The Bachelorette S15 E9: Adorable Dads

It’s hometowns!!! Time to meet some Mommas and Poppas!

Peter goes first, historically the least dramatic hometown airs first, so I’m assuming Sthis will go smoothly. As smooth as a plane taking off #planejokes. They drive around in his “baby” which is his car. Hannah starts to root around in it and finds out that it has condoms in the center cup holder thing. Well, we know that Peter would approve of windmill sex. Next he takes her up in his plane and flies around. They make out in the air which seems a little dangerous because WHO IS FLYING THIS PLANE?!

Hannah then meets Peter’s adorable family…including his very attractive brother. They sit down to dinner and first do a German prayer where they chant. It’s very fun. Peter’s little brother takes Hannah aside and asks her some good questions and then Peter’s mom asks Peter some great questions. Main point is they are all adorable. It gets better because all Peter’s Dad wants is the best for him and he cries while telling his son this. Such wonderful examples of father son bonds without toxic masculinity and it’s amazing and precious. Peter loves Hannah but misses his opportunity to tell her that. But overall it was an adorable hometown date.

Tyler is up next, he’s from Florida. They get to tour around on a boat, no pickled herring though. Tyler shares that his dad is sick and he wasn’t sure how he will be when he sees him. It’s adorable, and don’t worry, Tyler’s dad is okay. And he’s adorable. The Dads this episode are too adorable. He keeps calling her “Miss Hannah B.” I can’t handle these Dads. The date ends well which makes it seem like the last two won’t go so smoothly.

Speaking of which, it’s Luke’s turn next. He starts the first part of the day out by taking her to Sunday school. He shares the shower story AGAIN. Jesus saved Luke in the shower, but he certainly didn’t make him a nice guy. It’s incredibly awkward and all the people there have really nice things to say about Luke, which is definitely fishyyyy.

Luke has a 96 year old Great Grandma who is adorable, so I do like that. I still hate Luke. Hannah explains their very dramatic past and Luke’s family asks the question we all want to know “Why is he still here?” and Hannah responds with: “I don’t know.” HE NEEDS TO GO HOME. His family all says very nice things about him, despite the fact that Hannah literally says that no one likes Luke and he is difficult. It’s actually a pretty anticlimactic hometown because Luke still stinks and no one yelled. Luke did profess that he loves Hannah and Hannah counters that they had an entire good day! Which is a big deal! Which should be the biggest red flag of allllllllllll time.

It’s Jed’s turn, and we’re going to Tennessee! They go to a studio and write their love song. While recording Jed says that he loves Hannah. They then go meet his family. Jed’s dad isn’t sure about how this is going because he doesn’t think Jed is ready to get married. Jed’s mom isn’t super warm to Hannah, she dubious of the process and reminds Hannah that Jed doesn’t have a degree. And that he’s on his career path of music. They are not very welcoming or supportive of Hannah.

Time for the rose ceremony, Hannah doesn’t know what to do. And since she hasn’t screamed at Luke about sex in windmills just yet, it’s going to be worst case scenario and he’ll get a rose.

Peter gets the first rose. YAYYY. Tyler gets the second. Andddddddd Hannah leaves the room before she can give out the last rose. She talks to Chris Harrison and just doesn’t know what to do.

Hannah says she can’t give out a final rose but thank goodness Chris Harrison is here to dramatically reveal that she has two more roses, so everyone is going to next week! Jed has the very rational reaction that being tied with Luke is worse than being sent home, because Luke stinks. Well next week we’ll find all about those windmills and just how horrible Luke is, can’t wait to find out!

The Bachelorette S15 E7: Did I mention the bungee jumping was NAKED

So we’re finally in Latvia, but don’t hold your breath because there could be a recap hiding behind every cutaway.

Garrett gets the first one-on-one in Latvia! And they go bungee jumping – but it’s naked bungee jumping. Which is supposedly a Latvian tradition….sure producers, sure. It’s unclear what the actual body part logistics are because they do indeed jump out of a cable car naked. I just feel like that would hurt. One of the producers throws Hannah’s very sensible, white bra, from the cable car where they jumped into the pond below, it’s a nice dramatic touch.

During the dinner portion Garrett asks Hannah what is the big defining moment of her life and she just says it is living her life as herself. Which is nice, but where’s her one pivotal sob story moment? Not very fair when all the guys have to share theirs.

The group date is: Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Conner, and Dylan. Which gives Peter the pilot the one-on-one!

Back to Garrett, this one time he was going to do football but he didn’t like that #sportsball so instead he does the golf #sportsball. He gets that rose, touchdown! Hole in one!

The group date gets to explore a Latvian market with moonshine and pickles! So Hannah tells the guys about naked bungee jumping, and Luke isn’t very happy with the NAKED part. Because NAKED is not okay.

During the second part of the date Hannah has really nice moments with Tyler and Jed. And then there’s Luke…… he didn’t like that Hannah was naked bungee jumping but then he lets her know that they can work through anything in a super condescending and territorial way. GO AWAY LUKE. But good news, Tyler gets the group date rose.

Peter and Hannah get to go to a Latvian sauna for their one-on-one date. In a Pirts which is like a sauna. Keep trying tourism board of Latvia, keep trying. They make some potions and then make out in the sauna. Peter lets Hannah know that he “really likes her” which is a bit far away from “falling for you” or “falling in love,” but I’ll take it, I like him. Hannah just wants to make sure their relationship isn’t all physical. And Peter opens up and I learn that he knows Spanish which is another plus for him. He unsurprisingly gets the rose and some fireworks, literally.

Peter returns to the hotel and Jed decides to take this moment to go serenade Hannah in her hotel room. He also serenades her in her hotel room but Hannah is more interested in making out. Jed takes this moment to say he is falling in love with Hannah.

Back to the Luke drama, because we can’t escape. Garrett confronts Luke for talking about the naked bungee jumping with Hannah and we discuss staying in lanes again. I need Luke’s lane to go off the highway and into some random field so he gets lost and doesn’t come back. I sense a two-on-one in these dude’s futures if Luke lasts through this episode.

It’s almost time for the rose ceremony, but not quite, because Hannah comes over before it in normal clothes to talk to Luke. Hannah addresses the language Luke used when describing the naked incident- including “bone headed mistake.” This is just a continued exercise on how horrible Luke is. EYEROLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Luke feels like the train is finally on the tracks, Hannah disagrees, so he maybe thinks it is closer on the tracks. This train is horrible, let’s just all get off. Hannah wants to know why it is so hard, maybe because LUKE STINKS.

Luke goes back to talk to the guys about Hannah. And we have a conversation where “stay in your lane” is said about a million times and there is even a texting and driving analogy. Chris Harrison comes in to tell everyone there is no cocktail party, just a rose ceremony. Probably so Luke can’t ruin it.

We go straight to the ceremony and the roses go to:

Jed, Mike, Conner, anddd the last rose goes to Luke 😦 BOoooooooooo. So nose ring dude and other dude who have had no screen time go home, thank goodness Chris Harrison says their names are Dylan and Dustin.

We can only hope that Luke finally goes home next episode, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

The Bachelorette S15 E6: The one where nothing happens (do not watch this episode)

So last episode ended on a cliffhanger as Hannah told Luke that she couldn’t give him the rose. Luke is confused. Oh Luke. Hannah is very clear with him, she didn’t want to spend the date being frustrated with Luke and having to raise her voice to get him to open up. BOY BYEEE. Luke walks through the forest all sad and because he’s Luke HE COMES BACK. WHY. GO AWAY. Hannah is nice enough to talk to him and Luke attempts to confess his love and it’s awkward and bad. UGH.

Luke returns to the guys without a rose, but he doesn’t have to go home. He get to go to the rose ceremony. Boo. But now it’s time for this rose ceremony so maybe Luke will go home but maybe the producers will make her pick him so he can go on a 2-on-1 next week.

A dude grabs Hannah first, she says she’s excited to get to know him and literally have no idea what his name is. No idea at all. I do know that he just shot himself in the foot by talking about Luke. And he then decides to go tell the guys what Hannah told him. Which of course erupts in a fight. Hannah isn’t here for this and asks the guys to ask her all the questions right now, in front of her. But they don’t really do well and keep arguing. Hannah is a grown ass woman. THAT IS RIGHT. And she doesn’t want to deal with any of their stupidity so she walks away.

Rose time! Conner, Tyler, Dustin, Peter, Dylan, Garrett, and the last rose goes to Luke P because we all know there is a 2 on 1 happening next episode.

Time to jet off to the next destination….Latvia….! Hannah gets a sit down talk with Chris Harrison who just wants her to fall in love.

And now we cut to another talk with Chris and Hannah….and we get a recap?!? Of the season that isn’t half way done. WHAT IS THIS. How is there not enough of actual footage for this episode. I’m not going to recap this recap of a recap because we already lived all of this. We literally get a recap of what happened earlier this episode. And then the recap starts to be of happy moments. I do not understand. We get some bloopers. None of this makes sense. Do not watch this episode.

But don’t worry, supposedly there will be lots of drama coming up, here is just some of what I can glean:

• 2 on 1 with Garret and Luke P
• Garret goes naked bungee jumping
• Luke P brings up Jesus and sex
• Hannah cries
• some guy go gets a non Neil Lane sponsored ring

Well even if only one of those things happen that will be so much more than anything in this episode! So stay tuned!

The Bachelorette S15 E5: The Lukeness Monster

We ended last week on a Luke themed cliffhanger. In case you’ve forgotten-

Luke P- found Jesus in a shower, declared he was falling in love with Hannah after 2 seconds, likes to be aggressive in rugby

Luke S- has a tequila company that he’s never mentioned on camera, was once kneed by Luke P

My take- both Lukes should go home because Luke P is wayyy to intense and a little cray cray and Luke S is just boring.

Here is Hannah’s literal face while the Lukes talk to each other:

We finally get the rose ceremony but Luke S pulls Hannah aside before she can even start and he sends himself home.

The roses go to: Peter, Conner, Dylan, Dustin (WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?), Mike, Kevin, Devin, Grant, and the final rose goes to Luke P. So John Paul Jones and some other dude are going home. Hannah’s heart thinks Luke P should be here but her head says there are some giant red flags. Maybe her eyes should look at those red flags so she can throw Luke P out on his butt.

So the guys get to go from Rhode Island to Scotland! Mike gets the first one on one and his smile is so giant when he finds out. It’s adorbs. They walk through a book store together, go to a candy store, and then taste some whiskey. Hannah is very relaxed and cute when with Mike.

The group date is Devin, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Conner, Dustin, Peter, Kevin, and Garrett. So Luke gets the other one on one. Boo.

Back to Mike being adorable, he gets the rose and I like them together but think Mike is feeling it more than Hannah at this point.

The group date involves reenacting some old Scottish traditions like throwing axes and running around with milk. They are having a great time, it’s almost like some dude named Luke isn’t there to bring the group down….oh wait.

Poor Mike has to spend his day alone with Luke- or the Lukeness Monster as the producers are definitely making everyone call him. It’s pretty catchy and pretty true.

So the Highlands game are in full effect- and include wrestling in kilts. I guess you don’t wear underwear with kilts…which is fine for tradition and all but maybe we could have given the guys some underwear so they weren’t naked wrestling around on the ground. Jed wins the competition and gets to be a Lord. And he also wins some kisses with Hannah. And so does Peter and Tyler. Hannah’s making out with all the guys, you go girl. Jed gets the rose, or should I say, Lord Jed.

Time for Luke P’s date. Let’s see how this goes. They walk through a field of flowers and Luke says some things about not going to quit and that he’s totally a really nice dude and everyone loves him. Literally, he says that everyone loves him. Oh Luke P, I can say for sure that isn’t true. Hannah asks for a minute and goes to talk to the producers, she asks if someone can clarify to Luke P what she means when she asks him “how do you feel?” Oh Hannah, I feel like it’s time for Luke P to go home. Hannah just wants to have a real conversation and know if Luke P likes macaroni cheese or spaghetti more. I bet his favorite is plain whole wheat pasta or something stupid like that. They have more conversations, Hannah just wants Luke P to be real.

Sometimes Hannah is in the front row of church on her knees and sometimes she is a “Devilish Bitch.” I don’t like Luke P at all but this is making me like Hannah more and more. Hannah wanted clarity on this date but isn’t getting it. Just like Luke isn’t getting the rose and we aren’t getting a rose ceremony at the end of this episode. Gotta love a to be continued episode!

The Bachelorette S15 E2: Nuggets on the ground!

We jump right into with the dates on this episode of The Bachelorette with the first group date. It’s:

Grant, Luke S, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, Luke P

STOP EVERYTHING THIS IS THE MOST AMBITIOUS CROSSOVER OF ALL TIME. Alaska, Alyssa Edwards, and Miss J are here. I cannot even. Top Model, Drag Race, AND The Bachelorette. There is nothing else in the world I could ask for. In case you live under some sort of reality tv rock – Alyssa and Alaska are from RuPaul’s Drag Race and are amazing drag queens. And Miss J is runway coach extraordinaire from America’s Next Top Model. They are all fierce and serving it. The guys on the other hand… the first part is a runway walk in a speedo, and they don’t do too bad. Luke P I guess just spends all his time working out because he has a bodyyy. Next is the talent show… “talent” being the key word. John Paul Jones unicycles and Jed sings a song. Not very well. Shower Luke’s talent is talking into a mic and he says he is starting to fall in love with her. Slowwwwwwwwww it down. But Hannah likes it because he wins the Mr. Right pageant. Agree to disagree on shower Luke.

Time for date part 2. Shower Luke steals Hannah first which opens up the tea spilling for the rest of the guys. They don’t think someone can fall in love that fast. Hannah actually agrees and does ask Luke about it. He developed feelings before he ever met her, because that’s not creepy. But Hannah is flattered so they make out.

Tyler G gets the first one on one! Who is he? I have no idea!

During the group date Hannah explains how Luke takes her breath away but Jed and his guitar strumming get that rose.

Hannah wears all white to her date with Tyler G, in a very not subtle way. And they go on ATVs (4 wheelers? I don’t know, it’s a sports related thing) in the mud, why is she wearing all white?! So she gets dirty because that’s inevitable and then tells Tyler to be open and real during this experience. Tyler isn’t worried about looking cool. He does ask Hannah about her dreams – she wants to have a family, be a mom, and do something that helps people. Nice and vague

The other group date is: Devon, Mateo, some dude. Connor J, Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C, Joey, Peter, Garrett

Which means Killer Cam isn’t on the date card, and his crazy eyes make that seem like not a good thing for him.

Boring, totally not trying to be cool Tyler gets his rose.

The group date starts with Hannah in the tiniest, tightest, leather shorts of all time. Which of course makes sense because it’s a roller derby date (it doesn’t make sense). Hannah isn’t good at roller skating and really none of the guys are either. Hopefully there aren’t too many broken bones. They are real bad. The Green team “wins.” Woo.

So the one guy got injured and has a nose ring. But getting injured works because he gets a kiss. But wait, Cam is here! Cam who wasn’t “invited” – the air quotes are his. He surprisingly just gives her the flowers, gets a kiss, and then leaves. I wanted more drama than that! But oh wait, Connor finds Cam to tell him he’s not happy that Cam crashed the date. And now other Southern dude comes out to tell Cam the same thing. Then another dude. Nose ring, fall down Dustin gets the group date rose.

Time for the cocktail party!

Hannah is wearing an insane red dress. And is crying 😦   But they are happy tears…? She is just overwhelmed by the choices and possibilities. But it’s okay. Hannah talks to the guys, some standard conversations. And then we have Cam. Oh Cam. He interrupts some other dude’s time and then has the other dude come sit on the driveway with him and Hannah while he reveals chicken nuggets. It’s awkward. And other dude isn’t having it, so he SMACKS Cam’s nuggets on the ground!

Hannah continues to talk to the guys. Shower Luke gives her a massage so Hannah returns the favor and has him take his shirt off so of course Jed gets to walk in on that. Nice and awkwarddddd. Hannah is then actually pretty relate-able as she curses and doesn’t know what to do. She got distracted by those #showerJesus abs. Jed handles it pretty well and laughs it off.

Rose time:

Tyler C, Garrett, Devon, Connor S, Luke P, Don, Luke S, Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathon, Joey, Mateo, John Paul Jones, Grant, anddddddddd Cam. We need a good chicken nugget villain.

Cam then toasts and says to his future best friend -Hannah Ilala (sp?) which is his last name. CREEPY. Oh and then Luke goes and interrupts Hannah during her interview and has her sit on his lap. When Luke looked into Hannah’s eyes he knew it was real and this is creepy too and oh goodness. What if we were less creepy. Let’s just do that.

Tune in next week to see how creepy we can be!

The Bachelor S23 E10: COULD IT BE ANY MORE DRAMATIC??

Soooo Colton loves Cassie, but she’s not ready for marriage. So Colton jumped a fence.

And I missed the first half, but I heard that Colton breaks up with Tayshia. So I will only be watching 3 out of the 4 hours of this two night premiere. Sometimes we have to just let things go. #byebyeTayshia

Colton goes to talk to Hannah G, who has no idea what has been happening this entire time. And she’s just excited to tell Colton she loves him. Good thing Colton is here to tell her the same thing….not. He says he can’t be in love with two people at the same time and his feelings are stronger for someone else… that someone else being Cassie. Hannah definitely feels cheated out of being broken up with in a floor length sparkly evening gown. Colton tells Hannah she doesn’t deserve to be anyone’s back up plan, which is nice and true because we’ve had seasons before where the winner is the back up plan #Des #Rachel #peter4ever.

Colton leaves the room so they can both cry. Colton loves Cassie so much that he’s willing to walk away from someone as great as Hannah. The thing is we all know that Cassie isn’t really on that level.

Chris Harrison is here to make Hannah watch her break up on tv. She thought Colton was coming to surprise her…oops. Colton said Hannah felt like home so I guess he really hates his hometown and wants to break up with it.

Hannah’s question is why did Colton give everyone else a lot of chances but didn’t give her one last time. Hannah, because he’s dumb. You’re better off without him. Hannah needs someone who will jump a fence for her. You go girl!

Chris Harrison then talks to a bunch of dudes from previous seasons – all that really matters is they make fun of Colton’s new horrible hair, Colton looks like he’s in fifth grade.

Back to Portugal, Colton is sad on a balcony. And Cassie is excited to go home to her family. This seems like a really great time for Colton to not let her get away. But we’ll have to find out tomorrow during another 2 HOURS OF THIS SHOW.

The Bachelor S23 E9: Breaking hearts, jumping fences

I HAVE BEEN PROMISED A FENCE JUMP. I WILL JUMP A FENCE MYSELF IF IT DOES NOT HAPPEN.

Colton is a virgin, in case you didn’t know. This week is fantasy suites, where contestants go and bone each other, in case you didn’t know. He starts by having a quick talk with Chris Harrison, the person you always want to speak to before you lose your virginity on tv. Then he announces it’s time to go to Portugal!

Tayshia is up first! And I have learned from the magic of the internet and editing, that just because she is on first doesn’t mean this is the order they went in chronologically. But I’m going to assume she was and she is the one that snags his virginity (assuming they do it). They go on a helicopter ride and then sit on a blanket looking out at the water on a very windy coast.

The second part of the date starts with a discussion of whether Tayshia’s boob is going to pop out of her dress. We establish, that no, it won’t, because she is using fashion tape. We move onto Colton thanking Tayshia for pushing him out of his comfort zone. Tayshia waited to have sex until she was married, but she’s divorced now, so there’s that. And he cheated on her, which isn’t nice. Colton pulls out an envelope from underneath the tablecloth and it’s time…! He asks Tayshia to go to the fantasy suite and she says yes. Colton then clarifies to us that he is experienced in other ways and has come realllllll close.

WELL! We open the morning with a shot of a towel crumpled on the ground. So I guess we can read into that. And Tayshia giggles while laying in bed. They didn’t have the physical intimacy that Tayshia really wanted but she got to see him for who he is….so no sex but she saw the D. She didn’t want to pressure him but also wishes she had said more. Well, we’ll have to see how this ends.

Time for Cassie’s date! They drive around the city a bit. Cassie is wearing a turtleneck with another sweater over it, an interesting choice. They walk around and go to a random shop and then dance on a bridge. They then crash some old people dancing, which is adorable, because of all the old people. Even though Cassie hasn’t said she is in love with Colton, or vaguely implied it, Colton is so ready and excited about Cassie.

They talk about the hometown and Colton shares that Cassie’s dad didn’t give permission. She is quite surprised by this – probably because she’s happy because she has another excuse to not be into Colton. Colton is not even slowed down by this information and wants to continue to blaze forward into this one sided relationship with Cassie. Cassie is upset and cries about it. But Cassie, you haven’t even bothered to tell Colton you are falling in love with him, so I don’t believe these tears at all.

Well, remember when Cassie’s dad didn’t give his permission. Super inconvenient since he’s in California…oh wait…he’s here! That’s one way to get a free trip to Portugal. Cassie and her dad have a nice sit down chat. He says she shouldn’t have any doubts and she shares that she has lots of doubts. She wants what her mom and dad have, and that’s just not what she has with Colton.

Cassie tells us straight to camera she has to send herself home. STOP EVERYTHING. COLTON HAS PUT ON THE FENCE JUMPING SCARF. CAN I EVEN HOPE FOR THIS MOMENT. Cassie shares that her dad showed up earlier. She wants Colton to get what he came here for. And she loves him so much BUT…she’s not IN love. Colton asks if she was planning to leave tonight and she is. Then she gets up. Colton follows her and lets her know he is okay with being patient (he does have a track record of waiting). After their date in Thailand Cassie was the person Colton was most excited to see. DAYUMM. Well if she goes home we have some second choices. Colton says it’s okay for Cassie to take her time. And that he doesn’t have to propose at the end of it. He wants it to be Cassie in the end. And he says it “I love you.”

So Cassie leaves. And she finally cries in the car, so I believe it. They weren’t on the same page and she wasn’t ready and Colton wants to put a ring on it.

But it’s time. He is wearing the scarf from the previews. He just had his heart broken. Colton goes into his room, and then comes out, pushes the camera out of the way AND JUMPS THE FENCE. DAMN. Jumping jahosafats! I waited a whole 9 episodes for this and it finally happened! And you know what, it was great. The producers call for Chris Harrison who has an incredibly impressive response time and then they open the gate and can’t find Colton. WHERE DID HE GO?! We actually don’t know! Tomorrow night is Women Tell All and then next week is a two day finale that will answer all our questions:

• Did Colton lose his virginity?
• Who will he pick?
• Will he propose?
• And how the heck can he jump fences so well?!

The Bachelor S23 E8: Rational dads that don’t microwave love

We start off hometowns with Colton in a shower, I guess you shower at home, so it sort of makes sense…? Colton’s greatest fear is getting to the end and picking someone that doesn’t love him back. I thought it was maybe jumping fences.

Caelynn goes first and they get to ride a horse drawn carriage around Fredericksburg, Virginia. The tour includes pointing out her pediatrician, because that’s fun. Colton should definitely check that these women aren’t anti-Vaxxers.

Caelynn’s family is having a nice little BBQ. Her sister is a little dubious of the process. And her whole family is a little tentative but hold the phone because Caelynn gets a moment to tell her step dad, John, that he has been a great dad and been for her there when her genetic dad wasn’t there. And it’s an adorable moment and he cries and AWW OMG that was heartfelt and nice. Colton then asks for his permission to marry Caelynn. And he gets it as long as Colton will love and cherish Caelynn forever and I’m here for all the dads. Dads are the best. The date ends with Caelynn full on committing and saying she loves Colton. So all her cards are on the table. But from seasons past we know that if you go first in hometowns we’ll forget you by the end and you might go home. We’ll just have to see.

Hannah is next! She’s from Alabama. And her date is an etiquette class…because that’s fun. Did you know that you’re supposed to butter your bread one nibble at a time?! If I did that I’d end up eating an entire stick of butter.
Colton meets Hannah’s family and there are like 80 ladies that no one really explains who they are. I assume just lots of cousins and maybe some random people off the street. Hannah’s dad is adorbs with his southern accent and wants to know Colton’s intentions. Well, Hannah’s dad, if you haven’t seen any of the promos Colton is a virgin and he has some intentions. But he gives permission to Colton to marry Hannah. Hannha ends the date by saying she’s falling in love and Colton says the same thing back because I guess we just tell everyone that now.

Tayshia is next! Their relationship has been about trust so of course Tayshia blindfolds Colton. And of course she then drives him to a sky diving place. I guess there’s not much to do in her hometown.

Well Colton and Tayshia jump out of that plane. Colton shares that he is falling in love with Tayshia too, because we have no rules anymore about saying the L word.  I miss that sometimes.

Time for Colton to meet Tayshia’s family. He’s scared. This one time Tayshia was married already so her parents are real protective right now. Tayshia’s dad asks some hard hitting questions and just wants Colton to not lead anyone on. Too bad that’s the premise of this show. He asks for that blessing and Tayshia’s dad ain’t going to give it to him. Because he just met Colton. DAYUMM. I am here for Tayshia’s dad. Also for Tayshia’s brother that wants to be in the FBI one day and will hunt Colton down.

Tayshia’s dad’s name is Desmond and I’m learning it because he continues with the fire quotes including “you don’t microwave relationships.” Yasss. He is a great dad and has so many valid points. Desmond is “content to saying yes with Colton,” at this point…which is definitely the least effusive agreement of all time.

Cassie’s hometown is last! And she’s from Huntington Beach. They go surfing. And by they, I mean Colton flounders around in the water while Cassie actually surfs. Colton wants to know what page Cassie is on to make sure they are on the same one. Cassie responds by saying “ummmmm…”

Time to meet Cassie’s family. She has a lottttttt of blond family members. She still isn’t really sure if she like likes Colton or just normal likes him because we’re in 5th grade. Colton lets Cassie’s mom know that he is definitely falling in love with Cassie. Cassie still isn’t sure and tells her dad that. Colton promises to protect Cassie. And then he asks for her dad’s permission….and doesn’t really get it. Because Cassie’s dad isn’t ready for that because his daughter has known Colton for five seconds.

And the day ends with Cassie still not saying she’s falling in love. So Colton is pretty much on the last page and Cassie hasn’t started the book, seems like a really good sign.

Time for the rose ceremony. We get straight to it and the roses go to: Hannah, Tayshia, anddddddddd Cassie.

So Caelynn goes home, no roses for beauty queens in this season. She does whisper to Cassie to “get engaged” while she hugs her. Caelynn believed she was going to get that ring, but it didn’t turn out for her. I have this feeling that a certain other show might turn out for her, but we’ll have to see.

Next week is fantasy suites! Which will be an incredibly awkward time for us all. But supposedly Colton will jump a fence, so we can only hope. AND it’s a two night session because Tuesday is Women Tell All. I can’t only hope that 30 minutes of the 4 hours of tv will be entertaining, but we can only find that out if we watch it all!

The Bachelor S23 E7: TRUST YOUR GUT!

There are only 7 women left! That means next week is hometowns, which is crazyyy.

Also crazy, they are leaving Vietnam to go to Denver. No offense Denver. And Ben Higgins is there! Because why not I guess. We do love Ben, he’s great. He gives some vague advice to Colton about following his gut etc. etc.

There are roses on every single date this week, and the first date goes to Tayshia. They walk around and do Colton’s fav things in Denver- which consists of oysters, wine, and ice cream. Colton wants to know the mystery of which girls aren’t ready, so he asks Tayshia. And she shares that some girls might not be there for the “RIGHT REASONS.” She throws Cassie and Caelynn right under that bus. Wow. That’s not who I would have picked. I feel like Tayshia is being a little devious, especially because Cassie and Caelynn are definitely front runners right now. Tayshia says that Caelynn said she doesn’t see herself getting engaged but does see herself as the next Bachelorette. And that Caelynn and Cassie aren’t ready for the engagement. Colton asks Tayshia about her family and it seems like her dad might not be thrillllllllllllled about meeting Colton. Sounds great, I want to watch that.

Caelynn gets the next one on one. And Tayshia gets the rose, so she’s getting a hometown! Caelynn gets to go snowboarding with Colton. Colton first needs to discuss what Tayshia had said. Caelynn defends herself and makes the valid point of why would she be on this show if she didn’t want to get engaged, also a valid point that you can’t be the next Bachelorette if you aren’t on the Bachelor first. Caelynn is not happyyy about Tayshia and intends to address that later when she gets back to the hotel.

Time for dinner, which seems to be in a barn with lots of paraphernalia and no heat. Caelynn continues to defend herself. She also says that she is falling in love with Colton. Which gets her the rose. And also a private concert at the Red Rocks theater which is actually kind of famous.

So the last one on one goes to Hannah B. – that makes the group date Heather, Hannah G., Cassie, AND Kirpa. Which is a lot of people.

So Caelynn is back in the hotel and it’s time for a discussion with Tayshia. She feels that their friendship is a lie. And that Tayshia stinks and she’s mad. No one fights or jumps fences so it’s anticlimatic.

Colton takes Hannah B to a very important place…his parent’s house. And she meets his parents. So Hannah gets to talk to Colton’s mom one on one. I assume she’s going to get a rose later because it would be awkward otherwise. But I wouldn’t put it past him, maybe he’ll jump a fence?! They eat dinner in a random airplane hanger. And Colton is a little worried that he might not be on Hannah’s level because she’s like real committed and real ready. Remember five seconds ago when I said it would be awkward if Hannah didn’t get the rose…it’s weird because Colton doesn’t think he’s as far along as Hannah, even though he is going to propose in like 2 days. Hannah handles it veryyyyyyyy well. I’m actually impressed. And she even gives a last line about listening to people about things and intentions. Good for you Hannah B. Good for you.

To confirm, the group date is: Hannah G, Kirpa, Cassie, and Heather. And there are only 2 roses left. So half these ladies going home today. They get to take a train up a mountain. Heather goes first and says she doesn’t want to take him home unless they are on the same page. And then she leaves. SO DAMN.

Now there are only three left, and two roses. So that’s better odds. Colton has to talk to Cassie because there’s all the rumors about her not being ready. Cassie says there is no truth to the rumors and doesn’t understand how the other girls would make it up. Colton just wants to trust his gut and his gut says that Cassie wouldn’t say that. Should Colton trust his gut or should he trust a bunch of scorned women?

It’s Kirpa’s turn and she is most concerned about herself but also concerned about Cassie and Caelynn. Kirpa has some actual proof that the two of them got defensive after Katie left. Colton just doesn’t know what to do because his gut is telling him things but the women are telling other him other things.

Colton is still unsure about the roses so he’s making this awkward date have a part two! Colton gives Hannah G, I mean Hannah with no last initial, the first rose! Which happens off screen and then they send Hannah back to the hotel so she can tell the story of Kirpa vs Cassie to the other girls.

So now Caelynn is at the group date….? WHAT? She says it’s all lies and BS and she wants Colton to have all the facts.  And then Caelynn leaves. So we don’t get to know what she actually told him. And then Colton gives the final rose to Cassie. Sending Kirpa home. Colton realized that he has to listen to his gut (which he mentioned 90 times).

So we have lots of guts AND NO FENCE JUMPING. Maybe next week we’ll get a fence, we can only hope.

The Bachelor S23 E6: Watch out for Shiny things

We ended last episode with the silly fight between Onyeka and Nicole. Colton goes to stare at the ocean for such a long time that they have to send out Chris Harrison. It’s time for the rose ceremony (most unnecessary cliffhanger ever). Two girls are going home, I wonder which ones…. The roses go to: Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa, Demi, Hannah G, Katie, and the final rose goes to Sydney. Sending Onyeka and Nicole home. Maybe don’t squabble in front of the Bachelor next time ladies.

Time to go to Vietnam!

Hannah G, Katie, Kirpa, and Demi haven’t had one on ones yet. Thanks to Demi having them raise their hands. And Hannah G gets the first one on one of this episode! They get to have some couples spa retreats things, including when they put a face mask on Colton’s face and Colton asks if it is on….his face. As a reminder, Hannah G got the first impression rose. Then they just make out on top of the table. I’m sure the staff loved that. Especially because then they make out in the mud bath…and the shower…

Hannah’s sob story for the second part of the date is that her parents got divorced. Her dad really loved his yard and this one time her mom drove over it in her car. Colton tells her it is okay that this is a vivid memory she has. He’s such a good boyfriend… Super unsurprisingly Hannah gets the rose. They get a private concert of what I assume is traditional Vietnamese music, which is just as awkward as when it’s some random country singer, good to know some things transcend culture. Colton also lets us know that he is falling in love with Hannah. It’s almost enough that we could drop the last initial and only have one reigning Hannah, but we still have Hannah B to worry about. And Hannah B is going on the group date with Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Sydney, and Demi.

The group date starts with Colton “being attacked” and fighting some dudes. They’re going to learn the ancient art of something I can’t spell and can’t even google correctly to learn how to spell. They get to fight each other. Which is fun. There is a lot of squealing. Demi is mad about being on a group date so just tries to legitimately fight people. They stop it before people actually get hurt. During the second part of the date Tayshia and Colton have an actually kind of adorable conversation, and he says he feels comfortable around her. Katie goes next and says it’s hard for her to display her emotions….including happiness. And then she cries. So I think maybe she can do emotions just fine.

Sydney goes next, the group date hasn’t been fun because you know, it’s in a group. She has some doubts but Colton tells her not to worry. Demi decides to use her time to call her previously incarcerated mother.

Sydney is worried that Colton wants a girl who isn’t like her, like a giggling Demi or Hannah B. Sydney lets Colton know she needs more, and also tells him that he seems to take the “easier” choices, which is fine. But she’s not an easier choice. So she decides to leave. Her parting words include “Don’t be distracted by shiny things.” DAMNNNNNNNN. Colton sure does get distracted easily. Speaking of which, back to the other girls as Tayshia gets the group date rose.

Time for Kirpa’s date! They start out at a table filled with food. And of course, they do not eat the food. Then they go on a boat so they can go snorkeling so they can spearfish some sea urchins. Which I can only assume they will not eat later because they aren’t eating anything!

It’s going well for Kirpa during the dinner portion as Colton holds her hand and rubs her fingers. We know that because the camera suuuuuuper zooms in. Kirpa has been engaged before. GASP. Colton wants to make sure she’d be okay with being engaged again, and she says yes. And she gets that rose. She then goes back to the room…where Demi is waiting. And Demi is ready to go get Colton and take his virginity.

So Demi is really just in Colton’s room because she was concerned about last night…that’s her onllllly motive. Demi is falling in love with Colton. And he “appreciates it.” Yuppppppp. So he lets her know that she doesn’t have to stick it out for the rose ceremony because he doesn’t see a future with her. I think Demi was less in love with Colton and more in love with being on reality tv.

Hannah G, Kirpa, and Tayshia have roses going into the ceremony. And Colton doesn’t want a cocktail party because he knows what he wants. There’s only 4 roses, which isn’t many. And they go to: Hannah B, Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather. Which sends Katie home. Colton sure likes his blondes.

We possibly might get to see Colton JUMP THE WALL next week! So excited!