Bachelor Announcement: It’s NICK

That’s right everyone. Famous #SaltyNick is the next Bachelor, and I’m not even mad about it. He has redeemed himself on Bachelor in Paradise by being super nice and like actually funny. And a therapist for Ashley I. So I once hated him but now I’m down. Let’s watch Nick fall in love!

 

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Let’s throw it back to Nick’s nicknaming of Salty Nick in honor of his quest for love.

Bachelor Announcement: It’s NICK

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E10 Everybody loves Wells

So Caila is leaving. Ashley I is just stirring up trouble. Jared gets angry at her and decides to leave with Caila. Ashley I cries some more.

Jared decides to leave with Caila and chases after her, while not wearing any shoes. Then he gets in the car and they drive away together. But like – Jared isn’t wearing any shoes. Jared has none of his stuff. And he’s barefoot. You don’t want to go through the Mexican airport without shoes!!

Ashley I is worried about looking like a lunatic…yeah…too late.

So Wells and Jami come back holding hands. This is going to go well…s. Ashley I handles it well(s) and Wells is feeling her being rational and Ashley I decides to keep being rational.

Izzy is feeling Brett. Ew. We miss Vinny.

Now we have a great love triangle of Wells-Jami-Ashley I

Lauren H shows up next, I kind of know who she is, she is not the Lauren that won or one of the other five Laurens from Ben’s season. Five seconds later Shoshanna walks in, I only know who she is because it was confusing whether she could actually speak English…which it seems she now can. It’s a double date and they pick Brett and Wells.

They go on a surfing date, we learn that Shoe (that’s her nickname, at least phonetically) has a tongue piercing. And they all like surfing which is like super fun!

Nick works with Ashley I on her expectations to mentally prepare her for maybe going home. And there’s no way we’re letting her walk back this time.

So for some reason we get a recap of last night, you could have just read my blog instead, but Nick and Josh aren’t friends and Josh sucks. Amanda and Josh get a date card. If they spend the entire date making out I will throw myself off of a cliff in Mexico.

They go and sit at a table for the date. Josh only cares about Amanda and totally isn’t listening to all the people that keep telling him he’s a douche. Amanda isn’t really worried about Josh being a douche. There’s fireworks and it’s lame and Josh still sucks.

Back to Wells. As Ashley I breaks it down- his choices are her, a random Canadian and a Russian hooker. And sadly, Daniel is not the random Canadian. Jamie kisses Wells and then Ashley I retaliates by moving her mouth on Wells’

Next week is the finale! OMG

And there’s rings involved! Neil Lane!  AHHHHHhhh

 

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E10 Everybody loves Wells

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E9: Let’s just all read Andi’s book already

Let’s get back at it!

We pick up with Caila calling Ashley I out for being extremely annoying and clingy. Which she is. Caila gives up and Jared goes in. Ashley I cries. I lost count with what number cry this was.

Ashley I then cries about her dog Lucy, and I’ll give her this one. She prays to Lucy to get a man she likes. And then walks in Wells. Everyone needs Wells to take Ashley I on this date. Everyone including Lucy the dog. And they’re all really nervous. They need it to happen. HE DOES IT. WELLS GETS IT DONE. EVERYONE CHEERS.

Jared and Caila take the time that Ashley I is away to try and out do Amanda and Josh with on-screen making out. They aren’t going to dethrone Amanda and Josh, but they are on their way.

Ashley I and Wells’ date starts with tacos and taco puns. I like this guy. They eat some tostadas. We learn that Ashley I’s fav band is Hanson. They feed a dog.  It’s adorbs.

There’s trouble in paradise with Lace! Lace and Grant are both being stupid. They get in a fight and Grant storms away to sit on his top bunk of his bunk bed. Lace cries.

I know everyone was worried that Jared and Caila were getting all the make out screen time, so let’s show some more Amanda and Josh.

It’s okay Grant and Lace have had their first fight and are over it. Grace is back!

So Nick and Jen want to get it on. And Amanda lets them know that they can have the boom boom room. But Josh says no, he wants the boom boom room. Because Josh sucks. And Amanda is actually asleep in her own bed, and Josh is a dick.

Rose ceremony time!

It’s literally been like 5 years since the last rose ceremony and 4 guys came in. Wells, lamp dude, old dude, and other dude. Aka Brett, Ryan, and Carl.

Couple recap! Grace is back on track. Carly and Evan are still ew and ‘totally falling in love with each other.’ Daniel is on the chopping block and scrambling a little. He brings one of the twins a crap ton of fried foods. Which like, works for me. He then goes on to Izzy and brings her a lamp, in honor of the lamp guy.

Brett (other lamp guy) is confused by Daniel’s lamp encroaching on his territory. So he makes out with Izzy.

Josh and Amanda are back to making out on camera. The twins are worried because Josh is  a douche and Amanda does not deserve that. They talk to Nick about it, and Nick has like actual firsthand Josh douche experience. Time to bring up Andi’s book again.

Now it’s actually time for the rose ceremony.

Carly and Evan

Ashley and Wells

Jen and Nick

Izzy and Brett (lamp guy)

Caila and Jared

Lace and Grant

Amanda and Josh

Haley and Emily now are crying. And not giving their roses to anyone…and are now leaving.

WHAT. So Ryan  (old dude), Carl (other dude), and Daniel have to go home.

Before they leave they talk with Amanda. And both of them cry. They bring up the book for the ten millionth time. And talk about how Josh has a temper and is a douche canoe. They point out the very valid point that Josh has a crap reputation and Amanda is America’s sweetheart so if you wanted to fix your reputation dating her would look good.

Amanda confronts Josh and he avoids the questions and says he hasn’t done anything for the last 6 months because his dog has cancer. The poor puppy – but like, not a real excuse.

Josh handles it really well by yelling at all the other cast members. So Nick calls out Josh and they yell over each other. For like 5 minutes. Totes not sketch. Josh angry. Josh smash! Josh threatens to leave. Amanda disregards the warning of literally everyone there and decides she trusts Josh.

So Wells wakes up at like 5am because no one else is awake. And down the stairs comes Jami. Who I did not remember/ do not remember her spelling her name like that. She asks Wells because he is literally the only one awake. So people start waking up, those people not including Ashley I.  So let’s hide from the impending shitstorm now that she is awake.

Poor Nick takes the bullet as the messenger and lets Ashley I know what happened. Ashley I takes it very well…….by not crying….yet. Nick is mentally and physically preparing for Ashley I to break down. Ashley I believes in her connection with Wells and is not worried.

Jami and Wells drive a thing through some mud and then go swimming in a waterfall place. They also wear matching bathing suits. Wells asks Jami if she likes Batman, since she has a Batman tattoo, which I really really hope she does like Batman. Then they make out.

Ashley I slowly begins to crumble as she is forced to watch Caila and Jared constantly kiss each other. And she’s back to obsessing about Jared. And talking to Caila about how she is really strong and used to be jealous but isn’t jealous anymore. Caila flat out asks Ashley I if she wants Caila to go home. And Ashley I pauses for a hella long time. And then guilts Caila into feeling guilty.

And Ashley I masterminds Caila’s leaving. Which is pretty impressive.

Tomorrow!!

Caila leaves. Jared decides to stay or follow Caila. Ashley I cries. Wells is really popular. Fun!

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E9: Let’s just all read Andi’s book already

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E8: OMGGG Jade and Tanner are back <3 <3 <3

Do you ever just look at your life and think, wow, I spend over 3 hours a week watching Bachelor in Paradise? #lifegoals

Back to Vinny and Izzy dramaaa. They cry. Vinny wants to leave. But Izzy loves him? But lamp guy is what she wants now? Vinny is leaving and sad. I’m sad. This is the first legit break up of Bachelor in Paradise says Evan. As always Evan is wrong, Chad and Lace were the first.

And here comes Jade and Tanner! The producers dream of an actual success story from Bachelor in Paradise. They have a date card and get to choose who gets to go on the date through intense interrogation.

We learn that Carly still thinks Evan is weird. Lace is not ready to say ‘love’ to Grant just yet. So of course she questions everything. Is this man she met days ago really her true love!?!? Amanda and Josh stop sucking either others’ faces off long enough to say some words. Jen and Nick have known each other for 4 days. Jade is hardcore shipping Jared and Caila. And then Ashley I……is alone and tries to sabotage Jared and Caila’s date.

And the date card goes to Jared and Caila!! Shockerrrrrrrrr. This upsets Ashley I- another shocker.

Jen is worried that Nick hasn’t expressed his love after knowing her for 4 days. Nick has slightly rational fears of not being the guy that proposes to people on tv and gets rejected 3 times.

Jared and Caila’s date is a recreation of Jade and Tanner’s date, which is kind of creepy. Caila lets Jared know that Ashley I is kind of cramping her style by crying all the time and calling her a hoebag. They eat dinner in the rain and then make out in this muddy creek thing. #soromantic

Time for Carly and Evan and still #ew. And Evan gets a date card so we get to watch an entire date of this. #doubleew Evan wears mint shorts on his date. And the date consists of exploiting some natives in a hut. It’s a sweat hut. Which is always fun and sweaty. I think Carly is just convincing herself to like Evan and has drank her own kool aid. Carly’s “lady boner is finally back.” #ewwwwwwwwwwww

Caila is like really happy being with Jared. Ashley I is really unhappy. She is going to stimulate Jared ‘correctly’ and ‘make out with his mind.’ She tells Jared that she thinks Caila is fake and not as interested in Jared. Jared asks Caila about this. And Caila sees right through it and knows where it is coming from.

So Caila decides to confront Ashley I about it…with 3 minutes left in the episode. Caila calls Ashley I out for sabotaging.

Next week!!

Grant and Lace are getting rocky. Josh is a dick. Fun times!

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E8: OMGGG Jade and Tanner are back <3 <3 <3

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E7: Not as much crying

I missed the first 5 minutes- but I know that Ashley I cried.

Carly now likes Evan for realz now. And says sorry and then attacks his face with her face. I still want to barf.

So Daniel’s rose is the one where no one knows what he will do with it. Sarah should obviously get it, not just because she made him a cake.

The twins try a different strategy where the one throws the other under the bus that is Daniel’s lips and wants her to kiss him. The poor sacrificial twin.

Oh wait, there’s been 5 minutes without Ashley I crying, so let’s cut back to that. Her strategy to get Daniel’s rose is to continue to cry about Jared. Daniel is cute for about 2 seconds while telling Ashley I about how she deserves someone who likes her. And then he goes into why having sex with Ashley I would be great. It’s bleeped out because the producers don’t actually want us to go crazy.

Rose ceremony time! Everyone is coupled up except for Daniel, but to just review it as it happens:

Grant and Lace #grace

Josh and Amanda #ew

Nick and Jen #whatevs

Vinny and Izzy #vizzy

Evan and Carly #superew

Jared and Caila #adorbs

Daniel anddddddd Haley #DAMNIT

That means Ashley I goes home. Which no one cares. But so does Sarah :((((

Ashley I cries and asks for the car to be stopped. Because rules don’t apply to her I guess. And she comes back. GO HOME ASHLEY.  She asks if she can come back for a second chance with an actual open mind and not obsessed with Jared. The twins say yes and everyone ‘agrees.’ They just want to watch the drama.

The first man in is…..Carl. He was on Andi’s season I guess. We’re really scraping the bottom of this barrel.  Ashley I doesn’t want him so twin gets to go.

Five seconds later another dude shows up. Brett….from Andi’s season. He brought a lamp…because he brought a lamp to Andi.  Izzy thinks he is really hot. He wants to talk to Caila, because Caila would totally pick Brett over Jared. Oh wait, that would require Caila knowing who Brett is-and no one knows that. He does ask Caila and she says yes. Ashley I is jumping for joy.

Caila talks to Jared about it, Jared wants her to stay. So she decides to not on the date. Just as I said, you pick Jared over that guy who we don’t even know who he is. Oh wait, no she is going on the date. This is extremely confusing.  Wait no she isn’t. I’M SO CONFUSEDDDDD. Wait no she is going. OMFG. I can’t. At this point Brett shouldn’t want to go on a date with Caila anymore because my god Caila can’t make up her mind.

So Caila and Brett go on a double date with twin and Carl. It’s a boat dance party/booze cruise. No one can remember Carl’s name. #carlwho?

Ashley I moves on from Jared by spending the entire time talking to Jared.

Back to the booze cruise. Twin and nameless guy are grinding up on each other. Caila isn’t having a great time. Caila has regrets. And now they are back from the party boat. Caila lets Jared know she hates pressure (and decisions). Then they make out. Yup. Another point for Jared and no points for other guy.

Andddddddddd Ashley I sees. Annnnnnnnnnd Ashley I cries.

Brett is on the prowl. He thinks Daniel is his biggest competition. HAHAHAHAHAHA

OMG another new person. Ryan….he from is Kaitlyn’s season. I give up. He asks Jared who he should ask and Jared says Ashley I. What a pal. He avoids the bomb and asks Haley out, she says yes. #duh #he’snotDaniel

So Ryan and Haley go on their horse date. Ryan is old. It’s boring.

Grant wants to do something special for Lace- I forgot they were on this show. Not to jinx it, but I haven’t seen Amanda and Josh make out in a while. They get a couples massage. Grant confesses his love in the hot tub.

Izzy thinks Brett is like super cute. But Izzy is with Vinny. But Izzy doesn’t want any regrets. Vinny doesn’t like how Izzy is talking to Brett. How dare she talk to someone who isn’t him?! Izzy decides to talk to Vinny about the situation- which I guess is just that she thinks Brett is cute. She’s only like 75% into this.  So I guess they just broke up? Everything is confusing. You can think other people are cute while dating people. Also Brett isn’t that cute.

Vinny is sad and tells all his bros. All of his bros have his back. Bros before hoes.  Vinny just wants to leave.

Tomorrow:

Izzy cries. Grant and Lace cry. Jade and Tanner come back because they’re bored and want to be famous. Caila and Jared make out. Ashley I cries. She says “make out with his mind.” Caila calls out Ashley I.

 

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E7: Not as much crying

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E6 Let the crying commence

We left with Ashley I walking down those steps. This will definitely go well. In case you didn’t watch last season Ashley I loves Jared. Jared doesn’t like Ashley I. He’s too nice to truly turn him down. And she cries, oh she cries every five seconds. So I bet it will be about five seconds until she cries after seeing Jared and Caila.  Her goal is to only cry 3 times…this entire season. Yeah….she’s going to cry about 10 times this episode. Jared is very direct and nice and tells Ashley I about Caila directly. Of course Ashley I and the twins are bffs. Ashley I cries. Yup. Called it.

Ashley I consults a parrot to see if she should just go home. Because if she can’t have Jared why bother? Ashley I then talks to Caila. They had previously discussed how Ashley I has ‘dibs’ on Jared and like how could Caila talk to Jared. #sounfair.

Jared then talks to Ashley I and continues to be extremely nice. He’s just so nice. He tells Ashley I to take Daniel and she does. The date card mentions sacrifice and Daniel lets Ashley I know that he can take care of the killing of the baby animals- what a man.

Ashley I trades in the parrot for Jorge the bartender, who gives actual advice.

So Daniel gets confirmation that Ashley I is still a virgin- which turns him on. Damn Daniel, back to being creepy.  More exciting is that they are actually eating on camera- which never happens. It’s okay, Ashley I thinks he’s ‘a very nice man.’ Except Daniel just used the word ‘deflower.’ He then tries to come up with some euphemisms about Canadian food including Canadian bacon and poutine…which doesn’t work. But now I want some poutine.

Then some natives that we definitely aren’t exploiting come and take Ashley I away because they are going to sacrifice a virgin. And Daniel keeps eating, because he has priorities. And wait, that was the end of the date. Huh

Back to the beach and Ashley I is already crying again.

Poor Nick, as he says, literally everyone but Ashely I is having fun. And he’s all alone in a corner.

Jen is here! She’s from Ben’s season of the bachelor, Caila lets me know. And that’s all I know about her. And the twins think she is hot. Daniel offers to pay Jen to take him out. Nick uses a less creepy approach and just says he would like to go out with Jen. Jen picks him.

Carly thinks that Evan might have faked an illness to get to her. She’s unsure if it’s flattering or crazy. I’d go with crazy. Evan has like super swollen ankles and has to go to the hospital and he decides to capitalize on that and make Carly come with him. I’m a little iffy on this supposed medication he’s taking for his “ankles.” Seeing as he’s an erectile dysfunction doctor. Going to go look up the side effects of viagra now.

Evan and Carly get to go to the hospital in an ambulance. I somehow doubt that Bachelor in Paradise has great insurance coverage. Who is paying for this? Carly sees Evan in a different light and is backpedaling on how she thinks he is icky and creepy. Ughh.

Nick and Jen have a nice date that is infiltrated by crabs. I don’t think the crabs ship them.

And back to Ashley I crying. And that’s 3 for this episode.

And now it’s rose ceremony time. The guys are giving out the roses.

Jared reassures Caila. Ashley I talks to Nick about them. And she cries. #4 for this episode.

Ashley I now wants to talk to Jared directly. She’s not okay. She really likes Jared. And here is the fifth cry.  Ashley I came to paradise to get over Jared…yeah. That’s not happening.

Next week!

Ashley I cries some more (shocker). EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. And then more people show up- like Brett(?) idek who that is. And then more people cry. Let’s all cry together!

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E6 Let the crying commence

Bachelor in Paradise s3 E4 the rest of it

Time to watch the second half!

Caila is here! As Jorge says “this just got good.” The twin is intimidated by Caila’s great hair. Aren’t we all. Caila and her great hair ask Jared on a date. And as Jorge says “of course it’s Jared!” Jorge the bartender is a great wingman. Jared tells Caila he needs to talk to Emily first and is so adorbs. Emily is sad….and ‘heartbroken,’ I hate to break it to her, but I don’t think she’s heartbroken just yet. Her critiques of Caila include Caila being too perfect and wonderful.

Cue the orchestra to some love tune! Caila and Jared ride over the dunes on their horses and into love <3333 .  A plus- Caila isn’t afraid of getting her perfect hair wet. She really is a magical woman. They kiss as the sun sets and this is a done deal. Sorry ladies, Jared is now taken.

Izzy and Lace get the first double date in Bachelor in Paradise history. I’m scared. So scared. Lace, hate to break it to you, but you and Grant aren’t a day 1 couple. That would be you and Chad.

Jared and Caila come back and twin Emily is really awkward. I now maybe know the difference between them…probably not. Jared lets Emily know that he prefers Caila’s magnificent hair. Oh Jared, if only the producers didn’t know how to create the best drama ever and weren’t planning on bringing Ashley I. back to spoil all your fun.

Time to check in on the double date. In case you were wondering what their celebrity ship names are… Grace and Vizzy. I’m going to go barf in a corner and wish I didn’t have to watch this date. Vinny is wearing a shirt that has a print of lipstick stains, enough said.

Carly and Sarah decided to make their own double date…with Daniel and Evan. I don’t know why. It starts with Daniel eating lots of broccoli. Evan is there, so of course it’s horrible. Sometimes Carly is incredibly creeped out by Evan, and sometimes she really likes him. All the time I am incredibly creeped out by Evan.

And then Evan like passes out. OH goodness! We need a doctor…no, not a dick doctor. It’s okay, he’s okay. Then he makes out with Carly. Who still doesn’t know if she is disgusted or turned on by him. Either way, ew.

Unpredictably the double date becomes super messy and there’s like bubbles and dancing and idk.

Then we end on the best cliffhanger ever. ASHLEY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

Bachelor in Paradise s3 E4 the rest of it