The Bachelor S22 E9: It’s going to be a no for me on the sand-filled Fantasy Suite

That’s right people, it’s Fantasy Suite week on The Bachelor!

Only three women are left and the only way to determine which one you want to spend the rest of your life with is to have sex with them back to back to back in a fantasy suite approved by Chris Harrison. So let’s start this fun!

First up is dead animal lover Kendall. They get to go dune buggy-ing and sand surfing or whatever. Have I mentioned we are now in Peru that is somehow half desert and half ocean but we are somehow spending all of the time in the desert? So Kendall is a little behind the other girls because she is not yet ready to throw herself on Arie and his impending Neil Lane ring, she voices this concern but it’s okay, they can still fantasy suite. They wake up and Kendall is reaffirmed in her decision to have sex with Arie, so I guess he can’t be all that boring, and is happy with their status.

Next up is Lauren. Excuse me while I fall asleep from being so bored. They get to look at some actually super cool ruins which of course Lauren ruins by being so incredibly emotionless. They get dinner and Lauren professes her love (uhh still don’t think she’s capable of emotions) and because Arie is Arie he professes it back. It’s still incredibly boring but they get it on and wake up fulfilled.

One last fantasy suite, and if you noticed that this episode is moving a little quickly it’s because we got some hot drama coming up.

Becca and Arie get to go on a boat even though it looks really cold and cloudy. Becca is very down for immediate marriage and engagement and let’s move to boring old Arizona because this needs to happen now. Arie is down for the fact she is capable of more than the 2 words Lauren utters but doesn’t say quite so many words as Kendall. They make out lots. The second part of their date is in a tent in the middle of the desert, literally. This is the fantasy suite. FANTASY SUITE. There is no fantasy here people. You are in the middle of the desert, where is your indoor plumbing? What happens when you have to pee in the middle of the night because you’ve “spent the whole night talking” there are no bathrooms here! And then they wake up and Arie doesn’t even get to cook her breakfast like he did for the other girls because once again- MIDDLE OF DESERT.

We think everything is going peachy keen but there’s a lot of shots of Becca walking back to her hotel room slowly. And we started mentioning her ex a lot this episode. GASP.

HE’S HERE! It’s Ross! They date for 7 years and broke up last year and Ross has spent the entirety of this last year thinking about Becca but waited until she was on tv to go down to Peru to confess his love. Sorry Ross, you’re cute but Becca is saying no to you because she believes she has this in the bag. Also because you maybe could profess your love not on tv, that might add some credibility. Becca runs to Arie afterwards to confirm she is not going to dump him for the younger man with the nicer, not grey hair, and just wants to really emphasize her love for Arie, we get it honey. The random man the producers brought for the drama is not the one you want.

Time for the rose ceremony. Who will go home?!? Arie stands and sighs and then….pulls Kendall aside! This worked for her last time but unfortunately for her and her dead animals it is time for her to go packing. Adios Kendall! So that leaves boring boring Lauren and Becca who just lovesss Arie as our final two. Can’t wait to see who gets that final rose and sparkly ass Neil Lane ring next week!

The Bachelor S22 E9: It’s going to be a no for me on the sand-filled Fantasy Suite

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

There’s only three men left on The Bachelorette…that only means one thing! Chris Harrison inviting Rachel to get it on in the Fantasy Suites!

We start with everyone still in Dallas – because Rachel wants everyone to meet her family and her super preggers sister can’t travel so it’s happening right now!

Peter goes first. They go baby clothes shopping, Peter is pretty good at it.

So since they aren’t going abroad just yet, this means the men are not separated. Which means that Bryan can be a gossip whore. He’s bad mouthing Peter because Peter said he might not put a ring on it.

Peter wants Rachel to know how he feels, he means the world to her. And he finally says it. HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. SHE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM. YASSSSS.

Peter gets to meet Rachel’s family which includes her sister, Mom, Uncle, Aunt, and her Dad isn’t there because he’s off being intimidating.  Peter’s parents got married after a month and have been married for 36 years. It’s almost like fate!

Rachel talks to her hella pregger sister who is skeptical. Because remember last time Nick met her family and we all know how that ended up. Rachel talks to her mom about her doubts as well.

So Rachel’s mom goes straight for the jugular and asks Peter if he’s going to propose. And Peter still isn’t sure (goddamn Peter). And he’s not going to ask for permission to marry Rachel because he’s not sure. And her mom appreciates this. BUT I DO NOT. It was a nice family meeting but come on Peter, make a commitment. This is a show about getting married on national tv! Get with the program! (literally).

Eric is next. They look at the skyline and stuff.

Ugh Bryan and Peter talk and Bryan continues to be annoying and stirring the pot.

Back to Eric, in case he hasn’t already mentioned it 15 million times, he’s never done this before. Does this mean dating someone on reality tv? Or just meeting someone’s family? We’ll never know!! (It’s meeting someone’s family).

Eric lets everyone know he didn’t come from a typical family. And that family means a lot to him. Constance, Rachel’s sister, is a little dubious of Eric. Because remember that one time that Eric never loved anyone or met anyone’s family ever etc., etc. Eric wants a family and a wife and blah blah blah.

But Eric goes in for the kill, and asks for Rachel’s hand in marriage. She says yes but like not outright- more like if Rachel decides that she would want to pick you then you could propose.

Bryan’s turn. Ugh. He gets to have brunch with some girlfriends. Bryan doesn’t deserve bottomless mimosas. Rachel tells her friends she thought Bryan was a douchebag. RACHEL YOU ARE A SMART LADY. YOU KNOW BEST. UGH.

Time for Bryan to meet the family. Rachel’s mom isn’t stupid. She asks Bryan about his weird super clingy mom. And Bryan reluctantly ranks his future wife over his mom. Bryan then says Rachel was his girlfriend after a week. Constance isn’t hearing this BS.

The family keeps asking questions to the point that Bryan asks to be excused. If you can’t handle the heat GO HOME RIGHT NOW. Rachel’s family remind her of the fact she’s been living in a literal bubble and that maybe she needs to look at Bryan from a different perspective AKA he’s a douchebag. She’s really defensive of him.

Rachel’s mom has some red flags. It’s because Bryan is just throwing around the word love and like how it happened in 5 seconds. Remember Peter and the fact he wants more time. Like a rational person.

Bryan of course has to ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s mom says not everything can be perfect, so Bryan and Rachel can’t just skip off into the sunset. But she gives Bryan permission because she is a great mom and trusts her daughter. Rachel’s mom is the best. Bryan is not the best.

TIME TO TAKE THIS LOVE SHOW ON THE ROAD. Did you know that Spain is the perfect place to fall in love?! (By Spain I mean literally every country the finale happens in).

Here are my recaps of Rachel’s recaps of the men:

Bryan said I love you first.

Peter makes Rachel believe in the journey and doesn’t want to propose just yet

And Eric is just there.

So Eric gets to go first. Because we won’t remember his date by the end of this episode. They go on a helicopter ride. I really feel like we haven’t had that many this season. I’m feeling jipped.  The climb a mountain and ring a wish granting bell.

Now it’s nighttime….and that only means one thing…FANTASY SUITES. Rachel needs to dive deeper before she just willy-nilly gives out room keys from Chris Harrison. She makes him talk about his feelings for her. And here we go, official “I love you” from Eric! And nothing gets you a fantasy suite invite quite like some lovin’. Eric says yes because he isn’t stupid.

Time for the next morning-obvious-we-had-sex-rumpled-bed. They did it. And now we’re moving on.


They get to talk to an adorable old Spanish man about his wine cave. He sings to Rachel. It’s incredibly awkward but I love a little old man so it’s adorable. Peter lets Rachel know that he takes engagements SUPER seriously. Like he means it if they get engaged. Unlike everyone else that has ever been on this show. A random little girl interrupts this conversation so Rachel and Peter get to make out in the tub of grapes that get stomped into wine. Thank you little girl.

Peter’s family has an adorbs family tradition of saving a cork from special occasions with a memory on it and it’s so cute and imma steal this tradition. Rachel has to bring the conversation back around to the engagement. Rachel is a little more loose in her ideas of engagement while Peter, if he is going to commit, is going to commit.  COMMIT PETER.

And Peter doesn’t know how to compromise on this issue. AHHHGHHHH. NOOO NOOO. And Rachel doesn’t know what to do. Hand him the damn fantasy suite card and get on with being in love with each other forever.

Next week is Men Tell All. Urgh.

But in two weeks we get the finale where Peter better not mess things up!! If he even gets to the finale!? This might actually be the most dramatic season ever.


The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

The Bachelor S21 E9 Part 1: Whose fantasy is this?

This week’s episode is only 1 hour for some reason, which means next week is 3 HOURS LONG.

It’s ANDIIIIIIII! In case you don’t know Andi was how Nick first started on his journey to love. He was in her top two. But like omg what is she doing here??! This isn’t planned at all. They have a great heart to heart. Which involves Andi straight out asking if he is planning on having sex with them. Nick pretends he doesn’t know. HAHAHA YEAH RIGHT. Nick is so confident in the process after their great heart to heart.

And of course because this season is so freaking ridiculous we get in the ‘coming up’ section that Raven is going to Finland AND she has never had an orgasm. This is such a quality show.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Remember these, they’re supposed to happen at the end of the episode each week but Nick doesn’t follow any rules so we haven’t had one in forever.

Raven gets the first rose which oh wait we already knew. Then Rachel, who as we all know is the Bachelorette so like, when does she actually go home? And finally………VANESSA. BUH BYE CORINNE. NICE KNOWING YOU. And sincerely nice knowing your nanny, Raquel.

Corinne has learned her lesson and will never kiss up to a man again. Well good for you Corinne. Good luck on your journey in love that will definitely include Bachelor in Paradise.

Now it’s time to go to…………..Finland…? No offense Finland but there’s definitely been better finale locations. I’m sure you’re great but I kind of want more than a few hours of sunlight a day.

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite date.  They get to have a nice helicopter ride. They go to a bar. And Raven is scared of saying I love you. And the sex, because she’s never had an orgasm. Which I didn’t need to know. Their date continues as Nick wears a ridiculous turtleneck sweater and talks to Raven in the candlelight. Raven takes 10 of this hour long episode’s minutes to declare her love for Nick. But it’s cute because Raven is cute. She super eagerly accepts the Fantasy Suite invite. But gives Nick two things to think of- she’s only been with one man, her ex, and he never made her orgasm. Because it’s 2017 and we should be direct and to the point with what we want as women. And we know what Raven wants.

Next week:


Do we find out if Raven is ‘satisified’??? Rachel will probably not win since she’s the bachelorette. And Vanessa wears a cute one piece bathing suit.

And then it’s women tell all where we dredge up drama that didn’t happen! And discuss Corinne. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO #cheesepasta #platinumvagine

The Bachelor S21 E9 Part 1: Whose fantasy is this?