The Bachelorette S20 E6: Crying for Argentina (and Derek)

We’ve left the most romantic place everyone has never heard of to go to Buenos Aires! (Cue the Evita). (So Evita actually played, I’m so happy and so psychic)

Let’s recap with Chris Harrison! He needs to earn his paycheck somehow. Robby said he loved JoJo a little too soon, but whatevs.

There are 8 guys left, I had to count them while they walked down the street. Let’s try and name them!

Luke the veteran

James Taylor the adorbs singer

Chase the guy I don’t know anything about

Preemptive lover declarer Robby

Short Mad Alex

Jordan the not football players

Wells- the bad fireman

Anddddddddddddddddddddddd guy that looks like Jim from the office. That’s 8!

This week we have a group date, one-on-one, and ANOTHER two-on-one date.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and admits he hasn’t kissed JoJo…what the heck has he been doing? In a weird coincidence his date card says “Kiss me” in Spanish. Hmm. We get some really great awkward music for their date, which doesn’t consist of any kissing for the first half. The next part of their date is the Cirque du Soleil Fuerta Bruza show, first made reality tv show famous on America’s Next Top Model Cycle 8. They finally kiss while being drowned on the plastic sheet…yay. Wells tells JoJo his last relationship ended him in just being best friends, I can’t imagine how that happened seeing as he didn’t kiss JoJo for like ever.

Back to the guys to find that the group date is: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, Alex

So the two-on-one goes to Chase and Derek. DUN DUN DUN. But literally because that’s not real drama because I know nothing about either of them so let’s add some DUN DUN DUNs for some added drama.

JoJo sends Wells home to live in the friend zone forever. Poor Wells, maybe if he did something besides suck at putting out fires on his first date this wouldn’t have happened.

Group date time! They wander around Buenos Aires and challenge some random men to some soccer. James Taylor doubts himself in the most adorable way ever and is so adorable.

Time for the second part of the date where James Taylor continues to adorably doubt himself when he shouldn’t. Luke spews some emotional ‘opening up’ bullshit to JoJo and they make out…a lot.

James Taylor remains a good guy and does stupid good guy things and decides to talk about the other guys in the house to JoJo. No! Don’t do it! #letstalkaboutJordan Jordan said he is Jordan Rodgers or whatever and he’s super cool and in magazines. So JoJo confronts Jordan about this mysterious poker game.  He denies it, gasp, didn’t see that coming.

Jordan goes back to the group and we get some super fun awkward silence and Jordan confronts James on James’ confronting of Jojo about Jordan. Luke gets the rose. And by Luke I mean his mouth that made out with JoJo for like 10 hours.

Time for the two-on-one! Because we haven’t had enough awkward for one episode let alone season. And obviously it should be a tango lesson with three people. Fun times. Derek and Chase talk about how hot and sexy the tango is in monotone and somehow I don’t really believe them. Derek understand the game and tells JoJo he is falling for her. Chase does not and didn’t know that JoJo wanted more from him. And Chase gets the rose because JoJo I guess didn’t really like Derek anyway.

Derek gets the most kick ass exit ever as Don’t Cry for Me Argentina plays dramatically in the background. It’s fantastic and perfect. Poor Derek goes home.

So Luke and Chase have roses and there are three roses to give out to. That leaves Jordan, James, Short Mad Alex, and Robby.

Jordan swoops in first to say he can see them together for like ever. And ever. Short Mad Alex is feeling the pressure. He’s never been on a one-on-one date. Or gotten a group date rose, so now he’s pissy about it, just like a little boy that his stature resembles. Maybe he’ll throw a tantrum next.

Rose ceremony time!

Robby gets the first rose

Jordan gets the second (gasp…not)

And then JoJo decides to run away down the stairs. She doesn’t want to give the last rose out. And she gives it to Chris Harrison. She decides to give it to no one and sends both James and Alex home. NO WAIT. Chris Harrison comes back with two roses so now James and Alex get roses and no one goes home! Well no one besides Wells and crying for Argentina Derek.

Next week.

We start talking about hometowns incessantly. People get intense. JoJo cries some more. Dramaaaaaa

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The Bachelorette S20 E6: Crying for Argentina (and Derek)

The Bachelorette: S20 E5: Here’s a Chad, There’s a Chad, Everywhere there’s a Chad Chad

The episode starts off en media res. Chad has been booted off. His suitcase has been symbolically removed from the doorway and the rest of the men celebrate.

Ding dong the witch is dead! But wait! Chad is back, but unfortunately not really. Everyone stands really far away from him and he sort of apologizes and then moves on.

Time for the rose ceremony. DAMN Daniel (ex-henchman of Chad) and James F (he owns a boxing gym) go home. And we find out where the next location for the dates are…Uruguay!  The location where all the super cool people in South American go (according to JoJo), or really where all the third tier drug lords go.

Despite not being able to say anything about Uruguay besides the fact that it is in South America JoJo is super excited.

The first one-on-one goes to Jordan. JoJo spoke with his ex in Dallas before the show started (because she’s psychic and knew he would be on the show?) and his ex said he was like a super asshole (surprise!). Jordan denies and blames it on the sports. See, sports are the root of all evil. #Sports

He gets the rose, they make out. I am not convinced I want to go to Uruguay…like ever.

While they are on the date someone mysteriously finds a copy of InTouch (that happens to be in English) that has an article by JoJo’s ex. Everyone is upset. JoJo comes back and the producers laugh with glee and show her the article. She is upset. She goes and tells the guys she is upset. Guess the name of her asshole ex…CHAD. Just goes to show you, you can’t trust a Chad.

The group date is next- it’s everyone but Robby who gets the final one-on-one. They go like sand boarding or whatever and it starts to rain, more points for Uruguay. And then Derek tells JoJo he needs validation. Derek is the one that looks like John Krasinski aka Jim from the office. JoJo gives Derek the rose for validation. Alex, the super short annoying one, decides he needs to take issue with this and gets mad. #ShortmadAlex

Robby’s one-on-one date consists of the sights of Uruguay…which includes jumping off of a cliff…because no one wants to actually live in Uruguay and they must bury their emotions by jumping off of cliffs. Robby is like super nervous because he needs to tell JoJo he loves her. Slowww your roll Robby, that’s not for a couple of weeks. Right now it’s kind of creepy. JoJo says thanks, and they make out under the fireworks #specialmagic

Rose Ceremony time. There’s no cocktail party but first Derek (who has a rose) has to confront Robby (rose), Jordan (rose), Alex #shortmadAlex, and Chase (I think) about how they are like super mean and have a clique and he’s not in the clique. #ShortMadAlex doesn’t really care, and blows it all off in a way that would make Regina George proud.

The rose ceremony happens and we finally get rid of the STD of Evan the erectile dysfunction expert. Vinny the barber goes home. And so goes #HandsomeSquidwardGrant. I will miss his handsome and fantastic cheekbones. He got pretty far for being ethnic.

The previews for next week promise a place you’ve actually heard of- Buenos Aires. And lots of making out. The previews for the rest of the season show JoJo having a ‘panic attack’ right before the final rose ceremony and freaking out. Maybe it could be the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON FINALE EVERRRRRR.

 

Sidenote 1: Chad is on Bachelor in Paradise, the worst best show ever. And it looks like he’s bringing all the meat and protein

Sidenote 2: JoJo killed it in the outfit department this week and I can’t even decide which dress was my favorite. She slayed

The Bachelorette: S20 E5: Here’s a Chad, There’s a Chad, Everywhere there’s a Chad Chad

The Bachelorette S12 E4: Never go alone in the woods with Chad

The last episode ended on the super fun cliffhanger of Chad threatening to literally dismember everyone…let’s see what happens next!

Chad comes in to apologize, because Chris Harrison made him. Gasp- no one thinks its genuine!

Pool party time! I guess at least we’re objectifying everyone equally…

JoJo is nervous about Jordan, she doesn’t want to pull a Des and Brooks and not be on the same very important page of getting engaged after knowing someone for 6 weeks

We sort of managed to go two minutes without talking about Chad or having Chad on screen, but we get some Chad. And of course, Evan swoops in, which makes Chad mad. Then Chad bad mouths everyone else. Chad’s newest beef is with Derek because Derek told JoJo why the security guard is there. Conveniently, Chad compares himself to steak and erectile Evan to ice cream. Guess which one has the most protein?

Rose timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Evan, James Taylor and guy whose name and occupation I don’t know still have roses

Roses go to: Grant (firefighter)

Derek (Chad’s newest enemy)

Jordan (brother of football player #sports)

Luke (veteran)

Robby (idk)

Wells (he is a shitty firefighter)

James F (he owns something, which I only know because they had his talking head 2 seconds previously)

Benny (he’s a barber)

DAMN Daniel (He’s Canadian)

Alex (he’s really short)

And the last rose goes toooooooooooooo: Chad (duh)

Which sends home: Christian (he’s ethnic, he was bound to go home soon), Ali (awkward dude), Nick (SANTA………NOOOOOOOO)

Well now it’s time to leave the mansion, everyone loves free trips! …to Pennsylvania?

First one-on-one date goes to Luke the veteran. And they go…dog sledding…through the mud…on a cart…with a driver…yeah….

There’s then a hot tub in the middle of a forest, that requires Luke to chop wood to heat. Which is ridiculous because it would need to be heated for at least a few hours with that volume of water.

We learn that Luke likes nature. And cities in the US.

Chad refers to himself as #ChadBear, so there’s a cut to a bear. I like the bear more than Chad

The second date card: Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny. James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby

So we assume the next date must be a two-on-one with Alex and Chad, which if it is isn’t even a good pairing, I wanted an Evan/Chad or Chad/Derek showdown

We get some actual sad back story from veteran Luke. Who is a nice guy. And I like him. He gets the rose. Yay! They totally get jipped and have to be at a real concert with other people. Ew. Private concert or no concert.

The group date takes place in Pittsburgh, at the Heinz field, and I know that because I’ve been there! And they had giant ketchup bottles. Then they #sports.

Then James Taylor rips his head open and denies stitches…please get your face fixed honey, you need that.

Then we get to see Chad and Luke and Alex in the house together. Predictably it goes really well.

It then goes back to the group date where they continue to play #sports. Evan gets yet another bloody nose, confirming my assumption that there’s a relationship between bloody noses and erectile dysfunction. The Blue team scores the points and gets more time with JoJo.

Robby wants to tell JoJo how he is feeling, I assume he wants me to know who he is as well. Quote of the day “Robby is a man,” thanks JoJo, good to know

Jordan “opens up” to JoJo more, by opening his mouth and making out with her and gets the group date rose.

And it’s official, it’s a two-on-one with Chad and captain of the Anti-Chad club Alex. They get into a fight even before the date. Chad knows he might go home on this date and takes the opportunity to threaten everyone one last time.

The date consists of being in the middle of the woods. Which is totally safe because you definitely couldn’t hide a body there. They also have axes to cut down the random ass branches on the random ass trail they are on. Alex goes straight for the proverbial kill (unlike the actual kill Chad will perform later) and tells JoJo about Chad’s scary threats etc. JoJo calls him out for it and then Chad gets actually scary and implies his threats make sense.

Chad isn’t mad, it’s just disappointed. He advises Alex to have a glass of milk.

JoJo gives the rose to Alex, because violence is bad, and so is threatening violence.

Chad then takes his cup of what I assume is milk, into the woods. The cameramen should really run away and everyone probably needs to go into witness protection program.

Oh and Chad knocks on the front door because he is literally a villain

Next time:

JoJo cries, Chad comes back to possibly kill everyone, more people cry. Oh my!

The Bachelorette S12 E4: Never go alone in the woods with Chad

The Bachelorette S12 E3: Chads and Roids

First of all I’m a little offended by this two night extravaganza. ABC is certainly assuming I don’t have a social life and can dedicate 4 hours of my life to this show this week…and yes their assumption is correct but I can still be offended.

Now back to business:

Chad is still here. That has been your Chad update

There is 1 group date and 2 one-on-one dates, Chris Harrison everyone, making his paycheck

Chase gets the one-on-one date…I guess I’ll learn who he is now.

They go to yoga…so fun. The yoga instructor asks them how long they’ve been intimate together, because she obviously has no idea she is currently being filmed to be on the Bachelorette. Yoga I guess involves lots of grunting, but not in the sexual kind. Just in the weird grunting kind. After the grunt they sit on top of each other and of course start making out. I’m 99% sure making out isn’t a yoga move. Chase is now a yoga fan. That is all I know about him. JoJo enjoyed the date, I’m still waiting to find out his occupation, age, and freaking hometown. Oh wait, his parents are divorced. His sob story isn’t even interesting. But he gets the rose, because why not #hesnotChad. JoJo sees a future with Chase, and knows him so much better. AND I STILL DON’T KNOW HIS JOB

Group date:

Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Benny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad…………..OMG CHAD IS ON THE DATE. What could possibly happen? Wait, we can’t even get to the date for the drama to happen. Because Chad is bad at sharing and would rather not go on a date with 1,000 other guys. And then insults people…like idk it’s so confusing. Maybe I’ll eat some more protein and try to figure it out.

The date is a one woman show…that starts with some orgasms…it’s a show called Sex Talks! So fun! Now let’s make all the guys share their sex stories. I’m all for being open and talking about these things. But now about I’m not forced to watch it. Thank god for super-cuts and editing since I don’t have to sit through it all.

Evan decides to use his story to talk about how steroids are bad. Chad is going to kill him. Chad is going to crush him. RUN EVAN RUN! Chad like hits Evan or something. Chad’s speech thing is to try to kiss JoJo on stage and she denies him. Then the guys go backstage and Chad decides to push Evan by his neck.  Yup. Chad is definitely not on roids.

Jordan opens up to JoJo, he goes with the bold clothing choice of an old white t-shirt with a blazer. Then talks to other guys…and then there’s Chad

Chad doesn’t start things, he just retaliates…and rips people to shreds. I will say Evan the erectile man keeps antagonizing Chad

The next one-on-one goes to James T

Chad literally says: “What’s up. Your welcome. I’m here.” In regards to how his presence is a breath of fresh air in comparison to all the other losers JoJo has to talk to.

Then Evan the erectile dysfunction expert makes the stupidest ultimatum that JoJo has to choose between him and Chad. Which is just stupid because they both suck but JoJo is obviously contractually obligated to pick Chad anyway, who I would still pick over Evan. The producers obviously force JoJo to give Evan the rose. #ewno

Chad literally says ‘Is this real life’ and I do have to agree. What is even happening on this show anymore?!

The solution to Chad is a security guard to watch over Chad. Good. Because Chad totally couldn’t use his roided out body to smash the guard

Now it’s time for James and Jojo’s date, and it’s adorable and we only get three minutes before we go back to Chad.

Back to James who is so adorable and actually genuine and definitely my front runner right now. And JoJo won’t pick him in the end because she definitely likes the bad boys/douche bags/Chad

Continued actual quotes- “Be less like Hitler”- Daniel is just trying to look out for his henchman status. He tells Chad this while Chad eats a raw sweet potato- I’m pretty sure it is now someone’s job to just hand Chad ridiculous things to eat on camera

JoJo tells James he is the whole package and gives out the second pity rose of this episode. But unlike stupid ass erectile Evan, James deserves a real rose

GASP. There’s no cocktail party tonight. Instead we get an all day pool party. Let’s count the amount of times the guys say JoJo looks hot in her bathing suit.

Evan is stupid so of course he likes to tattle, because the 20 producers and 15 cameras didn’t see Chad punch a wall. Chris Harrison is here to save the day.

There’s a line that Chris Harrison has to draw…but he’s not asking Chad to leave. He’s just forcing Chad to apologize. Because this will go over so well.

Slightly surprised this episode’s cliffhanger wasn’t Chad standing over a dead body

But tomorrow we’ll see…

CHAD. PUNCHES EVERYTHING. BLOOD. POOL FLAMINGO TOY THINGS.

The Bachelorette S12 E3: Chads and Roids