Bachelor in Paradise S4 E3 Part 1: Alex wants a rose, like any rose

This week on Bachelor in Paradise…!

So there were some couples before filming shut down. But then everyone went home and were not intoxicated 24/7 and trapped on an island and got some perspective. So the ladies are unhappy.

Dean and Kristina went on an off camera road trip but now its kind of wonky.

Adam shows up. He is the father of Adam Junior, aka AJ, aka the best creepiest mannequin ever to exist. The bros are like super chill and say like all the women are like super open except for Taylor and Derek. Adam comes in hot with lots of questions for the ladies. He wants to know Raven’s ultimate goal for this show—- isn’t it everyone’s? Free booze on an island with slightly above average attractive people?

It’s time for Adam to decide who he is taking on his date. He asks Raven. And she says yes. Kristina has to turn her attention back to Dean who is being flaky. She wakes him from a nap to discuss. Let sleeping Deans lie. Dean decides to go shower, this is going well.

This season really seems to be more like Bachelor in Bro-adise. Because there are a lot of bromances happening and not so many romances.

Raven and Adam get to go get margaritas. Adam asks about all the other men in Raven’s life- Ben Z, Ben Z’s dog, and Robby. Raven wants a man she can be honest with, like brutally honest. Adam wants a rose and thinks Raven is pretty so he’s agreeing with everything.

Time for the first freaking rose ceremony! There are 8 women and only 12 men. So four fellas are going home. Which means the fellas are scrambling for some roses.

Ben Z really wants Raven’s rose. Not as much as he loves his dog, but a lot. Raven doesn’t know what she is going to do with her rose. Well, she does know she’s not giving it to Robby and his 12 abs. But Adam isn’t going home without a fight and twirls Raven into a private make out session.

Robby is trying to get Amanda’s rose. He is kind of concerned because she used to be engaged to his buddy- Josh, the biggest, sweatiest asshole. Robby tries to go in for a kiss and is denied. And then refers to himself as #romanticrobby

Taylor and Derek are an actual couple and the only really obvious rose for tonight.

Both Iggy AND Diggy are gunning for Lacey’s rose. Poor Lacey.

Amanda lets short Alex know that he is not getting her rose. So he’s out on the prowl. And literally talks to everyone.

So Dean decides to actually talk to Kristina. He lets her know he isn’t really feeling it and the vibe is weird. And at least he says it before the rose ceremony.

And there’s a rose ceremony coming up! But we’ll never get to have it because there’s a special report. So we literally never get this rose ceremony.

Andddd we’re back!

To finish this episode we finally get a rose ceremony!

Taylor goes first and gives her rose to Derek (DUH)

Jasmine and Matt

Raven and Adam (damnit)

Alexis and Jack Stone

Lacey and Diggy (good choice girl!)

Danielle and Ben Z (come through Danielle! Ben will have to go a week longer without his dog, but is a week closer to love)

Kristina and Dean (it’s as if we saw Dean in all the previews)

Amanda gives her rose to Robby (UGHHHH)

So Diggy, Nick, Alex, and Vinny go home. Vinny at least gets a blooper filled exit with his seat belt.

It’s a new day in paradise so that means there’s going to be some new people to shake things up. And it’s Danielle L! In case you need a man’s opinion- she’s like really hot. And she has a cool nickname- DLo. So like she has everything going for her. And she wants to go with Dean, and he says yes.

We get a great scene of Jasmine and Alexis as besties. I’m so here for this. Yay for girl friendship!!

Dean is worried about Kristina’s “headspace” and wants to make sure she’s good with the date he is going on with another woman. But then he goes on the date with the other woman anyway. So obviously very concerned. Dean and DLo go riding on an ATV or whatever through the jungle. Both Dean and DLo think each other are like really pretty.

We get a nice cut of Kristina walking in the ocean all sad juxtaposed with Dean and DLo making out with each other. This is going to be a fun love triangle.

Kristina wants to be with Dean and Dean is kind of like flopping around. He manages to flop his way into a conversation with Kristina. I feel like important conversations should be had while at least sitting up and not while lounging on giant colored pillows. They don’t actually discuss anything though. But are now all good?

Everyone goes to the beach for a bonfire. And Dean and Kristina are good. Except Dean is an idiot because he brings DLo a half birthday cake. Ugh Dean. And awww Kristina because she’s sad because Dean is stupid.

Tomorrow night we deal with more of the Dean/Kristina drama. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY THERE IS JORGE TOURGES AND WELLS AND DANIELLE.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E3 Part 1: Alex wants a rose, like any rose

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E2: Secret off air roadtrips

Time for the drama!

On this episode of Bachelor in Paradise 

We get to watch Evan and Carly’s wedding. UGHHH. First we get a recap of Carly’s journey though The Bachelor and then her first stint on Bachelor in Paradise, both ending in tears. Then Evan’s journey with Chad.

There’s an incredibly boring montage of the couples that have actually been successful and got married on tv. BORING.

I guess Carly and Evan’s relationship is cute and genuine. But we don’t need to spend this much time on it.

Tanner gives us the best line of probably the entire season: “This is the baby that paradise made.” And by best, I mean worst, bleaching my ears out.

Carly’s vows include promising to learn CPR in case Evan ever fakes his death again, which would be a cool way to make out. Then a shaman comes.

FINALLY THE WEDDING IS OVER AND IT IS TIME TO GET BACK TO THE SHOW.

Chris Harrison lets us know that the investigation found no evidence of misconduct. He actually asks everyone if they agree. And they do. Taylor chimes in a whole lot and is very annoying. We do learn she doesn’t drink and has never had a drink on the show or had anyone ask her to.

Diggy is worried about DeMario’s reputation in the long run, because you know, in 30 years when someone googles ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ they’ll see this. Soooo concerned for the people in the future and their google searches.

Chris Harrison then discusses both race and consent. I cannot even. NO MEANS NO. CONSENT IS REQUIRED.

So let’s get back to the show. The women still have the power and roses and aren’t sure who they are picking. As in they had time to think about it and there are some crappy men (cough cough Robby) and they’re not sure about giving the crappy ones the roses.

Kristina and Dean went on a roadtrip during the break in filming! This isn’t allowed! We need to have all of their relationship on camera!!

There are some established couples: Dean and Kristina, Taylor and Derek, Jasmine and Matt. Except Matt is a little unsure of committing to choking-Jasmine so soon.

Alex thinks that he is a couple with Amanda. Amanda is not feeling it. Maybe because Alex is annoying (and short) and horrible at picking up hints. Danielle steps in to tell Alex to calm down. Raven just goes to the jugular and tells him to move on. Alex still doesn’t get it. Amanda is going to give him a friendship rose. And he’s still not going to understand.

Lacey is back and now thankfully able to see through Iggy’s BS. She just really wants Daniel to come. Yup, Daniel the speedo wearing Canadian. Oh Lacey, you can dream bigger.

Derek gets a date card and picks Taylor (obviously). They spend it making out. Neither of them believe in soulmates. And go back to making out. They then go back and get it on.

Jasmine wants to get it on with Matt. But Matt wants to go to bed.

Trouble in paradise not just for them but for Dean and Kristina too! They’re not really on the same page.

Well it looks like this will be a dramatic season. LET’S DO THIS.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E2: Secret off air roadtrips

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

It’s that time of year again….

Bachelor in Paradise is back!!

Chris Harrison starts off the episode by addressing the drama that was heard around the reality television world.

The opening credits of this show will always be the best thing on tv.

Let’s meet the cast!!!

Raven is first, she’s the down home Alabama store owner who had never had an orgasm before.

Dean is next. You all know Dean. He has an odd dad and is adorable

Kristina is from Russia and was adopted.

Danielle M is a widow.

I really really liked Ben Z!

Iggy argued with people on Rachel’s season.

Jasmine asked Nick if he likes to be strangled.

Jack Stone has a last name.

Alexis still doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and shark.

DeMario has lots and lots of scandals. Including the fact he went on the Bachelorette with a girlfriend. DeMario wants to make a good second first impression. Well, we all know how this ended up. He tries to get Raven on his side.

Derek is here! Thank goodness he clarifies that he is from JoJo’s season. He looks like John Krasinski.

Alex is short. Like real short.

Corinne. She likes cheese and bouncy castles and naps and has a nanny.

We get a sidebar of Dean and Kristina being adorable together with their daddy issue.

Lacey came in a camel to Nick’s season. Thank god she clarified.

Diggy had some bomb ass bowties before he got eliminated too soon.

Penguin dude shows up in a penguin suit because he knows his branding. He was 6th place for Rachel.

Nick is next, as in Saint Nick. Once again, good job with the branding. He is into Jasmine and they get the first kiss of the season!

Amanda is a single mom and picked baseball douche Josh last year. It didn’t work out. Maybe because he’s a douche.

Taylor really likes emotional intelligence and really dislikes Corinne.

And that’s the cast!!!

We learn that Amanda tried to get on the celebrity version of Tinder and got denied because she wasn’t famous enough. The fact that she is currently on this show should have been her first hint.

According to Alex, Corinne and DeMario start their escapades into the pool 30 minutes into Bachelor in Paradise. It’s 4:30pm.

Time for Chris Harrison to talk to everyone to explain the not complicated process of the dates and roses. You don’t get a rose, you go home.

OMG JORGE IS FOLLOWING HIS DREAM AND OPENING HIS OWN TOUR COMPANY. Wells is his replacement. Like previous contestant Wells is about to just pour lots and lots of shots. I’m so proud of Jorge.

The women have the power this week and will be giving out roses.

Taylor and Derek hit it off. I guess Derek has at least a little emotional intelligence.

Kristina gets the first date card and she chooses Dean because he’s obviously the best choice.

Lacey and Iggy competing for the pair with the least amount of notoriety. Blah

Kristina and Dean get to go out to a nice dinner and there’s random confetti and a band and people screaming.

Jasmine isn’t feeling Saint Nick as much since he is kind of suuuuper drunk and it’s kind of hard to have conversations with suuuuuper drunk people. So Penguin Matt swoops in and makes out with her in the hot tub.

Awwww, Lacey’s Grandpa passed away and she has to leave. Sad 😦 Iggy lets everyone know…except he says it’s her grandma, maybe their connection wasn’t that strong.

And here is Robby. He’s…..well, full of himself. He has a date card and offers it to Raven. I hope it goes horribly. Robby is sad because he couldn’t pack his pocket squares or bow ties or whatever the hell lapel pins are. But don’t worry, he has a bathing suit for everything occasion! He gets to go jet skiing with Raven.

Ben Z breaks it down for us. He drinks beers at barbecues. Robby drinks wine spritzers on the beach.

Unfortunately Raven and Robby make out. Fortunately Raven has a cold an will probably give all her germs to Robby so maybe he’ll just go home. Don’t worry, Raven isn’t distracted by the hair and shiny teeth, she knows that if you have 12 abs something sketchy must be happening.

Somehow Jasmine is the hottest ticket on this island and both St. Nick and Penguin Matt want her rose. But he is not saved by the date card as it goes to Matt and he picks Jasmine. They get to go to a drag show! And Matt gets in drag and looks really good in a blonde wig.

It’s already rose ceremony time! There are 12 men and only 8 women.

Both Diggy and Iggy are afraid of going home and are trying really hard to get roses.

Ben Z is concerned because he left his dog at home and doesn’t want to be wasting his precious dog-less time unless it’s worth it and wants to get Raven’s rose. Robby has a shirt with sombreros on it an he’s in Mexico so he’s pretty sure he’s getting Raven’s rose. I vote the man with the dog.

It’s time. The producers take both Corinne and DeMario away and the production stops. But we won’t know what happened until tomorrow.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E12: THE FINALEEE

So to recap, just in case you don’t know. There are 4 couples still

Grant and Lace #Grace

Carly and Evan #ew

Josh and Amanda #groanmoan

Nick and Jen #obviouslynotgoingtoworkout

We start with Evan and Carly so I can barf at the beginning. They def did it and Evan wrote a sweet rap/poem for Carly and I wanted to barf some more.

Grant and Lace also totally did it. And Grant feels weird in a bad way…hope it isn’t an STD! He’s feeling some doubts and doesn’t know what he is going to do. So Lace cries and is a little mad about the matching tattoos that are like for forever.

Jen and Nick definitely did it because there’s like blankets and clothes on the floor. So that’s 3 confirmed sexy times on tv for Nick- Andi, Kaitlyn, and now Jen.

Josh and Amanda already did it like five million times before so we already knew that and at least we don’t get to see/hear Josh moaning. Amanda feels like her relationship is so perfect except wait Josh sucks. Josh is worried about Amanda’s children and in the last five minutes realized they exist since Amanda mentioned they like to crawl into her bed in the mornings.

NEILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLANEEEEEEEEEEEE

Evan goes first to look at the bling bling. He is like really nervous.

Then we have Grant who is like really confused.

Neil gives Nick some crap for being there a third freaking time.

Josh wants to know if there is a diamond as big as his ego.

Carly and Evan get to go first. Carly is wearing an unfortunate purple dress. Evans out with a throwback to their hospital visit. It’s kind of cute because they both cry.  AND WE GET IT. PROPOSAL #1. And it wasn’t totally vomit inducing. Carly is excited to leave and like meet Evan’s children and sit on the patio. etc

Grant and Lace are next, at least her dress is better. Lace is nervous because their fantasy suite wasn’t a ‘fantasy’ and she has that FREAKING TATTOO.  Lace needs to stop running from this. And she loves Grant, but she loves Grace more. Back to needing to barf. Grant loves Lace when she is sad, mad, and incredibly wasted. So they can be true loves together now.

Nick and Jen are next and it’s almost like we know how this will end…oh wait we do! Obvi they aren’t together because Nick is the next bachelor so they don’t end up together. Jen lets Nick know that she wants to fall in love if he will catch her, but nope. He’s got other ladies to date now!

Josh and Amanda are next, let’s hope he doesn’t moan through all of it. Josh shows up and isn’t sweaty…yet. And obviously he proposes. And here comes the sweat. #truelove #Ihatehim

 

And that’s it folks! A record of three freaking engagements and a new bachelor.

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E12: THE FINALEEE

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E11: FANTASY SWEET!

So we start off with the drama no one cares about.

Long story short- Brett tells Izzy he likes Lauren better. Izzy cries and leaves and calls Vinny on the car ride home and Vinny tells her straight up- you leave me for a lamp I’m not giving you a second chance.

We have the rose ceremony and beforehand ‘Shoe’ asks Wells if he will pick her. He says no. She cries and leaves? Why did she even come? We’ll never know.

Brett decides he can’t give his rose to anyone. And when it’s Well’s turn his love now-triangle turns into a line when he chooses Ashley I. If only he new the drama.

So we have 5 couples left.

Josh and Amanda- GOD NO

Carly and Evan- Still ew

Grant and Lace- #grace

Nick and Jen- spoilers seems that it doesn’t work out since he’s the next bachelor

And Wells and Ashley I

We get to hear lots of fun talk about if Wells will finally be the one to have sex with Ashley I and this freaks him out, that and like he’s been on this insane island for like 3 days and seems slightly rational. So he tells Ashley that she won’t be getting her dream fantasy suite and they both leave.

Onto everyone’s one-on-one dates.

Grant and Lace “explore” Mexico complete with a tattoo parlor and a man named Chops? Who wears a button up shirt but only the top two buttons so he can showcase his skeleton tattoo beer belly…yeah. They get matching ‘Grace’ tattoos. Thank god their names didn’t combine into something even stupider.

Nick and Jen get to go stand up paddle boarding in what seems the roughest surf in all of Mexico and repeatedly get pummeled.

Carly and Evan get another weird date which consists of body painting by rubbing paint on your body and rubbing your body on a canvas. It is facilitated by a lady with some ginormous boobs. Evan wears tighty white-ys and it’s icky as always.

Josh and Amanda’s date consists of them annoying some local children and watching them play soccer to prove just how fantastic Josh is with children. He would totally like to be the overinvolved coach dad one day. #lifegoals

We end with lots of shadow shots and steaming scenes, fantasy suites means lots and lots of innuendos.

Tomorrow on the finale!!!

People will propose after literally knowing other people for 21 days. WHO WILL IT BE? How big is Neil Lane’s diamond?! WILL TRUE LOVE HAPPEN!?!?!

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E11: FANTASY SWEET!

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E10 Everybody loves Wells

So Caila is leaving. Ashley I is just stirring up trouble. Jared gets angry at her and decides to leave with Caila. Ashley I cries some more.

Jared decides to leave with Caila and chases after her, while not wearing any shoes. Then he gets in the car and they drive away together. But like – Jared isn’t wearing any shoes. Jared has none of his stuff. And he’s barefoot. You don’t want to go through the Mexican airport without shoes!!

Ashley I is worried about looking like a lunatic…yeah…too late.

So Wells and Jami come back holding hands. This is going to go well…s. Ashley I handles it well(s) and Wells is feeling her being rational and Ashley I decides to keep being rational.

Izzy is feeling Brett. Ew. We miss Vinny.

Now we have a great love triangle of Wells-Jami-Ashley I

Lauren H shows up next, I kind of know who she is, she is not the Lauren that won or one of the other five Laurens from Ben’s season. Five seconds later Shoshanna walks in, I only know who she is because it was confusing whether she could actually speak English…which it seems she now can. It’s a double date and they pick Brett and Wells.

They go on a surfing date, we learn that Shoe (that’s her nickname, at least phonetically) has a tongue piercing. And they all like surfing which is like super fun!

Nick works with Ashley I on her expectations to mentally prepare her for maybe going home. And there’s no way we’re letting her walk back this time.

So for some reason we get a recap of last night, you could have just read my blog instead, but Nick and Josh aren’t friends and Josh sucks. Amanda and Josh get a date card. If they spend the entire date making out I will throw myself off of a cliff in Mexico.

They go and sit at a table for the date. Josh only cares about Amanda and totally isn’t listening to all the people that keep telling him he’s a douche. Amanda isn’t really worried about Josh being a douche. There’s fireworks and it’s lame and Josh still sucks.

Back to Wells. As Ashley I breaks it down- his choices are her, a random Canadian and a Russian hooker. And sadly, Daniel is not the random Canadian. Jamie kisses Wells and then Ashley I retaliates by moving her mouth on Wells’

Next week is the finale! OMG

And there’s rings involved! Neil Lane!  AHHHHHhhh

 

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E10 Everybody loves Wells

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E9: Let’s just all read Andi’s book already

Let’s get back at it!

We pick up with Caila calling Ashley I out for being extremely annoying and clingy. Which she is. Caila gives up and Jared goes in. Ashley I cries. I lost count with what number cry this was.

Ashley I then cries about her dog Lucy, and I’ll give her this one. She prays to Lucy to get a man she likes. And then walks in Wells. Everyone needs Wells to take Ashley I on this date. Everyone including Lucy the dog. And they’re all really nervous. They need it to happen. HE DOES IT. WELLS GETS IT DONE. EVERYONE CHEERS.

Jared and Caila take the time that Ashley I is away to try and out do Amanda and Josh with on-screen making out. They aren’t going to dethrone Amanda and Josh, but they are on their way.

Ashley I and Wells’ date starts with tacos and taco puns. I like this guy. They eat some tostadas. We learn that Ashley I’s fav band is Hanson. They feed a dog.  It’s adorbs.

There’s trouble in paradise with Lace! Lace and Grant are both being stupid. They get in a fight and Grant storms away to sit on his top bunk of his bunk bed. Lace cries.

I know everyone was worried that Jared and Caila were getting all the make out screen time, so let’s show some more Amanda and Josh.

It’s okay Grant and Lace have had their first fight and are over it. Grace is back!

So Nick and Jen want to get it on. And Amanda lets them know that they can have the boom boom room. But Josh says no, he wants the boom boom room. Because Josh sucks. And Amanda is actually asleep in her own bed, and Josh is a dick.

Rose ceremony time!

It’s literally been like 5 years since the last rose ceremony and 4 guys came in. Wells, lamp dude, old dude, and other dude. Aka Brett, Ryan, and Carl.

Couple recap! Grace is back on track. Carly and Evan are still ew and ‘totally falling in love with each other.’ Daniel is on the chopping block and scrambling a little. He brings one of the twins a crap ton of fried foods. Which like, works for me. He then goes on to Izzy and brings her a lamp, in honor of the lamp guy.

Brett (other lamp guy) is confused by Daniel’s lamp encroaching on his territory. So he makes out with Izzy.

Josh and Amanda are back to making out on camera. The twins are worried because Josh is  a douche and Amanda does not deserve that. They talk to Nick about it, and Nick has like actual firsthand Josh douche experience. Time to bring up Andi’s book again.

Now it’s actually time for the rose ceremony.

Carly and Evan

Ashley and Wells

Jen and Nick

Izzy and Brett (lamp guy)

Caila and Jared

Lace and Grant

Amanda and Josh

Haley and Emily now are crying. And not giving their roses to anyone…and are now leaving.

WHAT. So Ryan  (old dude), Carl (other dude), and Daniel have to go home.

Before they leave they talk with Amanda. And both of them cry. They bring up the book for the ten millionth time. And talk about how Josh has a temper and is a douche canoe. They point out the very valid point that Josh has a crap reputation and Amanda is America’s sweetheart so if you wanted to fix your reputation dating her would look good.

Amanda confronts Josh and he avoids the questions and says he hasn’t done anything for the last 6 months because his dog has cancer. The poor puppy – but like, not a real excuse.

Josh handles it really well by yelling at all the other cast members. So Nick calls out Josh and they yell over each other. For like 5 minutes. Totes not sketch. Josh angry. Josh smash! Josh threatens to leave. Amanda disregards the warning of literally everyone there and decides she trusts Josh.

So Wells wakes up at like 5am because no one else is awake. And down the stairs comes Jami. Who I did not remember/ do not remember her spelling her name like that. She asks Wells because he is literally the only one awake. So people start waking up, those people not including Ashley I.  So let’s hide from the impending shitstorm now that she is awake.

Poor Nick takes the bullet as the messenger and lets Ashley I know what happened. Ashley I takes it very well…….by not crying….yet. Nick is mentally and physically preparing for Ashley I to break down. Ashley I believes in her connection with Wells and is not worried.

Jami and Wells drive a thing through some mud and then go swimming in a waterfall place. They also wear matching bathing suits. Wells asks Jami if she likes Batman, since she has a Batman tattoo, which I really really hope she does like Batman. Then they make out.

Ashley I slowly begins to crumble as she is forced to watch Caila and Jared constantly kiss each other. And she’s back to obsessing about Jared. And talking to Caila about how she is really strong and used to be jealous but isn’t jealous anymore. Caila flat out asks Ashley I if she wants Caila to go home. And Ashley I pauses for a hella long time. And then guilts Caila into feeling guilty.

And Ashley I masterminds Caila’s leaving. Which is pretty impressive.

Tomorrow!!

Caila leaves. Jared decides to stay or follow Caila. Ashley I cries. Wells is really popular. Fun!

Bachelor in Paradise S3 E9: Let’s just all read Andi’s book already