OMG there’s a two-on-one this episode. YASSSSSSSs.
Remember how we were staying in Charlotte for Ricki, well we should probably start a worldwide trip in Bermuda right now, because Ricki doesn’t need to go to school or anything. Education is secondary to reality tv fame.
Doug, the only remaining single father gets the first one-on-one.
Sidebar, Alejandro is “one of the only guys to not get a one-on-one,” honey you need some screentime to even be considered, also there’s like literally 10 people who haven’t had one either. Do better.
Doug is like nervous about his date man. So the other dudes decide to push his buttons. It’s just a bunch of dudes having some fun you know, bro.
As Arie points out, Doug is a little like the Hulk. #Dougangry #Dougsmash #greatscreenshotofthefuturebachelor
Doug and Emily get to go shopping. We learn that Doug is a single dad AND started a charity, what that charity is we do not know.
The group date is: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kaylon
So everyone except for generic blonde dude, long haired dude, Alejandro the only ethnic dude, and brown hair dude are going on the group. So two of those four go on that two-on-one.
Emily is worried that Doug is “too perfect” and when she presses him for his flaws, he says he spends too much time with his son. And maybe didn’t wash his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. He asks Emily and her flaws include being stubborn and wearing pajamas all day -gasp- even in public! He gets the rose. He doesn’t want to kiss Emily because this one time his grandpa said don’t kiss a girl unless she lets you know she wants one. Which is great for consent. Not great because Doug is a little dense and not going to make the first move. We’ll see how this works for him in the long run (spoiler, it doesn’t work well).
The group date gets to go on a classic privileged white man date- sailing! To make it even more testosterone filled it’s going to be a race and the winning team gets more time with Emily.
John “Wolf” and Nate are the two-on-one. I think they’re literally only having a two-on-one so they could use the Bermuda Triangle. I literally have no idea who Nate is. And if John didn’t have such a stupid nickname I’d know nothing about him.
So sailing involves lots of cranking…?
Arie’s team was behind first and then they were ahead and this is so intense…not. Arie’s team wins the alone time with Emily. So that obviously means there is an entire boat of sore losers. Charlie cries in the car ride home? Why?
So the winning team was Ryan, Kaylon, Arie, and Jef. So half douchebags and half top two. Ryan starts by toasting to Emily the trophy wife. Point made.
Arie uses his alone time to let Emily know that he missed her. And to make out.
Jef uses his alone time to let Emily know that he “likes her.” Like likes her? Because he’s 14 and in high school. Emily wants him to open up, and we get no background music. And it’s awkward because he doesn’t kiss her. Probably because he thinks she has cooties.
Ryan is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. What? I can’t even. He then compliments her butt and likes that she goes to the gym. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” Okay Ryan. Go home. It gets better, Ryan doesn’t like how Emily was kissing Arie at the rose ceremony and decides to tell her that.
Jef gets the group date rose, ugh. And then there are fireworks.
The two-on-one is Nate and John. I can’t definitely say this is the lamest two-on-one of all time. But definitely in the top three. I literally know nothing about Nate. There’s not even any drama.
Facts about Nate:
- He’s 25
- He’s blonde
- He had a breakup
- He’s on Season 8 of the Bachelorette
This is by far the most congenial two-on-one ever. They toast to each other and no one is screaming or storming off or being left in the Badlands. After cliff diving they get to have dinner in a soggy cave.
OH GOD. OH GOD. Nate just asked if this is quinoa. But he pronounced it as Quinn- no- ah. Instead of \ ˈkēn-ˌwä , kē-ˈnō-ə \ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Back to more facts about Nate. He has parents, and a brother, and friends. He cries about missing his family. Oh Nate.
John talks about how he doesn’t like to have all the attention and wants to get to know Emily more. John gets the rose because he appears to have an actual personality. Nate gets to go home to his family and quinoa.
So to address my doubts about Ricki’s education we get to see that she is studying. Fine, school is tied with reality tv in importance.
Cocktail party time. Ryan is a smooth talking annoying misogynist. No one likes him. And it’s up to Arie to save the day and interrupt their one-on-one time. Emily can see her and Arie sitting on a front porch just chilling. Awww
Ryan is totally here for Emily, but like it this were to not work out, he could totally see himself as the next Bachelor. UGH ICK NO
Sean gets to talk to Emily and even though they haven’t had a one-on-one they are feeling each other.
Chris is hurt that the other dudes think he’s real young (he’s 25) and not ready. Other dudes being Doug. So Chris is going to confront Doug about it. He’s being a “grown ass man” about it. That really proves he’s mature.
Time for the roses! Doug, Jef, and John already have roses this week. And there are 7 roses, so that will be 10 guys staying.
Sidebar: wayyyyyyyyyy too many necklaces Emily, I know you’re in Bermuda but that doesn’t mean you need every damn seashell hanging around your neck.
And the roses go toooooooooo:
- Sean (future Bachelor)
- Arie (duh)
- Travis (I really thought that was Charlie)
- Chris (he’s so mature)
- Ryan (no one likes you)
- Kaylon (was the bad guy before Ryan started talking about trophy wives)
- Alejandro (wasn’t expecting that)
So the real Charlie and the dude with the ponytail (Michael) are going home. Boi bye.
Pip pip cheerio they’re off to London next week! There’s some drama brewing in England with Ricki so let’s hope it comes to a boil (#badteahumor).