Bachelor in Paradise S4 E8: Twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster walk into paradise…

On tonight’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise!

Dominique is very good at recapping couples:

Derek and Taylor

Amanda and Robby

Jack and Christen

Raven and Adam

Daniel and Lacey

then herself and Diggy.

Yay recaps! But here’s Jaimi! Her fun fact is she’s bisexual. So she could go on a date with a woman or a man! But let’s be real, this is Bachelor in Paradise, it’s not that progressive. She’s going to take a man. She asks Diggy. But like Dominique was vibing with Diggy so now she’s sad.

Jaimi and Diggy get to get some tacos. They kiss.

Now that Kristina is gone, D-Lo and Dean can be shallow together. Oh wait, here come the twins- Emily and Haley. And Emily has her eye on Dean. The other one has her eye on Derek. They have one date card and a double date.

Amanda gives the twins the low down on #Scallopfingers, Penguin Matt, Deanie baby, Tickle Monster, the entire gang. Hayley was going to ask out Derek, but he’s taken. So she decides to slum it with serial killer Jack Stone. Emily is not put off by Dean and D-Lo. Dean obviously says no to Emily. Emily doesn’t want to take no for an answer. Dean at least is aware enough that he should not go on this date because it would be crapping on both D-Lo and Kristina. Dean does stand strong for once and says no. So Emily goes to ask D-Lo about it. D-Lo says it is Dean’s decision. Dean still says no.

Emily decides to slum it with Tickle Monster. So some twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster are going to go on a date. Or not…

So like Derek and Taylor are in love. Can we regulate them back to the background because we already know this and don’t need to watch them be all love-y dove-y.

So Jack Stone the serial killer decides to bail on the twins. He wants to spend some more time with Christen. The twins are NOT HAPPY. They are livid. They are mad. They cannot name any more synonyms. Hayley only pity invited him. So they’re peacing out. Literally. They throw some scallops off of a balcony.

Jack Stone thinks he’ll maybe marry Christen one day. Because paradise is ending and now everyone has to have this conversation. Dean and D-Lo can be horrible together. Amanda and Robby can be annoying. And Derek and Taylor established their love connection forever ago. Adam thinks he could be in love with Raven.

It’s Chris Harrison! In the daylight! He calls everyone over to the palapa to tell them that it is the last day in paradise. So everybody better propose real fast! There are fantasy suites happening and relationships happening. And an engagement damnit!

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Bachelor in Paradise S4 E8: Twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster walk into paradise…

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E7: Zeus the dog <3 #truedat

Let’s get a couple recap from Dominique/me for Bachelor in Paradise!

Derek and Taylor (just need to go home and be married already)

Raven and Adam (ew Raven do better)

Robby and Amanda (I gave up hope on Amanda a long time ago)

Daniel and Lacey (weird together)

Dean, D-Lo, and Kristina (KRISTINA IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU DEAN – GO HOME DEAN)

Dean sucks. He was getting friendly with D-Lo last night and because there really aren’t that many places to go in paradise Kristina saw. Dean is just so stupid. He sort of apologizes but only because she saw.  He didn’t “plan” to make out with D-Lo in front of Kristina. Kristina isn’t going to wait around because Dean is not worth her time.

Jasmine doesn’t know who she is going to give her rose to. She is contemplating going after the Tickle Monster, because he’s good with his hands. So she attacks him with her face in the pool and makes out with him.

So this dude is here. He really hates Whaboom. I really have no idea what his name is. His name is Blake! Thank goodness that the producers let us know. He is like really sweaty. He asks the “bros from his season” to have a “manchat.” He’s going to put Whaboom behind him, by talking about it every five seconds. D-Lo flat out says that if he asked her that she would say no. But really, Blake stop talking about Whaboom. He also just called Kristina his not first choice. Five million strikes and you are out Blake.

Blake asks Kristina out. Poor Kristina. She says no because she has to figure things out. Which is true. Also it’s Blake. So like she doesn’t want that.

Oh wait and we have Fred! Camp Fred! He went to camp with Rachel and was a bad camper. Fred also has a date card and is going on a double date with Blake! Fred is taking Dominique on his part of the double date. Blake is still trying to find anyone. He goes for scallop fingers Christen next. Blake is just horribly awkward. Someone needs to take one for the team and go on the date. And thankfully #scallopfingers has a very low bar and says yes. Jack Stone really likes Christen and is scared that she’ll like Blake better. Blake sucks, don’t worry Jack.

The word on the street is that Jack isn’t a very good kisser. So it’s up to the ladies to help him. Jasmine kisses Jack (after some shots), and concludes Jack is a great kisser. D-Lo needs confirmation and verifies. So does pretty much everyone else. So now we know, Jack Stone is a good kisser.

Time to check in on the most awkward double date of all time. They’re on a super speed boat, which is good because no one can really talk. It’s bad for Scallops because she’s getting a little seasick. She then almost loses her contact after ziplining. It’s a pretty horrible date for her, but mostly because it’s with Blake.

Omg it’s Chris Harrison. What is he doing here not during a rose ceremony?! He lets the guys know that there aren’t any more men showing up this week, and there’s another date card for someone. Andddd the rose ceremony is tonight. The date card goes to Robby. Who takes Amanda.

Their date is at a carnival that includes Robby bashing a pinata open. Robby like really likes kids and Amanda has kids. Just look at him watch those children fight over the candy! So fatherly!

Time for the cocktail party. Ben Z is sad. His dog is at home. He is not at home. He needs to go home to his dog. Except like Ben was the best guy on paradise. But he gets to see his dog Zeus which will make him happy. But I’m sad.

Diggy tries to get a rose from Dom by playing a fun get-to-know you game. It’s cute. He’s cute.

So Christen is in a love square with herself, Jack Stone, Tickle Monster, and Blake. In the meantime Wells explains #scallopfingers. Christen doesn’t really get it. I’m not surprised. Daniel reveals he’s the next Dr. Suess and says Christen would eat them on a mat, with a cat, #truedat.

Blake decides the way to #scallopfingers’ heart is with actual scallops. He asks if she likes assertive men and then starts to kiss her. Tickle Monster then interrupts. His vote for who gets the rose is for himself. Now it’s Jack’s turn. She should probably pick Jack. We’ve confirmed he’s a good kisser. And he’s at least slightly normal. What a low bar we have here in paradise.

Time to get back to stupid Dean drama. D-Lo wants to know if he would accept Kristina’s rose, because if he does, then she’ll back off. Dean makes a decision and is going to pick D-Lo over Kristina. So now he has to tell Kristina. She is not happy because Dean is an idiot.

Kristina goes to talk to Raven. And is having none of Raven defending D-Lo. D-Lo was a part of this too Raven. So sorry honey, Kristina is right, and you’re wrong.

Wells remains the best person ever on this show and asks Kristina why she is fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for her. YAY FOR WELLS.

This is happening. We are getting a rose ceremony at the end of an episode just like it should be scheduled. YASSsssss

Lacey and Daniel

Taylor and Derek- fun fact, only a week and a half left of paradise! Everybody better fall in love quickly

Amanda and Robby

Raven and Adam

Dominique and Diggy

Jasmine and Tickle Monster- she wants to “tickle his pickle” – I want to never have heard that

Christen and Jack Stone

Kristina wants to be valued and respected and put first. So she’s not giving out her rose. Because no one on this island can give her those things. So she’s going home. Kristina is too good for paradise. Dean walks her out and Dean still sucks.

D-Lo gives her rose to Dean. Even though he just whispered that she was going to quit. D-Lo you can do better than crappy ass Dean.

So Fred and Blake get to go home after being in paradise for like 10 hours.

All the couples are love-y dove-y (ick).

Tomorrow on Bachelor in Paradise!

Jaime shows up but more importantly the twins are here. Double the trouble and drama!

 

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E7: Zeus the dog <3 #truedat

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

It’s that time of year again….

Bachelor in Paradise is back!!

Chris Harrison starts off the episode by addressing the drama that was heard around the reality television world.

The opening credits of this show will always be the best thing on tv.

Let’s meet the cast!!!

Raven is first, she’s the down home Alabama store owner who had never had an orgasm before.

Dean is next. You all know Dean. He has an odd dad and is adorable

Kristina is from Russia and was adopted.

Danielle M is a widow.

I really really liked Ben Z!

Iggy argued with people on Rachel’s season.

Jasmine asked Nick if he likes to be strangled.

Jack Stone has a last name.

Alexis still doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and shark.

DeMario has lots and lots of scandals. Including the fact he went on the Bachelorette with a girlfriend. DeMario wants to make a good second first impression. Well, we all know how this ended up. He tries to get Raven on his side.

Derek is here! Thank goodness he clarifies that he is from JoJo’s season. He looks like John Krasinski.

Alex is short. Like real short.

Corinne. She likes cheese and bouncy castles and naps and has a nanny.

We get a sidebar of Dean and Kristina being adorable together with their daddy issue.

Lacey came in a camel to Nick’s season. Thank god she clarified.

Diggy had some bomb ass bowties before he got eliminated too soon.

Penguin dude shows up in a penguin suit because he knows his branding. He was 6th place for Rachel.

Nick is next, as in Saint Nick. Once again, good job with the branding. He is into Jasmine and they get the first kiss of the season!

Amanda is a single mom and picked baseball douche Josh last year. It didn’t work out. Maybe because he’s a douche.

Taylor really likes emotional intelligence and really dislikes Corinne.

And that’s the cast!!!

We learn that Amanda tried to get on the celebrity version of Tinder and got denied because she wasn’t famous enough. The fact that she is currently on this show should have been her first hint.

According to Alex, Corinne and DeMario start their escapades into the pool 30 minutes into Bachelor in Paradise. It’s 4:30pm.

Time for Chris Harrison to talk to everyone to explain the not complicated process of the dates and roses. You don’t get a rose, you go home.

OMG JORGE IS FOLLOWING HIS DREAM AND OPENING HIS OWN TOUR COMPANY. Wells is his replacement. Like previous contestant Wells is about to just pour lots and lots of shots. I’m so proud of Jorge.

The women have the power this week and will be giving out roses.

Taylor and Derek hit it off. I guess Derek has at least a little emotional intelligence.

Kristina gets the first date card and she chooses Dean because he’s obviously the best choice.

Lacey and Iggy competing for the pair with the least amount of notoriety. Blah

Kristina and Dean get to go out to a nice dinner and there’s random confetti and a band and people screaming.

Jasmine isn’t feeling Saint Nick as much since he is kind of suuuuper drunk and it’s kind of hard to have conversations with suuuuuper drunk people. So Penguin Matt swoops in and makes out with her in the hot tub.

Awwww, Lacey’s Grandpa passed away and she has to leave. Sad 😦 Iggy lets everyone know…except he says it’s her grandma, maybe their connection wasn’t that strong.

And here is Robby. He’s…..well, full of himself. He has a date card and offers it to Raven. I hope it goes horribly. Robby is sad because he couldn’t pack his pocket squares or bow ties or whatever the hell lapel pins are. But don’t worry, he has a bathing suit for everything occasion! He gets to go jet skiing with Raven.

Ben Z breaks it down for us. He drinks beers at barbecues. Robby drinks wine spritzers on the beach.

Unfortunately Raven and Robby make out. Fortunately Raven has a cold an will probably give all her germs to Robby so maybe he’ll just go home. Don’t worry, Raven isn’t distracted by the hair and shiny teeth, she knows that if you have 12 abs something sketchy must be happening.

Somehow Jasmine is the hottest ticket on this island and both St. Nick and Penguin Matt want her rose. But he is not saved by the date card as it goes to Matt and he picks Jasmine. They get to go to a drag show! And Matt gets in drag and looks really good in a blonde wig.

It’s already rose ceremony time! There are 12 men and only 8 women.

Both Diggy and Iggy are afraid of going home and are trying really hard to get roses.

Ben Z is concerned because he left his dog at home and doesn’t want to be wasting his precious dog-less time unless it’s worth it and wants to get Raven’s rose. Robby has a shirt with sombreros on it an he’s in Mexico so he’s pretty sure he’s getting Raven’s rose. I vote the man with the dog.

It’s time. The producers take both Corinne and DeMario away and the production stops. But we won’t know what happened until tomorrow.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

There’s only three men left on The Bachelorette…that only means one thing! Chris Harrison inviting Rachel to get it on in the Fantasy Suites!

We start with everyone still in Dallas – because Rachel wants everyone to meet her family and her super preggers sister can’t travel so it’s happening right now!

Peter goes first. They go baby clothes shopping, Peter is pretty good at it.

So since they aren’t going abroad just yet, this means the men are not separated. Which means that Bryan can be a gossip whore. He’s bad mouthing Peter because Peter said he might not put a ring on it.

Peter wants Rachel to know how he feels, he means the world to her. And he finally says it. HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. SHE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM. YASSSSS.

Peter gets to meet Rachel’s family which includes her sister, Mom, Uncle, Aunt, and her Dad isn’t there because he’s off being intimidating.  Peter’s parents got married after a month and have been married for 36 years. It’s almost like fate!

Rachel talks to her hella pregger sister who is skeptical. Because remember last time Nick met her family and we all know how that ended up. Rachel talks to her mom about her doubts as well.

So Rachel’s mom goes straight for the jugular and asks Peter if he’s going to propose. And Peter still isn’t sure (goddamn Peter). And he’s not going to ask for permission to marry Rachel because he’s not sure. And her mom appreciates this. BUT I DO NOT. It was a nice family meeting but come on Peter, make a commitment. This is a show about getting married on national tv! Get with the program! (literally).

Eric is next. They look at the skyline and stuff.

Ugh Bryan and Peter talk and Bryan continues to be annoying and stirring the pot.

Back to Eric, in case he hasn’t already mentioned it 15 million times, he’s never done this before. Does this mean dating someone on reality tv? Or just meeting someone’s family? We’ll never know!! (It’s meeting someone’s family).

Eric lets everyone know he didn’t come from a typical family. And that family means a lot to him. Constance, Rachel’s sister, is a little dubious of Eric. Because remember that one time that Eric never loved anyone or met anyone’s family ever etc., etc. Eric wants a family and a wife and blah blah blah.

But Eric goes in for the kill, and asks for Rachel’s hand in marriage. She says yes but like not outright- more like if Rachel decides that she would want to pick you then you could propose.

Bryan’s turn. Ugh. He gets to have brunch with some girlfriends. Bryan doesn’t deserve bottomless mimosas. Rachel tells her friends she thought Bryan was a douchebag. RACHEL YOU ARE A SMART LADY. YOU KNOW BEST. UGH.

Time for Bryan to meet the family. Rachel’s mom isn’t stupid. She asks Bryan about his weird super clingy mom. And Bryan reluctantly ranks his future wife over his mom. Bryan then says Rachel was his girlfriend after a week. Constance isn’t hearing this BS.

The family keeps asking questions to the point that Bryan asks to be excused. If you can’t handle the heat GO HOME RIGHT NOW. Rachel’s family remind her of the fact she’s been living in a literal bubble and that maybe she needs to look at Bryan from a different perspective AKA he’s a douchebag. She’s really defensive of him.

Rachel’s mom has some red flags. It’s because Bryan is just throwing around the word love and like how it happened in 5 seconds. Remember Peter and the fact he wants more time. Like a rational person.

Bryan of course has to ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s mom says not everything can be perfect, so Bryan and Rachel can’t just skip off into the sunset. But she gives Bryan permission because she is a great mom and trusts her daughter. Rachel’s mom is the best. Bryan is not the best.

TIME TO TAKE THIS LOVE SHOW ON THE ROAD. Did you know that Spain is the perfect place to fall in love?! (By Spain I mean literally every country the finale happens in).

Here are my recaps of Rachel’s recaps of the men:

Bryan said I love you first.

Peter makes Rachel believe in the journey and doesn’t want to propose just yet

And Eric is just there.

So Eric gets to go first. Because we won’t remember his date by the end of this episode. They go on a helicopter ride. I really feel like we haven’t had that many this season. I’m feeling jipped.  The climb a mountain and ring a wish granting bell.

Now it’s nighttime….and that only means one thing…FANTASY SUITES. Rachel needs to dive deeper before she just willy-nilly gives out room keys from Chris Harrison. She makes him talk about his feelings for her. And here we go, official “I love you” from Eric! And nothing gets you a fantasy suite invite quite like some lovin’. Eric says yes because he isn’t stupid.

Time for the next morning-obvious-we-had-sex-rumpled-bed. They did it. And now we’re moving on.

BECAUSE IT’S PETER’S TURN.

They get to talk to an adorable old Spanish man about his wine cave. He sings to Rachel. It’s incredibly awkward but I love a little old man so it’s adorable. Peter lets Rachel know that he takes engagements SUPER seriously. Like he means it if they get engaged. Unlike everyone else that has ever been on this show. A random little girl interrupts this conversation so Rachel and Peter get to make out in the tub of grapes that get stomped into wine. Thank you little girl.

Peter’s family has an adorbs family tradition of saving a cork from special occasions with a memory on it and it’s so cute and imma steal this tradition. Rachel has to bring the conversation back around to the engagement. Rachel is a little more loose in her ideas of engagement while Peter, if he is going to commit, is going to commit.  COMMIT PETER.

And Peter doesn’t know how to compromise on this issue. AHHHGHHHH. NOOO NOOO. And Rachel doesn’t know what to do. Hand him the damn fantasy suite card and get on with being in love with each other forever.

Next week is Men Tell All. Urgh.

But in two weeks we get the finale where Peter better not mess things up!! If he even gets to the finale!? This might actually be the most dramatic season ever.

 

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family