It’s time for the smackdown of the season!
In one corner we have child Nanny ‘ girl….. Corinneeeeeeee.
In the other corner we have registered counselor who is actually younger than Corinne…TAYLORRRRRRRRRRRRR.
The argument has somehow turned into how Taylor doesn’t say hello to everyone.
Corinne then goes and tells Nick, her main points being that Taylor doesn’t say hello. And is rude. #RIGHTREASONS Taylor is not here for the right reasons. In case you don’t know what these “right reasons” are- that means you are committed to marrying Nick and living happily ever- oh wait. No one actually does that. So it really means whether you are pretending to want to get engaged on national tv and follow it up with a Dancing with the Stars stint.
Now it’s time for the darn rose ceremony that is supposed to happen at the freaking end of the episode. In case you forgot (like I did) the brown hair Danielle, Raven, and Kristina from Russia have roses.
Whitney gets the first rose- she is identical to Astrid, that’s all I know about her
Danielle- she saves those babies
Jasmine- she was a dancer
Rachel- she’s an attorney and one of my favs
Jaimi- she kissed a girl once
Josephine- she fake slapped Nick at the date that one time and has done nothing since
Vanessa- she’s from Canada! Also a fav
Corinne- you all better know who freaking Corinne is
and Taylor gets that last rose because we need the 2-on-1 to happen
I officially know everyone’s name! Except Sarah and her ass just went home, so did Astrid’s.
Time to go to New Orleans! Which has a few more things going for it than Wisconsin…no offense Wisconsin. OMG THERE IS A TWO-ON-ONE DATE THIS WEEK. THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION that has not been shown in 1500 commercials. But first it’s time for Rachel’s one-on-one.
Rachel is adorable and they get to walk around and explore New Orleans. They eat beignets. I’m jealous. Also Nick and Rachel are adorbs. They get to second line through New Orleans- conveniently by the hotel – and then get a private concert because this is the Bachelor. Their dinner takes place in a warehouse full of creepy Mardi Gras floats. They discuss Rachel’s kickass federal judge dad. And Nick discusses how he has already asked two dads for permission to marry their daughters. Which is true. And awkward.
Nick lets Rachel know he is “super into” her. And it’s adorbssss ❤
Group date reveal time! I won’t bother to list the people on the group date because it’s everyone except for Taylor and Corinne. The group date is at a haunted house. ooooOOOOoooOOO The tour guide is named Boo. I’m not kidding. They play with a ouija board to talk to the spirits. It’s not spooky.
We do get the greatest montage of all time, while Corinne says Taylor is high maintenance, she soaks in a bubble bath with some champagne and then orders five million dishes from room service.
BACK TO THE NEVERENDING HORRIBLE HAUNTED HOUSE DATE. It’s so boring there isn’t even anything to blog about. Raven does accidentally tell Nick she loves him, it’s cute. Danielle M (the baby nurse) gets the group date rose. AND THEN IT ENDS THANK GOD NEVERENDING DATE FROM LITERAL HAUNTED HELL.
Time for the 2-on-1 in the bayou! Nothing says romance like a swamp. Is a bayou a swamp? Are they the same? Interchangeable? Who will get the rose? How horrible is Corinne? Will we ever know any answers to these questions?! Obviously there’s nothing to do in the bayou besides voodoo. So let’s do that. Then we have some tarot reading. Corinne somehow ends up with a voodoo doll of Taylor. Taylor is upset about Corinne and doesn’t want Nick’s relationship to be based on #whippedcreamandlies
Corinne gets the damn rose because nothing is fair and 2017 is a mess of a year. Corinne cradles her rose and voodoo doll as she and Nick motorboat into the sunset. Taylor gets to stay in the bayou/swamp. Corinne gets her fancy dinner with Nick.
OH WAIT. TAYLOR ISN’T IN THE SWAMP. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. SHE’S HERE TO CRASH THE DATE AND NOW THE EPISODE IS OVER GODDAMN
Nick cries. Women wear bikinis. DRAMAAAAAA