Bachelor in Paradise: S4 E9: GRAND FINALE

That’s right, true love is in the making on Bachelor in Paradise! Let’s see how this ends for our couples!

It’s the final day in paradise, which means the couples have to decide if they want to persue these relationships outside of the show. As in no cameras. As in not getting paid to do this. So it’s a real conversation to have. If they do want to try, they get a date with a fantasy suite card.

Lacey and Daniel are first to make the plunge- their motives are definitely more fantasy suite themed.

Derek and Taylor are a no brainer for the date.

Then there’s Christen and Jack Stone. Christen is a virgin but she’s no dummy. she knows what a fantasy suite means. And she isn’t signing up for that, because she’s more of an acquaintance with Jack, you know, because they’ve known each other for 4 days. Jack doesn’t understand how Christen isn’t ready to go live their magical life together. So the serial finger and Scallop Fingers are the first couple to bite the dust.

Everyone acts like this is the most extreme decision ever that they definitely could never change in a week after they’re out of paradise.

Tickle and the Strangler are the next couple to split. Boi bye.

Adam and Raven are a little hesitant, but are going to keep going forward. It’s like a rational way to think about these things.

Diggy can’t wait to see what goes down with Dean and D-Lo, me too, me too. D-Lo is definitely down for the relationship to continue. But let’s remember the other half of this relationship. Dean. Dean who sucks. REALLY REALLY SUCKS. He lets D-Lo know that he loves Kristina, and wants to walk away from paradise separately. Welp, Dean is at least consistent with being a giant douchebag. So let’s just never see or talk about him again.

Diggy and Dominique are up next! And they’re going to go home separately. Impressed by the amount of couples not forcing relationships upon themselves. Oh wait, Diggy isn’t going home with Dominique because Jaimi is here. And that’s who he is picking. But Jaimi isn’t picking him.  So all three of them get to go home alone.

Time for Robby and Amanda. Remember when he threw glowsticks in the pool for her? That’s how you know it’s real. Amanda isn’t really sure though, because remember last year when this exact same thing happened with her and douchebag Josh, and that obviously ended really well. Amanda seems really close into falling back into her old, broken patterns, but she rallies and says no to Robby. YAY!

We have our final three: Derek and Taylor, Adam and Raven, and Lacey and Daniel. I can only guess which of these ends up in an engagement. (Oh wait, I totally know).

Lacey and Daniel are up first, they are on the same page, they want to change their facebook status to “in a relationship.” This is a big step. They obviously take advantage of the fantasy suite.

Derek and Taylor are continuing on their incredibly boring and blah relationship. Still don’t know how Derek stands having to listen to Taylor’s voice all the time.

Adam and Raven use their time to make out and have a deeper connection. But Raven doesn’t want to be vulnerable, bets say she’s going into that suite.

Because we can’t have anything nice, we get a “live” finale with Chris Harrison and the cast. And Corinne. Because let’s talk about this some more. Corinne would love to see DeMario, as if she had a choice. DeMario’s therapist has been his “homie” throughout this process, I can only hope it’s not Taylor. The air has been cleared, we can hopefully move on from this.

But we can’t move back to the actual show. We get to discuss Scallop Fingers because that’s everyone’s top priority. Kristina gets to talk about how much D-Lo sucks, Dean butts in to say it’s all his fault. Which it is, but we’re not falling for your crap Dean.

Dean gets to be in the hot seat, and boy does he like nauseous, maybe because he’s stupid. Kristina is not stupid, and great, and will always have a special place in her heart for him. D-Lo has some info, after they left Dean called her. OH SNAP DEAN. You still suck. He says sorry, don’t believe it, don’t care. Go home Dean.

Amanda and Robby are next. We learn that Amanda ate avocado toast every morning. So they left paradise and were dating, and now they are not dating. The twins say he cheated on her, and Robby disagrees. Amanda calls him out and boy is Robby guilty. But it’s fine because she’s smart enough to not be with him, and can eat pizza again.

It’s finally time to address the final 3 couples. I wonder which ones are still together?!

Daniel and Lacey go first, from the fact that Lacey just came out alone, I’m thinking it didn’t end well. (GASP). Lacey and Daniel were actually friends before the show, I feel so lied to. The past tense Lacey is using, isn’t boding very well. In the fantasy suite Daniel confessed that he wasn’t actually in love. We get to see the actual morning after and it is not pretty. Daniel admits that he was never going to change his facebook status! OMG! He does have a valid reason, that he wasn’t sure if they were going to be a couple after 5 days. But after the show Daniel went to New York to hang out with Lacey, but in reality to hang out with Vinny. So we are 0 for 1 on our first couple.

Adam and Raven come on stage together, I’m hazarding a guess this worked out well. They are totally ready to make it facebook official. They even say the “L” word to each other. AWWWWWWWW. Chris Harrison is just so freaking happy that his show isn’t a total disaster. Raven is going to meet Adam’s family next week, Adam gets to meet Raven’s family right now. Because why not?

It’s time for the last couple- Derek and Taylor! Their love story is so boring no one really cares. Especially with the very thinly veiled innuendos because Taylor got to “take in a lot of Derek” NOPE NOPE NOPE.  Okay fineeeeeee. I’m a sucker for a proposal. And we all knew it would be them. But this is genuine and cute and AWWWWWWWWWW. And there’s even a Neil Lane diamond.

Well there you go, you can find love on Bachelor in Paradise.

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Bachelor in Paradise: S4 E9: GRAND FINALE

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E8: Twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster walk into paradise…

On tonight’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise!

Dominique is very good at recapping couples:

Derek and Taylor

Amanda and Robby

Jack and Christen

Raven and Adam

Daniel and Lacey

then herself and Diggy.

Yay recaps! But here’s Jaimi! Her fun fact is she’s bisexual. So she could go on a date with a woman or a man! But let’s be real, this is Bachelor in Paradise, it’s not that progressive. She’s going to take a man. She asks Diggy. But like Dominique was vibing with Diggy so now she’s sad.

Jaimi and Diggy get to get some tacos. They kiss.

Now that Kristina is gone, D-Lo and Dean can be shallow together. Oh wait, here come the twins- Emily and Haley. And Emily has her eye on Dean. The other one has her eye on Derek. They have one date card and a double date.

Amanda gives the twins the low down on #Scallopfingers, Penguin Matt, Deanie baby, Tickle Monster, the entire gang. Hayley was going to ask out Derek, but he’s taken. So she decides to slum it with serial killer Jack Stone. Emily is not put off by Dean and D-Lo. Dean obviously says no to Emily. Emily doesn’t want to take no for an answer. Dean at least is aware enough that he should not go on this date because it would be crapping on both D-Lo and Kristina. Dean does stand strong for once and says no. So Emily goes to ask D-Lo about it. D-Lo says it is Dean’s decision. Dean still says no.

Emily decides to slum it with Tickle Monster. So some twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster are going to go on a date. Or not…

So like Derek and Taylor are in love. Can we regulate them back to the background because we already know this and don’t need to watch them be all love-y dove-y.

So Jack Stone the serial killer decides to bail on the twins. He wants to spend some more time with Christen. The twins are NOT HAPPY. They are livid. They are mad. They cannot name any more synonyms. Hayley only pity invited him. So they’re peacing out. Literally. They throw some scallops off of a balcony.

Jack Stone thinks he’ll maybe marry Christen one day. Because paradise is ending and now everyone has to have this conversation. Dean and D-Lo can be horrible together. Amanda and Robby can be annoying. And Derek and Taylor established their love connection forever ago. Adam thinks he could be in love with Raven.

It’s Chris Harrison! In the daylight! He calls everyone over to the palapa to tell them that it is the last day in paradise. So everybody better propose real fast! There are fantasy suites happening and relationships happening. And an engagement damnit!

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E8: Twins, a serial killer, and a tickle monster walk into paradise…

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E7: Zeus the dog <3 #truedat

Let’s get a couple recap from Dominique/me for Bachelor in Paradise!

Derek and Taylor (just need to go home and be married already)

Raven and Adam (ew Raven do better)

Robby and Amanda (I gave up hope on Amanda a long time ago)

Daniel and Lacey (weird together)

Dean, D-Lo, and Kristina (KRISTINA IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU DEAN – GO HOME DEAN)

Dean sucks. He was getting friendly with D-Lo last night and because there really aren’t that many places to go in paradise Kristina saw. Dean is just so stupid. He sort of apologizes but only because she saw.  He didn’t “plan” to make out with D-Lo in front of Kristina. Kristina isn’t going to wait around because Dean is not worth her time.

Jasmine doesn’t know who she is going to give her rose to. She is contemplating going after the Tickle Monster, because he’s good with his hands. So she attacks him with her face in the pool and makes out with him.

So this dude is here. He really hates Whaboom. I really have no idea what his name is. His name is Blake! Thank goodness that the producers let us know. He is like really sweaty. He asks the “bros from his season” to have a “manchat.” He’s going to put Whaboom behind him, by talking about it every five seconds. D-Lo flat out says that if he asked her that she would say no. But really, Blake stop talking about Whaboom. He also just called Kristina his not first choice. Five million strikes and you are out Blake.

Blake asks Kristina out. Poor Kristina. She says no because she has to figure things out. Which is true. Also it’s Blake. So like she doesn’t want that.

Oh wait and we have Fred! Camp Fred! He went to camp with Rachel and was a bad camper. Fred also has a date card and is going on a double date with Blake! Fred is taking Dominique on his part of the double date. Blake is still trying to find anyone. He goes for scallop fingers Christen next. Blake is just horribly awkward. Someone needs to take one for the team and go on the date. And thankfully #scallopfingers has a very low bar and says yes. Jack Stone really likes Christen and is scared that she’ll like Blake better. Blake sucks, don’t worry Jack.

The word on the street is that Jack isn’t a very good kisser. So it’s up to the ladies to help him. Jasmine kisses Jack (after some shots), and concludes Jack is a great kisser. D-Lo needs confirmation and verifies. So does pretty much everyone else. So now we know, Jack Stone is a good kisser.

Time to check in on the most awkward double date of all time. They’re on a super speed boat, which is good because no one can really talk. It’s bad for Scallops because she’s getting a little seasick. She then almost loses her contact after ziplining. It’s a pretty horrible date for her, but mostly because it’s with Blake.

Omg it’s Chris Harrison. What is he doing here not during a rose ceremony?! He lets the guys know that there aren’t any more men showing up this week, and there’s another date card for someone. Andddd the rose ceremony is tonight. The date card goes to Robby. Who takes Amanda.

Their date is at a carnival that includes Robby bashing a pinata open. Robby like really likes kids and Amanda has kids. Just look at him watch those children fight over the candy! So fatherly!

Time for the cocktail party. Ben Z is sad. His dog is at home. He is not at home. He needs to go home to his dog. Except like Ben was the best guy on paradise. But he gets to see his dog Zeus which will make him happy. But I’m sad.

Diggy tries to get a rose from Dom by playing a fun get-to-know you game. It’s cute. He’s cute.

So Christen is in a love square with herself, Jack Stone, Tickle Monster, and Blake. In the meantime Wells explains #scallopfingers. Christen doesn’t really get it. I’m not surprised. Daniel reveals he’s the next Dr. Suess and says Christen would eat them on a mat, with a cat, #truedat.

Blake decides the way to #scallopfingers’ heart is with actual scallops. He asks if she likes assertive men and then starts to kiss her. Tickle Monster then interrupts. His vote for who gets the rose is for himself. Now it’s Jack’s turn. She should probably pick Jack. We’ve confirmed he’s a good kisser. And he’s at least slightly normal. What a low bar we have here in paradise.

Time to get back to stupid Dean drama. D-Lo wants to know if he would accept Kristina’s rose, because if he does, then she’ll back off. Dean makes a decision and is going to pick D-Lo over Kristina. So now he has to tell Kristina. She is not happy because Dean is an idiot.

Kristina goes to talk to Raven. And is having none of Raven defending D-Lo. D-Lo was a part of this too Raven. So sorry honey, Kristina is right, and you’re wrong.

Wells remains the best person ever on this show and asks Kristina why she is fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for her. YAY FOR WELLS.

This is happening. We are getting a rose ceremony at the end of an episode just like it should be scheduled. YASSsssss

Lacey and Daniel

Taylor and Derek- fun fact, only a week and a half left of paradise! Everybody better fall in love quickly

Amanda and Robby

Raven and Adam

Dominique and Diggy

Jasmine and Tickle Monster- she wants to “tickle his pickle” – I want to never have heard that

Christen and Jack Stone

Kristina wants to be valued and respected and put first. So she’s not giving out her rose. Because no one on this island can give her those things. So she’s going home. Kristina is too good for paradise. Dean walks her out and Dean still sucks.

D-Lo gives her rose to Dean. Even though he just whispered that she was going to quit. D-Lo you can do better than crappy ass Dean.

So Fred and Blake get to go home after being in paradise for like 10 hours.

All the couples are love-y dove-y (ick).

Tomorrow on Bachelor in Paradise!

Jaime shows up but more importantly the twins are here. Double the trouble and drama!

 

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E7: Zeus the dog <3 #truedat

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E6: Hide from the Tickle Monster

Maybe, if we wish real hard, we’ll get a rose ceremony on this episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

It’s Daniel! He’s Canadian! He has a rose to give out, and there’s a lot of ladies looking for a rose to get. Lacey is very very very excited he is here. Daniel calls her and the other unattached ladies “scraps.” The other ladies being Christen and Jasmine.

We are getting a rose ceremony! I didn’t believe it!

Daniel goes first and gives Lacey his rose (I guess she isn’t total scraps)

Jack Stone and Christen #scallopfingers

Ah! It’s Matt! He came back! He didn’t run away as fast as humanly possible. He gives the rose to Jasmine, so now she doesn’t have to go home. Jasmine is having none of it, except for the rose part.

Derek and Taylor- don’t worry their back to being the boring make out couple of paradise

Robby and Amanda

Diggy and Dominique

Adam and Raven- because duh, Raven is the best, and too good for him

Dean and Kristina

Ben Z and D-Lo- because some producer told him to do that so we could get continued Dean being an idiot.

So Sarah and Alexis (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) are going home.

Dean and Kristina’s relationship really is strong as they play Truth or Dare and Kristina dares Dean to get a boner and he fails.

Paradise is under attack!!! By luchadores! Or as #scallopfingers calls them, sumo wrestlers. It’s a date card for Daniel! And Lacey is really excited. Except Daniel isn’t ready to commit just yet. Lacey doesn’t understand how he isn’t immediately asking her, because she’s ready for a long term relationship. He talks to the ladies but does settle for Lacey.

There’s a new arrival in paradise- Jonathan the tickle monster. Since there really aren’t many other options the ladies have to pretend they’re super excited and interested in him. He goes to talk to Christen and they like kiss within the first 5 minutes. I don’t even know where that came from?! She gets both the date and the tickle.

Daniel and Lacey get a wrestling themed date with some “actual wrestling” and some very shiny outfits. And fringe pants.

So Dean can’t decide between Kristina and D-Lo. In his own words: “Kristina is super smart and deep. D-Lo is really hot.” He wants to keep his options open. And Kristina doesn’t want to be anyone’s option, because she’s really freaking great and Dean sucks.

“Tickle” as we are now calling him and Christen go on their date. They discuss doctoring and babies and board shorts and Superman.

Daniel and Lacey get back from their date and are feeling each other and going to make out and Jasmine interrupts. Jasmine, what are you doing?

Christen and Tickle get back and Jack Stone wants to know how it went. Because Jack Stone wants Christen’s rose. And he makes out with Christen.

So we learn that Kristina and Dean definitely had sex in paradise and then like 3 minutes later Dean and D-Lo are playing around in the pool. Kristina is done with Dean and I agree. Screw him, he sucks. She even says the orphanage is better than paradise. The orphanage in Russia where she ate lipstick to survive.

Well, until next week!

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E6: Hide from the Tickle Monster

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E5: Scallop fingers and Glow Sticks

Time to get back to paradise, Bachelor in Paradise!

We start the episode out by feeding a blindfolded Jack Stone various items. Including a dead, stinky crab. Well they attempt to put the crab in his mouth. Jack Stone proves to not be a total idiot and refuses. Good job Jack.

As Wells points out, Jasmine seems nice and funny. She also seems intense. And strangle-y. This definitely isn’t a premonition for what is going to go down.

Christen is here! I guess she’s a virgin. Jasmine is worried that she is going to take Matt on a date. As she says, no one likes a virgin pina colada. Matt, although, might be on board. Sometimes you need to detox. Christen picks Matt. Matt says yes.

Jasmine is nottttttt happy. She’s not like worried because it’s Christen. Yeah, but actions speak a little louder than words. Except Jasmine wants to add some words to her actions. Christen says she felt that Matt and her had the best connection. Jasmine says it’s fine (it’s not fine) and that she can go run off and be in love together forever. Jasmine really means she wants to choke the “slimy snake.”

Matt and Christen get to go on their date. Which starts with eating chocolate covered bananas. These producers do love a virgin.

So on Nick’s season Christen and Alexis and 6 other people were in a car and Christen had a purse full of scallops…? And ate them? And it smelled. And she smacked Alexis with her scallop fingers giving Alexis scallop shoulder. #scallopfingers

Matt and Christen’s date continues as they try on bathing suits. And then get to drink at a bar. And make out. So that’s not going to end well with Jasmine.

Jasmine is readying herself to go in for the kill.

So Christen/scallop fingers orders some shrimp. And carries around the shrimp. So maybe seafood fingers is a more apt name. Jasmine asks Jack Stone for some advice on how to deal with the situation of Christen/Matt. Jack should probably just run away and hide. Jasmine has a crazy look in her eye but does not end up strangling Matt…yet.

Robby decides to get romantic by cracking a million glow sticks and throwing them in the pool to have a date with Amanda. Amanda thinks Robby (and his glow stick cracking skills) are really nice but isn’t sure she’s feeling it in a romantic way. Maybe because Robby sucks.

So both Sarah and Raven went on dates with Adam. And Sarah wants to know if Adam is feeling it because he needs to decide (WHY IS ADAM IN A LOVE TRIANGLE?!).

Our other love triangle with Dean, Kristina, and DLo. Which at least makes slightly more sense. Dean just doesn’t want to commit because he’s being stupid.

Paradise isn’t perfect, so let’s have some more drama. Taylor and Derek are the “strongest couple.” They were sitting on the giant pillows and Derek sarcastically says “F*** you.” And Taylor flips the f*** out. She doesn’t like the language he is using, which is a valid point. But she doesn’t need to be this outraged. She tells Dominique that her emotional piggy bank is drained. How do you drain an emotional piggy bank? Shouldn’t you just shake it until the coins come out and then smash it?

It’s time for a cocktail party, which means we maybe might get a rose ceremony. All these threesomes need to establish who is going to win the rose, because time is running out. Raven starts by talking to Adam. Adam responds by kissing her. So it seems like she is ahead in the race of Raven vs. Sarah.

But Sarah swoops in to steal Adam away. She wants a real boyfriend, not just a paradise boyfriend (she also wants a rose).  She also gets a kiss.

Moving on to the next love triangle! Diggy, Lacey, and Dominique. Lacey is disappointed and tells Diggy and doesn’t really let Diggy get a word in edge wise. So there goes her rose.

The next love triangle is Dean, Kristina, and DLo. Dean lets Kristina that he considers her feelings before he makes any decisions. Yeahhhh, bullsh*t. He then talks to D-Lo anddddddddd kisses her.

Robby is still trying really hard to get out of the friendzone. He tries by bringing Amanda some hotel slippers. Oh Robby. She just isn’t feeling it. But Robby doesn’t give up and finally gets his kiss. Ick.

Taylor and Derek are trying to work out their giant fight about Derek using the F word. Taylor doesn’t want to be his therapist. Well no, Taylor, you shouldn’t do that. Derek is a genuinely nice human being and apologizes. Yeah, he’s too good for her.

Let’s address the last love triangle (Thank god there aren’t any more). Matt, Christen, and Jasmine! Matt is scared of Jasmine and can’t guarantee that he can give Christen his rose. Jasmine just wants Matt to relax, because he’s the high strung one in this situation. Matt would rather just go home. So he leaves.

A very good move because now he is far away from Jasmine. And Christen who is now crying. As Wells points out, only serial killer Jack Stone is left with his unclaimed rose. So now it’s time for Jasmine to redirect her choking hands towards his neck but she knows she’s not getting the rose. Christen tries too, staring with a line about her virginity. And ending with a make out session.

Chris Harrison brings in a new person before the rose ceremony because they need actual contestants in order for there to be a show. And it is…….CANADIAN DANIEL!

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E5: Scallop fingers and Glow Sticks

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E4: Digging Diggy

And we’re back with Bachelor in Paradise!

We left off with Kristina being sad about Dean being an asshole. Matt comforts her and Jack Stone wonders who would give her a rose.

Sarah shows up next. She and Raven met Adam during the break in Dallas, and Sarah and Adam were cuddling? She wants to go out with Adam. But all the ladies are pushing Ben. Sarah tries to talk to Ben, he talks about his dog. At least he’s consistent…? She goes with Adam. He says yes.

They get to drink some giant margaritas. Adam and Sarah learn they both jump into relationships too fast, hmmm, it’s almost like they think they’ll find love on a tv show within 6 weeks.

Danielle is like totally into Wells. They make a cute pact to get married in five years if they are still single. Or they could get married now.

There are currently 8 guys and 11 girls so three ladies are going home. I really hope no one else shows up.

Lacey gets the next date card, which is from Jorge. She should probably just go on the date with Jorge. She wants to get out of the friendzone. Except most of the guys prefer the friendzone with her. She picks Diggy and he says yes! More importantly, Jorge planned their date! #jorgestorges. Jorge leads them to a beautiful beach with a beautiful beach…where he was conceived. Diggy and Lacey get some alone time so they can make out.

Danielle is not feeling paradise. She is feeling Wells. Oh and she can go work in Africa, go take that job honey. Get off this horrible beach.

Dominique is here…? She’s from Nick’s season…? Okay. She is digging Diggy. But Lacey is also digging Diggy. Taylor is Dominique’s friend (I guess one person knows who she is) and tells her to pick Diggy. She picks Diggy. Lacey is really sad. So Taylor decides to talk to her about it, that seems like a bad idea.

Diggy and Dominique get to have a romantic dinner of…sushi? Mexico is totally known for its sushi. They feed each other some chocolate covered strawberries. Diggy uses the line “I want to know what that strawberry just experienced,” and lost five million points in my book.

Danielle is leaving because she’s too good for this show. She is literally going to go help children in Africa. Wells gives her a goodbye kiss! AHHHH

We’ll have to wait until the season finale to get an update on their relationship. I believe!!!

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E4: Digging Diggy

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S ALL OVER NOW.

Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.

To remind you- we have the top three.

Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.

Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.

And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.

Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.

More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.

And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.

But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.

They wake up happy. Ugh.

Now time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs

Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.

Back to the actual show.

Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?

Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up.  They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!

Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.

Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.

FREAKING BRYAN. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦

Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.

Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.

So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.

And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.

And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH