Three Sentence Summary
Joe’s still an ass, we are reminded of that a lot. Dan is not as big of an ass and goes on a date with Amber. We can’t have a rose ceremony because we can’t have nice things because Joe ruined them all.
CHRIS HARRISON JUST CALLED JOE AN ASSHOLE. That’s how you know it’s for real
Juelia and Jade tell Sam how much Joe sucks, Juelia’s retelling is a little bit off. Sam doesn’t really listen at all. She’s obviously part of the evil Joe plan.
Claire points out that Sam is worse than Joe, hoes before bros, but really, come on Sam.
Super Bros Tanner and Jared are here to save the day and confront Joe. I think the 10 previous confrontations should have hinted at how this one would go.
Sam goes into an interview denying everything. Then walks out, stilled mic’ed, and tells Joe she lied and gives him advice on how to lie better.
Amber is here, I know nothing about her, but she’s ethnic, which normally means you get eliminated within the first 2 episodes. Amber asks Dan. I think they just asked the cast members who their Bff’s on the show were, and then made sure they fell in love with the same person.
Ashley S calls Dan out for not actually telling her that he didn’t like her. And the crazy starts to come out.
JJ is so nice, so cool, and so funny. Since when? They go boating and jet skiing and are boring.
Juelia and Ashley S have a “we’ve been screwed over by assholes” pity party.
Ashley S, realizing she isn’t going to find love, reverts to her true self. Her true animal talking crazy self
Kirk for the quote of the episode “I feel like when I look at Ashley’s (S) eye’s, it’s kind of empty back there”
Amber and Dan go on a date. The Mexican public demand they kiss, you have to listen to the natives! Dan, unlike Joe, tells Amber about his past love. They make out some more.
Ashley S has decided to become Queen of the Crabs.
We’re back to Joe! JJ is here to save Juelia’s honor, because, as he so smartly points out, she is a girl. Somehow siblings are brought into the conversation, because why not.
Second quote of the episode involves JJ and circular references and straight edges, I just have no idea what the heck he said or was trying to say. Jared throws in some 3rd person, because why not. He also points out the biggest twist ever, we all like JJ better than Joe. Villians got to have redeeming plotlines. JJ busts out the best argument end line ever “Or what?” He then threatens to knock Joe’s teeth out.
Jared still loves Kaitlyn, not Ashley I, duh. Joe remains an ass. New people show up, everyone makes out. Everyone gets mad and sad and cries.
Let’s also take a moment to acknowledge I have watched all 6 episodes within 5 days, and I am all caught up. That’s over 9 hours of Paradise.