The Bachelor: E8: Going home to Momma

Meeting the parents for your true love should be a truly special moment…meeting the over protective parents of one of your 4 true loves….not so much.

So let’s see how this goes!

Amanda is up first- okay, she’s worn this shirt before because I remember thinking it’s not a real shirt, it’s just a piece of black fabric. Amanda’s children loved to be chased. Ben meets Amanda’s children, they are cute, I’ll give you that. They are wearing some intense gladiator sandals, I want a pair.

The question, is “Ben ready to be an instant dad?” But somehow we can’t tell after talking to him for 2 minutes.

Ben had lots of fun with the streamers, they did look fun. And that’s like the end of the date, I guess we have 3 more to do so let’s move along!

Lauren B is next and I guess no one told her that her opening shot included half of her bra. Come on producers, you can do better. Lauren B is in love with Ben, but hasn’t told him. Also I’m going to stop saying the B in Lauren B, she is the head Lauren in charge and the only one left.

OMG they eat some sort of bread filled with cheese and butter and egg and I WANT IT

Lauren whips out her trump card and takes Ben to a whiskey library. She also lets her know, she could sit silently in a room with Ben and be super happy…honey, you can have higher goals in life, at least aim for some boring small talk.

Ben meets Lauren’s family which includes an 18 year old dog named Tessa.  Molly is skeptical and also really good at naming all of Lauren’s qualities, pointing out that Lauren could get any man if she wanted. Ben responds with he can’t describe Lauren and cries, which makes Molly cries, and obviously wins her over. #brilliantmove

Now we have to count the amount of times Ben says “when I get down on one knee it’s real”- how many hostile parents and siblings get to hear this?

Awwww Lauren’s dad doesn’t want his baby LoLo hurt. LoLo and JoJo in the same season! LoLo decides to not tell Ben she loves him…risky move

Time for Caila’s hometown in Ohio, but we all know Caila isn’t a real person because she doesn’t have a real hometown

Caila used to creepily watch couples on a random ass bench and then make Ben sit with her on it. I mean, it’s a fine bench, but nothing special

Caila’s dad is a CEO of a toy company and they make a house together…by coloring it? Oh wait, they get to build one too. I hope it’s not an Ikea house because this show isn’t long enough for that

Side note- I feel like everyone slacked on their outfits. Amanda in her black piece of fabric, Lauren wore a flannel shirt around her waist, and Caila is in some weird hi-lo turtleneck sweater.

Ben gets to eat some kick ass food made by Caila’s mom. We get more concerned family members, everyone’s family is like super rational and the correct amount of skeptical- it just gets old when you have to watch the same thing 4 different times.

Caila’s mom says to just freaking go for it and tell Ben she loves him…but she chokes

JoJo’s turn! She got the bad outfit memo.

JoJo got a letter…FROM CHAD. Who the hell is Chad you ask? JoJo’s ex, duhhhh. She calls Chad because why not. Let’s make sure we perfectly time knocking on the door while JoJo is crying. JoJo has to clarify that her ex is in the past. So I guess that’s part one of their date, which sucks, because now it’s time to meet JoJo’s family. Which we know won’t go well because of all the trailers we’ve been hit on the head with

JoJo’s brothers wait 0 seconds before being extremely obnoxious. Let’s have some dramatic music while both of them stare at Ben.

All the moms in this episode giving great advice. Nice job moms

Ben says words to JoJo’s dad, they’re just words. Then JoJo’s brothers tell her to be more guarded. One of them calls Ben out for brainwashing JoJo and the girls. I think they said “as a brother” about five million times. The brothers don’t understand how JoJo can love Ben after only two dates, but they sure can hate Ben after 2 minutes

Rose Ceremony timeeeeeeeee

So it’s short dress day, why not?

Music stops just in time so we can hear Ben breathing very heavily while walking into the room

Roses: Lauren, then Caila, then JoJo

So goodbye to Amanda. Ben walks her out to a bench, not the same bench that he sat on with Caila

Amanda is very composed and handles herself very well, I would be down for Amanda as the next bachelorette

Ben starts to cry, aww, poor Ben

Next week:

FANTASYYYYYYYY SUITTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS

And errbody is getting it on

And then Ben goes hella rouge and tells two different girls he loves them!!

The Bachelor: E8: Going home to Momma

The Bachelor E7: Indiana is totally cool

Totallllyyy thought last week was episode 7, but I guess it wasn’t because this is episode 7

 

You know, it’s really hard to top swimming with pigs in the Bahamas…so they didn’t even try. So time to go to Indiana. In Indiana there are diners. Ben is a little sad coming from the Bahamas to Warsaw….can’t believe why he would be feeling that.

So let’s have, in Ben’s own words, a recap of who is left:

Becca, this one time she was on another season and now she’s back. And this other time she wasn’t super nice to me

JoJo- Ben is himself around her…and that’s it

Emily- she’s a twin

Lauren- there’s “something about her that stands out” but Ben is too lazy/doesn’t actually know what it is

Caila- is like really pretty and scared of love

Amanda- also pretty, and a mom

And that’s it!

Everyone wants to move to Indiana and start popping out babies…except he doesn’t live there, but I don’t think any of them know that, because that would require an actual conversation with Ben.

I think Ben made a joke about his parents having sex, I don’t want to think about it to figure out if he did.

Lauren gets the first one-on-one.

Okay I take back the diss on Indiana, those are some giant ass houses on a nice ass lake. I’ll take it

Lauren and Ben’s date consists of driving around and looking at buildings. They go to the youth center, that has no employee turnover because everyone that worked there when Ben was little is still there. They then force the children to stop playing to look at a strange man and woman. Lauren didn’t feel like Lauren while she was there, she “felt like one of the crowd.” Ben surprises the children with some random college basketball players  #sports

They then practice gender segregation and make all the girls stand in one corner and watch Ben force a small boy to have fun

Ben and Lauren talk about how girl whose name I don’t even remember now, Leah? called out Lauren for being fake but it’s all good now between them. They go to Ben’s favorite dive bar and Lauren tells the camera she’s in love with Ben, which she better be, because there’s only 6 bitches left and you have to start confessing all the feelings now.

Why yes, I did google how far Warsaw is from Chicago, and that’s a 2 hour drive. So I guess JoJo just twiddled her thumbs in the back of the SUV the entire time.

To continue with the #sports Ben and JoJo get to walk around an empty stadium…wow, such fun.

Emily gets the next one-on-one and cries about it

JoJo is scared she’s always loved the other person more. She has like a rough past. She’s going to throw those years out the window…which I don’t really know what that means but whatevs

The group date starts out with two groups of two in two rowboats, because that’s fun. As everyone has said 20 million times, there is a rose on this date. But not only do you get to stay and have a home town next time if you get the rose, but you get an extended part of the date, which seems odd since the rose means Ben likes you, and he has it figured out, while more time would mean he’s still deciding.

Becca is nervous and insecure. Becca is complaining. Becca is annoying.

EVERYONE IS JUST REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THIS DATE AND THE ROSE AND UPCOMING HOMETOWNS. I GET IT

The rose goes to Amanda, so we’ll be seeing some children next week.

Caila has moved a lot, so she like doesn’t have a hometown, which is worrying her. How can anyone be a real person if they don’t have a dive bar and elementary school to show their true love ?!?!

Becca is sad and her feelings are hurt

Ben and Amanda’s date continues to…McDonald’s, maybe Caila and Becca wouldn’t be so jealous if they knew this. And it continues, they aren’t just eating the food, they get to work behind the counter too! None of this is up to food safety codes. Thankfully that’s not the entirety of the date, the rest consists of a carnival put on just for them

Time for Emily’s first actual one-on-one date that doesn’t involve her twin. First thing we learn, she doesn’t know what a swan looks like. Ben takes Emily to meet his parents…which is weird because I’m pretty sure he is going to send her home later. His family also had to hide upstairs while they explored his house first. Emily isn’t very good at words or conversations…at least she knows that….because words are hard. Her life aspirations are to be an NFL cheerleader. Emily says she’s always been very average at everything, but could totally be an above average mom. She likes movies and doesn’t like vegetables.

Ben’s mom starts crying while telling Ben about how she feels about Emily….always a great sign. Ben takes Emily on a bench, and starts talking about her in past tense. And then doesn’t tip toe around the subject “I just don’t see you being my wife” is pretty damn harsh Ben. Emily goes back inside and Ben sails away on his boat. Emily takes it pretty well

Maybe we shouldn’t have cocktail parties outside if everyone has to wear their coats. Everyone does have super cute outerwear. I would be standing there in my puffy ass coat and snow boots.

Ben needs to have some heart to heart with Chris Harrison. And Chris uses the super great advice and says do you not see one of them as your wife.

So there are only three roses, the first goes to Lauren, then JoJo, then Caila.

So Becca once again loses the Bachelor, let’s see if she plays again next season! All Becca wanted was for Ben to not blind side her, and he responds that he didn’t even know until a second ago, so great, well thought out decision making there Ben!

 

Next week:

Families!! Crying children! Overprotective dads! Scary brothers!

 

The Bachelor E7: Indiana is totally cool

The Bachelor E6: And this little piggie goes wee wee all the way to the rose

Just to remind you, last time we ended with an Olivia cliffhanger, she had the group date rose and everyone talked about how horrible she is, so Ben pulls her aside before the rose ceremony.

Ben confronts Olivia, saying the other girls don’t like her. And Olivia does the most rational thing ever, says they are all jealous and too busy doing their hair and painting nails while she reads books. It’s obviously just one huge 5th grade slumber party in that house. Olivia also likes….thinking.

So Olivia does not go home AND TWIN IS NOT HAPPY. TWIN HATES OLIVIA. TWIN SMASHHH

Rose Ceremony:

Jennifer, Small Business Owner, who has had no screen time, doesn’t know who will go home tonight, she thinks it’s her. Imma take a bet and say, yeah girl, you’re going home

Olivia, Amanda, and Lauren H all have roses from before

Roses go to: Caila (cute software sales rep), Lauren B (flight attendant), JoJo (cute, I don’t remember her job), Becca (loser from Chris’ season), Leah (no idea), and Emily (twin)

Jennifer goes home- I’m pretty psychic, I know

They are going to the Bahamas next, it really should be called Bahama-drama based on these sneak peaks. Except I’m already watching the show, so I don’t need to know what is happening in 30 minutes….I’ve committed, not going anywhere

Chris Harrison shows up with an announcement to prove he’s still relevant. He does have a sort of big one- it’s the two-on-one date!  Everyone’s favorite! And based on previews someone is going to get left behind in a dramatic exit.

Caila is the official to get a second one-on-one date….Leah hasn’t had one at all. She’s not happy. It’s kind of hard to hate on Caila though, she appears to be a super genuine and nice.

Leah acts super rational and decides to cry in a bathroom, because it’s not like she got a free trip to the Bahamas. We get some nice editing while Leah cries and says Ben isn’t ready to take the leap with her and then it cuts to Ben and Caila holding hands and jumping into the water off the boat. She also lives ten minutes from Ben and could have met him in a bar…you know, like how people who don’t meet on a reality tv show meet, but we all know that never works anyway.

Ben wants to know Caila better, because she smiles all the time and must have a dark hidden sob story past. So Ben asks the super hard question, like what would Caila do if he was crying. Would she just giggle and smile?!? She tells Ben she doesn’t want to be vulnerable and then Ben decides to push the issue. She says she thinks she loves him, but maybe isn’t ready yet. Maybe because it’s only freaking week 6, she has time.

Group date: Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H, and Leah. Which means the two-on-one is Emily twin and Olivia, so shit is going to go downnnnnnn

Ben is confused by Caila saying she likes him and then saying she will break his heart. She’s a confusing person, but she knows she’s falling in love because she’s understood…yeah, I know for a fact I’m definitely not falling in love with her because I’m hella confused by this conversation. Ben gives her the rose and Caila thinks she confused the crap out of Ben, and I’m going to have to agree.

Leah is still not happy about the group date. Side note: I don’t understand crocheted bikini tops, like can you actually get it wet? The date is obviously swimming with pigs themed. And by swimming I mean squealing and sprinting away from terrifying pigs attempting to eat you. But I mean I get it, I’m just like those pigs when someone dangles food in front of me.  The pig feeding frenzy ends and it just becomes hella awkward. It’s awkward for the women, it’s awkward for Ben, and it’s fucking awkward for me to watch. So please let’s not have any background music and just awkward wave sounds and drag it out, I really appreciate the producers letting us experience the entirety of the experience.

Second sidenote: I look like a dead fish caught in a net that’s my hair when I get out of the water, all of these women look just as beautiful as ever #lifeishard #wherearemybahamapigs

The awkward date continues. Lauren B says they are close to bringing Ben home to her family, uhhh, honey, that’s final 4, you have lots of episodes to go before then. Leah decides to call out Lauren B for being two-faced, which I totally missed how that was happening. Because we all know that Olivia is the queen two-faced bitch. Since this is the second time we’ve had a confrontation like this, let’s compare!

Olivia: Likes books. Thinks

Lauren B: Doesn’t think when she is with Ben

Olivia: Isn’t dealing with other girl’s “bullshit”

Lauren B: cries

Let’s talk about two-faced. Leah volunteers that she would never tell anyone’s name to Ben and single them out. OH SHITTTTTTTTTTt

The group date goes to Amanda, who is not a two-faced bitch, she’s the teen mom. (not actually a teen mom, just a mom mom)

Leah decides to pull a Claire -maybe in hopes of a Juan Pablo ocean tryst- and goes to Ben’s room. And she uses this valuable alone time to further bad mouth Lauren B. And this goes incredibly well because Ben sends her ass home right then. If you are stupid enough to use your stolen alone time to bad mouth someone else, than you should be going home.

DRAMATIC MUSIC. This must mean it’s time for the TWO ON ONE. Olivia is going into this situation with a very positive attitude, which normally doesn’t end well for that person, but we’ll just have to see who will reign supreme in the ultimate showdown.

IN THIS CORNER WE HAVE EMILY IN THE FRINGE BIKINI, ONE HALF OF A TWIN, BLONDE AND FROM LAS VEGAS

IN THE OTHER CORNER, WE HAVE OLIVIA IN THE BOLD CHOICE OF A BLUE ONE PIECE, WITH ONE BIG ASS MOUTH AND HATED BY EVERYONE

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I’m beginning to think that to save on their budget that the Bachelor chose to go to the Bahamas during hurricane season. The date takes place on one windy beach, so the girl that isn’t talking to Ben can’t even sun tan while waiting around. Olivia is very in tune with her body…but is she in tune with her cankles? She tells Ben she loves him- they kiss

Emily takes the strategy of just rambling at Ben. They do not kiss

Ben grabs the rose, and Olivia, and walks off onto the beach….This of course causes Emily to freak out because she thinks Olivia is getting the rose, and Olivia also freaks out because she thinks she is getting the rose…but this is tv people! We need the dramaaaaaa and the Bachelor always delivers. Ben lets her know he can’t give her the rose or reciprocate her feelings. BYE FELICIA. Emily and Ben get on the boat and sail away, leaving Olivia to cry on the island. Classic Bachelor

There’s no cocktail party, and everyone freaks out about it. By everyone I mean JoJo who is crying for some reason I don’t really understand.

Rose time: Becca, JoJo (thank goodness she just bawled about possibly being sent home), and it is down to the LAURENSSSSSSS. Lauren B takes it home. There was definitely a missed opportunity to pause super long before saying the last initial.

Coming up on the rest of the season of the Bachelor:

Everyone cries! No literally- it appears to be that everyone cries at one point. Ben cries at least three times. Amanda rewears the same shirt as before, because I remember thinking it’s not a shirt and just a piece of fabric. Ben talks to Chris Harrison about something that could CHANGE EVERYTHING. He is supposedly in love with 2 women at the same time. Okay, he cries at least 6 times.

Then through the wonders of editing it seems like he whips out his iphone to call the woman he sends home to say he loves her- I’m going to say that’s editing and he’s calling his mom or something.

But anyway: DRAMAAAAAAAAAAA

The Bachelor E6: And this little piggie goes wee wee all the way to the rose

The Bachelor: Episode 5: Me gusta…food

MEXICOOOOOOOOOOOOOO city. It’s like the cultural and actual capital of Mexico

Sorry, I tried to not start out talking about her, but props to sound editing guy in charge of the background music that plays when Olivia talks

Amanda gets the first one-on-one! She’s the single mom, who seems like a very nice person.

It’s 4:20am which is obviously the best time to start a date- 95% sure I would stab Ben with the knife I have hidden under my pillow if he woke me up like that.

Interesting that Jubilee and Olivia have to share a bed-I’d like to see the behind the scenes footage that led to that. Amanda pulls a Britt and is somehow looking beautiful and fully made up when Ben wakes her up

Okay, I’ll give it to them, I’d wake up at 4:20am to go in a hot air balloon. Ben definitely read the wikipedia page on Mexico city before going on this date.  Okayyyyyyyyyyyyy, now that Amanda has had more than 2 minutes of screen time her voice is a little too Minnie-Mouse-like for me

Everyone is jealous of Amanda getting the longest date because hers started so early in the morning- pretty sure I would be asleep by now if I was on that date. Lauren H gets the next one-on-one after the group date is announced. I don’t like her, she was super mean to Jubilee, so I hope her date is stinky.

Amanda shares her actual backstory and actually opens up to Ben. Not fake Bachelor version of opening up. I’m impressed.

Group date! Super weird, people don’t love group dates and dating a man at the same time as 10 other women. Nothing says fun quite like butchering the Spanish language! They “learn” some Spanish and then go to a market to make some food. Everyone has to get in pairs and duh everyone wants to be with Ben. Olivia “claims” him but Jubilee wants to partner with him too. So nice awkwardness ensues and Olivia wins out. Everyone has to get the ingredients…but the recipes are in Spanish, I’m confused how this is a date. Not that wandering through a market trying to find ingredients in a language you don’t speak isn’t super fun or anything.

Ben is no longer the Bachelor….he’s the Spatula-r…

Jubilee and Lauren B win the cooking competition and prove the Mexican saying that a woman who can cook is ready for marriage…so I knew how to cook by 13…

Jubilee is not happy, they’re having like real relationship issues and not riding into the sunset on matching rainbow unicorns. They have a real talk and Ben says he doesn’t see a future with her so he sends her home. So he sends home the most real, deep, honest, not-fake-at-all person. Great job Ben. No offense to the other women, but we’ve got a lot of blonde and brunette bimbos left now.

To continue with his stupid-ass decisions, Ben gives Olivia the rose.

Time for Lauren H’s one on one date. More wikipedia updates- Mexico City is known for its fashion as well. And Lauren and Ben get to be in the fashion show- I guess they were strapped for models. Lauren is blah, she is talking. She is like goofy, carefree, and funny and I’m asleep because this date is so boring. #truthtime #Istoppedpayingattention She got the rose #whyisn’tthisdateoveryet

Thank goodness for the Olivia drama because this was getting boring.

Sidebar- I’m confused by JoJo’s dress, but I like it

jojo.PNGCapture

Back to Olivia drama- she calls Amanda an episode of Teen Mom. Amanda calls her out for it, then Olivia cries. Emily doesn’t have a twin anymore, so she needs a mission. And her mission is to get rid of Olivia. She goes to tell Ben about how much Olivia sucks, and says a very smart thing, if it offends Ben than Ben isn’t the man for her. Good for you Emily twin! Emily sort of enlightens Ben about Olivia

Ben is now worried that Olivia secretly sucks. It’s time for the rose ceremony….OR IS IT

Ben asks to talk to Olivia and then…

CLIFFHANGER

NEXT TIME:

EVERYONE CRIES. SHOCKED FACES. 2 on 1! CAPS LOCK

The Bachelor: Episode 5: Me gusta…food

Musical Interlude: Grease Live

I’ll start by saying I’m a little biased, because I love the movie Grease…then again I did love the movie Sound of Music…then again I didn’t realize they were running from Nazis back when I was 7.

Anyway, I thought Grease Live was fan-freaking-tastic. And no, it wasn’t just because Aaron Tveit’s arms and legs and face and voice. Everything else was pretty fab as well.

It was the perfect mixture of throwback to cater to all the die-hard fans and throwing in bits of something new. Besides Aaron being perfect as Danny, Julianne Hough played the slightly annoying ingenue of Sandy in a perfectly slightly-annoying-ingenue-way while Vanessa Hudgens showed she can own any type of High School musical. The musical numbers themselves were delivered with passion and dancing and fun.

I live tweeted the event so you can check that out. Highlights include the wonderful ensemble of #neckbracegirl and Popcorn man at the fair.

So, for the first time, I’m saying go and actually watch this musical if you missed it live, you won’t regret it.

 

Musical Interlude: Grease Live