The Bachelor Finale: AWW YEAH

Lauren wins!

 

The finale is actually the episode hardest to summarize because all you really want to know is the winner- which is Lauren.

 

It really just goes to show you, statistics work, if you start with 5 Laurens there’s a great chance one of them will win.

But anways- Lauren and JoJo meet Ben’s parents. Ben’s Mom loves everyone, Ben’s dad is a dad.

Lauren’s date was first, the producers really wanted us to doubt their relationship because they get zero background music while on their boat and then on the beach. It does make you wonder, are all of their conversations always this awkward but we just never notice because there’s background music to keep us distracted? Ben leaves and Lauren cries, she doesn’t want to sleep alone tonight.

Then goes JoJo they get a drive through Jamaica where I was 99% sure Ben was going to get them in a fiery car crash causing them to die so he didn’t have to choose in the end. Seriously! He doesn’t even look at the road, which he is driving on the wrong side of because he’s in Jamaica not America! Stop staring at JoJo’s boobs and be an attentive driver! They get to go to a hella nice private lagoon and swim around. JoJo’s bathing suit was definitely cuter than Lauren’s.

Then they go back to the hotel for dinner and JoJo is really worried, so Ben decides to have some secret, private, off camera time…in the bathroom. Which, whatever, you can be private, however I have never heard the mics on the Bachelor work better. I had literally just complained about not being able to hear them at the lagoon because of the waterfall being picked up in the background and all of a sudden they are crouched on the bathroom floor and I can hear everything.

JoJo asks Ben if he told Lauren he loved her, he says yes, we gasp. Ben leaves and meets with Neil Lane! Yay Neil Lane!

THEN IT IS TIME. Ben stands on his fancy random pathway thing and is ready to break someone’s heart into millions of pieces and propose to that other one.

JoJo’s dress’ concept is definitely the better one, but the color is not good. Lauren’s is just too plain blue. And it’s JoJo’s shoes that betray her, so she’s going home. She has to give her little speech thing which is always great because you know her ass is going home, when the person you love is looking at you like they’ve been stabbed, he’s not picking you. She takes it as well as you can take being dumped on tv when thinking you’re going to be proposed to, she’s definitely a little mad. She does at least get a car ride instead one of the super awkward slow boat rides off an island.

Then Ben does something super adorbs and calls Lauren’s dad for permission to ask Lauren to marry him. Lauren’s dad is super attentive and answers in one ring, and says yes. Then Ben does the cutest little whoop dance in the air thing, which I think shows he like actually really likes Lauren, like like likes her, not tv likes her.

Then Lauren comes and gives her little speech, which I admit I like JoJo’s better, and then Ben smiles and gets down on one knee and it happens. WE HAVE A PROPOSAL EVERYONE.

So Ben and Lauren are true looovvesss and get to live happily ever.

And of course on the After the Final Rose we learn that JoJo has a boob window and is ready to seduce her own 25 men because she’s the Bachelorette.

We have no premier date for Bachelor in Paradise, but don’t you worry, I’ll be here to recap all the love, drama, and unnecessary Chris Harrison commentary as always!

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The Bachelor Finale: AWW YEAH

The Bachelor E10: Everybody is complaining

I’m not a huge fan of women tell all. Normally that one girl who no one knows and left in episode 2 yells a lot to try to become famous and we gang up on the “bitch.” And then we get to awkwardly confront Ben. Because that’s always fun.

BUT ANYWAY HERE WE GO

The two most important factors are the live audience who I hope are absolutely hammered and the women that have taken the post-production time to have makeovers to show just how much they’ve grown as a person….through their appearance. Case in point: Olivia’s new side part.

To start the show off, we get to see Ben and Chris Harrison crash some viewing parties, and the people at these parties definitely have no idea that they are coming. No idea at all. I’ve never ever ever looked that cute while watching the Bachelor. They go to a party with 40 girls, what the hell? How can you even see a tv if there are 39 other people? More importantly, how can anyone hear your snarky comments?!

One of the cruelest parts of this show, is not that they force heartbroken women to confront men, but that they force the women to sit in these weird plastic super uncomfortable chairs, which obviously dictate your fashion choice because you either go with gluing your legs together so you don’t flash the audience or with a longer, possibly less stylish option. Most girls this year went with the glue your crossed legs together option. However Caila and Olivia, both in the front row, went with jumpsuits with pants, a nice choice.

We get the intros which prove my point- chicken enthusiast girl definitely went home night one, yet here she is….with a chicken. The more popular you are, the more Woos you get, and Caila definitely got the most woos.

Immediately off the bat, Jami who no one has ever seen before, starts butting in, time for her 15 minutes of fame!!!

We get an embarrassing recap where everyone has to rewatch themselves looking like fools and it doesn’t take long to segue into Lace and then Jubilee then Leah and of course OLIVIA

Chris immediately asks why there is so much drama, and Sheila the chicken thinks that is an idiotic question so she tries to leave. We get back to Leah being a bitch and Jump-in-Jami has some things to say, since you know, she went home weeks before any of this happened

Time to attack Jubilee! We get some race discussion, thank goodness the Bachelor is here to cover these current issues.

We get a Jubilee montage to remind me how much I like Jubilee and think she is such a genuine person and too good and real for this show. Then Chris Harrison is a total dick and asks Jubilee if she feels unloveable all the time or just in that moment when she got dumped. JUBILEE YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHOW, GO BE FREE FROM REALITY TV AND LIVE YOUR KICKASS LIFE

Back to our regularly scheduled vapid programming, time to talk to Lace! Totally forgot all the third person references to Lace. Lace has learned from her time on the show, she doesn’t make as many weird faces or say crazy so often.

And then one of the weirdest things ever happens, a random ass man calls out saying Lace is beautiful- he appears to have a tattoo of her on his body, they take a picture. No one is fazed by this. I can only assume the producers did it, but like why, I don’t understand. The tattoo man then just walks away. Then we get the obvious question because Lace is crazy, and we like to put all the crazy people on an island, so Chris asks if she would like to go to Bachelor in Paradise.

Time to open your mouth really really wide, it’s Olivia’s turn!! Even with Olivia drama this is pretty boring, but let’s re-hash this drama. Twins don’t like Olivia, Olivia apologizes and cries. She feels bad.

Caila’s turn- let’s remind her of her broken heart! Let’s make her watch herself talking about how much she loves Ben and then him breaking up with her. Caila is doing a fantastic job at solidifying her bid for bachelorette.

Now it’s time for Ben and all the women we don’t remember who got kicked off super early to demand closure from him

 

Anddddddddd, I may or may not have skipped to the end of the episode, it was boring people! BECAUSE MORE IMPORTANTLY it’s the season finale next week and everyone’s going to cry and everyone is in love and someone is going home.

The Bachelor E10: Everybody is complaining

Bachelor E9: Ben LOVES everyone #wellnoteveryone

FANTASY SUITESSSSSSSSS

Chris Harrison wants everybody to get it on

My friend informed me that Caila’s nickname is sex panther because she pounces on Ben

Ben if you think Jamaica is a great place to fall in love…you’re a little late in the game

Let’s recap:

Ben’s biggest fear for Caila is that she’s an unemotional robot

Lauren is cool

JoJo’s brothers are asses

 

Caila is up first and there are some very long extended silences. They go on a boat with an old man. After the super awkward date with lots more silences, Caila ponies up and declares her love and we get to the fantasy suite…LET’S DO IT

They did it. Caila says last night was amazing and she knows Ben can’t say he loves her…but we know he says it to two other people…and there’s only two other people left

Now it’s time for Lauren’s date. We get yet another old man for the 3rd wheel. They save turtles, the turtles are adorbs, their relationship-not as cute. Ben then compliments Lauren for a long time. They go to a fun dance party and Lauren has thoughts and feelings. OMG saying I love you is like really hard, honey, if you don’t want your ass to be sent home you better start expressing your love…in multiple ways. Fantasy Suite #2. And Lauren confesses her love! We’re 2 for 2 people. #allthelove #allthefantasysuites

GASP. HE’S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. NO RECIPROCATED FEELINGS

So we think that because he legitimately told Lauren he loves her, which is against the rules, so he then has to tell JoJo as well.

Lauren is feeling good- she got laid- she got an “I Love you”- there’s nothing else a girl could want

Well now JoJo has to follow that up…good luck. Helicopters are so week 2, but we can forgive for the secret grotto. And we get an I Love you from JoJo. 3 for 3! AND BEN LOVES HER TOO

And Ben starts talking about 2 women, and either, I guess Caila fell off the waterfall

Now we’re just throwing the word love around everywhere. Ben’s staying the night with a woman he loves. He said I love you to two different women. JoJo says it again. Poor JoJo, he didn’t mean it. The producers made him say it.

Time to have sex with the remaining girl. Now Ben will definitely know who to choose!

NO THE PREVIEWS MAKE IT LOOK LIKE CAILA WALKS IN ON THEM. NO CAILA, YOU KNOW HOW THESE WORK, EVERYONE GETS A FANTASY SUITE

It’s morning everyone is too freaking happy. And Ben leaves so Caila’s gasp is not from walking in on them.

Ben continues to talk about 2 women…even though there are 3 left.

So now Caila goes to find him…we all know this won’t end well.

Don’t tell her you love 2 women there and not her!!!!!!!!!! 😦

Caila doesn’t follow any rules and jumps out of the car and demands some answers. She doesn’t want to end on a weird note #toolate I’m okay with her as the Bachelorette, I wouldn’t hate it

Time for a pointless rose ceremony- because Chris Harrison needs at least some screen time. He spent all that time writing those fantasy suite notes. Hurry everyone tell Chris Harrison that Ben loves them back!

Let’s have some awkward time standing and staring at the roses. Ben waltzes down to let them know that Caila is gone. But this is still the Bachelor so you have to give them out. JoJo gets the first rose, let’s over analyze that

Let’s group hug it out

COMING UP NEXT NEXT WEEK (women tell all is next week)

I like Lauren’s dress better. And Ben’s journey comes to an end! We say love 1000000 more times. But he could still end up alone, because that’s a logical option. And then he calls someone on the phone. WHO EVEN CALLS SOMEONE ANYMORE? Texting all the way

 

Bachelor E9: Ben LOVES everyone #wellnoteveryone