The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

OMG there’s a two-on-one this episode. YASSSSSSSs.

Remember how we were staying in Charlotte for Ricki, well we should probably start a worldwide trip in Bermuda right now, because Ricki doesn’t need to go to school or anything. Education is secondary to reality tv fame.

Doug, the only remaining single father gets the first one-on-one.

Sidebar, Alejandro is “one of the only guys to not get a one-on-one,” honey you need some screentime to even be considered, also there’s like literally 10 people who haven’t had one either. Do better.

Doug is like nervous about his date man. So the other dudes decide to push his buttons. It’s just a bunch of dudes having some fun you know, bro.

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As Arie points out, Doug is a little like the Hulk. #Dougangry #Dougsmash #greatscreenshotofthefuturebachelor

Doug and Emily get to go shopping. We learn that Doug is a single dad AND started a charity, what that charity is we do not know.

The group date is: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kaylon

So everyone except for generic blonde dude, long haired dude, Alejandro the only ethnic dude, and brown hair dude are going on the group. So two of those four go on that two-on-one.

Emily is worried that Doug is “too perfect” and when she presses him for his flaws, he says he spends too much time with his son. And maybe didn’t wash his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. He asks Emily and her flaws include being stubborn and wearing pajamas all day -gasp- even in public! He gets the rose. He doesn’t want to kiss Emily because this one time his grandpa said don’t kiss a girl unless she lets you know she wants one. Which is great for consent. Not great because Doug is a little dense and not going to make the first move. We’ll see how this works for him in the long run (spoiler, it doesn’t work well).

The group date gets to go on a classic privileged white man date- sailing! To make it even more testosterone filled it’s going to be a race and the winning team gets more time with Emily.

John “Wolf” and Nate are the two-on-one. I think they’re literally only having a two-on-one so they could use the Bermuda Triangle. I literally have no idea who Nate is. And if John didn’t have such a stupid nickname I’d know nothing about him.

So sailing involves lots of cranking…?

Arie’s team was behind first and then they were ahead and this is so intense…not. Arie’s team wins the alone time with Emily.  So that obviously means there is an entire boat of sore losers. Charlie cries in the car ride home? Why?

So the winning team was Ryan, Kaylon, Arie, and Jef. So half douchebags and half top two. Ryan starts by toasting to Emily the trophy wife. Point made.

Arie uses his alone time to let Emily know that he missed her. And to make out.

Jef uses his alone time to let Emily know that he “likes her.” Like likes her? Because he’s 14 and in high school. Emily wants him to open up, and we get no background music. And it’s awkward because he doesn’t kiss her. Probably because he thinks she has cooties.

Ryan is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. What? I can’t even. He then compliments her butt and likes that she goes to the gym. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” Okay Ryan. Go home. It gets better, Ryan doesn’t like how Emily was kissing Arie at the rose ceremony and decides to tell her that.

Jef gets the group date rose, ugh. And then there are fireworks.

The two-on-one is Nate and John. I can’t definitely say this is the lamest two-on-one of all time. But definitely in the top three. I literally know nothing about Nate. There’s not even any drama.

Facts about Nate:

  • He’s 25
  • He’s blonde
  • He had a breakup
  • He’s on Season 8 of the Bachelorette

This is by far the most congenial two-on-one ever. They toast to each other and no one is screaming or storming off or being left in the Badlands. After cliff diving they get to have dinner in a soggy cave.

OH GOD. OH GOD. Nate just asked if this is quinoa. But he pronounced it as Quinn- no- ah.  Instead of \ ˈkēn-ˌwä , kē-ˈnō-ə \ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Back to more facts about Nate. He has parents, and a brother, and friends. He cries about missing his family. Oh Nate.

John talks about how he doesn’t like to have all the attention and wants to get to know Emily more. John gets the rose because he appears to have an actual personality. Nate gets to go home to his family and quinoa.

So to address my doubts about Ricki’s education we get to see that she is studying. Fine, school is tied with reality tv in importance.

Cocktail party time. Ryan is a smooth talking annoying misogynist. No one likes him. And it’s up to Arie to save the day and interrupt their one-on-one time. Emily can see her and Arie sitting on a front porch just chilling. Awww

Ryan is totally here for Emily, but like it this were to not work out, he could totally see himself as the next Bachelor. UGH ICK NO

Sean gets to talk to Emily and even though they haven’t had a one-on-one they are feeling each other.

Chris is hurt that the other dudes think he’s real young (he’s 25) and not ready. Other dudes being Doug. So Chris is going to confront Doug about it. He’s being a “grown ass man” about it. That really proves he’s mature.

Time for the roses! Doug, Jef, and John already have roses this week. And there are 7 roses, so that will be 10 guys staying.

Sidebar: wayyyyyyyyyy too many necklaces Emily, I know you’re in Bermuda but that doesn’t mean you need every damn seashell hanging around your neck.

And the roses go toooooooooo:

  • Sean (future Bachelor)
  • Arie (duh)
  • Travis (I really thought that was Charlie)
  • Chris (he’s so mature)
  • Ryan (no one likes you)
  • Kaylon (was the bad guy before Ryan started talking about trophy wives)
  • Alejandro (wasn’t expecting that)

So the real Charlie and the dude with the ponytail (Michael) are going home. Boi bye.

Pip pip cheerio they’re off to London next week! There’s some drama brewing in England with Ricki so let’s hope it comes to a boil (#badteahumor).

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The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

Emily starts the episode off by talking with some of her besties at the park. It’s really just a coverup so she can dump Ricki on one of the ladies. Sneaky Emily.

Back to the boys. Chris Harrison explains how the dates work. Ryan gets the first date card.

So we all hate Kalon, but he describes the house the best way I’ve ever heard “It’s like being in a frat house from hell, on steroids.”  Arie also gets a soundbite to say that when Emily wears normal clothes she also looks great. Get you a woman who can do both.

Ryan’s date starts with them going to Emily’s house…to unload groceries. And make cookies. They use a whisk to make chocolate chip cookies, Emily should know better than that. The most exciting date ever continues as Emily delivers the cookies to Ricki’s soccer team and makes Ryan stay in the car.car.PNG

Ryan luckily gets another part of the date and gets to go out to dinner with Emily. Two things to establish. Emily pretty much yells everything. “YOU LOOK NICE.” And Ryan is color blind because the dress Emily is wearing is definitely magenta, not red.

There’s a group date with a bunch of dudes, including Jef (ew) but not Arie 😦  Kalon also gets to go and has no worries that the date card mentions a stage, probably because he’s using reality tv as a platform to promote himself.

Back to Ryan’s date, and we get the first awkward concert of the season! He gets the rose because they have such a strong connection.

The group date is a variety show with the muppets! There are three groups: singers, dancers, and a stand up group. The producers do really love to see the men squirm. So Charlie one time fell off a roof and smashed his head in and has trouble with words and reading and is just terrified to do comedy. So he asks to change to another group. AWWWW. It’s adorbs. We can skip recapping the show, because we all know it was going to be painful, not the muppets, all the awkward men.

We get the typical after activity cocktails where the men get to talk to Emily. Emily tells Chris B. that he is so incredibly attractive. Chris doubts that anyone else will have such a strong connection. I don’t think that’s a “connection.”

She’s worried that Jef doesn’t like her because he’s too cool. Maybe she should listen to these signs and boot off his stupid one F too cool attitude!

Joe gets the second one-on-one. Which means no date for Arie 😦

Kalon likes to stir things up. And stirs that pot so well. We gotta have a villain. Jef gets the stupid group date rose. Stupid Jef.

Joe gets to go to West Virginia, where Emily is from, for their date. They go to Greenbrier a giant mansion resort thing that most definitely used to be a slave plantation. Emily got her first makeover there…? I guess that’s a West Virginia tradition. She used to hang out in this giant fancy hotel all the time during her childhood. That’s one nice childhood. They then get to have a fancy dinner at the fancy hotel. Emily tries to ask him some real questions and Joe avoids answering them by just asking them back at her. Oh Joe.

There’s also a #loveclock at this hotel. Because why wouldn’t there be. And you get to write a wish and shove it in the clock and it comes true.

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Joe wishes to come back to this ridiculous hotel one day with Emily. Well we all know that the #loveclock is a load of crap. Because Joe’s wish isn’t coming true anytime soon because he’s going home. Emily isn’t messing around and doesn’t have time for Joes that are incapable of answering questions. At least he got dumped in a fancy hotel instead of a field in the middle of nowhere.

Cocktail party time! Arie finally gets some screen time. They talk about how nice Arizona is. And he dated a girl with children before, and he loves kids. OMG he’s so great. Emily is nervous around him, because he’s adorbs.

So Ryan got the first one-on-one date rose. And he’s talking to Emily at the rose ceremony. AND THAT IS NOT OKAY. Let’s all ambush him! So Ryan wrote Emily a letter about how he feels. And Emily reads it. And Tony has now gone to ambush this and is awkwardly standing in the corner while she reads it. I feel so awkward for all of them. It’s 5 years later and I still feel awkward.

After five million years of the longest letter ever, Tony finally has his chance to pull out his trump card and reveal he’s a single dad. Because nothing works quite as well as gunning for a pity rose.

Kalon gets some one-on-one time, he’s an old soul stuck in a young man’s body. His priorities are just different. You know, his helicopter riding priorities, and extravagant money priorities. Sean is intimidated by Kalon’s “vocabulary” and how he uses it to show his dominance…? Kalon and his damn fancy words. Another great quote about Kalon from Wolf “I have a rule, if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, then you’re a ****.” I don’t disagree.

Emily has to send two men home tonight. I really cannot name more than 5 of them. So I would suggest the strategy of eeny meeny miny mo. Or just calling them man #1-#14. Remember, Jef (ugh) and Ryan (whatever) already have roses. Here are the actual names of the men she picks (with my added notes):

  • Kalon (the rich asshole)
  • Arie (the next Bachelor)
  • Michael (he has a ponytail and that’s all I’ve got on him)
  • Nate (generic white dude)
  • Sean (the next Bachelor chronologically)
  • Chris (the reality tv asshole)
  • Doug ( he has the 12ish year old kid)
  • Travis (no idea)
  • Tony (awkwardly stands in rooms and has a kid)
  • John (idk)
  • Alessandro (has a fun name)
  • Charlie (feel off a balcony that one time)
  • Alejandro (almost as fun as of a name as Alessandro)
  • Stevie (he really likes the muppets, I think)

So Aaron (he was wearing glasses) and Kyle (yet another generic white dude) are going home.

It looks like we get an Arie one-on-one next episode so get ready!

 

 

The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

Arie Who? The Bachelorette: S8 E1 Recap: Meeting Arie

Let’s all just admit it. When Arie Luyendyk Jr. was announced as the next Bachelor we all scratched our heads trying to remember who the heck he is.

I for one remember him as the racecar driver that one time kissed Emily like this:are.gif

So I was a fan, for obvious reasons. Otherwise Emily’s season is just a blur of her yelling RICKI and not wanting to set a bad example for her daughter. So come along with me on a ride down memory lane so you can fully prepare yourself for the next Bachelor and maybe slightly understand this random casting. This will be an Arie themed recap series which will be my excuse for ignoring/bad mouthing the one ‘F’ Jef who ultimately won. #spoilers #thiswaslike5yearsago #literally

We start the season with Ricki wearing a shirt with her name on it. So now I know how to spell it. Emily’s husband died in a plane crash 😦  OMG EMILY WAS 26 YEARS OLD WHEN THIS AIRED. I FEEL SO OLD. Emily was on Brad’s season and won, but it did not work out. Yup, that Brad that already had a season where he didn’t pick anyone. Let’s just be glad that Arie is the Bachelor and not Brad for round three.

OMG look at baby Chris Harrison!

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Let’s meet the men. First is Kalon, I remember him being horrible. Next is Ryan, I don’t remember him. Tony buys and sells plywood, he’s also a parent. Lerone is our token ethnic guy. The next dude is a singer/songwriter #nope. Charlie lived a normal white dude life until he fell of a roof, he’s really overcome so many obstacles in life.

JEF. NO ONE TAKES HIM SERIOUSLY. He skateboards around. He is CEO of a company that still does exist, I googled it. Nothing says ready to be a father quite like Jef. #not #Iamnotbitteraboutitatall

Arie! He’s from Scottsdale, AZ! And is a racecar driver. This is important because Emily’s deceased husband was a racecar driver. Also because it’s a real job that isn’t Dog Enthusiast or Pantsapreneur. At the time of this season Arie was 30.

So the season is in Charlotte so Emily can be close to RICKI. Except when she travels around the world. Emily goes with a really pretty nude, sparkly dress for her big night, I approve.

First out of the limo is Sean. You might remember him since he was the next Bachelor and met Catherine and had a wedding on tv with the theme of “grown up” sexy and now has an adorable baby.

Her other suitors include some single dads, overly excited dudes and then it’s Arie’s turn! He goes with a rational person hello, and hugs her, and then hopes to talk to her later. This is a good sign, no ridiculous gimmicks, I can almost guarantee one of the women on his season is going to show up in a racecar of some sort.

Oh hey, it’s Chris Bukowski! That’s right, the Chris that went on to Bachelor Pad 3, almost was on the Bachelorette on Andi’s season, did Bachelor in Paradise, and Bachelor in Paradise 2! We all have to start our reality tv show stints somewhere.

Jef literally shows up on a skateboard. UGH. He looks and acts like he’s 12.

Other gimmicks include a guy with a boombox (2012 was not that long ago! Boomboxes were not relevant), a guy with a glass slipper, and one dressed as an old lady. One guy brings a giant egg that symbolizes Emily and Ricki and he’s going to take care of it during this journey…I foresee some scrambled eggs in his future. #badeggpun

Kalon shows up in a helicopter, and random man #5 sums it up perfectly: “Whoever this is, we’re all going to hate him.”

Time to mingle. The infamous Chris B. brought bobbleheads, no wonder why the franchise keeps inviting him back.

Jef does have a pretty normal conversation with Emily. BOOO. Never going to be on #teamjef #2FsorBust

So helicopter guy/Kalon is the first obvious bad guy of the season. Nothing like everyone moodily staring at you to solidify your villainy.

Time for Arie. He is legitimately concerned about how he’s a racecar driver and so is her dead husband. Emily is fine with it, and addresses the issue we’re all here for, that Arie would be hot in a racecar. We can only hope that 5 years later he’s just as hot.

The first impression rose goes to the single dad whose children wrote Emily a letter.

She gives the rest of the roses to a bunch of guys that we don’t need to name right now, because obviously Arie gets a rose (and Jef).

Stay tuned for the exciting season of the Bachelorette!

There will be some classic private concerts, competitions, and dramaaaaaa. Keep reading as we follow Arie’s first try at love!

Arie Who? The Bachelorette: S8 E1 Recap: Meeting Arie

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E8: Twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster walk into paradise…

On tonight’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise!

Dominique is very good at recapping couples:

Derek and Taylor

Amanda and Robby

Jack and Christen

Raven and Adam

Daniel and Lacey

then herself and Diggy.

Yay recaps! But here’s Jaimi! Her fun fact is she’s bisexual. So she could go on a date with a woman or a man! But let’s be real, this is Bachelor in Paradise, it’s not that progressive. She’s going to take a man. She asks Diggy. But like Dominique was vibing with Diggy so now she’s sad.

Jaimi and Diggy get to get some tacos. They kiss.

Now that Kristina is gone, D-Lo and Dean can be shallow together. Oh wait, here come the twins- Emily and Haley. And Emily has her eye on Dean. The other one has her eye on Derek. They have one date card and a double date.

Amanda gives the twins the low down on #Scallopfingers, Penguin Matt, Deanie baby, Tickle Monster, the entire gang. Hayley was going to ask out Derek, but he’s taken. So she decides to slum it with serial killer Jack Stone. Emily is not put off by Dean and D-Lo. Dean obviously says no to Emily. Emily doesn’t want to take no for an answer. Dean at least is aware enough that he should not go on this date because it would be crapping on both D-Lo and Kristina. Dean does stand strong for once and says no. So Emily goes to ask D-Lo about it. D-Lo says it is Dean’s decision. Dean still says no.

Emily decides to slum it with Tickle Monster. So some twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster are going to go on a date. Or not…

So like Derek and Taylor are in love. Can we regulate them back to the background because we already know this and don’t need to watch them be all love-y dove-y.

So Jack Stone the serial killer decides to bail on the twins. He wants to spend some more time with Christen. The twins are NOT HAPPY. They are livid. They are mad. They cannot name any more synonyms. Hayley only pity invited him. So they’re peacing out. Literally. They throw some scallops off of a balcony.

Jack Stone thinks he’ll maybe marry Christen one day. Because paradise is ending and now everyone has to have this conversation. Dean and D-Lo can be horrible together. Amanda and Robby can be annoying. And Derek and Taylor established their love connection forever ago. Adam thinks he could be in love with Raven.

It’s Chris Harrison! In the daylight! He calls everyone over to the palapa to tell them that it is the last day in paradise. So everybody better propose real fast! There are fantasy suites happening and relationships happening. And an engagement damnit!

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E8: Twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster walk into paradise…

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E7: Zeus the dog <3 #truedat

Let’s get a couple recap from Dominique/me for Bachelor in Paradise!

Derek and Taylor (just need to go home and be married already)

Raven and Adam (ew Raven do better)

Robby and Amanda (I gave up hope on Amanda a long time ago)

Daniel and Lacey (weird together)

Dean, D-Lo, and Kristina (KRISTINA IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU DEAN – GO HOME DEAN)

Dean sucks. He was getting friendly with D-Lo last night and because there really aren’t that many places to go in paradise Kristina saw. Dean is just so stupid. He sort of apologizes but only because she saw.  He didn’t “plan” to make out with D-Lo in front of Kristina. Kristina isn’t going to wait around because Dean is not worth her time.

Jasmine doesn’t know who she is going to give her rose to. She is contemplating going after the Tickle Monster, because he’s good with his hands. So she attacks him with her face in the pool and makes out with him.

So this dude is here. He really hates Whaboom. I really have no idea what his name is. His name is Blake! Thank goodness that the producers let us know. He is like really sweaty. He asks the “bros from his season” to have a “manchat.” He’s going to put Whaboom behind him, by talking about it every five seconds. D-Lo flat out says that if he asked her that she would say no. But really, Blake stop talking about Whaboom. He also just called Kristina his not first choice. Five million strikes and you are out Blake.

Blake asks Kristina out. Poor Kristina. She says no because she has to figure things out. Which is true. Also it’s Blake. So like she doesn’t want that.

Oh wait and we have Fred! Camp Fred! He went to camp with Rachel and was a bad camper. Fred also has a date card and is going on a double date with Blake! Fred is taking Dominique on his part of the double date. Blake is still trying to find anyone. He goes for scallop fingers Christen next. Blake is just horribly awkward. Someone needs to take one for the team and go on the date. And thankfully #scallopfingers has a very low bar and says yes. Jack Stone really likes Christen and is scared that she’ll like Blake better. Blake sucks, don’t worry Jack.

The word on the street is that Jack isn’t a very good kisser. So it’s up to the ladies to help him. Jasmine kisses Jack (after some shots), and concludes Jack is a great kisser. D-Lo needs confirmation and verifies. So does pretty much everyone else. So now we know, Jack Stone is a good kisser.

Time to check in on the most awkward double date of all time. They’re on a super speed boat, which is good because no one can really talk. It’s bad for Scallops because she’s getting a little seasick. She then almost loses her contact after ziplining. It’s a pretty horrible date for her, but mostly because it’s with Blake.

Omg it’s Chris Harrison. What is he doing here not during a rose ceremony?! He lets the guys know that there aren’t any more men showing up this week, and there’s another date card for someone. Andddd the rose ceremony is tonight. The date card goes to Robby. Who takes Amanda.

Their date is at a carnival that includes Robby bashing a pinata open. Robby like really likes kids and Amanda has kids. Just look at him watch those children fight over the candy! So fatherly!

Time for the cocktail party. Ben Z is sad. His dog is at home. He is not at home. He needs to go home to his dog. Except like Ben was the best guy on paradise. But he gets to see his dog Zeus which will make him happy. But I’m sad.

Diggy tries to get a rose from Dom by playing a fun get-to-know you game. It’s cute. He’s cute.

So Christen is in a love square with herself, Jack Stone, Tickle Monster, and Blake. In the meantime Wells explains #scallopfingers. Christen doesn’t really get it. I’m not surprised. Daniel reveals he’s the next Dr. Suess and says Christen would eat them on a mat, with a cat, #truedat.

Blake decides the way to #scallopfingers’ heart is with actual scallops. He asks if she likes assertive men and then starts to kiss her. Tickle Monster then interrupts. His vote for who gets the rose is for himself. Now it’s Jack’s turn. She should probably pick Jack. We’ve confirmed he’s a good kisser. And he’s at least slightly normal. What a low bar we have here in paradise.

Time to get back to stupid Dean drama. D-Lo wants to know if he would accept Kristina’s rose, because if he does, then she’ll back off. Dean makes a decision and is going to pick D-Lo over Kristina. So now he has to tell Kristina. She is not happy because Dean is an idiot.

Kristina goes to talk to Raven. And is having none of Raven defending D-Lo. D-Lo was a part of this too Raven. So sorry honey, Kristina is right, and you’re wrong.

Wells remains the best person ever on this show and asks Kristina why she is fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for her. YAY FOR WELLS.

This is happening. We are getting a rose ceremony at the end of an episode just like it should be scheduled. YASSsssss

Lacey and Daniel

Taylor and Derek- fun fact, only a week and a half left of paradise! Everybody better fall in love quickly

Amanda and Robby

Raven and Adam

Dominique and Diggy

Jasmine and Tickle Monster- she wants to “tickle his pickle” – I want to never have heard that

Christen and Jack Stone

Kristina wants to be valued and respected and put first. So she’s not giving out her rose. Because no one on this island can give her those things. So she’s going home. Kristina is too good for paradise. Dean walks her out and Dean still sucks.

D-Lo gives her rose to Dean. Even though he just whispered that she was going to quit. D-Lo you can do better than crappy ass Dean.

So Fred and Blake get to go home after being in paradise for like 10 hours.

All the couples are love-y dove-y (ick).

Tomorrow on Bachelor in Paradise!

Jaime shows up but more importantly the twins are here. Double the trouble and drama!

 

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E7: Zeus the dog <3 #truedat

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

It’s that time of year again….

Bachelor in Paradise is back!!

Chris Harrison starts off the episode by addressing the drama that was heard around the reality television world.

The opening credits of this show will always be the best thing on tv.

Let’s meet the cast!!!

Raven is first, she’s the down home Alabama store owner who had never had an orgasm before.

Dean is next. You all know Dean. He has an odd dad and is adorable

Kristina is from Russia and was adopted.

Danielle M is a widow.

I really really liked Ben Z!

Iggy argued with people on Rachel’s season.

Jasmine asked Nick if he likes to be strangled.

Jack Stone has a last name.

Alexis still doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and shark.

DeMario has lots and lots of scandals. Including the fact he went on the Bachelorette with a girlfriend. DeMario wants to make a good second first impression. Well, we all know how this ended up. He tries to get Raven on his side.

Derek is here! Thank goodness he clarifies that he is from JoJo’s season. He looks like John Krasinski.

Alex is short. Like real short.

Corinne. She likes cheese and bouncy castles and naps and has a nanny.

We get a sidebar of Dean and Kristina being adorable together with their daddy issue.

Lacey came in a camel to Nick’s season. Thank god she clarified.

Diggy had some bomb ass bowties before he got eliminated too soon.

Penguin dude shows up in a penguin suit because he knows his branding. He was 6th place for Rachel.

Nick is next, as in Saint Nick. Once again, good job with the branding. He is into Jasmine and they get the first kiss of the season!

Amanda is a single mom and picked baseball douche Josh last year. It didn’t work out. Maybe because he’s a douche.

Taylor really likes emotional intelligence and really dislikes Corinne.

And that’s the cast!!!

We learn that Amanda tried to get on the celebrity version of Tinder and got denied because she wasn’t famous enough. The fact that she is currently on this show should have been her first hint.

According to Alex, Corinne and DeMario start their escapades into the pool 30 minutes into Bachelor in Paradise. It’s 4:30pm.

Time for Chris Harrison to talk to everyone to explain the not complicated process of the dates and roses. You don’t get a rose, you go home.

OMG JORGE IS FOLLOWING HIS DREAM AND OPENING HIS OWN TOUR COMPANY. Wells is his replacement. Like previous contestant Wells is about to just pour lots and lots of shots. I’m so proud of Jorge.

The women have the power this week and will be giving out roses.

Taylor and Derek hit it off. I guess Derek has at least a little emotional intelligence.

Kristina gets the first date card and she chooses Dean because he’s obviously the best choice.

Lacey and Iggy competing for the pair with the least amount of notoriety. Blah

Kristina and Dean get to go out to a nice dinner and there’s random confetti and a band and people screaming.

Jasmine isn’t feeling Saint Nick as much since he is kind of suuuuper drunk and it’s kind of hard to have conversations with suuuuuper drunk people. So Penguin Matt swoops in and makes out with her in the hot tub.

Awwww, Lacey’s Grandpa passed away and she has to leave. Sad 😦 Iggy lets everyone know…except he says it’s her grandma, maybe their connection wasn’t that strong.

And here is Robby. He’s…..well, full of himself. He has a date card and offers it to Raven. I hope it goes horribly. Robby is sad because he couldn’t pack his pocket squares or bow ties or whatever the hell lapel pins are. But don’t worry, he has a bathing suit for everything occasion! He gets to go jet skiing with Raven.

Ben Z breaks it down for us. He drinks beers at barbecues. Robby drinks wine spritzers on the beach.

Unfortunately Raven and Robby make out. Fortunately Raven has a cold an will probably give all her germs to Robby so maybe he’ll just go home. Don’t worry, Raven isn’t distracted by the hair and shiny teeth, she knows that if you have 12 abs something sketchy must be happening.

Somehow Jasmine is the hottest ticket on this island and both St. Nick and Penguin Matt want her rose. But he is not saved by the date card as it goes to Matt and he picks Jasmine. They get to go to a drag show! And Matt gets in drag and looks really good in a blonde wig.

It’s already rose ceremony time! There are 12 men and only 8 women.

Both Diggy and Iggy are afraid of going home and are trying really hard to get roses.

Ben Z is concerned because he left his dog at home and doesn’t want to be wasting his precious dog-less time unless it’s worth it and wants to get Raven’s rose. Robby has a shirt with sombreros on it an he’s in Mexico so he’s pretty sure he’s getting Raven’s rose. I vote the man with the dog.

It’s time. The producers take both Corinne and DeMario away and the production stops. But we won’t know what happened until tomorrow.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

There’s only three men left on The Bachelorette…that only means one thing! Chris Harrison inviting Rachel to get it on in the Fantasy Suites!

We start with everyone still in Dallas – because Rachel wants everyone to meet her family and her super preggers sister can’t travel so it’s happening right now!

Peter goes first. They go baby clothes shopping, Peter is pretty good at it.

So since they aren’t going abroad just yet, this means the men are not separated. Which means that Bryan can be a gossip whore. He’s bad mouthing Peter because Peter said he might not put a ring on it.

Peter wants Rachel to know how he feels, he means the world to her. And he finally says it. HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. SHE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM. YASSSSS.

Peter gets to meet Rachel’s family which includes her sister, Mom, Uncle, Aunt, and her Dad isn’t there because he’s off being intimidating.  Peter’s parents got married after a month and have been married for 36 years. It’s almost like fate!

Rachel talks to her hella pregger sister who is skeptical. Because remember last time Nick met her family and we all know how that ended up. Rachel talks to her mom about her doubts as well.

So Rachel’s mom goes straight for the jugular and asks Peter if he’s going to propose. And Peter still isn’t sure (goddamn Peter). And he’s not going to ask for permission to marry Rachel because he’s not sure. And her mom appreciates this. BUT I DO NOT. It was a nice family meeting but come on Peter, make a commitment. This is a show about getting married on national tv! Get with the program! (literally).

Eric is next. They look at the skyline and stuff.

Ugh Bryan and Peter talk and Bryan continues to be annoying and stirring the pot.

Back to Eric, in case he hasn’t already mentioned it 15 million times, he’s never done this before. Does this mean dating someone on reality tv? Or just meeting someone’s family? We’ll never know!! (It’s meeting someone’s family).

Eric lets everyone know he didn’t come from a typical family. And that family means a lot to him. Constance, Rachel’s sister, is a little dubious of Eric. Because remember that one time that Eric never loved anyone or met anyone’s family ever etc., etc. Eric wants a family and a wife and blah blah blah.

But Eric goes in for the kill, and asks for Rachel’s hand in marriage. She says yes but like not outright- more like if Rachel decides that she would want to pick you then you could propose.

Bryan’s turn. Ugh. He gets to have brunch with some girlfriends. Bryan doesn’t deserve bottomless mimosas. Rachel tells her friends she thought Bryan was a douchebag. RACHEL YOU ARE A SMART LADY. YOU KNOW BEST. UGH.

Time for Bryan to meet the family. Rachel’s mom isn’t stupid. She asks Bryan about his weird super clingy mom. And Bryan reluctantly ranks his future wife over his mom. Bryan then says Rachel was his girlfriend after a week. Constance isn’t hearing this BS.

The family keeps asking questions to the point that Bryan asks to be excused. If you can’t handle the heat GO HOME RIGHT NOW. Rachel’s family remind her of the fact she’s been living in a literal bubble and that maybe she needs to look at Bryan from a different perspective AKA he’s a douchebag. She’s really defensive of him.

Rachel’s mom has some red flags. It’s because Bryan is just throwing around the word love and like how it happened in 5 seconds. Remember Peter and the fact he wants more time. Like a rational person.

Bryan of course has to ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s mom says not everything can be perfect, so Bryan and Rachel can’t just skip off into the sunset. But she gives Bryan permission because she is a great mom and trusts her daughter. Rachel’s mom is the best. Bryan is not the best.

TIME TO TAKE THIS LOVE SHOW ON THE ROAD. Did you know that Spain is the perfect place to fall in love?! (By Spain I mean literally every country the finale happens in).

Here are my recaps of Rachel’s recaps of the men:

Bryan said I love you first.

Peter makes Rachel believe in the journey and doesn’t want to propose just yet

And Eric is just there.

So Eric gets to go first. Because we won’t remember his date by the end of this episode. They go on a helicopter ride. I really feel like we haven’t had that many this season. I’m feeling jipped.  The climb a mountain and ring a wish granting bell.

Now it’s nighttime….and that only means one thing…FANTASY SUITES. Rachel needs to dive deeper before she just willy-nilly gives out room keys from Chris Harrison. She makes him talk about his feelings for her. And here we go, official “I love you” from Eric! And nothing gets you a fantasy suite invite quite like some lovin’. Eric says yes because he isn’t stupid.

Time for the next morning-obvious-we-had-sex-rumpled-bed. They did it. And now we’re moving on.

BECAUSE IT’S PETER’S TURN.

They get to talk to an adorable old Spanish man about his wine cave. He sings to Rachel. It’s incredibly awkward but I love a little old man so it’s adorable. Peter lets Rachel know that he takes engagements SUPER seriously. Like he means it if they get engaged. Unlike everyone else that has ever been on this show. A random little girl interrupts this conversation so Rachel and Peter get to make out in the tub of grapes that get stomped into wine. Thank you little girl.

Peter’s family has an adorbs family tradition of saving a cork from special occasions with a memory on it and it’s so cute and imma steal this tradition. Rachel has to bring the conversation back around to the engagement. Rachel is a little more loose in her ideas of engagement while Peter, if he is going to commit, is going to commit.  COMMIT PETER.

And Peter doesn’t know how to compromise on this issue. AHHHGHHHH. NOOO NOOO. And Rachel doesn’t know what to do. Hand him the damn fantasy suite card and get on with being in love with each other forever.

Next week is Men Tell All. Urgh.

But in two weeks we get the finale where Peter better not mess things up!! If he even gets to the finale!? This might actually be the most dramatic season ever.

 

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family