The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

Off to London! Tea! Scones! British people!

So there are only 10 guys left. Let’s see if I can name them all:

Arie, Jef, Sean, Chris, Doug, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro…….and two others! Oh, guy that I thought was Charlie is one of them, and Wolf is the last one. Five of them haven’t had a one-on-one date, and there are two one-on-one dates this week.

Sean gets the first one! They get a double-decker bus tour. And Sean says it! I think it’s the first time of the season, he’s falling for her!! They also take a selfie with a digital camera before selfies even were a thing, can always count on this show to start the next biggest trend.

So we don’t like Kalon, that’s established. Kalon makes a super great comment on how if you win that every date will be a group date because of Ricki. Which of course isn’t a great way to look at it, and is wrong. But whatever.

Sean and Emily have a great and adorable time. They get to tour London and then have dinner in the Tower of London where Sean is a “prisoner of love.”

The group date is: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon. So Jef gets that other one-on-one

Emily and Sean end their date with a rose and a make out on top of the Tower of London because medieval torture turns everyone on.

The group date goes to the birthplace of Shakespeare where they will perform Romeo and Juliet. But first they have to audition. Arie hates acting. Which is good, because we don’t want him acting out his feelings, we want him to be genuine. Arie gets to be the nurse, he does not really get Shakespeare, or what he’s saying. But he tries…points for trying…?  He gets to wear tight as the nurse. Oh Arie.nurse.jpg

At the cocktail portion of the date Chris is speaking with Kaylon and says that Emily has a lot of baggage. Doug confronts him about it, and Kaylon will not “retract” the statement, he called Ricki baggage. So it’s not just hearsay. It’s legit. Wellll wow Kaylon you suck. Doug tells Emily about it because #singleparentssticktogether.

Emily wants to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Which is like an almost direct Chad quote. Huh, never noticed how similar Chad and Emily are.giphy (1)

Emily and Doug go back to confront Kaylon and Emily does not want to hear it. And she tells Kaylon to get the f*** out.  Emily is not here for this BS. And she is disappointed that none of the men told her about it, which like isn’t really their faults because we don’t like snitches on this show. But Emily is not down for that and no one gets a rose on the date. OH SNAP.

Jef and Emily go to afternoon tea for their date. But it’s not just any tea, it’s some proper English tea and an etiquette lesson. They run away and go to a pub. Jef brings up the Kaylon drama and how if Ricki is baggage then she’s a Chloe handbag (I don’t understand that reference, should be a sign to say no to Jef). They then drink some tea in the London eye and Jef promises to never lie to her, which is a big promise. They could dance all night long in Utah and be the bestest friends ever, blech. He obviously gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Emily is still disappointed in everyone, and lets Arie know that. Arie doesn’t want to spend his time with Emily talking about other people (that’s rational). Emily is still miffed. Honey, you need to get over this.

Sean and Jef already have roses, the next ones go to:


She is definitely punishing him for not telling her about Kaylon, and is obviously most upset about him because she likes Arie the best. Ugh.

Arie gets the last rose, duh. So bye bye to Alejandro who had 2 minutes of total screen time.

They’re going to Croatia next, and this was in 2012 so that was back before it was cool. So let’s get ready for that drama!

The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

OMG there’s a two-on-one this episode. YASSSSSSSs.

Remember how we were staying in Charlotte for Ricki, well we should probably start a worldwide trip in Bermuda right now, because Ricki doesn’t need to go to school or anything. Education is secondary to reality tv fame.

Doug, the only remaining single father gets the first one-on-one.

Sidebar, Alejandro is “one of the only guys to not get a one-on-one,” honey you need some screentime to even be considered, also there’s like literally 10 people who haven’t had one either. Do better.

Doug is like nervous about his date man. So the other dudes decide to push his buttons. It’s just a bunch of dudes having some fun you know, bro.


As Arie points out, Doug is a little like the Hulk. #Dougangry #Dougsmash #greatscreenshotofthefuturebachelor

Doug and Emily get to go shopping. We learn that Doug is a single dad AND started a charity, what that charity is we do not know.

The group date is: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kaylon

So everyone except for generic blonde dude, long haired dude, Alejandro the only ethnic dude, and brown hair dude are going on the group. So two of those four go on that two-on-one.

Emily is worried that Doug is “too perfect” and when she presses him for his flaws, he says he spends too much time with his son. And maybe didn’t wash his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. He asks Emily and her flaws include being stubborn and wearing pajamas all day -gasp- even in public! He gets the rose. He doesn’t want to kiss Emily because this one time his grandpa said don’t kiss a girl unless she lets you know she wants one. Which is great for consent. Not great because Doug is a little dense and not going to make the first move. We’ll see how this works for him in the long run (spoiler, it doesn’t work well).

The group date gets to go on a classic privileged white man date- sailing! To make it even more testosterone filled it’s going to be a race and the winning team gets more time with Emily.

John “Wolf” and Nate are the two-on-one. I think they’re literally only having a two-on-one so they could use the Bermuda Triangle. I literally have no idea who Nate is. And if John didn’t have such a stupid nickname I’d know nothing about him.

So sailing involves lots of cranking…?

Arie’s team was behind first and then they were ahead and this is so intense…not. Arie’s team wins the alone time with Emily.  So that obviously means there is an entire boat of sore losers. Charlie cries in the car ride home? Why?

So the winning team was Ryan, Kaylon, Arie, and Jef. So half douchebags and half top two. Ryan starts by toasting to Emily the trophy wife. Point made.

Arie uses his alone time to let Emily know that he missed her. And to make out.

Jef uses his alone time to let Emily know that he “likes her.” Like likes her? Because he’s 14 and in high school. Emily wants him to open up, and we get no background music. And it’s awkward because he doesn’t kiss her. Probably because he thinks she has cooties.

Ryan is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. What? I can’t even. He then compliments her butt and likes that she goes to the gym. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” Okay Ryan. Go home. It gets better, Ryan doesn’t like how Emily was kissing Arie at the rose ceremony and decides to tell her that.

Jef gets the group date rose, ugh. And then there are fireworks.

The two-on-one is Nate and John. I can’t definitely say this is the lamest two-on-one of all time. But definitely in the top three. I literally know nothing about Nate. There’s not even any drama.

Facts about Nate:

  • He’s 25
  • He’s blonde
  • He had a breakup
  • He’s on Season 8 of the Bachelorette

This is by far the most congenial two-on-one ever. They toast to each other and no one is screaming or storming off or being left in the Badlands. After cliff diving they get to have dinner in a soggy cave.

OH GOD. OH GOD. Nate just asked if this is quinoa. But he pronounced it as Quinn- no- ah.  Instead of \ ˈkēn-ˌwä , kē-ˈnō-ə \ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Back to more facts about Nate. He has parents, and a brother, and friends. He cries about missing his family. Oh Nate.

John talks about how he doesn’t like to have all the attention and wants to get to know Emily more. John gets the rose because he appears to have an actual personality. Nate gets to go home to his family and quinoa.

So to address my doubts about Ricki’s education we get to see that she is studying. Fine, school is tied with reality tv in importance.

Cocktail party time. Ryan is a smooth talking annoying misogynist. No one likes him. And it’s up to Arie to save the day and interrupt their one-on-one time. Emily can see her and Arie sitting on a front porch just chilling. Awww

Ryan is totally here for Emily, but like it this were to not work out, he could totally see himself as the next Bachelor. UGH ICK NO

Sean gets to talk to Emily and even though they haven’t had a one-on-one they are feeling each other.

Chris is hurt that the other dudes think he’s real young (he’s 25) and not ready. Other dudes being Doug. So Chris is going to confront Doug about it. He’s being a “grown ass man” about it. That really proves he’s mature.

Time for the roses! Doug, Jef, and John already have roses this week. And there are 7 roses, so that will be 10 guys staying.

Sidebar: wayyyyyyyyyy too many necklaces Emily, I know you’re in Bermuda but that doesn’t mean you need every damn seashell hanging around your neck.

And the roses go toooooooooo:

  • Sean (future Bachelor)
  • Arie (duh)
  • Travis (I really thought that was Charlie)
  • Chris (he’s so mature)
  • Ryan (no one likes you)
  • Kaylon (was the bad guy before Ryan started talking about trophy wives)
  • Alejandro (wasn’t expecting that)

So the real Charlie and the dude with the ponytail (Michael) are going home. Boi bye.

Pip pip cheerio they’re off to London next week! There’s some drama brewing in England with Ricki so let’s hope it comes to a boil (#badteahumor).

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

Emily starts the episode off by talking with some of her besties at the park. It’s really just a coverup so she can dump Ricki on one of the ladies. Sneaky Emily.

Back to the boys. Chris Harrison explains how the dates work. Ryan gets the first date card.

So we all hate Kalon, but he describes the house the best way I’ve ever heard “It’s like being in a frat house from hell, on steroids.”  Arie also gets a soundbite to say that when Emily wears normal clothes she also looks great. Get you a woman who can do both.

Ryan’s date starts with them going to Emily’s house…to unload groceries. And make cookies. They use a whisk to make chocolate chip cookies, Emily should know better than that. The most exciting date ever continues as Emily delivers the cookies to Ricki’s soccer team and makes Ryan stay in the

Ryan luckily gets another part of the date and gets to go out to dinner with Emily. Two things to establish. Emily pretty much yells everything. “YOU LOOK NICE.” And Ryan is color blind because the dress Emily is wearing is definitely magenta, not red.

There’s a group date with a bunch of dudes, including Jef (ew) but not Arie 😦  Kalon also gets to go and has no worries that the date card mentions a stage, probably because he’s using reality tv as a platform to promote himself.

Back to Ryan’s date, and we get the first awkward concert of the season! He gets the rose because they have such a strong connection.

The group date is a variety show with the muppets! There are three groups: singers, dancers, and a stand up group. The producers do really love to see the men squirm. So Charlie one time fell off a roof and smashed his head in and has trouble with words and reading and is just terrified to do comedy. So he asks to change to another group. AWWWW. It’s adorbs. We can skip recapping the show, because we all know it was going to be painful, not the muppets, all the awkward men.

We get the typical after activity cocktails where the men get to talk to Emily. Emily tells Chris B. that he is so incredibly attractive. Chris doubts that anyone else will have such a strong connection. I don’t think that’s a “connection.”

She’s worried that Jef doesn’t like her because he’s too cool. Maybe she should listen to these signs and boot off his stupid one F too cool attitude!

Joe gets the second one-on-one. Which means no date for Arie 😦

Kalon likes to stir things up. And stirs that pot so well. We gotta have a villain. Jef gets the stupid group date rose. Stupid Jef.

Joe gets to go to West Virginia, where Emily is from, for their date. They go to Greenbrier a giant mansion resort thing that most definitely used to be a slave plantation. Emily got her first makeover there…? I guess that’s a West Virginia tradition. She used to hang out in this giant fancy hotel all the time during her childhood. That’s one nice childhood. They then get to have a fancy dinner at the fancy hotel. Emily tries to ask him some real questions and Joe avoids answering them by just asking them back at her. Oh Joe.

There’s also a #loveclock at this hotel. Because why wouldn’t there be. And you get to write a wish and shove it in the clock and it comes true.


Joe wishes to come back to this ridiculous hotel one day with Emily. Well we all know that the #loveclock is a load of crap. Because Joe’s wish isn’t coming true anytime soon because he’s going home. Emily isn’t messing around and doesn’t have time for Joes that are incapable of answering questions. At least he got dumped in a fancy hotel instead of a field in the middle of nowhere.

Cocktail party time! Arie finally gets some screen time. They talk about how nice Arizona is. And he dated a girl with children before, and he loves kids. OMG he’s so great. Emily is nervous around him, because he’s adorbs.

So Ryan got the first one-on-one date rose. And he’s talking to Emily at the rose ceremony. AND THAT IS NOT OKAY. Let’s all ambush him! So Ryan wrote Emily a letter about how he feels. And Emily reads it. And Tony has now gone to ambush this and is awkwardly standing in the corner while she reads it. I feel so awkward for all of them. It’s 5 years later and I still feel awkward.

After five million years of the longest letter ever, Tony finally has his chance to pull out his trump card and reveal he’s a single dad. Because nothing works quite as well as gunning for a pity rose.

Kalon gets some one-on-one time, he’s an old soul stuck in a young man’s body. His priorities are just different. You know, his helicopter riding priorities, and extravagant money priorities. Sean is intimidated by Kalon’s “vocabulary” and how he uses it to show his dominance…? Kalon and his damn fancy words. Another great quote about Kalon from Wolf “I have a rule, if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, then you’re a ****.” I don’t disagree.

Emily has to send two men home tonight. I really cannot name more than 5 of them. So I would suggest the strategy of eeny meeny miny mo. Or just calling them man #1-#14. Remember, Jef (ugh) and Ryan (whatever) already have roses. Here are the actual names of the men she picks (with my added notes):

  • Kalon (the rich asshole)
  • Arie (the next Bachelor)
  • Michael (he has a ponytail and that’s all I’ve got on him)
  • Nate (generic white dude)
  • Sean (the next Bachelor chronologically)
  • Chris (the reality tv asshole)
  • Doug ( he has the 12ish year old kid)
  • Travis (no idea)
  • Tony (awkwardly stands in rooms and has a kid)
  • John (idk)
  • Alessandro (has a fun name)
  • Charlie (feel off a balcony that one time)
  • Alejandro (almost as fun as of a name as Alessandro)
  • Stevie (he really likes the muppets, I think)

So Aaron (he was wearing glasses) and Kyle (yet another generic white dude) are going home.

It looks like we get an Arie one-on-one next episode so get ready!



The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

Arie Who? The Bachelorette: S8 E1 Recap: Meeting Arie

Let’s all just admit it. When Arie Luyendyk Jr. was announced as the next Bachelor we all scratched our heads trying to remember who the heck he is.

I for one remember him as the racecar driver that one time kissed Emily like this:are.gif

So I was a fan, for obvious reasons. Otherwise Emily’s season is just a blur of her yelling RICKI and not wanting to set a bad example for her daughter. So come along with me on a ride down memory lane so you can fully prepare yourself for the next Bachelor and maybe slightly understand this random casting. This will be an Arie themed recap series which will be my excuse for ignoring/bad mouthing the one ‘F’ Jef who ultimately won. #spoilers #thiswaslike5yearsago #literally

We start the season with Ricki wearing a shirt with her name on it. So now I know how to spell it. Emily’s husband died in a plane crash 😦  OMG EMILY WAS 26 YEARS OLD WHEN THIS AIRED. I FEEL SO OLD. Emily was on Brad’s season and won, but it did not work out. Yup, that Brad that already had a season where he didn’t pick anyone. Let’s just be glad that Arie is the Bachelor and not Brad for round three.

OMG look at baby Chris Harrison!


Let’s meet the men. First is Kalon, I remember him being horrible. Next is Ryan, I don’t remember him. Tony buys and sells plywood, he’s also a parent. Lerone is our token ethnic guy. The next dude is a singer/songwriter #nope. Charlie lived a normal white dude life until he fell of a roof, he’s really overcome so many obstacles in life.

JEF. NO ONE TAKES HIM SERIOUSLY. He skateboards around. He is CEO of a company that still does exist, I googled it. Nothing says ready to be a father quite like Jef. #not #Iamnotbitteraboutitatall

Arie! He’s from Scottsdale, AZ! And is a racecar driver. This is important because Emily’s deceased husband was a racecar driver. Also because it’s a real job that isn’t Dog Enthusiast or Pantsapreneur. At the time of this season Arie was 30.

So the season is in Charlotte so Emily can be close to RICKI. Except when she travels around the world. Emily goes with a really pretty nude, sparkly dress for her big night, I approve.

First out of the limo is Sean. You might remember him since he was the next Bachelor and met Catherine and had a wedding on tv with the theme of “grown up” sexy and now has an adorable baby.

Her other suitors include some single dads, overly excited dudes and then it’s Arie’s turn! He goes with a rational person hello, and hugs her, and then hopes to talk to her later. This is a good sign, no ridiculous gimmicks, I can almost guarantee one of the women on his season is going to show up in a racecar of some sort.

Oh hey, it’s Chris Bukowski! That’s right, the Chris that went on to Bachelor Pad 3, almost was on the Bachelorette on Andi’s season, did Bachelor in Paradise, and Bachelor in Paradise 2! We all have to start our reality tv show stints somewhere.

Jef literally shows up on a skateboard. UGH. He looks and acts like he’s 12.

Other gimmicks include a guy with a boombox (2012 was not that long ago! Boomboxes were not relevant), a guy with a glass slipper, and one dressed as an old lady. One guy brings a giant egg that symbolizes Emily and Ricki and he’s going to take care of it during this journey…I foresee some scrambled eggs in his future. #badeggpun

Kalon shows up in a helicopter, and random man #5 sums it up perfectly: “Whoever this is, we’re all going to hate him.”

Time to mingle. The infamous Chris B. brought bobbleheads, no wonder why the franchise keeps inviting him back.

Jef does have a pretty normal conversation with Emily. BOOO. Never going to be on #teamjef #2FsorBust

So helicopter guy/Kalon is the first obvious bad guy of the season. Nothing like everyone moodily staring at you to solidify your villainy.

Time for Arie. He is legitimately concerned about how he’s a racecar driver and so is her dead husband. Emily is fine with it, and addresses the issue we’re all here for, that Arie would be hot in a racecar. We can only hope that 5 years later he’s just as hot.

The first impression rose goes to the single dad whose children wrote Emily a letter.

She gives the rest of the roses to a bunch of guys that we don’t need to name right now, because obviously Arie gets a rose (and Jef).

Stay tuned for the exciting season of the Bachelorette!

There will be some classic private concerts, competitions, and dramaaaaaa. Keep reading as we follow Arie’s first try at love!

Arie Who? The Bachelorette: S8 E1 Recap: Meeting Arie

Bachelor in Paradise: S4 E9: GRAND FINALE

That’s right, true love is in the making on Bachelor in Paradise! Let’s see how this ends for our couples!

It’s the final day in paradise, which means the couples have to decide if they want to persue these relationships outside of the show. As in no cameras. As in not getting paid to do this. So it’s a real conversation to have. If they do want to try, they get a date with a fantasy suite card.

Lacey and Daniel are first to make the plunge- their motives are definitely more fantasy suite themed.

Derek and Taylor are a no brainer for the date.

Then there’s Christen and Jack Stone. Christen is a virgin but she’s no dummy. she knows what a fantasy suite means. And she isn’t signing up for that, because she’s more of an acquaintance with Jack, you know, because they’ve known each other for 4 days. Jack doesn’t understand how Christen isn’t ready to go live their magical life together. So the serial finger and Scallop Fingers are the first couple to bite the dust.

Everyone acts like this is the most extreme decision ever that they definitely could never change in a week after they’re out of paradise.

Tickle and the Strangler are the next couple to split. Boi bye.

Adam and Raven are a little hesitant, but are going to keep going forward. It’s like a rational way to think about these things.

Diggy can’t wait to see what goes down with Dean and D-Lo, me too, me too. D-Lo is definitely down for the relationship to continue. But let’s remember the other half of this relationship. Dean. Dean who sucks. REALLY REALLY SUCKS. He lets D-Lo know that he loves Kristina, and wants to walk away from paradise separately. Welp, Dean is at least consistent with being a giant douchebag. So let’s just never see or talk about him again.

Diggy and Dominique are up next! And they’re going to go home separately. Impressed by the amount of couples not forcing relationships upon themselves. Oh wait, Diggy isn’t going home with Dominique because Jaimi is here. And that’s who he is picking. But Jaimi isn’t picking him.  So all three of them get to go home alone.

Time for Robby and Amanda. Remember when he threw glowsticks in the pool for her? That’s how you know it’s real. Amanda isn’t really sure though, because remember last year when this exact same thing happened with her and douchebag Josh, and that obviously ended really well. Amanda seems really close into falling back into her old, broken patterns, but she rallies and says no to Robby. YAY!

We have our final three: Derek and Taylor, Adam and Raven, and Lacey and Daniel. I can only guess which of these ends up in an engagement. (Oh wait, I totally know).

Lacey and Daniel are up first, they are on the same page, they want to change their facebook status to “in a relationship.” This is a big step. They obviously take advantage of the fantasy suite.

Derek and Taylor are continuing on their incredibly boring and blah relationship. Still don’t know how Derek stands having to listen to Taylor’s voice all the time.

Adam and Raven use their time to make out and have a deeper connection. But Raven doesn’t want to be vulnerable, bets say she’s going into that suite.

Because we can’t have anything nice, we get a “live” finale with Chris Harrison and the cast. And Corinne. Because let’s talk about this some more. Corinne would love to see DeMario, as if she had a choice. DeMario’s therapist has been his “homie” throughout this process, I can only hope it’s not Taylor. The air has been cleared, we can hopefully move on from this.

But we can’t move back to the actual show. We get to discuss Scallop Fingers because that’s everyone’s top priority. Kristina gets to talk about how much D-Lo sucks, Dean butts in to say it’s all his fault. Which it is, but we’re not falling for your crap Dean.

Dean gets to be in the hot seat, and boy does he like nauseous, maybe because he’s stupid. Kristina is not stupid, and great, and will always have a special place in her heart for him. D-Lo has some info, after they left Dean called her. OH SNAP DEAN. You still suck. He says sorry, don’t believe it, don’t care. Go home Dean.

Amanda and Robby are next. We learn that Amanda ate avocado toast every morning. So they left paradise and were dating, and now they are not dating. The twins say he cheated on her, and Robby disagrees. Amanda calls him out and boy is Robby guilty. But it’s fine because she’s smart enough to not be with him, and can eat pizza again.

It’s finally time to address the final 3 couples. I wonder which ones are still together?!

Daniel and Lacey go first, from the fact that Lacey just came out alone, I’m thinking it didn’t end well. (GASP). Lacey and Daniel were actually friends before the show, I feel so lied to. The past tense Lacey is using, isn’t boding very well. In the fantasy suite Daniel confessed that he wasn’t actually in love. We get to see the actual morning after and it is not pretty. Daniel admits that he was never going to change his facebook status! OMG! He does have a valid reason, that he wasn’t sure if they were going to be a couple after 5 days. But after the show Daniel went to New York to hang out with Lacey, but in reality to hang out with Vinny. So we are 0 for 1 on our first couple.

Adam and Raven come on stage together, I’m hazarding a guess this worked out well. They are totally ready to make it facebook official. They even say the “L” word to each other. AWWWWWWWW. Chris Harrison is just so freaking happy that his show isn’t a total disaster. Raven is going to meet Adam’s family next week, Adam gets to meet Raven’s family right now. Because why not?

It’s time for the last couple- Derek and Taylor! Their love story is so boring no one really cares. Especially with the very thinly veiled innuendos because Taylor got to “take in a lot of Derek” NOPE NOPE NOPE.  Okay fineeeeeee. I’m a sucker for a proposal. And we all knew it would be them. But this is genuine and cute and AWWWWWWWWWW. And there’s even a Neil Lane diamond.

Well there you go, you can find love on Bachelor in Paradise.

Bachelor in Paradise: S4 E9: GRAND FINALE

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E6: Hide from the Tickle Monster

Maybe, if we wish real hard, we’ll get a rose ceremony on this episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

It’s Daniel! He’s Canadian! He has a rose to give out, and there’s a lot of ladies looking for a rose to get. Lacey is very very very excited he is here. Daniel calls her and the other unattached ladies “scraps.” The other ladies being Christen and Jasmine.

We are getting a rose ceremony! I didn’t believe it!

Daniel goes first and gives Lacey his rose (I guess she isn’t total scraps)

Jack Stone and Christen #scallopfingers

Ah! It’s Matt! He came back! He didn’t run away as fast as humanly possible. He gives the rose to Jasmine, so now she doesn’t have to go home. Jasmine is having none of it, except for the rose part.

Derek and Taylor- don’t worry their back to being the boring make out couple of paradise

Robby and Amanda

Diggy and Dominique

Adam and Raven- because duh, Raven is the best, and too good for him

Dean and Kristina

Ben Z and D-Lo- because some producer told him to do that so we could get continued Dean being an idiot.

So Sarah and Alexis (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) are going home.

Dean and Kristina’s relationship really is strong as they play Truth or Dare and Kristina dares Dean to get a boner and he fails.

Paradise is under attack!!! By luchadores! Or as #scallopfingers calls them, sumo wrestlers. It’s a date card for Daniel! And Lacey is really excited. Except Daniel isn’t ready to commit just yet. Lacey doesn’t understand how he isn’t immediately asking her, because she’s ready for a long term relationship. He talks to the ladies but does settle for Lacey.

There’s a new arrival in paradise- Jonathan the tickle monster. Since there really aren’t many other options the ladies have to pretend they’re super excited and interested in him. He goes to talk to Christen and they like kiss within the first 5 minutes. I don’t even know where that came from?! She gets both the date and the tickle.

Daniel and Lacey get a wrestling themed date with some “actual wrestling” and some very shiny outfits. And fringe pants.

So Dean can’t decide between Kristina and D-Lo. In his own words: “Kristina is super smart and deep. D-Lo is really hot.” He wants to keep his options open. And Kristina doesn’t want to be anyone’s option, because she’s really freaking great and Dean sucks.

“Tickle” as we are now calling him and Christen go on their date. They discuss doctoring and babies and board shorts and Superman.

Daniel and Lacey get back from their date and are feeling each other and going to make out and Jasmine interrupts. Jasmine, what are you doing?

Christen and Tickle get back and Jack Stone wants to know how it went. Because Jack Stone wants Christen’s rose. And he makes out with Christen.

So we learn that Kristina and Dean definitely had sex in paradise and then like 3 minutes later Dean and D-Lo are playing around in the pool. Kristina is done with Dean and I agree. Screw him, he sucks. She even says the orphanage is better than paradise. The orphanage in Russia where she ate lipstick to survive.

Well, until next week!

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E6: Hide from the Tickle Monster

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E5: Scallop fingers and Glow Sticks

Time to get back to paradise, Bachelor in Paradise!

We start the episode out by feeding a blindfolded Jack Stone various items. Including a dead, stinky crab. Well they attempt to put the crab in his mouth. Jack Stone proves to not be a total idiot and refuses. Good job Jack.

As Wells points out, Jasmine seems nice and funny. She also seems intense. And strangle-y. This definitely isn’t a premonition for what is going to go down.

Christen is here! I guess she’s a virgin. Jasmine is worried that she is going to take Matt on a date. As she says, no one likes a virgin pina colada. Matt, although, might be on board. Sometimes you need to detox. Christen picks Matt. Matt says yes.

Jasmine is nottttttt happy. She’s not like worried because it’s Christen. Yeah, but actions speak a little louder than words. Except Jasmine wants to add some words to her actions. Christen says she felt that Matt and her had the best connection. Jasmine says it’s fine (it’s not fine) and that she can go run off and be in love together forever. Jasmine really means she wants to choke the “slimy snake.”

Matt and Christen get to go on their date. Which starts with eating chocolate covered bananas. These producers do love a virgin.

So on Nick’s season Christen and Alexis and 6 other people were in a car and Christen had a purse full of scallops…? And ate them? And it smelled. And she smacked Alexis with her scallop fingers giving Alexis scallop shoulder. #scallopfingers

Matt and Christen’s date continues as they try on bathing suits. And then get to drink at a bar. And make out. So that’s not going to end well with Jasmine.

Jasmine is readying herself to go in for the kill.

So Christen/scallop fingers orders some shrimp. And carries around the shrimp. So maybe seafood fingers is a more apt name. Jasmine asks Jack Stone for some advice on how to deal with the situation of Christen/Matt. Jack should probably just run away and hide. Jasmine has a crazy look in her eye but does not end up strangling Matt…yet.

Robby decides to get romantic by cracking a million glow sticks and throwing them in the pool to have a date with Amanda. Amanda thinks Robby (and his glow stick cracking skills) are really nice but isn’t sure she’s feeling it in a romantic way. Maybe because Robby sucks.

So both Sarah and Raven went on dates with Adam. And Sarah wants to know if Adam is feeling it because he needs to decide (WHY IS ADAM IN A LOVE TRIANGLE?!).

Our other love triangle with Dean, Kristina, and DLo. Which at least makes slightly more sense. Dean just doesn’t want to commit because he’s being stupid.

Paradise isn’t perfect, so let’s have some more drama. Taylor and Derek are the “strongest couple.” They were sitting on the giant pillows and Derek sarcastically says “F*** you.” And Taylor flips the f*** out. She doesn’t like the language he is using, which is a valid point. But she doesn’t need to be this outraged. She tells Dominique that her emotional piggy bank is drained. How do you drain an emotional piggy bank? Shouldn’t you just shake it until the coins come out and then smash it?

It’s time for a cocktail party, which means we maybe might get a rose ceremony. All these threesomes need to establish who is going to win the rose, because time is running out. Raven starts by talking to Adam. Adam responds by kissing her. So it seems like she is ahead in the race of Raven vs. Sarah.

But Sarah swoops in to steal Adam away. She wants a real boyfriend, not just a paradise boyfriend (she also wants a rose).  She also gets a kiss.

Moving on to the next love triangle! Diggy, Lacey, and Dominique. Lacey is disappointed and tells Diggy and doesn’t really let Diggy get a word in edge wise. So there goes her rose.

The next love triangle is Dean, Kristina, and DLo. Dean lets Kristina that he considers her feelings before he makes any decisions. Yeahhhh, bullsh*t. He then talks to D-Lo anddddddddd kisses her.

Robby is still trying really hard to get out of the friendzone. He tries by bringing Amanda some hotel slippers. Oh Robby. She just isn’t feeling it. But Robby doesn’t give up and finally gets his kiss. Ick.

Taylor and Derek are trying to work out their giant fight about Derek using the F word. Taylor doesn’t want to be his therapist. Well no, Taylor, you shouldn’t do that. Derek is a genuinely nice human being and apologizes. Yeah, he’s too good for her.

Let’s address the last love triangle (Thank god there aren’t any more). Matt, Christen, and Jasmine! Matt is scared of Jasmine and can’t guarantee that he can give Christen his rose. Jasmine just wants Matt to relax, because he’s the high strung one in this situation. Matt would rather just go home. So he leaves.

A very good move because now he is far away from Jasmine. And Christen who is now crying. As Wells points out, only serial killer Jack Stone is left with his unclaimed rose. So now it’s time for Jasmine to redirect her choking hands towards his neck but she knows she’s not getting the rose. Christen tries too, staring with a line about her virginity. And ending with a make out session.

Chris Harrison brings in a new person before the rose ceremony because they need actual contestants in order for there to be a show. And it is…….CANADIAN DANIEL!

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E5: Scallop fingers and Glow Sticks