The Bachelorette S14 E5: No more Danke Schoen or golden underwear

We’re in Vegas this week so it’s time to take a gamble on love! We can stop the gambling references here, and by that I mean every other sentence seems like it will be a pun or reference.

Colton gets the first one-on-one of the week. Hopefully he’s not actually the two-on-one with Tia showing up. Their date is riding camels…because that’s what you do in Vegas? We get the first oddly placed hot tub of the season – in the middle of a camel field in the middle of Vegas. We get to Colton’s backstory and he has only been in love once and was broken up with.

The group date is Wills, Garret, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. Which meanssssssssssss Chicken David and Model Jordan are on the 2-on-1. Say what you will but the producers give us what we want.

Back to Colton and how he and Becca have already overcome sooooooo many obstacles. Like that one time Colton hooked up with Tia 5 months and then told Becca about it. He obviously gets the rose. And he does it, he says it, he’s falling in love with Becca.

On the group date they get to hang out with Wayne Newton (?). I guess he sings, he does have the entirety of all the Botox in the world in his face. And the guys have to write songs for her. Chris already had to do this exact thing on his one-on-one date so he’s an old pro for this. And of course the guys have to all perform for a live audience. Which means we have to watch too. #whyyyyy Nothing like 5,000 horrible renditions of Danke Schoen.

Chris decides to just go for it and once again already had to do this once and did a passably good job and made up for the utter lack of pitch with some enthusiasm.

David and Jordan officially get their 2-on-1 date card. Lots of posturing happening here.

Back to the group date, Chris is realllllllly confident in himself. And dude whose name I don’t know confesses that he is falling in love with Becca. Idk he’s generically white. Oh wait his name is Blake and he gets the group date rose. Becca isn’t messing around with dudes not confessing how they are falling. Chris internalizes the fact he didn’t get the rose and also didn’t get much alone time and says he must be going home. Calm down Chris, calm downnn.

Time for our two-on-one and it’s in the middle of the desert. YASSS. I’d personally send them both home. David starts out strong by spending his alone time by talking about Jordan. David feels great about this conversation, oh David. He says that Jordan was walking around talking about how he could marry models but is going to settle with Becca. Jordan dismisses this and then launches into his sob story. His mom has multiple mental illnesses but his dad still loves her. Are we going to get a Dean hometown part 2? #pleaseno. Jordan’s greatest power is being Jordan, that is not David’s greatest power. Becca feels like she is back in 6th grade. I agree Becca. Send them homeeeeeeeeeee. She sends David home but isn’t necessarily giving Jordan that rose just yet.

Now Jordan gets a one-on-one pretty much for the rest of the date with dinner with Becca. They get really deep and we find out that Becca goes to brunch on Sundays. And Jordan puts a lot of effort into his appearance with the gym and skincare. He shows off how he can move like any muscle in his face and wishes if he only had his portfolio to show Becca. And because Becca is great, she isn’t giving the rose to Jordan either. Even his facial muscles cannot save the date.

Jordan takes it well by listing all of his accomplishments: he can speak, he can walk. He’ll be doing those things at home from now on.

I’m just going to say it- I have not liked any of Becca’s rose ceremony dresses so far.

Becca grabs Chris first because Chris has been on the complain train of not getting any alone time. Chris starts with the fact that Becca owes him 50,000 kisses. NOPE. Becca needs someone who is a partner and will be there to split it 50/50. Not 50,000/0.

Chris doesn’t want it to end badly and goes to steal Becca away from Wills and Wills gives him 2 minutes, but 2 minutes exactly. He is not messing around. And he doesn’t back down even while Chris awkwardly refuses to leave. And then Chris and Wills return to the other guys and we establish that Chris sucks some more as he argues with everyone.

Chris gets that alone time though to say he is falling for Becca but is a little scared. He is just putting himself out there and stuff.

Time for some rosesssssss. Remember Blake and Colton already have theirs.

Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, some other dudes I missed, anddddddd the last rose goes to Chris. Boo.

That means John of internet Venmo fame goes home.

Time for a change of scenery, time for somewhere super fun….Richmond, Virginia!

The Bachelorette S14 E5: No more Danke Schoen or golden underwear

The Bachelorette S14 E3: Let’s not get injured

Okay let’s not waste any time!

There’s a literal storm a brewing and it’s raining and we need some drama.

The first group date is a spa with some relaxing, so obviously we need to bring Tia in so we can address the Colton/Tia hookup drama. Tia talks about how like how could she ever know that Colton would get on the show and Colton is like really concerned about his relationship progressing. And the guys paint a lot of nails. And of course a few got theirs painted as well #soprogessive

The second half is pretty lame but we learn that Jordan has 1,000 Tinder matches, which is like a lot. But this somehow turns into 4,000 matches which is just physically impossible. And Jordan isn’t messing around, he is professionality. And don’t try to red underline squiggly me, that’s now a word.

Chris gets the one-on-one for this episode.

We leave the Tinder drama to go back to Colton one time had sex with Tia drama. He is totally here for her and allllllllllllll of the right reasons. So we just accept that and move on to making out with him. He also scores the group rose so it’s definitely his day.

It’s still raining and time for Chris’ date and there is much music. And it is realllllllll awkward as the famous dude (who I learned is Richard Marx) plays the piano and then stops singing making Becca and Chris pick up the words horribly. And then they have to write their love song. Chris’ face definitely fell when he heard that and it’s like really hard to be vulnerable and write a random song that means nothing.

And then this one time Trump met Kim Jung-Un and interrupted my show for like a long time.

BUT BACK TO THE REAL BUSINESS. Chris’ parents like got divorced and it’s hard to be vulnerable but don’t worry he gets the rose. And don’t worry, the super awkward composer dude is here to sing his one song as they awkwardly dance.

BUT NEVERMIND ABOUT THAT THE AMBULANCE IS HERE.  So last night David went to the hospital and went to intensive care. He literally fell out of bed and onto his face. THIS IS GOLD. Becca calls to confirm he isn’t dead, just stupid.

Time for the group date, it’s #sportsball themed! Let’s play football. Good thing Clay was a football dude. They literally do drills. Like literally running and exercise stuff. Just another reason to not understand #sports.  Omg but Clay got injured while showing that he is a real football dude and has to go to the hospital (notice how he is going to the hospital not because he fell out of bed onto his face *cough cough David*)

During the second part of the date Garrett is adorbs and his internet history still sucks (WHYYY) and Becca makes out with a lotttttta guys. Clay comes back and he has a sling and a sense of humor because he got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette. Becca is definitely into slings and Clay gets the rose (yay!).

Time for the cocktail party, we learn that Clay’s doctor says that he needs to go get surgery to fix his wrist. And he has to go do that now. Noooooooooooooooooo. NOoooooooooooo not Clay. 😦

And we have the first cliffhanger of the season BECAUSE OF COURSE WE DO. But David and his broken face are back so that should be fun.



The Bachelorette S14 E3: Let’s not get injured

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

OMG there’s a two-on-one this episode. YASSSSSSSs.

Remember how we were staying in Charlotte for Ricki, well we should probably start a worldwide trip in Bermuda right now, because Ricki doesn’t need to go to school or anything. Education is secondary to reality tv fame.

Doug, the only remaining single father gets the first one-on-one.

Sidebar, Alejandro is “one of the only guys to not get a one-on-one,” honey you need some screentime to even be considered, also there’s like literally 10 people who haven’t had one either. Do better.

Doug is like nervous about his date man. So the other dudes decide to push his buttons. It’s just a bunch of dudes having some fun you know, bro.


As Arie points out, Doug is a little like the Hulk. #Dougangry #Dougsmash #greatscreenshotofthefuturebachelor

Doug and Emily get to go shopping. We learn that Doug is a single dad AND started a charity, what that charity is we do not know.

The group date is: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kaylon

So everyone except for generic blonde dude, long haired dude, Alejandro the only ethnic dude, and brown hair dude are going on the group. So two of those four go on that two-on-one.

Emily is worried that Doug is “too perfect” and when she presses him for his flaws, he says he spends too much time with his son. And maybe didn’t wash his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. He asks Emily and her flaws include being stubborn and wearing pajamas all day -gasp- even in public! He gets the rose. He doesn’t want to kiss Emily because this one time his grandpa said don’t kiss a girl unless she lets you know she wants one. Which is great for consent. Not great because Doug is a little dense and not going to make the first move. We’ll see how this works for him in the long run (spoiler, it doesn’t work well).

The group date gets to go on a classic privileged white man date- sailing! To make it even more testosterone filled it’s going to be a race and the winning team gets more time with Emily.

John “Wolf” and Nate are the two-on-one. I think they’re literally only having a two-on-one so they could use the Bermuda Triangle. I literally have no idea who Nate is. And if John didn’t have such a stupid nickname I’d know nothing about him.

So sailing involves lots of cranking…?

Arie’s team was behind first and then they were ahead and this is so intense…not. Arie’s team wins the alone time with Emily.  So that obviously means there is an entire boat of sore losers. Charlie cries in the car ride home? Why?

So the winning team was Ryan, Kaylon, Arie, and Jef. So half douchebags and half top two. Ryan starts by toasting to Emily the trophy wife. Point made.

Arie uses his alone time to let Emily know that he missed her. And to make out.

Jef uses his alone time to let Emily know that he “likes her.” Like likes her? Because he’s 14 and in high school. Emily wants him to open up, and we get no background music. And it’s awkward because he doesn’t kiss her. Probably because he thinks she has cooties.

Ryan is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. What? I can’t even. He then compliments her butt and likes that she goes to the gym. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” Okay Ryan. Go home. It gets better, Ryan doesn’t like how Emily was kissing Arie at the rose ceremony and decides to tell her that.

Jef gets the group date rose, ugh. And then there are fireworks.

The two-on-one is Nate and John. I can’t definitely say this is the lamest two-on-one of all time. But definitely in the top three. I literally know nothing about Nate. There’s not even any drama.

Facts about Nate:

  • He’s 25
  • He’s blonde
  • He had a breakup
  • He’s on Season 8 of the Bachelorette

This is by far the most congenial two-on-one ever. They toast to each other and no one is screaming or storming off or being left in the Badlands. After cliff diving they get to have dinner in a soggy cave.

OH GOD. OH GOD. Nate just asked if this is quinoa. But he pronounced it as Quinn- no- ah.  Instead of \ ˈkēn-ˌwä , kē-ˈnō-ə \ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Back to more facts about Nate. He has parents, and a brother, and friends. He cries about missing his family. Oh Nate.

John talks about how he doesn’t like to have all the attention and wants to get to know Emily more. John gets the rose because he appears to have an actual personality. Nate gets to go home to his family and quinoa.

So to address my doubts about Ricki’s education we get to see that she is studying. Fine, school is tied with reality tv in importance.

Cocktail party time. Ryan is a smooth talking annoying misogynist. No one likes him. And it’s up to Arie to save the day and interrupt their one-on-one time. Emily can see her and Arie sitting on a front porch just chilling. Awww

Ryan is totally here for Emily, but like it this were to not work out, he could totally see himself as the next Bachelor. UGH ICK NO

Sean gets to talk to Emily and even though they haven’t had a one-on-one they are feeling each other.

Chris is hurt that the other dudes think he’s real young (he’s 25) and not ready. Other dudes being Doug. So Chris is going to confront Doug about it. He’s being a “grown ass man” about it. That really proves he’s mature.

Time for the roses! Doug, Jef, and John already have roses this week. And there are 7 roses, so that will be 10 guys staying.

Sidebar: wayyyyyyyyyy too many necklaces Emily, I know you’re in Bermuda but that doesn’t mean you need every damn seashell hanging around your neck.

And the roses go toooooooooo:

  • Sean (future Bachelor)
  • Arie (duh)
  • Travis (I really thought that was Charlie)
  • Chris (he’s so mature)
  • Ryan (no one likes you)
  • Kaylon (was the bad guy before Ryan started talking about trophy wives)
  • Alejandro (wasn’t expecting that)

So the real Charlie and the dude with the ponytail (Michael) are going home. Boi bye.

Pip pip cheerio they’re off to London next week! There’s some drama brewing in England with Ricki so let’s hope it comes to a boil (#badteahumor).

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

Emily starts the episode off by talking with some of her besties at the park. It’s really just a coverup so she can dump Ricki on one of the ladies. Sneaky Emily.

Back to the boys. Chris Harrison explains how the dates work. Ryan gets the first date card.

So we all hate Kalon, but he describes the house the best way I’ve ever heard “It’s like being in a frat house from hell, on steroids.”  Arie also gets a soundbite to say that when Emily wears normal clothes she also looks great. Get you a woman who can do both.

Ryan’s date starts with them going to Emily’s house…to unload groceries. And make cookies. They use a whisk to make chocolate chip cookies, Emily should know better than that. The most exciting date ever continues as Emily delivers the cookies to Ricki’s soccer team and makes Ryan stay in the

Ryan luckily gets another part of the date and gets to go out to dinner with Emily. Two things to establish. Emily pretty much yells everything. “YOU LOOK NICE.” And Ryan is color blind because the dress Emily is wearing is definitely magenta, not red.

There’s a group date with a bunch of dudes, including Jef (ew) but not Arie 😦  Kalon also gets to go and has no worries that the date card mentions a stage, probably because he’s using reality tv as a platform to promote himself.

Back to Ryan’s date, and we get the first awkward concert of the season! He gets the rose because they have such a strong connection.

The group date is a variety show with the muppets! There are three groups: singers, dancers, and a stand up group. The producers do really love to see the men squirm. So Charlie one time fell off a roof and smashed his head in and has trouble with words and reading and is just terrified to do comedy. So he asks to change to another group. AWWWW. It’s adorbs. We can skip recapping the show, because we all know it was going to be painful, not the muppets, all the awkward men.

We get the typical after activity cocktails where the men get to talk to Emily. Emily tells Chris B. that he is so incredibly attractive. Chris doubts that anyone else will have such a strong connection. I don’t think that’s a “connection.”

She’s worried that Jef doesn’t like her because he’s too cool. Maybe she should listen to these signs and boot off his stupid one F too cool attitude!

Joe gets the second one-on-one. Which means no date for Arie 😦

Kalon likes to stir things up. And stirs that pot so well. We gotta have a villain. Jef gets the stupid group date rose. Stupid Jef.

Joe gets to go to West Virginia, where Emily is from, for their date. They go to Greenbrier a giant mansion resort thing that most definitely used to be a slave plantation. Emily got her first makeover there…? I guess that’s a West Virginia tradition. She used to hang out in this giant fancy hotel all the time during her childhood. That’s one nice childhood. They then get to have a fancy dinner at the fancy hotel. Emily tries to ask him some real questions and Joe avoids answering them by just asking them back at her. Oh Joe.

There’s also a #loveclock at this hotel. Because why wouldn’t there be. And you get to write a wish and shove it in the clock and it comes true.


Joe wishes to come back to this ridiculous hotel one day with Emily. Well we all know that the #loveclock is a load of crap. Because Joe’s wish isn’t coming true anytime soon because he’s going home. Emily isn’t messing around and doesn’t have time for Joes that are incapable of answering questions. At least he got dumped in a fancy hotel instead of a field in the middle of nowhere.

Cocktail party time! Arie finally gets some screen time. They talk about how nice Arizona is. And he dated a girl with children before, and he loves kids. OMG he’s so great. Emily is nervous around him, because he’s adorbs.

So Ryan got the first one-on-one date rose. And he’s talking to Emily at the rose ceremony. AND THAT IS NOT OKAY. Let’s all ambush him! So Ryan wrote Emily a letter about how he feels. And Emily reads it. And Tony has now gone to ambush this and is awkwardly standing in the corner while she reads it. I feel so awkward for all of them. It’s 5 years later and I still feel awkward.

After five million years of the longest letter ever, Tony finally has his chance to pull out his trump card and reveal he’s a single dad. Because nothing works quite as well as gunning for a pity rose.

Kalon gets some one-on-one time, he’s an old soul stuck in a young man’s body. His priorities are just different. You know, his helicopter riding priorities, and extravagant money priorities. Sean is intimidated by Kalon’s “vocabulary” and how he uses it to show his dominance…? Kalon and his damn fancy words. Another great quote about Kalon from Wolf “I have a rule, if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, then you’re a ****.” I don’t disagree.

Emily has to send two men home tonight. I really cannot name more than 5 of them. So I would suggest the strategy of eeny meeny miny mo. Or just calling them man #1-#14. Remember, Jef (ugh) and Ryan (whatever) already have roses. Here are the actual names of the men she picks (with my added notes):

  • Kalon (the rich asshole)
  • Arie (the next Bachelor)
  • Michael (he has a ponytail and that’s all I’ve got on him)
  • Nate (generic white dude)
  • Sean (the next Bachelor chronologically)
  • Chris (the reality tv asshole)
  • Doug ( he has the 12ish year old kid)
  • Travis (no idea)
  • Tony (awkwardly stands in rooms and has a kid)
  • John (idk)
  • Alessandro (has a fun name)
  • Charlie (feel off a balcony that one time)
  • Alejandro (almost as fun as of a name as Alessandro)
  • Stevie (he really likes the muppets, I think)

So Aaron (he was wearing glasses) and Kyle (yet another generic white dude) are going home.

It looks like we get an Arie one-on-one next episode so get ready!



The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH


Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.

To remind you- we have the top three.

Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.

Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.

And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.

Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.

More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.

And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.

But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.

They wake up happy. Ugh.

Now time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs

Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.

Back to the actual show.

Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?

Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up.  They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!

Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.

Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.


They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦

Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.

Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.

So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.

And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.

And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

There’s only three men left on The Bachelorette…that only means one thing! Chris Harrison inviting Rachel to get it on in the Fantasy Suites!

We start with everyone still in Dallas – because Rachel wants everyone to meet her family and her super preggers sister can’t travel so it’s happening right now!

Peter goes first. They go baby clothes shopping, Peter is pretty good at it.

So since they aren’t going abroad just yet, this means the men are not separated. Which means that Bryan can be a gossip whore. He’s bad mouthing Peter because Peter said he might not put a ring on it.

Peter wants Rachel to know how he feels, he means the world to her. And he finally says it. HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. SHE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM. YASSSSS.

Peter gets to meet Rachel’s family which includes her sister, Mom, Uncle, Aunt, and her Dad isn’t there because he’s off being intimidating.  Peter’s parents got married after a month and have been married for 36 years. It’s almost like fate!

Rachel talks to her hella pregger sister who is skeptical. Because remember last time Nick met her family and we all know how that ended up. Rachel talks to her mom about her doubts as well.

So Rachel’s mom goes straight for the jugular and asks Peter if he’s going to propose. And Peter still isn’t sure (goddamn Peter). And he’s not going to ask for permission to marry Rachel because he’s not sure. And her mom appreciates this. BUT I DO NOT. It was a nice family meeting but come on Peter, make a commitment. This is a show about getting married on national tv! Get with the program! (literally).

Eric is next. They look at the skyline and stuff.

Ugh Bryan and Peter talk and Bryan continues to be annoying and stirring the pot.

Back to Eric, in case he hasn’t already mentioned it 15 million times, he’s never done this before. Does this mean dating someone on reality tv? Or just meeting someone’s family? We’ll never know!! (It’s meeting someone’s family).

Eric lets everyone know he didn’t come from a typical family. And that family means a lot to him. Constance, Rachel’s sister, is a little dubious of Eric. Because remember that one time that Eric never loved anyone or met anyone’s family ever etc., etc. Eric wants a family and a wife and blah blah blah.

But Eric goes in for the kill, and asks for Rachel’s hand in marriage. She says yes but like not outright- more like if Rachel decides that she would want to pick you then you could propose.

Bryan’s turn. Ugh. He gets to have brunch with some girlfriends. Bryan doesn’t deserve bottomless mimosas. Rachel tells her friends she thought Bryan was a douchebag. RACHEL YOU ARE A SMART LADY. YOU KNOW BEST. UGH.

Time for Bryan to meet the family. Rachel’s mom isn’t stupid. She asks Bryan about his weird super clingy mom. And Bryan reluctantly ranks his future wife over his mom. Bryan then says Rachel was his girlfriend after a week. Constance isn’t hearing this BS.

The family keeps asking questions to the point that Bryan asks to be excused. If you can’t handle the heat GO HOME RIGHT NOW. Rachel’s family remind her of the fact she’s been living in a literal bubble and that maybe she needs to look at Bryan from a different perspective AKA he’s a douchebag. She’s really defensive of him.

Rachel’s mom has some red flags. It’s because Bryan is just throwing around the word love and like how it happened in 5 seconds. Remember Peter and the fact he wants more time. Like a rational person.

Bryan of course has to ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s mom says not everything can be perfect, so Bryan and Rachel can’t just skip off into the sunset. But she gives Bryan permission because she is a great mom and trusts her daughter. Rachel’s mom is the best. Bryan is not the best.

TIME TO TAKE THIS LOVE SHOW ON THE ROAD. Did you know that Spain is the perfect place to fall in love?! (By Spain I mean literally every country the finale happens in).

Here are my recaps of Rachel’s recaps of the men:

Bryan said I love you first.

Peter makes Rachel believe in the journey and doesn’t want to propose just yet

And Eric is just there.

So Eric gets to go first. Because we won’t remember his date by the end of this episode. They go on a helicopter ride. I really feel like we haven’t had that many this season. I’m feeling jipped.  The climb a mountain and ring a wish granting bell.

Now it’s nighttime….and that only means one thing…FANTASY SUITES. Rachel needs to dive deeper before she just willy-nilly gives out room keys from Chris Harrison. She makes him talk about his feelings for her. And here we go, official “I love you” from Eric! And nothing gets you a fantasy suite invite quite like some lovin’. Eric says yes because he isn’t stupid.

Time for the next morning-obvious-we-had-sex-rumpled-bed. They did it. And now we’re moving on.


They get to talk to an adorable old Spanish man about his wine cave. He sings to Rachel. It’s incredibly awkward but I love a little old man so it’s adorable. Peter lets Rachel know that he takes engagements SUPER seriously. Like he means it if they get engaged. Unlike everyone else that has ever been on this show. A random little girl interrupts this conversation so Rachel and Peter get to make out in the tub of grapes that get stomped into wine. Thank you little girl.

Peter’s family has an adorbs family tradition of saving a cork from special occasions with a memory on it and it’s so cute and imma steal this tradition. Rachel has to bring the conversation back around to the engagement. Rachel is a little more loose in her ideas of engagement while Peter, if he is going to commit, is going to commit.  COMMIT PETER.

And Peter doesn’t know how to compromise on this issue. AHHHGHHHH. NOOO NOOO. And Rachel doesn’t know what to do. Hand him the damn fantasy suite card and get on with being in love with each other forever.

Next week is Men Tell All. Urgh.

But in two weeks we get the finale where Peter better not mess things up!! If he even gets to the finale!? This might actually be the most dramatic season ever.


The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??

This week, on The Bachelorette….

There are six dudes left.

Bryan- the 37 year old chiropractor that eats Rachel’s face

Peter- <33333333

Eric- he’s the last black guy

Adam- he has a creepy ass doll #AJforever

Matt- he’s a crappier version of Alex #RIPAlex

and Dean, baby face, actual baby Dean.

So there’s no rose ceremony this week- just 3 one-on-ones and one three-on-one.  Rachel is just mixing things up!

Bryan gets the first one-on-one. He is a front runner with Peter. But since he’s not Peter I don’t like him that much. They drive a fancy car and go to a fancy watch store because #swiss. She pulls a Corinne and buys Bryan’s love with a watch. They have a very nice time and Bryan continues to fail at kissing.

Dean gets the next one-on-one. Adam is mad he hasn’t had one, because like he has never talked to Rachel and isn’t sure he wants to bring her home since they like don’t talk. That is a rational thought Adam. Good for you.

We finally get to learn some info about Bryan- he had an earring. He likes school girl uniforms. Bryan had a girlfriend on a beach. It didn’t work out. But don’t worry, he’s getting a rose and Rachel’s getting to meet his family.

Dean and Rachel are going to church! A Catholic church! In French! Yupppp. After church they get to wander around. Dean is concerned because he has an awkward family dynamic. Remember that one time we didn’t get to meet famous #sportsball player Aaron Rodgers? How could Dean’s family be worse than that. Rachel wants Dean to open up and Dean goes with asking about the tooth fairy and dinosaurs. I love me some dinosaurs, but not the time or place honey.

The last one-on-one goes to Peter. YAY.

Eric is not an idiot and realizes the three one-on-ones are the top three and that the three losers on the silly three-on-one are tied for last.

Dean manages to get past his pension for dinosaurs and owns up to Rachel that his family isn’t ideal. After his mom died, his dad got a little eccentric, and he’s honest and adorable. Which makes everything much less awkward so he gets the rose. Still not going to win, but good try Dean.

It’s time for Peter’s date. GET READY FOR THE LOVEEEE. They go in a helicopter and then a dog sled. Sorry I can’t hear you over how perfect they are together. Peter is having some doubts because he’s a rational person and doesn’t actually enjoy dating someone who is dating 15 other people. Peter remains adorable and insists that everyone will love Rachel.

Okay Peter, let’s stop for a moment. Your sob story isn’t really a sob story. This one time you drove away from someone you broke up with amicably.  Get over it.

But let’s get back on the Peter train because he’s getting a rose (obviously). <3333

Time for the three-on-one. Literally no one knows who these guys even are. They at least get to go to France. Which coincidentally is AJ’s hometown. Everyone is obviously gunning for the rose. Everyone should obviously go home. They all say hokey things- blah blah blah.

Rachel begins to cry and tells Matt he reminds her of herself…? She needed an excuse to send him home and just sends him packing mid way through the date. He at least takes his champagne on his long car ride home. Now that’s an exit.

Time for this horrible date to continue.

Adam literally doesn’t understand how this show works because he thinks he has a deep connection with Rachel. That would require them to speak to each other. He gets like really intense in discussing his family and his love for Rachel and it’s wayyyyyy too much.

Eric talks about how he grew up in Baltimore and it was tough. And how he used being positive to grow. It’s an actual backstory with actual reasons why he hasn’t ever brought anyone home.

It is time to give out the rose. I really think Rachel should just skip the rose. She gives it out to Eric. Not a shocker.

Bye Adam, bye AJ, the best creepy ass doll that ever existed. Adam doesn’t want Rachel to have any regrets. Don’t worry Adam, she never knew who you were, she has no regrets.

Coming up:

Rachel is in a vineyard/desert place…? She makes out with a lot of people. There is some family drama and by some I mean a lot. And Dean was being nice when he said his dad is eccentric. OH BOY. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??