The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

There’s only three men left on The Bachelorette…that only means one thing! Chris Harrison inviting Rachel to get it on in the Fantasy Suites!

We start with everyone still in Dallas – because Rachel wants everyone to meet her family and her super preggers sister can’t travel so it’s happening right now!

Peter goes first. They go baby clothes shopping, Peter is pretty good at it.

So since they aren’t going abroad just yet, this means the men are not separated. Which means that Bryan can be a gossip whore. He’s bad mouthing Peter because Peter said he might not put a ring on it.

Peter wants Rachel to know how he feels, he means the world to her. And he finally says it. HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. SHE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM. YASSSSS.

Peter gets to meet Rachel’s family which includes her sister, Mom, Uncle, Aunt, and her Dad isn’t there because he’s off being intimidating.  Peter’s parents got married after a month and have been married for 36 years. It’s almost like fate!

Rachel talks to her hella pregger sister who is skeptical. Because remember last time Nick met her family and we all know how that ended up. Rachel talks to her mom about her doubts as well.

So Rachel’s mom goes straight for the jugular and asks Peter if he’s going to propose. And Peter still isn’t sure (goddamn Peter). And he’s not going to ask for permission to marry Rachel because he’s not sure. And her mom appreciates this. BUT I DO NOT. It was a nice family meeting but come on Peter, make a commitment. This is a show about getting married on national tv! Get with the program! (literally).

Eric is next. They look at the skyline and stuff.

Ugh Bryan and Peter talk and Bryan continues to be annoying and stirring the pot.

Back to Eric, in case he hasn’t already mentioned it 15 million times, he’s never done this before. Does this mean dating someone on reality tv? Or just meeting someone’s family? We’ll never know!! (It’s meeting someone’s family).

Eric lets everyone know he didn’t come from a typical family. And that family means a lot to him. Constance, Rachel’s sister, is a little dubious of Eric. Because remember that one time that Eric never loved anyone or met anyone’s family ever etc., etc. Eric wants a family and a wife and blah blah blah.

But Eric goes in for the kill, and asks for Rachel’s hand in marriage. She says yes but like not outright- more like if Rachel decides that she would want to pick you then you could propose.

Bryan’s turn. Ugh. He gets to have brunch with some girlfriends. Bryan doesn’t deserve bottomless mimosas. Rachel tells her friends she thought Bryan was a douchebag. RACHEL YOU ARE A SMART LADY. YOU KNOW BEST. UGH.

Time for Bryan to meet the family. Rachel’s mom isn’t stupid. She asks Bryan about his weird super clingy mom. And Bryan reluctantly ranks his future wife over his mom. Bryan then says Rachel was his girlfriend after a week. Constance isn’t hearing this BS.

The family keeps asking questions to the point that Bryan asks to be excused. If you can’t handle the heat GO HOME RIGHT NOW. Rachel’s family remind her of the fact she’s been living in a literal bubble and that maybe she needs to look at Bryan from a different perspective AKA he’s a douchebag. She’s really defensive of him.

Rachel’s mom has some red flags. It’s because Bryan is just throwing around the word love and like how it happened in 5 seconds. Remember Peter and the fact he wants more time. Like a rational person.

Bryan of course has to ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s mom says not everything can be perfect, so Bryan and Rachel can’t just skip off into the sunset. But she gives Bryan permission because she is a great mom and trusts her daughter. Rachel’s mom is the best. Bryan is not the best.

TIME TO TAKE THIS LOVE SHOW ON THE ROAD. Did you know that Spain is the perfect place to fall in love?! (By Spain I mean literally every country the finale happens in).

Here are my recaps of Rachel’s recaps of the men:

Bryan said I love you first.

Peter makes Rachel believe in the journey and doesn’t want to propose just yet

And Eric is just there.

So Eric gets to go first. Because we won’t remember his date by the end of this episode. They go on a helicopter ride. I really feel like we haven’t had that many this season. I’m feeling jipped.  The climb a mountain and ring a wish granting bell.

Now it’s nighttime….and that only means one thing…FANTASY SUITES. Rachel needs to dive deeper before she just willy-nilly gives out room keys from Chris Harrison. She makes him talk about his feelings for her. And here we go, official “I love you” from Eric! And nothing gets you a fantasy suite invite quite like some lovin’. Eric says yes because he isn’t stupid.

Time for the next morning-obvious-we-had-sex-rumpled-bed. They did it. And now we’re moving on.

BECAUSE IT’S PETER’S TURN.

They get to talk to an adorable old Spanish man about his wine cave. He sings to Rachel. It’s incredibly awkward but I love a little old man so it’s adorable. Peter lets Rachel know that he takes engagements SUPER seriously. Like he means it if they get engaged. Unlike everyone else that has ever been on this show. A random little girl interrupts this conversation so Rachel and Peter get to make out in the tub of grapes that get stomped into wine. Thank you little girl.

Peter’s family has an adorbs family tradition of saving a cork from special occasions with a memory on it and it’s so cute and imma steal this tradition. Rachel has to bring the conversation back around to the engagement. Rachel is a little more loose in her ideas of engagement while Peter, if he is going to commit, is going to commit.  COMMIT PETER.

And Peter doesn’t know how to compromise on this issue. AHHHGHHHH. NOOO NOOO. And Rachel doesn’t know what to do. Hand him the damn fantasy suite card and get on with being in love with each other forever.

Next week is Men Tell All. Urgh.

But in two weeks we get the finale where Peter better not mess things up!! If he even gets to the finale!? This might actually be the most dramatic season ever.

 

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The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

Tonight, on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette……

It’s hometowns!

The first hometown is Eric and Baltimore. He’s never brought a girl home before, which would be a red flag, except that Eric said it’s because people get shot near him all the time. So valid excuse. They play basketball on Eric’s old court and meet Ralph…Eric’s A1…? Like the steak sauce? Whoever the heck Ralph is, he’s really nice and proud of Eric.

Eric’s family is really nice. The really remarkable thing is that they fit like 15 people on one couch.

 

The other thing they do is bring up Rachel being the first black Bachelorette. Eric’s Aunt Verna is pretty great. Eric is swaying me towards his side. His hometown went really well, he ends it by saying he is “really in love with this girl.” So almost saying Love but not quite. But don’t worry, because we all know there’s going to be some real drama coming up (*cough* Dean’s dad *cough* Bryan’s mom).

Up next is Miamiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Hometown of face-eating Bryan. Except I thought he was from South America? They start by playing dominoes with adorable old men. Then they get some arepas. Then Bryan has to prep Rachel for his family- meaning his mom.

Bryan’s mom is a little dubious of the process- seeing as it has been 7 weeks and all. Rachel just really wants to be liked. Bryan’s mom is a little intense and threatens to kill Rachel if Bryan isn’t happy. I don’t think this woman is joking. She also calls her son the love of her life. You know, her son, the person genetically related to her. Yupppp. But it’s okay, Bryan’s mom is a Rachel fan, because like in the end, aren’t we all hardcore Rachel fans?

Bryan knows how this show works and professes his love to Rachel. Rachel is obviously a fan of Bryan.

Time to get some cheese, and by cheese I mean Peter’s breathtaking smile in Wisconsin <3. Also it might be a sign- it was rainy and crappy in Miami and is sunny and beautiful in Wisconsin. Yupppp, it’s a sign. We’ll ignore the fact that Rachel ate arepas in Miami and had to eat pickles in Wisconsin.

Rachel first gets to meet Peter’s friends. They’re like nice, normal, Wisconsin people. They tell Peter to stop being ridiculous and commit already. Direct quote: “Don’t f*ck it up.”

Peter’s family has one intense couch. I’m pretty impressed. Rachel is more preoccupied with whether Peter is ready to propose after the cumulative 2 hours they’ve spent together this season. Rachel flat out asks Peter’s mom, she thinks Peter is ready for “commitment” which is not a proposal. Rachel is not here for a boyfriend. She is here for a husband. I’M HERE FOR THEM TO FIND LOVE TOGETHER FOREVER ALREADY.

Dean is up last in Aspen, CO. He hasn’t spoken to his father in 2 years. Nothing like The Bachelorette forcing interactions among families on national tv. First they go ATV riding so Dean can let Rachel know that if they need to literally ride away from this upcoming meeting that they can. Dean’s dad is Paramuru (Sp?) and his stepmom is Santartar (Sp?). Oh god.

Well everyone is on the floor. Which stops the nice couch streak we were on. Everyone then lays on the floor while Dean’s dad plays the gong. They get to eat some sprouted mung bean curry. I feel incredibly bad for Dean. Confronting your father on tv is never easy. I will say Rachel is incredibly understanding and probably the best person to ever bring home to your weird family.

One good thing is that Dean and Rachel’s relationship is stronger now. One bad thing is that definitely just screwed over my bracket.

Time to get back to business. Chris Harrison is here to help Rachel recap this episode so we know which men she’s going to choose. BUT I DON’T KNOW. I guess we’ll just have to wait 8 minutes to find out.

First rose goes to Bryan. Then Eric. THEN OMG OMG OMG Peter.

DEAN IS GOING HOME. I mean I knew it in my bracket but didn’t think it would happen after watching the episode wowwww.

I’m thinking she knew it wasn’t Dean in the end so she wanted to break his heart sooner rather than later. But dayummm. Poor Dean 😦

Next week:

FANTASY SUITEEEEEESSSS and Rachel’s family in Spain. Let’s do this!

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??

This week, on The Bachelorette….

There are six dudes left.

Bryan- the 37 year old chiropractor that eats Rachel’s face

Peter- <33333333

Eric- he’s the last black guy

Adam- he has a creepy ass doll #AJforever

Matt- he’s a crappier version of Alex #RIPAlex

and Dean, baby face, actual baby Dean.

So there’s no rose ceremony this week- just 3 one-on-ones and one three-on-one.  Rachel is just mixing things up!

Bryan gets the first one-on-one. He is a front runner with Peter. But since he’s not Peter I don’t like him that much. They drive a fancy car and go to a fancy watch store because #swiss. She pulls a Corinne and buys Bryan’s love with a watch. They have a very nice time and Bryan continues to fail at kissing.

Dean gets the next one-on-one. Adam is mad he hasn’t had one, because like he has never talked to Rachel and isn’t sure he wants to bring her home since they like don’t talk. That is a rational thought Adam. Good for you.

We finally get to learn some info about Bryan- he had an earring. He likes school girl uniforms. Bryan had a girlfriend on a beach. It didn’t work out. But don’t worry, he’s getting a rose and Rachel’s getting to meet his family.

Dean and Rachel are going to church! A Catholic church! In French! Yupppp. After church they get to wander around. Dean is concerned because he has an awkward family dynamic. Remember that one time we didn’t get to meet famous #sportsball player Aaron Rodgers? How could Dean’s family be worse than that. Rachel wants Dean to open up and Dean goes with asking about the tooth fairy and dinosaurs. I love me some dinosaurs, but not the time or place honey.

The last one-on-one goes to Peter. YAY.

Eric is not an idiot and realizes the three one-on-ones are the top three and that the three losers on the silly three-on-one are tied for last.

Dean manages to get past his pension for dinosaurs and owns up to Rachel that his family isn’t ideal. After his mom died, his dad got a little eccentric, and he’s honest and adorable. Which makes everything much less awkward so he gets the rose. Still not going to win, but good try Dean.

It’s time for Peter’s date. GET READY FOR THE LOVEEEE. They go in a helicopter and then a dog sled. Sorry I can’t hear you over how perfect they are together. Peter is having some doubts because he’s a rational person and doesn’t actually enjoy dating someone who is dating 15 other people. Peter remains adorable and insists that everyone will love Rachel.

Okay Peter, let’s stop for a moment. Your sob story isn’t really a sob story. This one time you drove away from someone you broke up with amicably.  Get over it.

But let’s get back on the Peter train because he’s getting a rose (obviously). <3333

Time for the three-on-one. Literally no one knows who these guys even are. They at least get to go to France. Which coincidentally is AJ’s hometown. Everyone is obviously gunning for the rose. Everyone should obviously go home. They all say hokey things- blah blah blah.

Rachel begins to cry and tells Matt he reminds her of herself…? She needed an excuse to send him home and just sends him packing mid way through the date. He at least takes his champagne on his long car ride home. Now that’s an exit.

Time for this horrible date to continue.

Adam literally doesn’t understand how this show works because he thinks he has a deep connection with Rachel. That would require them to speak to each other. He gets like really intense in discussing his family and his love for Rachel and it’s wayyyyyy too much.

Eric talks about how he grew up in Baltimore and it was tough. And how he used being positive to grow. It’s an actual backstory with actual reasons why he hasn’t ever brought anyone home.

It is time to give out the rose. I really think Rachel should just skip the rose. She gives it out to Eric. Not a shocker.

Bye Adam, bye AJ, the best creepy ass doll that ever existed. Adam doesn’t want Rachel to have any regrets. Don’t worry Adam, she never knew who you were, she has no regrets.

Coming up:

Rachel is in a vineyard/desert place…? She makes out with a lot of people. There is some family drama and by some I mean a lot. And Dean was being nice when he said his dad is eccentric. OH BOY. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??