The Bachelorette S14 E8: Let’s eat some wings!

So I missed last week but it’s not really important because it’s final four hometowns!!!!

The last four are:

Garrett who got the first impression rose and likes racist things on Instagram

Jason who has greasy hair and is from Buffalo

Unremarkable other dude

And Colton who hooked up with TiaT.

So a great group of guys.

Garrett goes first and he has a farm themed date! They plant plants! Such fun! Garrett used to be married to a not very nice lady so his family is real protective. But it’s okay because this is a show and Becca will win everyone over.

Time to go to greasy-haired-Jason’s hometown of Buffalo. First they eat some buffalo wings. Becca ate like half of one, that’s a deal breaker for me. I would have eaten at least 20. Then they take their bloated selves ice skating. And then they make out…on a zamboni…while the poor driver just drives it along. I feel so bad for him. She meets his family, they are nice. It is boring. But Jason has to throw out the love word because this is final four here people and we gotta commit.

Time for Blake! I didn’t remember his name! He supposedly had the first one on one but I’m not sure I believe that. So Blake told Becca he loves her and she loves him back but the rules of whether she can tell him are iffy so we’ll just have to wait. And their date starts in Blake’s high school. Whyyyyyyyy. The amount of high schools on this show is insane. Although we learn there was a school shooting there which is sad and gun control is a real thing we need to do. Then there is a surprise concert by Betty Who, she’s a real musician. Where did this budget come from?


So Blake’s mom has very large hair. And she is a little dubious of this process. This one time Blake had a girlfriend for like 6 months and they broke up and Blake was never going to love again so like this is tough for all of them.

Colton is next. We learned last episode that he is a virgin. Which is odd since he hooked up with Tia. So if they never even got to home base why do we even care? #drama

Their date is going to the hospital to visit some sick kids. Fine Colton, this is nice. Way to use your football fame for good. Colton hasn’t ever brought anyone home, just like he has never had sex. Except twitter is here to remind us all when he dated the olympic gymnast and posted a pic of matching Christmas jammies at his house. The internet knows all Colton, about Garrett’s racist insta likes and your past relationships. Becca gets to discuss Colton’s virginity with his mother, how fun.

Time to bring in the ladies! Becca needs some advice from her friends and oh wait Tia is here and one time Tia hooked up with Colton. So Becca recaps her hometowns and of course says she met Colton’s family. And Tia interrupts her to tell her that she still has feelings for Colton. After that one time they hooked up and didn’t have sex. Tia feels sick to her stomach about it. I never liked Tia and I will continue to not like Tia. Becca is predictably a little upset about her good friend saying that she really likes one of her final four. BOOOOOOOO Tia. BOOOOOOOOOO

Time for the rose ceremony.

To recap we have Garrett that likes inappropriate things on instagram. greasy hair Jason, super cute and my new favorite Blake, and stupid-love-triangle-with-Tia-Colton. Colton decides to talk to Chris Harrison about the expectations of the fantasy suite…instead of talking to Becca. He’s horrible. BOO.

Time for the roses:

New favorite Blake gets the first one

Greasy haired Jason gets the second

And the final rose goes toooooooooo Garrett!

That’s right. Becca is not here for love triangles and sends Colton home!

Colton says he knew Becca was special after she met his family, he maybe should have known that a little earlier.

Time to travel to Thailand for fantasy suites!  Let’s go!!

The Bachelorette S14 E8: Let’s eat some wings!

The Bachelorette S14 E6: This did not make me want to visit Richmond, VA

We’re at the point in the season where we have to pretend that Virginia is a desirable location and we have to have a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison.

Oh and we’re 2 seconds and in we have a fight about body shaming. Because Lincoln called Chris a fat f**k (or fat piece of sh*t, we have conflicting stories) and Chris used to be fat so this really cuts deep. Oh Chris and Lincoln, what can I say?

Jason gets the first super exciting date in super exciting Richmond. The explore the Edgar Allen Poe museum and attend an “unhappy hour.” I don’t want the dates on this show to be things I can do, I want jumping off of bridges and 90 hot tubs. Becca does bring Jason’s friends to their date, how long the friends were waiting in the random bar in Richmond we’ll never know. They seem like nice dudes.

Jason’s date continues to his sob story because we gotta pull out all the stops at this point. His Grandma had Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember his dad. Yes that’s sad, but a bit of a reach Jason.

Colton, Garret, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris get the group date. So Leo gets the one on one. YASSSSSSSS

Jason gets the rose, okay fine, this relationship isn’t horrible. But Jason’s hair is. #sogreasy

The group date is American history themed. Oh and the guys have to debate, which is being moderated by Chris Harrison, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln. Oh wait and the first questions is from the Governor of Virginia. I can’t. But it gets better because we just gave Lincoln and Chris microphones and an audience. And when you give a mouse a cookie. Chris lets everyone know that he was once fat so Lincoln calling him fat really hurt his feelings. It’s insanely awkward, and bad, and no.

Time for the second part of the date that definitely isn’t tense at all as Chris and Lincoln both insist they are both right. And Lincoln is scared that Chris might beat him up. I’m scared Chris might beat me up.

Chris is like really exhausted for having to defend his assholeness, like it takes a lot out of you. Oh wait Lincoln said that Connor said that he was scared. Also it might be spelled Conner but I really don’t care.

The guys that don’t suck attempt to make up for the horrible date and Colton is glad he got his one-on-one early (sure) and Wills says he’s falling in love (awwwww). Colton gets the group date rose.

Time for Leo’s date. YASSSSSSSSSSSSSS. They go in an airplane. And Leo talks about how Becca doesn’t have to have fake fun on a date and can be genuine and I like him so much. They have the most real conversation in this entire darn show. Their date continues with farming oysters? And Leo is amazing which means this isn’t going to go well for him. Once they are done catching their dinner they get to eat it at city hall.

Leo talks about how his parents are still in love and how his dad has high standards and that is hard. Leo is so nice and so great and a real person. And thank god Becca recognizes this too and he gets the rose. YASSSSSSSSSSSS. Oh but we’re not done we have a concert because we haven’t suffered through one of these in a while.

Chris is not okay that Lincoln is here because he eats too many eggs. And he is going to find Becca and tell her he’s ready for marriage even though last week he wasn’t. He has been crazy both last week and this week, so there’s that. There are just too many red flags (many more than 12 eggs’ worth) so Chris is going home. And he refuses a walk out. Boy byeeeeeeeeee.

Time for the cocktail party that we’re not having, straight to the roses! There are like no roses to give out which is crazy.

Garrett, Blake, anddddddd Wills! So bye bye to the earth is flat Lincoln and Connor who once threw a picture across the pool like a frisbee.

And next week we go to an actually exciting location! The Bahamas!

The Bachelorette S14 E6: This did not make me want to visit Richmond, VA

The Bachelorette S14 E5: No more Danke Schoen or golden underwear

We’re in Vegas this week so it’s time to take a gamble on love! We can stop the gambling references here, and by that I mean every other sentence seems like it will be a pun or reference.

Colton gets the first one-on-one of the week. Hopefully he’s not actually the two-on-one with Tia showing up. Their date is riding camels…because that’s what you do in Vegas? We get the first oddly placed hot tub of the season – in the middle of a camel field in the middle of Vegas. We get to Colton’s backstory and he has only been in love once and was broken up with.

The group date is Wills, Garret, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. Which meanssssssssssss Chicken David and Model Jordan are on the 2-on-1. Say what you will but the producers give us what we want.

Back to Colton and how he and Becca have already overcome sooooooo many obstacles. Like that one time Colton hooked up with Tia 5 months and then told Becca about it. He obviously gets the rose. And he does it, he says it, he’s falling in love with Becca.

On the group date they get to hang out with Wayne Newton (?). I guess he sings, he does have the entirety of all the Botox in the world in his face. And the guys have to write songs for her. Chris already had to do this exact thing on his one-on-one date so he’s an old pro for this. And of course the guys have to all perform for a live audience. Which means we have to watch too. #whyyyyy Nothing like 5,000 horrible renditions of Danke Schoen.

Chris decides to just go for it and once again already had to do this once and did a passably good job and made up for the utter lack of pitch with some enthusiasm.

David and Jordan officially get their 2-on-1 date card. Lots of posturing happening here.

Back to the group date, Chris is realllllllly confident in himself. And dude whose name I don’t know confesses that he is falling in love with Becca. Idk he’s generically white. Oh wait his name is Blake and he gets the group date rose. Becca isn’t messing around with dudes not confessing how they are falling. Chris internalizes the fact he didn’t get the rose and also didn’t get much alone time and says he must be going home. Calm down Chris, calm downnn.

Time for our two-on-one and it’s in the middle of the desert. YASSS. I’d personally send them both home. David starts out strong by spending his alone time by talking about Jordan. David feels great about this conversation, oh David. He says that Jordan was walking around talking about how he could marry models but is going to settle with Becca. Jordan dismisses this and then launches into his sob story. His mom has multiple mental illnesses but his dad still loves her. Are we going to get a Dean hometown part 2? #pleaseno. Jordan’s greatest power is being Jordan, that is not David’s greatest power. Becca feels like she is back in 6th grade. I agree Becca. Send them homeeeeeeeeeee. She sends David home but isn’t necessarily giving Jordan that rose just yet.

Now Jordan gets a one-on-one pretty much for the rest of the date with dinner with Becca. They get really deep and we find out that Becca goes to brunch on Sundays. And Jordan puts a lot of effort into his appearance with the gym and skincare. He shows off how he can move like any muscle in his face and wishes if he only had his portfolio to show Becca. And because Becca is great, she isn’t giving the rose to Jordan either. Even his facial muscles cannot save the date.

Jordan takes it well by listing all of his accomplishments: he can speak, he can walk. He’ll be doing those things at home from now on.

I’m just going to say it- I have not liked any of Becca’s rose ceremony dresses so far.

Becca grabs Chris first because Chris has been on the complain train of not getting any alone time. Chris starts with the fact that Becca owes him 50,000 kisses. NOPE. Becca needs someone who is a partner and will be there to split it 50/50. Not 50,000/0.

Chris doesn’t want it to end badly and goes to steal Becca away from Wills and Wills gives him 2 minutes, but 2 minutes exactly. He is not messing around. And he doesn’t back down even while Chris awkwardly refuses to leave. And then Chris and Wills return to the other guys and we establish that Chris sucks some more as he argues with everyone.

Chris gets that alone time though to say he is falling for Becca but is a little scared. He is just putting himself out there and stuff.

Time for some rosesssssss. Remember Blake and Colton already have theirs.

Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, some other dudes I missed, anddddddd the last rose goes to Chris. Boo.

That means John of internet Venmo fame goes home.

Time for a change of scenery, time for somewhere super fun….Richmond, Virginia!

The Bachelorette S14 E5: No more Danke Schoen or golden underwear

The Bachelorette S14 E4: I love you…r cologne

We pick up with the rose ceremony cliffhanger.

The one dude tries to lighten things up by talking about kids…on his bunkbed. Oh wait he’s Blake, but Blake be more smooth than your bunkbed! And be more considerate to the fact David broke his face when he fell off the bunkbed.

Becca decide to give Jordan the underwear wearing model some gold booty shorts. But oh wait broken face chicken David is back to interrupt. And Jordan isn’t threatened because he’s the prettiest but he sure does talk about David a lot. Becca gives David a pity rose- oh wait, just normal rose- sureeeeeee, so he doesn’t have to stand up during the rose ceremony.

So it’s time for the actual rose ceremony and Jason gets the first rose, but oh wait, there is a dude in a track suit…I don’t know why.  Wills, Nick (forever now known as tracksuit guy), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc is the last to get the rose.

Sending silly long haired dude and generic other dude home. And it’s time to move on from the mansion and go to Utah.

Garrett gets the first one-on-one of the date. He also got the first impression rose which statistically leads to lots of success. They get to walk around the town and spend some time in a souvenir shop…a great way to start a date.

Let’s check in with the boys! And they are discussing the very controversial topic of the world being…flat. That’s right, Lincoln thinks the world is flat. And I’m not saying the people on this show are smart, but at least the other guys are looking at him like he’s insane.

Becca and Garrett get to go bobsledding and meet some former Olympians, that happen to be lesbians, and this happens to be important because Garret likes to like homophobic racist things on instagram. So don’t be dazzled by his smile, we’re critical. Becca is definitely dazzled.

And I missed some of the middle which I will fill in later!

But first Jean Blanc is going to give Becca some perfume because he’s a cologne connoisseur. Becca isn’t feeling it. Jean Blanc goes ahead and tells Becca he’s falling in love with her. And she doesn’t say anything, because this is realllllllllll early. But like jk he doesn’t mean it. And he’s going home, because it’s too much too early. But oh wait he questions the gift he just gave her. It gets more awkward just when you think it’s done.

And Becca is done with this crap and this date and not giving out a rose because all she wants is honesty and you go girl.

Wills has the one-on-one after that horrendous date, so let’s see how this works for him. All the dudes wanted one-on-ones but now that Becca is being serious they are all running scared. But Wills is stepping up to the plate and going to try. They get to snow mobile through some snow and get a picnic, which I feel would be really cold on your butt.

So Wills has to solidify the fact that he is not the asshole of Jean Blanc by telling his sob story of his girlfriend that cheated on him. And Becca can relate because this one time the supreme asshole of Arie was an ass. Wills gets the rose, he seems like a nice boy. Which is nice.

But oh hey we only have 13 more minutes left which means no rose ceremony. But we get the beginning of the cocktail party. OH JK. There is not cocktail party, we’re going straight to roseeeeeeeeeeee. YES.

Leo gets the first rose, then Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John (I think), Chris, David, and the final rose goes to Jordan, surprise surprise.

So going home are Nick and Christon (??). Bye boys.

And they are going to Vegas next. But oh wait, Jordan has never been last place in his entire life, so watch out he’s a sponge and if you squeeze him you can get everything out of him but you never know until you try….?

The Bachelorette S14 E4: I love you…r cologne

The Bachelorette S14 E3: Let’s not get injured

Okay let’s not waste any time!

There’s a literal storm a brewing and it’s raining and we need some drama.

The first group date is a spa with some relaxing, so obviously we need to bring Tia in so we can address the Colton/Tia hookup drama. Tia talks about how like how could she ever know that Colton would get on the show and Colton is like really concerned about his relationship progressing. And the guys paint a lot of nails. And of course a few got theirs painted as well #soprogessive

The second half is pretty lame but we learn that Jordan has 1,000 Tinder matches, which is like a lot. But this somehow turns into 4,000 matches which is just physically impossible. And Jordan isn’t messing around, he is professionality. And don’t try to red underline squiggly me, that’s now a word.

Chris gets the one-on-one for this episode.

We leave the Tinder drama to go back to Colton one time had sex with Tia drama. He is totally here for her and allllllllllllll of the right reasons. So we just accept that and move on to making out with him. He also scores the group rose so it’s definitely his day.

It’s still raining and time for Chris’ date and there is much music. And it is realllllllll awkward as the famous dude (who I learned is Richard Marx) plays the piano and then stops singing making Becca and Chris pick up the words horribly. And then they have to write their love song. Chris’ face definitely fell when he heard that and it’s like really hard to be vulnerable and write a random song that means nothing.

And then this one time Trump met Kim Jung-Un and interrupted my show for like a long time.

BUT BACK TO THE REAL BUSINESS. Chris’ parents like got divorced and it’s hard to be vulnerable but don’t worry he gets the rose. And don’t worry, the super awkward composer dude is here to sing his one song as they awkwardly dance.

BUT NEVERMIND ABOUT THAT THE AMBULANCE IS HERE.  So last night David went to the hospital and went to intensive care. He literally fell out of bed and onto his face. THIS IS GOLD. Becca calls to confirm he isn’t dead, just stupid.

Time for the group date, it’s #sportsball themed! Let’s play football. Good thing Clay was a football dude. They literally do drills. Like literally running and exercise stuff. Just another reason to not understand #sports.  Omg but Clay got injured while showing that he is a real football dude and has to go to the hospital (notice how he is going to the hospital not because he fell out of bed onto his face *cough cough David*)

During the second part of the date Garrett is adorbs and his internet history still sucks (WHYYY) and Becca makes out with a lotttttta guys. Clay comes back and he has a sling and a sense of humor because he got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette. Becca is definitely into slings and Clay gets the rose (yay!).

Time for the cocktail party, we learn that Clay’s doctor says that he needs to go get surgery to fix his wrist. And he has to go do that now. Noooooooooooooooooo. NOoooooooooooo not Clay. 😦

And we have the first cliffhanger of the season BECAUSE OF COURSE WE DO. But David and his broken face are back so that should be fun.



The Bachelorette S14 E3: Let’s not get injured

The Bachelorette S14 E2: Throwing pictures in pools

Let’s do this! (Woo!)

The very first date of the season is a group date and these dudes get to go on it:

Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc (did I miss when he explained his baller name?!), Connor, Lincoln, Jordan

The first date starts with some pampering, and Becca in a floor length white dress. There are tuxes for the men, and they have to change into them, so we get to see the abs. And then Rachel and Bryan are there, I’m so confused by this sequence of events. And it gets weirder, there is an obstacle course for them to go through.

So the obstacles involve a bunch of ridiculous items, but there might be some ridiculous cheating going on. One item involves being a barrel of water for a timer’s length of time and Lincoln’s timer appears to go a little faster, he then uses his hands to eat the mouth only cake (but so does everyone else) and he might have nudged the other dude out of the way to get into first place. Hmmm Lincoln, this isn’t how you make friends.

But Lincoln does know some moves, he gets a picture of their “Wedding” from winning the obstacle course and then goes in for a make out session.

The dudes are like really salty about this picture.

Blake gets the first one-on-one! Yay for Blake. No idea who he is. His name thing says he’s a Sales Rep, which is kind of a job.

Lincoln then gives everyone a reason to be salty by walking around with the picture and kissing it. But then one dude, Conner, decides to take the picture and frisbee it into the pool. Like why. WHY?!

Jean Blanc with his ridiculous name has some ridiculous lines about Becca having really great lips. *eyeroll*

Lincoln goes to tell Becca that Connor is a giant ass and threw his picture in the pool. And yeah Lincoln is being annoying but Conner is a giant ass.

Becca talks to Connor about it and he insists he was just “getting rid” of the picture, and that it truly wasn’t him that did that. Then who was it?!

Jean Blanc and his smooth words and lips gets the first group date rose. Good for you!

Blake and Becca’s date is planned by Chris Harrison. And it’s a bunch of stuff from Becca and Arie’s relationship, including the couch he broke up with her on. And Lil Jon is there. I have no idea. They smash a lot of stuff.

During the second part of the date we learn that this one time Blake read his ex-girlfriend’s texts from her friends asking if she had broken up with him yet. We are stretching for sob stories this season already.

Garrett, Ricky, John, Brian, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton get to go on the second group date.

Blake was one of the live tv dudes, he showed up on the horse, and then showed up for the actual premiere on an ox. And he and his animal friends get the rose. Becca is really feeling it.

The group date is #sports! But not just any #sports. It’s dodgeball! The one team totally cheats by hiding behind Becca. But the one dude doesn’t care and pegs her anyway.  So because this is The Bachelorette they have to go play dodgeball officially in front of a crowd. The pink team sucks except for stuntman Leo, whose name I know because it reflects his mane of hair. #leothelion #teamLeo

Becca makes out with some of the guys. Does some inane talking. But Colton is really nervous and has to tell her that he dated Tia before. Tia- the knock-off Raven. Colton goes right for it and tells Becca. Becca is unsure which does make sense because Tia is her friend and that’s awkward.

Wills gets the rose, probably because there is an extraneous S in his name.

Becca is a little down because of the stupid men on her group dates being stupid. But it’s time for the cocktail party so she’s going to do the damn thing.

Jason is bored (and so are we) so he decides to go to the party in just his underwear. For some reason no one understands that underwear is not the same thing as naked. So everyone is very upset by the nudity…except Jason is wearing clothes. Because these men love calling each other out and throwing pictures in pools, this one guy tells Jason he’s being disrespectful. But Jason doesn’t care, he’s a model.

Time for roses!

Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor (he throws pictures into pools, booo), #Leothelion, David, Aaron (?), Nick, Ryan, ?, Jordan (the male model), Lincoln, and the final rose goes toooooooo Colton.

So three dudes go home- including Alex who tears up a little, awwww poor Alex. It’s a little early for that.

Next week! There’s a marching band and some football #sports. And some former Bachelor ladies are here, including Tia. And we start calling out our favorite things, “right reasons!”

The Bachelorette S14 E2: Throwing pictures in pools

The Bachelorette S14 E1: Let’s do the thing

Remember that one time Arie was a giant ass mess of disaster and douche bag of a season of The Bachelor??! Well we’re here to make it right by making Becca the next bachelorette and she is ready to find some non-asshole themed love.

So let’s do the darn thing!

We get a recap of that one time Arie broke up with Becca on live tv, because that was great to relive. Poor Becca, but she’s over it now and ready for some men to fall over her and fight for her attention.

Becca gets some advice from arguably the most kickass bachelorettes of the past- Rachel, Jojo, and Kaitlyn. The rose was obviously flowing as they give her some actually good advice so now she is ready to go get some men. Rachel also burns the most giant, phallic piece of sage ever to cleanse the mansion of the stupid-ass Arie juju, which I definitely appreciate.

We get some fun profiles, including the former pro football player who now has a charity and a super cute dog, so I’m down for that. And a guy from Chicago named Joe that owns a grocery store.

Chris Harrison welcomes Becca and it’s time to meet the men.

Our super fun welcome gags include:

a chicken, a hearse, an oxen, a gospel choir, oh and a cut out Arie.

Becca met some of this men live, on the super awkward After the Final Rose special, so it would seem they might have a leg up, but this is The Bachelorette and really only based on superficial assumptions.

For some superficial assumptions of the first cocktail party:

some dude is wearing gym shoes who literally dunks over Becca, a chicken that clucks, and some kind of actual conversations.

But omg you guys Chase has a marketing firm and he may not be here…FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. So Chase’s ex-girlfriend texts Chris R. that Chase isn’t there for the right reasons. Not only is this convoluted, it’s so drama filled. Chase only hung out with that girl for like a month. So Chase has to head this thing off and tell Becca it directly. Chase, she doesn’t even know your name yet, you’re getting ahead of yourself. He’s #notthatguy. But I feel like he is, because he goes to get Chris R. so they can all explain it together. Yup. Just even more confusing.

So Becca is now on the theme of here for the wrong reasons and decides to talk to this “Jake” who is also from “Minnesota” and has met Becca before but never expressed an interest. Jake affirms that he is totally here for “the right reasons,” but Becca isn’t here for that and is sending his ass home right now. Dayummmm girl, she is not messing around. Jake counters with the fact he has had a “very transformative year” and is a different person from that one time they met a Christmas party.  Buh bye Jake.

Becca is not messing around. We learn that she is def not a Harry Potter fan, it’s “Expecto PatroNUM” not PatroNUS.

Becca grabs Garrett and the first impression at the same time. They laughed they had a great time, he gets the rose. AWW. He did pull up in a minivan. But no aww because the internet always knows and he supposedly has some sketchy instagram activity in his past, this is why we can’t have nice things.

Time for the first rose ceremony of the season. LET’S GOOOO.

Because we obviously don’t know anyone’s names right now, let’s just stereotype them all by their outfits and looks for who gets the roses.

Some dude, some other dude in a red jacket, some other dude, other dude, a dude named Clay, Will(s), Conner, Jason, other dudes, Alex, Nick, Trent (omg such a white dude name), Colton (omg it gets even whiter), David (he’s in a chicken suit), Jordan (he’s a male model), Leo the lion (he’s a stuntman), Mike (he has a man bun), andddddddddddddddddd Chris R. Thank goodness those texts he got from that one dude’s ex-fling didn’t mess up his chances for true love.

Dudes going home include dude with the text messages, some other dude, greasy hair dude, the social media participant Kamil, Joe the dude from Chicago.

On this season of The Bachelorette……

There are a lot of bow ties, Becca wears super cute outfits, there are sports themed dates, people are in love, and of course there is lots of crying. Lincoln is not an honest Abe. Jordan is a male model #professionality. Colton is a “virgin” and a bitch. I AM HERE FOR THIS. Someone goes out in an ambulance. YASSSSSSSSSss.


The Bachelorette S14 E1: Let’s do the thing