The Bachelor S21 E5: Neverending Haunted House of Doom #whippedcreamandlies

It’s time for the smackdown of the season!

In one corner we have child Nanny ‘ girl….. Corinneeeeeeee.

In the other corner we have registered counselor who is actually younger than Corinne…TAYLORRRRRRRRRRRRR.

The argument has somehow turned into how Taylor doesn’t say hello to everyone.

Corinne then goes and tells Nick, her main points being that Taylor doesn’t say hello. And is rude. #RIGHTREASONS Taylor is not here for the right reasons. In case you don’t know what these “right reasons” are- that means you are committed to marrying Nick and living happily ever- oh wait. No one actually does that. So it really means whether you are pretending to want to get engaged on national tv and follow it up with a Dancing with the Stars stint.

Now it’s time for the darn rose ceremony that is supposed to happen at the freaking end of the episode. In case you forgot (like I did) the brown hair Danielle, Raven, and Kristina from Russia have roses.

Whitney gets the first rose- she is identical to Astrid, that’s all I know about her

Danielle- she saves those babies

Jasmine- she was a dancer

Rachel- she’s an attorney and one of my favs

Jaimi- she kissed a girl once

Josephine- she fake slapped Nick at the date that one time and has done nothing since

Vanessa- she’s from Canada! Also a fav

Alexis- #sharpin

Corinne- you all better know who freaking Corinne is

and Taylor gets that last rose because we need the 2-on-1 to happen

I officially know everyone’s name! Except Sarah and her ass just went home, so did Astrid’s.

Time to go to New Orleans! Which has a few more things going for it than Wisconsin…no offense Wisconsin. OMG THERE IS A TWO-ON-ONE DATE THIS WEEK. THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION that has not been shown in 1500 commercials. But first it’s time for Rachel’s one-on-one.

Rachel is adorable and they get to walk around and explore New Orleans.  They eat beignets. I’m jealous. Also Nick and Rachel are adorbs. They get to second line through New Orleans- conveniently by the hotel – and then get a private concert because this is the Bachelor. Their dinner takes place in a warehouse full of creepy Mardi Gras floats.  They discuss Rachel’s kickass federal judge dad. And Nick discusses how he has already asked two dads for permission to marry their daughters. Which is true. And awkward.

Nick lets Rachel know he is “super into” her. And it’s adorbssss ❤

Group date reveal time! I won’t bother to list the people on the group date because it’s everyone except for Taylor and Corinne. The group date is at a haunted house. ooooOOOOoooOOO The tour guide is named Boo. I’m not kidding. They play with a ouija board to talk to the spirits. It’s not spooky.

We do get the greatest montage of all time, while Corinne says Taylor is high maintenance, she soaks in a bubble bath with some champagne and then orders five million dishes from room service.

BACK TO THE NEVERENDING HORRIBLE HAUNTED HOUSE DATE. It’s so boring there isn’t even anything to blog about.  Raven does accidentally tell Nick she loves him, it’s cute. Danielle M (the baby nurse) gets the group date rose. AND THEN IT ENDS THANK GOD NEVERENDING DATE FROM LITERAL HAUNTED HELL.

Time for the 2-on-1 in the bayou! Nothing says romance like a swamp. Is a bayou a swamp? Are they the same? Interchangeable? Who will get the rose? How horrible is Corinne? Will we ever know any answers to these questions?! Obviously there’s nothing to do in the bayou besides voodoo. So let’s do that. Then we have some tarot reading.  Corinne somehow ends up with a voodoo doll of Taylor.  Taylor is upset about Corinne and doesn’t want Nick’s relationship to be based on #whippedcreamandlies

Corinne gets the damn rose because nothing is fair and 2017 is a mess of a year. Corinne cradles her rose and voodoo doll as she and Nick motorboat into the sunset. Taylor gets to stay in the bayou/swamp. Corinne gets her fancy dinner with Nick.

OH WAIT. TAYLOR ISN’T IN THE SWAMP. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. SHE’S HERE TO CRASH THE DATE AND NOW THE EPISODE IS OVER GODDAMN

NEXT WEEK:

Nick cries. Women wear bikinis. DRAMAAAAAA

The Bachelor S21 E5: Neverending Haunted House of Doom #whippedcreamandlies

The Bachelor S21 E4: Rollerskating your way into my heart

Well, let’s not even wait one minute without discussing Corinne. In case you forgot “she was straddling Nick in the bouncy house.” Yup, that sums it up.

Vanessa is not having it, and is actually threatening to give back her rose. Like woah. I believe that she would do it too.

Taylor and some other girl confront Corinne and say she is being disrespectful and entitled. Which Corinne denies. UMMMMMMMM OKAY. Also who is this other girl? She’s going home real fast.

We finally get a rose ceremony so let’s see who makes it through: Raven (southern), Taylor (super young psychologist), Whitney (who the heck is she?), Kristina (she’s Russian), Jasmine (she likes dancing), Alexis (dolphin), Astrid (she has a cool name and looks like Whitney),  Danielle M (saving the babies!), Jamie (she kissed a girl once), Josephine (fake slapped Nick on that horrible break up date), Sarah (girl I thought was going home)

And Corinne gets the final rose. It has to be like this but goddamnit!

So Christen (girl that Liz told all her sexy details to) and that other girl go home. Other girl is just looking for a man who loves and appreciates and understands her…yeah…that’s not happening on this show.

Corinne makes a nice speech at the champagne toast it’s really heartfelt and genuine…oh wait.

Now it’s time to travel to…WISCONSIN. The only problem is I don’t think any of these women eat cheese. #zeropercentbodyfat Let’s continue with the charade of the lack of budget, pretty sure the producers just wanted the cheapest option.

Nick does have some pretty cool parents that give like actual advice. And don’t want to see him on the show again, don’t worry Nick’s parents, we’re all on the same page for that.

Danielle L, the cute shop owner, gets the first one-on-one! This is like really important because they are in Nick’s hometown which means she’ll get to meet his little league assistant soccer coach and that one teacher that sort of had an impact on his life and was willing to sign all the forms to be on reality tv. They get to go to a bakery with a ‘Nickerdoodle’ which had his face with icing on it. After they eat the cookies with Nick’s face on it they happen to run into his ex. This poor lady. It’s horrible and awkward. But we move on and Danielle and Nick get to sit on a wet hill and share stories of their first kisses.

Nick is really smooth during the dinner part of the date and asks Danielle for any obvious flaws. Which she says her parent’s divorce. I don’t think either of them really understand how this works.

The group date is Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jamie, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Justine, Danielle, Corinne which is like the whole damn house so that means Raven gets the other one-on-one!

Danielle who is on the one-on-one already gets the rose, surprise surprise. And gets an actual surprise of a concert! Because nothing says the Bachelor like an awkward concert performed by someone you’ve never heard of. Danielle gets the rose. Duh

So the group date involves going to a farm with chores and cows. Nick has to milk the cow and doesn’t do well ‘handling the teats’ as Jaimi says. I might have learned how to spell her name. They then shovel cow poop. And in the least surprising moment since the surprise concert Corinne refuses to participate.

We get to the cocktail party portion of the group date and Nick shows up in a white t-shirt and sweater. Great Nick, looking fine…

Kristina, the girl from Russia, attempts to explain her sad backstory but Nick doesn’t let her, because he’s worried about ‘the time.’

Corinne lets us know she is like corn. You have to peel back all those layers of the husk to find the golden yellow corn inside. I can’t even. She then tells everyone that they are all in this together and if they have any problems they should just address her directly. Girl whose name I don’t know calls her out for sleeping. But like Michael Jordan took naps. So did Abraham Lincoln.

Kristina uses her Russian background to grow a backbone and stand up to Corinne. Corinne then compares fighting for Nick like fighting for a pickle. Or not like fighting like a pickle. Kristina then gets the rose, which isn’t a pickle.

Raven’s one-on-one is up next.  They get to watch Nick’s little sister’s soccer game. Side note, the 11 freaking children in his family have never been explained. ELEVEN. And then Raven gets to meet the parents. This isn’t the final two, this is not how this works. It’s nice and awkward before the date proceeds to the roller rink with the entirety of the soccer team. Nothing like being the thirteenth wheel. Nick and Raven’s fancy dinner happens at the Milwaukee Art Museum in a cool structural room that appears to not have any art in it…okay. Nick gets down to the dirty questions and finds out that Raven walked in on her ex cheating on her. Ouch. But it’s okay, Raven got it covered because she’s a boss. She also gets the rose.

They then get to rollerblade through the musuem? And then Raven says she’s falling in love. IT HAPPENED. START COUNTING. OFFICIAL ‘FALLING IN LOVE.’

The cocktail ceremony is taking place in a barn. Because we’re run out of places in Wisconsin.  Danielle L pulls a party foul by stealing Nick first when she already has a rose. #notokay Bachelor police Taylor is not having it and interrupts.

Then Corrine and Josephine bad mouth Taylor and then Corinne decides to tell Taylor straight to her face. Taylor uses her edumucation to describe to Corinne how not smart Corinne is. Or emotionally intelligent. But Corinne’s not stupid! Right?

Next week:

Corinne and Taylor fight it out…literally?  With an alligator?

The Bachelor S21 E4: Rollerskating your way into my heart

The Bachelor S21 E3: Cheese Pasta, Barf, and Bouncy Castles (only two are Corinne themed)

Where did we leave off?! Well remember that one time Nick and Liz had sex and then he told her to leave and then decided to tell everyone about it? Well you should. Because now we have to find out how everyone deals with this oh-so-shocking news. GASP.

Well first, all the girls on the group date tell the other girls. Because gossip is the best way to spread news. And then it’s time for the rose ceremony that didn’t happen at the end of the last freaking episode when it is supposed to. END OF EPISODE=ROSE CEREMONY. That’s how it should be.

So Nick like tells everyone that he like knew Liz from before. And then talks to each girl and casually throws Liz under the bus. No big. Everyone is concerned and annoyed at Nick for keeping a secret but obvi forgive him because he’s their true love.

Corinne on the other hand is practicing her flashing skills in the mirror…because why not? The producers tricked some blonde girl I’ve never seen into saying she wouldn’t know what to think if Nick had sex before fantasy suites:

  1. Honey, you’re not getting anywhere close to that fantasy suite, you’re going be going home wayyyy before that
  2. We just established Nick gets a little frisky after a wedding cocktail
  3.  As stated above, Corinne is currently practicing throwing open her trench coat so she can throw herself at Nick
  4. But sureeee honey, keep on believing in yourself and your and Nick’s love

So Corinne shows up in her trench with whipped cream. She squirts it on her boob and makes Nick lick it off. Nick wants to make sure everyone feels respected and is failing spectacularly. Nick is then stolen and Corinne goes and cries because her evil plan was thwarted…?

Time for the rose ceremony. I can’t really name any of the women currently on this show except for Corinne who already has the rose. So she can sleep through the ceremony…because why not?

Here who gets the roses: Astrid, Taylor (young therapist), someone I missed, Kristina (she’s Russian),  Danielle (she’s pretty), Rachel, Vanessa (she was worried), Raven (I begrudgingly like her now), Jami (she used to date a girl), Dominique, Dolphin, Courtney, this is too hard, I give up.

That blond girl that I literally called was going home 3 paragraphs goes home. And the girl with the dress that’s just a bra in the middle. And someone else.

Group date time!

Danielle L, Kristen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne get to go. AND IT’S THE BACKSTREET BOYSS!!! Only problem is some of these girls were barely alive in the 90s. But it’s okay, they will still squeal. So they get to be backup dancers for a concert, and Corinne isn’t having it. Because she sucks, and her boobs have to stay inside of her clothes. Danielle wins the dance off challenge and gets to slow dance with Nick while all the other girls and all of the Backstreet Boys fans watch….how romantic.

To the cocktail portion! Corinne steals Nick first…great. Then Danielle gets some alone time and she’s super cool and cute and #Iamafan

Vanessa gets the one-on-one!

And Danielle gets the group date rose. And Corinne talks about the wonders of her Nanny and cheese pasta.

Now it’s time for Vanessa’s date! She gets to go on a Zero G plane, which makes you feel like you’re in space…cool? And it looks fun until Vanessa doesn’t feel well and barfs. 😦 Which sucks because she’s on a date and now we’re all watching her embarrassing moment together. But it’s okay because Nick kisses her afterwards. #ew

The next group date is Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimie, Sarah, Brittney, and Dominique (I didn’t spell any of those correctly).

Back to Vanessa’s date, she is lying to herself by saying it’s the best date she’s ever been on. I somehow doubt she’s barfed on all her other dates, so I think she’s lying to herself. Vanessa’s grandpa just died 😦 but like it’s kind of creepy to say he’s here with you since you’re on a dating reality tv show. And then Nick cries. Because this wasn’t the weirdest day ever. But sure, let’s go with it. And Vanessa gets the rose!

The group date is exercise themed…ugh. But it’s okay, there are Olympians, the only sports that I like. It’s a Nick-athlon! Events include jumping into Nick’s arms, throwing giant arrows at a giant heart, and jumping into the limo. The event to decide the winner involves sprinting towards a giant ring and then taking the ring into the jacuzzi. The ring falls to the ground and shatters…because that’s not a metaphor for anything. But Astrid wins the jacuzzi time!  And then it’s time for cocktail dresses and Astrid wears a zebra jumpsuit…I don’t get it.

Dominique is upset, I don’t know who Dominique is. She doesn’t think Nick is feeling it. Maybe because we don’t know who you are Dominique. She confronts Nick and wants to know why he didn’t ask her what was wrong. Once again, would be helpful if anyone knew your name. So Nick sends her home. That way no one has to learn her name. But it’s too late because I just learned it. Rachel gets the rose. YAY

Not yay is there are only 11 minutes left and that means there’s no rose ceremony so we get another damn cliffhanger.

YOU GUYS OMGGGGGGGG. THERE’S A POOL PARTY INSTEAD OF A COCKTAIL PARTY. Gasp. This has literally never happened before. There are some teeny tiny bikinis at this party. Because we went 5 seconds without discussing Corinne…she has a bouncy castle in the driveway.

Raven with her down home country vibe isn’t taking any of this shit and tells Nick he’s making a decision with Corinne. Oh wait, and Jasmine, and Taylor and Vanessa.

Who brings the big guns out and calls Nick out. Because does he want to make out in bouncy castles or find a wife? #forrealz

NEXT WEEK: CORINNE

 

The Bachelor S21 E3: Cheese Pasta, Barf, and Bouncy Castles (only two are Corinne themed)

The Bachelor S21 E2: Can I steal you for a second?

So there’s 22 women and not enough dates for them…OMG

So let’s get to the first group date of the season! On it are:

Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hayley, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Elizabeth W and I def forgot someone.

They jet off in their super cute matching convertibles- I wonder how they picked who would drive, there’s definitely few that are only just old enough to be able to legally drive. The first group date is of course…wedding pictures! That are themed! Themes include: 80s, shotgun, and Adam and Eve where the poor girl gets to wear leaves.

Corinne is beach bride, I think? But if you don’t remember her for some odd reason, she’s the 24 year old rich daddy’s girl with the nanny. And she kissed Nick first. Which she reminds us of, like 5 times in the first 3 minutes. The photoshoots happen in the middle of some weird backyard, really very nice. The photoshoots then morph into everyone making out with Nick, and the creepy camera guy just going “this is really nice” in the background.

Quick flash to the girls who aren’t on the date- they’re talking about how Corinne already kissed Nick…but Liz kissed him 10 months ago. Hehe

Back to the date where Corinne decides to make her daddy and nanny proud by removing her top. Yup. Boobies. Corinne “wins” the competition because Franco the photographer thinks they had a strong connection. “Strong connection.”

Direct quote from Corinne- ‘no one has ever held my boobs like that.’ She’s not here to make friends. Raven goes in with the best line ever- ‘I’m not calling you an asshole, but I’m attracted to assholes, so…’

Danielle M the super cute blonde nurse gets the first one-on-one! Liz does not…she is totally not jealous at all.

Corinne goes and interrupts Dolphin girl. Everyone gets mad. AND THEN SHE DOES IT AGAIN to psychology girl that should have spent more time in college. And then psychology girl, whose name I have now bothered to learn- Taylor, goes back to reclaim Nick. Using that psychology.  Then Corinne decides to tell Taylor she didn’t like that. And then she lectures everyone on how this show works. It will be weird and uncomfortable and her boobs and nipples will be everywhere. And to make it worse Nick is a stupid head and gives her the rose. STUPID

It’s okay, let’s watch Danielle M be a wonderfully nice, age appropriate lady. Hopefully I didn’t just jinx that.

I sort of did, because let’s go back to the Liz storyline. Did you guys know she already met Nick and had sex with him? I had no ideaaa! She tells Christen, and us, all the details. Lots of alcohol and awkwardness.

It’s okay because Danielle is incredibly awkward and adorable and keeps giggling. So we have some women here that aren’t insane. But then I remember that Nick just picked Corinne, so Danielle is too good for Nick. Go be a great person not on tv Danielle, you save those babies. We further learn she’s too good for this show because her fiance OD’ed and she found the body.  😦 But she gets the rose! Yay!

Next group date has a bunch of people I sort of know their names! Liz, Christen, Josephine…that’s all I got and some others. They go to a museum full of stuff from break ups. Wow, what a horrible date. It’s almost like Nick has been broken up with on national tv multiple times…oh yeah.

Astrid is on the date! Her name is unique. Her breakup wasn’t bad. The dental hygienist’s on the other hand was horrible and full of plaque.  Josephine goes with a nice slap. Nick deserves it, we all know, even though it’s not real.

Then Liz goes. And gives us a recap of their past “aka hooking up at a wedding that one time.” And it seems kind of real and then is just confusing. We go to the cocktail dress part of the date and everyone else is living in ignorant bliss, but not Christen. So she straight out tells Nick that Liz told her all the deets. That Liz and Nick did it and Christen knows. Nothing like spending your one-on-one time talking about someone else.

It’s Liz’s turn now. This will go well. These two people are incapable of having a conversation. A sober conversation. Yeah, it’s not going well for either of them. Nick has found the clarity that they don’t have a future. DUH. And he sends home Liz right away.

Nick is now scared because he has to tell everyone about his steamy one nightstand with Liz and is so worried about what will happen. I hope all 21 of them walk out on him right away.

Next week we see how everyone responds to the MOST DRAMATIC NEWS EVER.

And we leave you all with the celebration of dolphin girl’s boobday. Happy 1 year to her implants!

The Bachelor S21 E2: Can I steal you for a second?

The Bachelor S21 E1: Salty, Salty Nick

Here we are again!

 

Nick, in case you don’t remember is the Bachelor. In case you super don’t remember, he first appeared on Andi’s season, where he got the nickname ‘Salty Nick,’ for being, well, Salty. He got to the final two and as the show was kind enough to remind us of, got dumped before having to propose, which was nice of Andi. He then strolled into Kaitlyn’s season (so Nick was on Andi’s season, Chris was the next Bachelor, Kaitlyn was third on Chris’ season, and then she became Bachelorette) about half way through, making everyone really mad #itsnotfair #hehasntbeenheretheentiretime and made it to being second runner up AGAIN only to almost get down on one knee before Kaitlyn stopped him.

Then fast forward to Bachelor in Paradise and we get Nick for the third time. If you want to go read my blog posts you can see how Nick (mostly the producers of the show) began to wear on me and I actually began to like him. Hey, we can’t all be salty forever. And really he became quite self aware and funny.

Fast forward again! Nick is the ‘most controversial Bachelor ever,’ mostly because some people still think he’s a salty ass, but let’s see if he really changes or is still salty underneath all those abs.

So let’s meet those ladies! The stand outs include:

Corinne- the first kiss, daughter of a rich daddy with a Nanny. She gives Nick a bag of ‘hug tokens’ and leaves, regrets she doesn’t kiss him, and comes back to shove her tongue down his throat. Fun!

Rachel- the age appropriate lawyer who gets the first impression rose because their first conversation was like, an actual, nice conversation

Alexis- Because I had to, she is the ‘aspiring dolphin trainer’ that showed up in the left shark costume. To give her a sort of break, she’s only 23 so she wasn’t really that old when left shark made his debut as a meme 2 years ago. The internet has dubbed her a ‘Sharpin’ and Nick had enough sense to keep correcting her and saying she was dressed as a shark

Then we have Liz- oh Liz, she was the Maid of Honor at Jade and Tanner’s wedding (remember Jade and Tanner, the pinnacle of Bachelor in Paradise of an actual relationship of people who are just nice and actually still together?!) well Nick was at that wedding. And Nick and Liz ‘hit it off’ and ‘some things went down.’ Wink wink. But then Liz refused to give Nick her number, because well, he hadn’t had his redemption arc on Bachelor in Paradise yet. Well it seems at first that Nick doesn’t really remember Liz with her clothes on when she steps outside the limo but we are reassured later that he does. Liz starts out from being a maybe missed connection to being kind of stalker-y fame grabber-y and a little too intense. But she gets that last damn rose. And we all know she’s going to make some drama.

There’s also a lot of other unremarkable/semi-remarkable girls like the multiple Canadians who speak multiple languages.

Honorable limo entrance mentions:

-The girl that somehow brought Neil Lane

-The girl that sprinted up in tennis shoes and said she didn’t want to be a ‘Runner Up’

Mentions of entrances that scarred my life

-Girl with the hot dog in a box that said ‘You’ll always be a weiner in my book’

-Balls girl

-Girl that spoke in German about boobs for some reason

-Girl on a camel?

But let’s end this post with some New Years’ Resolutions for the girls.

-Go to a marine biology class

-All get rich daddies and nannies

-Wear less red (it was somehow scandalous that a lot of the women showed up in red dresses, I mean it’s not like red is a primary color that looks good on everyone or anything)

-2 drink maximum (hey, everyone needs at least one resolution that they’ll automatically fail at)

-Conversation topics that don’t involve literally telling Nick that your friends all hate him and think he’s an asshole

-Find true love on tv

 

We all know this season is going to be a wild ride so let’s buckle in and wonder if the fact Nick’s finale looks like it takes place in a frozen tundra wasteland is symbolic of anything.

 

The Bachelor S21 E1: Salty, Salty Nick