Battlestar Galactica S1 E3: Hurry! Everyone take a nap!

Sorry for the delay. I was watching 13 Reasons Why with the rest of the world.

Speaking of which, if you take 13 and multiply it by 2 and add 7 then you get…33!

So the Cylons have been attacking every 33 minutes for the last…5 DAYS. That means no one can sleep because all the ships have to jump somewhere every 33 minutes. I can’t function with less than 8.5 hours of sleep. I’d be dead. Who needs to save the entire human race, I’d just want a nap.

So suffice to say, everyone is a little pissy and tired. But don’t worry, the crew is a little bit more invested in the human race than I am.

On Colonial One Gaius hallucinates- but I guess he always does that- pretty Cylon 6 wants to have babies because God says so…I guess why not? He learns another scientist wants to talk to the President about the attacks which can’t possibly go well since he inadvertently gave all the codes to the Cylons, so that’s not good.

Back on Caprica we learn that Helo isn’t dead! And that his real name is Karl! I don’t really understand the point of call signs but I do like fun nicknames.

Old man Adama is feeling real tired and gets to take a ten minute nap. Good for him.

We then get to see Starbuck for the first time in the episode <33333333 She tells Apollo to stop sucking at being a leader. I’d listen to anything she says ever.

Back to Helo/Karl who is injecting himself with fun radiation needles. Remember the last time he was seen with all those people trying to leave the planet? I wonder where they went. Maybe they all took real long naps.

The communications lady (one day I’ll learn everyone’s names) finds out that one of the ships didn’t make the last jump. There goes about a tenth of the remaining human population. Ohp. Buttt, conveniently that Doctor Gaius was worried about was on that ship. Which Cylon 6 lady says is because God is looking out for him. Gaius likes #science and disagrees.

33 minutes go by…………but the Cylons don’t come!

Hurry! Everyone take a nap!

Apollo, Starbuck, and Boomer have to do the first patrol. Boomer, in case you don’t know her name, is from #calculationscrew and is oh wait, A CYLON. But she’s a ‘sleeper cylon,’ hahaha so many sleep jokes, and doesn’t know she’s a cylon. And then Starbuck jokes about how she’s never tired so she must be a cylon. So much dramatic irony.

The Olympic Carrier is back! That’s the ship that everyone thought died. But it shows up a little late, which is just a little sketchy. And by sketchy I mean that the ship won’t talk to anyone and has nukes on board.

Cylon 6 makes Gaius repent for doubting God which seemingly makes the President approve the destruction of the Olympic Carrier. Why didn’t we just ask God for a nap like 100 attacks ago? We’re not sure there are any evil cylons on the carrier, but they blow it up anyway. But this is war.

Back to Karl/Helo! A not hallucinated Cylon 6 tries to save him and then is shot by Boomer! But oh wait, isn’t Boomer flying around in a dramatic irony ship? Well this is another version of her and this is definitely going to go real well.

Madame President is real sad about the fact that they maybe just exploded a ship full of 1300 civilians, but the cylons haven’t attacked for 24 hours so it seems like God/the plan worked. But don’t worry! A baby was born so we can increase the headcount by one. Don’t worry baby, it will just be your job to help repopulate the entire human race #nopressure

Now let’s all go take a nap!

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Battlestar Galactica S1 E3: Hurry! Everyone take a nap!

Battlestar Galactica S1 E2: No one is dead! And by that I mean main characters…not so much with all of humanity

Surprise! The one character that I bothered to learn his name isn’t dead!

Gasp!

So picking up where we left off- the Colonial One ship doesn’t die because Apollo does some generator coil magic and it only looks like it exploded…? President Lady decides to have them gather all the nearby ships to find all the displaced people to bring them altogether. But oh wait, the Cylons show up! So President Lady makes her large choice as president and decides that in order to save the human race she’s going to have to sacrifice some people….and by some people I mean pretty much most the remaining people alive in the universe. But hey, we all gotta make tough choices.

Back on the giant ship they’ve gotten to the armory station thing and find a man inside. He’s quite sweaty. Sweaty man and the Commander get locked in a chamber and someone Commander finds out that Sweaty man is so sweaty because……..he’s a Cylon! (and there’s some weird storm that makes Cylons sweaty #robotlogic). That’s 2 out of 12. If you remember, Number Six (the lady Cylon) said there are 12 human looking Cylons, so we now know what two of them look like: Sweaty man, Blonde lady.

So the Colonial One and all the ships with hyperdrive or go-through-space-really- fast-capabilities go and meet up with Battlestar so now all of our main characters are in the same place. Thank goodness.

Everyone finds out that Apollo isn’t dead. This show so far has dealt with death and the pretty much extinction of the human race incredibly well and portrays it quite realistically. I’m just glad we’re getting more Starbuck screen time heart eyerre

So Gaius and Cylon 6 are now on the ship as well. Cylon 6 is a hallucination…? A bug planted in his brain…? All I know is that she is really horny and slightly helpful in pointing out that mysterious white thing on the ceiling that definitely is some sort of evil robot gadget. Gaius is established as a very self-serving and persevering character and decides to frame some dude as a Cylon to cover his ass and the fact he now hallucinates(?) his helpful lady friend.

President Lady and Commander man battle it out with what the strategy for the remainder of the entire human race is and they settle on…RUNNING AWAY

But first we gotta fight all the Cylons that are waiting outside of the sweaty cloud. Commander dude tells Apollo to make sure no one dies and literally in the first 10 seconds about five people explode. But Starbuck remains kick-ass and Apollo is just fine but his engine blows up so she has to save him by being kick-ass with #supercoolspacemaneuvers

It’s okay because everyone escapes, and by everyone I mean the pitiful remaining population of the entire human race. Commander dude decides to give everyone some hope by saying they are going to go find the mysterious 13th colony…..EARTH!!! So that makes everyone real hopeful even though the world/universe is ending. But oh wait, President Lady knows that Earth isn’t real (and let’s be honest here people, if someone was looking for earth at this point I would tell them to turn around and go somewhere else) but decides to keep it a secret because hope isn’t all that bad.

So back to the framed human man that we left on the armory station thing….HE’S A CYLON. So he’s number 3! So a bunch of #sweatyman cylons and blonde lady cylons show up to rescue him with….#CALCULATIONCREWCYLON

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS. First we leave half of #calculationcrew on the planet that is exploding and next the other half is an evil robot. Sheesh, the poor calculation people cannot get a break.

So we’ll have to see how all 5 remaining humans survive and how the Cylons continue to just blow people up next time!

Battlestar Galactica S1 E2: No one is dead! And by that I mean main characters…not so much with all of humanity

Battlestar Galactica- S1 E1- There’s like 5 million characters

What am I am watching?

Well, there’s no season of anything Bachelor related currently on. Not even Bachelor in Paradise to throw me a bone and as I said before, I can’t take stars dancing.

So let’s take this tv blogging journey into a different realm…one of space!

I’ve heard about Battlestar Galactica before and seen an episode or two. And I have some time to kill. SO LET’S DO THIS.

So the first episode is actually a mini-series and is a whopping 1.5 hours long.

So the first thing we learn from the fun words on the screen is that humans created Cylons (robots), the Cylons were like ‘oh hey I have sentience, what is this crap?’, and then were like ‘let’s kill everyone!’ Which they almost did but then there was peace for like a really long time. And obviously that isn’t lasting long.

Image result for cylon (cylon)

So there’s some people we have to pay attention to:

Image result for general adamaGuy in charge of Battlestar Galactica- which is the warship most of the people are on

Image result for old man battlestar galacticaOld dude that is not in charge of the ship but almost in charge (why yes, I did literally google ‘old man battlestar galactica’)

Image result for starbuck battlestar galacticaStarbuck- best character ever heart eyerre.PNG

Lee_Adama_001.jpgLee Adama- they said his name enough that I now know it, guy in charge is his dad  (what a fun photoshoot they must have had for this picture)

Image result for secretary education battlestar galacticaSecretary of Education badass lady

Assistant to badass lady who looks like a little asshole so I bet he is one (he doesn’t get a picture because I don’t want to give him one)

Image result for gaius and six battlestar galacticaGaius Baltar- we also said his name a lot- and oh wait, he messes everything up by sleeping with the new kind of Cylon that looks like a hot lady

Hot lady Cylon- she stole all the security codes so they could bomb all the people

Image result for maintenance guy battlestar galacticaDude that runs the maintenance in the ship- literally googled ‘maintenance guy battlestar galactica’

Girl and guy that fly the ship that just does calculations…?- I can’t find a good picture of them in their calculations ship so I give up, also I want to avoid spoilers

And that’s as many people as I can remember.

So hot lady Cylon steals the security codes that Gaius made because she was sleeping with him. The Cylons use those to blow up the world.

Everyone except hot lady Cylon and calculations crew are all on the Battlestar Galactica for its retirement ceremony…oh wait that’s not happening! But before people can be bombed badass secretary lady with her assistant and Lee Adama start to head back to a colony but oh wait Cylons attack so they’re in space straight chilling.

And calculations crew goes to fight some Cylons but all the fighter people die and they end up on the ground and they end up getting Gaius but leaving man-half-of #calculationscrew on the ground (it’s official, I made #calculationscrew a thing).

And then Starbuck is busy being fantastic and just wants to kick some robot ass so she goes and does that but the Cylons manage to nuke part of the ship so maintenance dude tries to save his people but Guy in charge opens the air locks to put the fire out and jettison some people into space #RIP #thisisawar #againstrobots!

Kickass Education Secretary lady learns all 42 people in front of her for the presidency are dead so now she’s president and because she’s great she won’t take Dude in charge’s orders but that also means that her tiny ship might have just been blown up.

And that’s what happened in the first episode!

Robots! Dudes! Kickass women (omg yay)! Battlestar Galactica!

Battlestar Galactica- S1 E1- There’s like 5 million characters