The Bachelorette S20: Chad Tells All

Let’s stop lying to ourselves, we only really care about Chad.

And hopefully the announcement that Luke is the next Bachelor.

They introduce all the guys no one remembers and we still don’t know who they are and then we get our Chad montage. Chadtage.

The first drama we have to re-hash is Derek vs Alex. It’s lame and we quickly move on to…

CHADDDDD

So Chad thinks everyone is ridiculous and fake and apparently went home and googled all of them and has dirt on everyone. Nice job Chad. Gotta be prepared. He also somehow met and dated all of their exes. Obviously no one likes Chad still and for some reason Santa has decided to cling to his fame and wants to fight Chad. Sit down Santa. Chad kills it with great insults and witty comebacks. I am #teamChad. Also I have learned you can’t fit another bro in dress shoes.

We re-hash ripped shirt gate with Evan and get a slo-mo and it’s inconclusive. We’ll never really know who started it. Evan still sucks. Chad is great. He is going to the King of Bachelor in Paradise.

Next we move on to Luke, who better be the next damn Bachelor. He is such a nice guy and his season will be a little boring but damn it I want it to happen! Luke remains a stand up adorable guy and is ready to love again as Chris Harrison says and I’m ready to watch him do that!

It’s Chase’s turn, let’s see if he’s just as bland and boring as before…yup. Too boring to even talk about.

Here’s JoJo, she like never broke up with anyone ever before this. And like all of a sudden had to do it 24 times. Maybe that’s why she sucks so much at it. She says she sent home Luke because he never said ‘Love.’ Stupid. Luke says he knows he loved her because he just wanted her to be happy. So literally he is the nicest best guy ever.

Chase then gets to ask why JoJo sent him home. Maybe because he’s lame and boring. And that’s pretty much the reason.

Chris Harrison opens the floor up to the guys to talk to JoJo. And Santa says she looks nice, literally ignoring the fact he tried to fight Chad in dress shoes just 20 minutes before. Derek talks about reassurance because he can’t let it go. Vinny’s mom somehow is here and tells JoJo that her son would have been the best guy for her and is a great guy.

And we then get what we’re all waiting for. Bloopers! There’s a lot of animal mishaps. And bugs. Laughs for all!

NEXT WEEK:

JoJo picks her one true loveeeeee. And her family is back and just as scary as before. And there’s lots of crying. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?

The Bachelorette S20: Chad Tells All

The Bachelorette S20 E7:The Best Poof

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh

 

JoJo, you are an idiot.

WHY WOULD YOU SEND LUKE HOME?!?

I guess our only consolation is that he’ll be the next bachelor.

We pick off on the airplane hanger cliffhanger where JoJo is stupid and sends Luke home. He is an utter gentleman and very sad and she is stupid.

Then the remaining guys jet off to Thailand. There’s only three left- which can only mean

FANTASY SUITEEEESSS

Robby goes first. He remains incredibly sleazy and shady. And says he can’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love while it’s literally monsooning…sure Robby. Sure. But JoJo’s feeling it, they do discuss how he said ‘I love you’ in like episode 4 but that made JoJo more comfortable to open up etc blah blah blah. It’s fantasy suite time and JoJo and Robby have lots of fun in their rather small Thailand suite. We get to see them in the morning together where they don’t eat the very nice looking food and it’s time for JoJo to be off on her next date!

Like I think she literally goes home and changes and then has to go see Jordan. Literally a whirlwind romance. Their date consists of something they could never have done here in the states- they go hiking. They do end up in a super cool temple where kissing isn’t allowed for some reason. I guess nuzzling someone’s neck and groping their thigh is okay though. Hey, I won’t judge these arbitrary temple standards.

Obviously their date goes well and Jordan talks a lot about JoJo’s dad and wanting him to like look into his eyes and know that Jordan will be with JoJo forever. I feel like that’s asking a lot of someone. They then go into the fantasy suite and get it on. Touchdown. #sportsreference #sports

Last is Chase, it’s almost like they forgot about him because he’s so forgettable! They wander through a market complete with dead fish. And if the fish and background music aren’t cluing you into how JoJo is feeling maybe you should look at her face. They get all the way through Chris Harrison’s invite to the fantasy suite AND Chase declaring his love before JoJo realizes that Chase isn’t Luke and he stinks and she should send him home. Which is a little awkward and Chase doesn’t take it well, he storms off but not before grabbing a beer.

Pointless rose ceremony time. Oh wait, Chase comes back to crash it. He’s only there to apologize and try to make amends so he can be the next bachelor. We all know guys that storm out don’t end up as the Bachelor. Too bad Chase because we’re all #teamLuke and you are pretty bland even in your apology.

Back to the rose ceremony where JoJo is wearing my least favorite dress of hers and she gives out the two roses to the only two men there (no, not Chris Harrison) but Jordan and Robby.

My question is who objectively has the better hair poof- and the answer is Jordan. We think Robby is trying to hide some bald creeping in.

Anyway.

Tomorrow is Men Tell All which should really just be called the Chad show. #chad #proteinpowder

AND NEXT WEEK IS THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVERR

Where JoJo will pick Jordan and realize there’s a reason why ‘ex-pro-sports-dudes’ aren’t a good choice in the end.

The Bachelorette S20 E7:The Best Poof

The Bachelorette S20 E7: Meet the Mommas

It’s hometowns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Which means JoJo gets to go to everyone’s giant ass house and meet all of their families and their family’s random significant others.

 

First is Chase, Chase is unmemorable and boring so is his hometown. He is from Colorado where it snows and that’s really all I bothered to pay attention to.

More exciting and up next is Jordan. In case you didn’t know, Jordan has a famous brother named Aaron who plays sports for a living. Like actually plays sports unlike Jordan’s “career.” But before we delve into that we have to rehash Jordan’s glory days and go to his high school. Good to know he’s done so much since then. I am 100% sure that all the teachers he hugged probably thought he was Aaron and called him Aaron at least every other day when he was in their classes. JoJo gets to meet Jordan’s family, but not Aaron. Where is Aaron? Why isn’t Aaron there? No one really knows and no one will shut up about it. Maybe that’s why Aaron doesn’t talk to them anymore. One more time as a reminder, JoJo is dating Jordan…not Aaron.

Next is Robby. He has a nice family with a normal sized house so we don’t all feel bad about not growing up in giant ass mansions. He also has some drama, or more appropriately, his Momma has the drama. So Robby’s ex’s roommate is spreading rumors that Robby ditched his ex to go be on reality tv. (Gasp). We have to deal with this shocking news and Robby very nicely evades the question so we sort of get an answer but not.

And now the date we have all been waiting for. Luke solidifies his spot as the best option left who is also really nice and super into JoJo. And JoJo gets to meet his family and friends as well as anyone that happened to be walking down the street at the time at a nice family bbq. Luke and his father have the most adorable chat ever about finding love and my heart melted. And then Luke further set things afire with a heart made of roses in the backyard. I’m done. Can’t handle it anymore. HOWEVER, Luke does not say the ‘L’ word, even though he literally says JoJo has his literal heart made of flower and his figurative heart.

Which leads us to the rose ceremony where JoJo confesses to camera she is sending Luke home.

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NOT OKAY.

Luke senses this (maybe because they have the most legit connection or something) and pulls her away to tell her he does love her. Did I mention this for some weird reason is all happening in an airplane hanger.

JoJo freaks out because now she doesn’t know who to send home (Chase, duh, then Robby after fantasy suites) and cries a lot.

And then of course we get a cliffhanger.

Next week we’ll maybe find out anything and then we get everyone’s least favorite episode, but with our most favorite person.

I for one, am ready for more servings of Chad.

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The Bachelorette S20 E7: Meet the Mommas

The Bachelorette S20 E6: Let’s stop harassing the horses

We’re still in Argentina with some guys, let’s try to remember who!

Short Mad Alex

Jordan not a football player

Luke the veteran

James Taylor the too good for this show nice guy

Chase- he’s angry…and I don’t remember very much else

and there’s six left….so someone else!

And Robby! The very soon in love swimmer.

Chris Harrison comes in to explain there’s like a lot of dates this week. And there aren’t any roses for the one-on-ones, just the group date. And there’s 3 one-on-ones. That’s like a lot.

Short Mad Alex gets the first one-on-one date, which is his first one-on-one, which you know is totally great when there’s 3 weeks left, I’m sure your relationship is on the same level as everyone else. OMG, inadvertent pun about his height #level #heisshort

Alex and JoJo’s date seems pretty lame, so more excitingly the rest of the guys have to take a bus and decide to rap about JoJo…because why not.

After sitting in silence and eating pringles in the car JoJo and Alex get to be gauchos for the day…which includes a beret…? They ride horses just like the gauchos do. Then the actual gaucho like wrestles the horse lovingly to the ground. Idek. Then they kiss. I’m just not going to address this. Oh wait, the date still isn’t over.

Jordan gets the next one-on-one.

Back to Alex and JoJo, Alex declares his “falling in love” and JoJo unsurprisingly doesn’t know how to react, because oh wait, she doesn’t like him. And JoJo at least doesn’t pull a Ben and confess a love she doesn’t feel, so she shuts him down and sends him home. Finally! I do wish that “Don’t cry for me Argentina” played after everyone leaves from now on.

Jordan and JoJo get to take a private jet with no horses to go drink wine. They first have to squish all the grapes with their feet. They then drink the…foot smooshed grape juice. That’s not wine. Ew. Then they go in a hot tub.

The other guys are not fans of Jordan. They grumble about Jordan. Chase, James, Robbie get the next one-on-one. Leaving Luke for the last one-on-one.

Jordan and JoJo reminisce about all the great times they’ve had so far, I’m surprised they can remember more than 2 weeks ago…wait that’s pretty much their entire relationship. JoJo asks who she is going to meet if she goes to Jordan’s hometown and we learn we won’t meet Jordan’s famous football brother. So sad. That’s literally all I know about sports. Jordan goes on to say that sports don’t define him, and now I admit I know a little about sports because I know he sucked, so this is all BS. But it’s all good because Jordan is ‘so in love’ with JoJo.

It rains so the group date has to be inside, it starts with James shoving french fries in his face. Then there’s some truth and dare. James Taylor decides to stir up some trouble which upsets me, his heart should be too pure for this.

Robbie gets some one-on-one time and talks about his past relationships and how they like ended 3 days ago.

Chase goes next. He remains blah and unmemorable. He likes likes JoJo, like a lot. He jumps from that to wanting to spend the rest of his life with JoJo.

James goes next and realizes they have a sweet relationship. JoJo says he has every quality that she would want in a husband, that’s never a good sign. He remains adorable.

Robby gets the rose. Wooo. JoJo wants to meet his family. James and Chase freak out because one of them is going home #duh.

Now it’s time for Luke’s date. BECAUSE THIS EPISODE IS NEVERENDING. There’s a pony. The pony should run away because it didn’t end well for the other horse. They ride the horses then shoot the things. Luke is a man. Men don’t need plans for life.

JoJo doesn’t need a cocktail party and is ready to make her decision. Thank goodness because there’s only 5 of them left so she better have a clue who she is sending home.

Rose time!!

First goes to Luke.

Second goes to Jordan. #Duh

And the last rose goes to Chase.

Poor James. 😦 But we always knew this show wasn’t for him. Reality tv is too harsh a world for his delicate soul. They both cry and do not enunciate at all so I don’t really know what either of them said. Very sad. Much tears.

Next week:

HOMETOWNSSSSSSSSSSSS. Lots of Dads and Moms. And a baby. Jordan famous sports brother drama. And Robby girlfriend drama. And a very nice blue dress.

 

The Bachelorette S20 E6: Let’s stop harassing the horses