The finale is actually the episode hardest to summarize because all you really want to know is the winner- which is Lauren.
It really just goes to show you, statistics work, if you start with 5 Laurens there’s a great chance one of them will win.
But anways- Lauren and JoJo meet Ben’s parents. Ben’s Mom loves everyone, Ben’s dad is a dad.
Lauren’s date was first, the producers really wanted us to doubt their relationship because they get zero background music while on their boat and then on the beach. It does make you wonder, are all of their conversations always this awkward but we just never notice because there’s background music to keep us distracted? Ben leaves and Lauren cries, she doesn’t want to sleep alone tonight.
Then goes JoJo they get a drive through Jamaica where I was 99% sure Ben was going to get them in a fiery car crash causing them to die so he didn’t have to choose in the end. Seriously! He doesn’t even look at the road, which he is driving on the wrong side of because he’s in Jamaica not America! Stop staring at JoJo’s boobs and be an attentive driver! They get to go to a hella nice private lagoon and swim around. JoJo’s bathing suit was definitely cuter than Lauren’s.
Then they go back to the hotel for dinner and JoJo is really worried, so Ben decides to have some secret, private, off camera time…in the bathroom. Which, whatever, you can be private, however I have never heard the mics on the Bachelor work better. I had literally just complained about not being able to hear them at the lagoon because of the waterfall being picked up in the background and all of a sudden they are crouched on the bathroom floor and I can hear everything.
JoJo asks Ben if he told Lauren he loved her, he says yes, we gasp. Ben leaves and meets with Neil Lane! Yay Neil Lane!
THEN IT IS TIME. Ben stands on his fancy random pathway thing and is ready to break someone’s heart into millions of pieces and propose to that other one.
JoJo’s dress’ concept is definitely the better one, but the color is not good. Lauren’s is just too plain blue. And it’s JoJo’s shoes that betray her, so she’s going home. She has to give her little speech thing which is always great because you know her ass is going home, when the person you love is looking at you like they’ve been stabbed, he’s not picking you. She takes it as well as you can take being dumped on tv when thinking you’re going to be proposed to, she’s definitely a little mad. She does at least get a car ride instead one of the super awkward slow boat rides off an island.
Then Ben does something super adorbs and calls Lauren’s dad for permission to ask Lauren to marry him. Lauren’s dad is super attentive and answers in one ring, and says yes. Then Ben does the cutest little whoop dance in the air thing, which I think shows he like actually really likes Lauren, like like likes her, not tv likes her.
Then Lauren comes and gives her little speech, which I admit I like JoJo’s better, and then Ben smiles and gets down on one knee and it happens. WE HAVE A PROPOSAL EVERYONE.
So Ben and Lauren are true looovvesss and get to live happily ever.
And of course on the After the Final Rose we learn that JoJo has a boob window and is ready to seduce her own 25 men because she’s the Bachelorette.
We have no premier date for Bachelor in Paradise, but don’t you worry, I’ll be here to recap all the love, drama, and unnecessary Chris Harrison commentary as always!