Ben Higgins: the next Bachelor- All you Need to know

Last night after the horrible hour of whatever we’re considering After Paradise to be, we finally found out who the next bachelor is.

IT’S BEN HIGGINS

Look at how happy he is.  We finally get to learn your last name if you ever become the Bachelor, good to know that H didn’t stand for something terrifying. There definitely could have been worse choices, but for a refresher session let’s talk about what happened with Ben H during Kaitlyn’s season.

  • Limo entrance- unmemorable- granted if you don’t show up in a cupcake or hot tub limo I probably won’t remember
  • He went on a lot of group dates
  • He got the Aladdin cameo, probably because he looked the best in the vest-without-shirt look EDIT: JK, Alexa pointed out it was cupcake Chris that did that.  So maybe there isn’t really anything remarkable about Ben
  • He’s 26
  • Kaitlyn once asked if he was a virgin, he’s not
  • He admitted to Kaitlyn he thinks he’s unlovable because of his past girlfriend
  • He made it to the fantasy suite, got it on, and then was sent home
  • He was very gracious when he was sent home

Overall he was quite cute and a gentleman.  However, there’s a few things I’m a little concerned about:

  • He’s nice, which sometimes just means a hella boring season
  • He’s 26, with the men, they don’t really cast anyone older than the Bachelor, so that means we’re going to have a gaggle of 21 year olds
  • He’s not super memorable, we kind of defaulted to him as a bachelor because the other top guys shot themselves in the foot : Cupcake didn’t take the break up like a man and cried.  Jared isn’t over Kaitlyn.  Smooshed face Kentucky Joe didn’t take the break up well either and then went crazy asshole on Bachelor in Paradise.  My vote was for Ben Z, the one with all the muscles, but he went home too early to qualify.

I will say #BachelorBen or #BentheBachelor are pretty great hashtags. All in all I’m just happy that Bachelor in Paradise is about to end.  We just have to make it through Dancing with the Stars before we can follow Ben H on his journey to true love.

Ben Higgins: the next Bachelor- All you Need to know

Bachelor in paradise s2 e8: Nothing really happened

Three Sentence Summary

We continue Joe and Sam drama.  Juelia and Mikey get it on.  Ashley I remains sad and lonely.

Actual Summary

Ashley I tries to get solace from Joe, he remains an ass.

Juelia and Mikey go on date

Joe decides to make Sam look like the partner in crime that she was

Kirk takes Carly fishing and that’s how you know he likes you. Or if he wants to bore you to death

Guadalajara…a city known for lovers…sure. I think I see hearts in Miley’s eyes, when he looks at the wrestlers.  This is a little early for a fantasy suite, I’m going to have to talk to Chris Harrison about this

Ashley I talks to the wise Jorge

Mikey and Juelia return from their date and “kept it classy” meaning lots of sex, just off camera

Joe put a towel down for Ashley I so she doesn’t get sand in her “hoo hoo.” And Ashley I gives some relationship advice. Definitely who I would have asked for advice on how to talk to people

Justin and his bad hair is here!  He’s very sweaty. Joe tells him not to take Sam. Justin thinks Sam is hot and he goes to talk with her.

Next time

People go on dates.  That guy, who I think is named Chris, shows up, he sucks.

BACHELOR TIMEEEEE

Ben H is the next bachelor!  He’s the cute, young guy from Kaitlyn’s season.  I watched all of the weird After Paradise special to find that out.  Was it worth it?

Bachelor in paradise s2 e8: Nothing really happened

Bachelor in Paradise S2 E7: Save the Juelia

So I missed the first 13 minutes, which I’m sure nothing really happened

Three sentence summary

Joe remains an ass so Mikey T for Testosterone comes back from the dead to save Juelia.  Jared finally tells Ashley I he’s not feeling it.  Sam decides Joe is an ass.

Actual Summary

Rose ceremony timeeeee.

Remember the Joe and Samantha and Juelia drama?  It’s still going on!  Let’s have everyone sit in a circle and call them out for the millionth time together.

Good guy Tanner is sad that Sam won’t own up to anything.

OMG WE GET TO KNOW WHO THE BACHELOR IS ON TUESDAY.  On Good Morning America, which starts at like 5am, so I will read about that.  The best part is that it means Bachelor in Paradise is almost over and we can return to the safe normalcy of one man and 30 women trying to fall in love, just like it should be.

Is Ashley I wearing the lost jewel from the Titanic?  Does Jared actually like her?  Did Jared want to be guilted into kissing her?   I think the answer to all of those questions is sadly no.

Quick update thanks to Carly, girls in danger of going home: Claire, Juelia, Megan, Ashley S, Amber

Swing votes: JJ and Dan

Everyone wants Juelia to stay and find true love so she needs to get JJ’s rose.  Let’s all disregard who JJ actually wants to give his rose to.  JJ actually likes Megan.

Juelia decides she doesn’t need to follow the rules so she goes to the big man himself, Chris Harrison.  She talks about how great Mikey was, hindsight is 50/50…?

Roses

As Tenley says, going to be one of the most dramatic rose ceremonies yet.

Joshua- Tenley

Jared- Ashley I- I don’t know whyyyyyyyyyyy

Kirk- Carly

Tanner- Jade

JJ- Ashley S- WHATTTTTTTTTT.  He believes that Ashley S deserves to find love.  And Juelia didn’t want his rose?  I’m so confused.  JJ had broken up with someone before coming here.  So he’s going home.  Obviously something else is happening with Juelia.  Oh and JJ learned that he’s selfless and courageous…sure.

Joe- Samantha

Dan- asks for a minute…to talk to Carly.  He wants to know if there’s too much pressure on him.  Uh, just say a name Dan.  He gives it to Amber.  Welp.  How could he pick the potential of love, the point of the show, over his friend?!?

Going home: Claire, Megan, Juelia.  Claire surprisingly didn’t claw her way to a rose.  She then points out, if she had just been chosen to be the Bachelorette she would have already found a husband.  Which is sort of valid.  She’s also retiring…sure.

Carly doesn’t know when Juelia will get another opportunity like this…oh wait, maybe in 5 seconds.  It’s testosterone Mikey!  Chris Harrison had called him.  He went all the way home and then came ALL the way back to a resort in Mexico just to save Juelia.  Wow, that’s commitment.  I can’t wait until Juelia doesn’t pick Mikey in the next rose ceremony.

Tanner gets a date card and he picks Jade.  Gasp.  They go to Tequila, Mexico.  Tanner gets to do some manual labor.

Jorge is cordial to the devil pair of Joe and Sam, because he’s paid to be.

Nick is here.  I have no idea who he is.  But he also was talking to Sam before coming.  Wow, Sam sure is talkative.  He immediately asks Sam.  She says no.  Mikey uses his super large brain to figure out that Sam was talking to both Joe AND Nick before coming to the show.  Nick then asks Ashley S, she’s the obvious choice because there’s no one else.

They were supposed to go on an island…but it’s closed.

Chris Harrison has had enough of rouge fantasy suite dates and wants them to be the weird creepy invitations they normally are, so Jade and Tanner get a key to their hotel suite.

Ashley S and Nick’s make up date is tequila and massage themed.  They get drunk.  Nick is an only child.

Tanner wants to make his and Jade’s relationship #facebookofficial and be girlfriend and boyfriend for real.  They have an actual conversation about their relationship, which is impressive.

It’s Joe’s birthday.  I don’t care.  Sam isn’t super happy with Joe being an ass.

To quote Des- Ashley I feels like she’s running and Jared is at a super slow jog of doom.  They aren’t on the same page at all.  Jared says their chemistry isn’t what he’s looking for, and then blames it all on Kaitlyn.  Ashley I, with a valid reason this once, starts to cry. Ashley calls Kaitlyn…because why not

Joe stages a birthday party for himself and then invites Sam.  She’s hesitant and doesn’t really want to go forward with Joe.

Quote of the episode by Joe: I’ve never backstabbed or been involved in drama a day in my life.”  Um, Joe…yeah.

Coming up next time!

Happy people on dates. Joe is mad. JOE SMASH.

Bachelor in Paradise S2 E7: Save the Juelia

Bachelor in Paradise: S2 E6: I don’t remember any cast members that aren’t Joe

Three Sentence Summary

Joe’s still an ass, we are reminded of that a lot.  Dan is not as big of an ass and goes on a date with Amber.  We can’t have a rose ceremony because we can’t have nice things because Joe ruined them all.

Actual summary

CHRIS HARRISON JUST CALLED JOE AN ASSHOLE.  That’s how you know it’s for real

Juelia and Jade tell Sam how much Joe sucks, Juelia’s retelling is a little bit off.  Sam doesn’t really listen at all.  She’s obviously part of the evil Joe plan.

Claire points out that Sam is worse than Joe, hoes before bros, but really, come on Sam.

Super Bros Tanner and Jared are here to save the day and confront Joe.  I think the 10 previous confrontations should have hinted at how this one would go.

Sam goes into an interview denying everything.  Then walks out, stilled mic’ed, and tells Joe she lied and gives him advice on how to lie better.

Amber is here, I know nothing about her, but she’s ethnic, which normally means you get eliminated within the first 2 episodes.  Amber asks Dan.  I think they just asked the cast members who their Bff’s on the show were, and then made sure they fell in love with the same person.

Ashley S calls Dan out for not actually telling her that he didn’t like her.  And the crazy starts to come out.

JJ is so nice, so cool, and so funny.  Since when?  They go boating and jet skiing and are boring.

Juelia and Ashley S have a “we’ve been screwed over by assholes” pity party.

Ashley S, realizing she isn’t going to find love, reverts to her true self.  Her true animal talking crazy self

Kirk for the quote of the episode “I feel like when I look at Ashley’s (S) eye’s, it’s kind of empty back there”

Amber and Dan go on a date.  The Mexican public demand they kiss, you have to listen to the natives!  Dan, unlike Joe, tells Amber about his past love.  They make out some more.

Ashley S has decided to become Queen of the Crabs.

We’re back to Joe!  JJ is here to save Juelia’s honor, because, as he so smartly points out, she is a girl.  Somehow siblings are brought into the conversation, because why not.

Second quote of the episode involves JJ and circular references and straight edges, I just have no idea what the heck he said or was trying to say.  Jared throws in some 3rd person, because why not.  He also points out the biggest twist ever, we all like JJ better than Joe.  Villians got to have redeeming plotlines.  JJ busts out the best argument end line ever  “Or what?”  He then threatens to knock Joe’s teeth out.

Coming up

Jared still loves Kaitlyn, not Ashley I, duh.  Joe remains an ass.  New people show up, everyone makes out.  Everyone gets mad and sad and cries.

Let’s also take a moment to acknowledge I have watched all 6 episodes within 5 days, and I am all caught up.  That’s over 9 hours of Paradise.

Bachelor in Paradise: S2 E6: I don’t remember any cast members that aren’t Joe

Bachelor in Paradise- S2 E5: Just so you know, Joe’s a schmo

THERE ARE SO MANY EPISODES

What happened last time because I didn’t actually get to finish watching

It ended in a cliffhanger, not surprising.  Rose ceremony didn’t finish, so I didn’t really miss anything!  All the couple-y couples gave each other roses, as expected.

Three sentence summary

Samantha shows up so Joe’s true colors fly as he screws over Juelia.  Carly and Kirk get it on.  And Dan doesn’t like Ashley Pomengranate S anymore.  And Jorge is the best and deserves his own sentence.

Actual summary

Thank god Jorge the bartender is finally getting his due in the opening credits.

Claire is crying… As Tenley points out, they have the roses, why is it so hard?  She points out this is the 3rd time she’s tried to find love on tv….maybe she should try something else.

Remaining Roses:

Ashley I–Jared

Claire–JJ, I think she just named the first guy she could think of

Juelia–Joe, which we already knew, because he’s about to vill, because villians got to vill (I swear I had no idea he was going to bring it up later in the episode, I think I know this show a little too well)

So Jonathan, Mikey, and Michael all leave, Michael having been there for like five seconds

Joe points out the slogan of the show “Rose before Bros”

Commercial break sidebar- Chris Harrison is in Alias, season 2 episode 1, for one scene, where you don’t see his face.  But I know his voice.  I’m not sure how I feel about that knowledge.

Joe just wants Samantha to come, and here she is!  I’m pretty sure they just give cast members a list of future cast members and say pick one.  Like Samantha had no screen time, so how did he even know her name?  She picks Joe!

Juelia is sad because Samantha is a perfect specimen of a woman, Carly counters with, well it’s not important, the connection is.  Way to build up some self esteem for her.

So here we go, Joe was talking to Samantha before the show, which is why he knows who she is.  And then he lies to Jared about it.  Juelia is upset that Joe is now going on a date after he kissed her goodnight, I think she’s missing the point of the show.

Joe and Samantha’s date is having their picture taken…for People magazine.  Joe points out he has a Dad Bod, I agree.   They make out in the shower…for the sake of the photoshoot.  I don’t want to see this.  Now let’s cut between Juelia crying and Sam and Joe making out.

Jared tries to stop Joe from being an ass, but you can’t stop the ass.  Joe goes to “talk” to Juelia, but really just sits there and stares at the ocean.

No comment on Claire and raccoon bit.

Carly is horny.  Hard to get it on in bunk beds.

Jorge the bartender.  Official best.  I bet he already has found the love of his life and is living happily ever after.

Carly gets the date card and picks Kirk.  Duh.  Kirk is a little reluctant.

Ashley S asks Jorge for his advice on Dan.  Jorge approves.  Dan tells Jade he doesn’t like drama, has he looked around at the other crazy options recently?  Ashley S has been pretty normal this far.

Megan is lost in Mexico, idk why.

Carly and Kirk go on a date.  Carly wants to get married and have babies.  Kirk wants to put on the brakes.

Ashley S tells Dan she really likes him…Dan not so much.  Ashley S says she doesn’t want to bother if Dan doesn’t…and he’s not feeling it

And guess what, neither is Kirk.  Can’t believe how everyone isn’t already in love after like 4 days?!  JK Kirk is embracing the forced love.  Kirk gets a fantasy suite for them, how adorable.  And Sex Island finally lives up to its name.

Megan is here with her sa-brero, oh no.   Don’t worry, she knows she doesn’t speak Spanish.  Megan asks JJ on the date.

Joe and Sam have naughty times in a hot tub.  Let’s just say, it was HANDY to have a hot tub there and don’t go in anytime soon.  Sex Island really living up to its name today.  My friend and I decided they obviously planned it because there are like ten camera angles.  Joe, I’m not surprised, I just want to know why Sam had to go down that slippery path of doom.

Dan is mad Joe is an ass, he wants to beat in Joe’s smoosh face to be even more smooshed.

Side note- Jared and Tanner bff’s forevaaaa

Joe’s American flag shorts definitely aren’t a literal red flag for anything.  Nope, not at all.

Dan brings in Joe so Juelia can call him out.  Joe doesn’t listen very well and continues his asshole streak.  Sam comes in bringing yet another elephant into the room and Juelia takes her away to explain everything that has happened so far.

Coming up

Joe and Sam prove they are the worst people ever.  JJ wants to punch Joe’s face.  A girl (Amber?) shows up and goes out with Dan and Ashley S is not happy.  And there will be a rose ceremony!

Bachelor in Paradise- S2 E5: Just so you know, Joe’s a schmo

Bachelor in Paradise- S2 E4- Everybody loves Tenley

Remember the drama?  Well we’re here to remind you!

Jared asked Claire, not Ashley I on his date.  Mikey was with Claire, he has a “man bun” and hurt feelings.

Claire and Jared go on their date, bungee jumping included.  The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise love forcing the people on the show to do “Romantic” things that they don’t want to do.  Claire moans/squeals the entire time.

Juelia really likes Joe, Joe seems to be an asshole.

Claire comes back and is super excited.  Ashley I cries some more.

Here’s Michael!  Here’s some Des’ season.  I only knew that because every guy on Des’ season looked identical.  And he his token sob story was having diabetes.

Quote of the episode “Her name is Tenley but to me she is my Eleven-ly”

So now Michael, JJ, and Joshua all like Tenley.  Joe fakes like Juelia, and no one likes Ashley I

So all video players refused to show me the end of this episode, so we’ll never know what happens…oh wait, I’ll just use Chris Harrison’s summary to tell you!

Bachelor in Paradise- S2 E4- Everybody loves Tenley

Bachelor in Paradise: S2 E3- It’s called unrequited guys, get used to it

Three sentence summary

Make sure the person you like, actually likes you back!  Two douchebags show up- Joshua and Joe.  Lots of dramaaaa but nothing actually happens.

Actual summary

ABC still doesn’t understand that by watching the episode I’m committing to seeing the entire thing and that I don’t need a preview of what is literally about to happen.

Lauren wants to go home, I don’t care.  She does have the valid point that it’s hell and not paradise.  She wants to leave, because she’s a guy’s mistress…

Joshua is here!  He let Kaitlyn shave his head on her season, to show his love for her.  He hates JJ. Ashley I immediately tells him to take out her sister.

Confirmed- blood tests must occur before coming on the show.  Can’t have syphilis running rampant through the cast.

Joshua asks Tenley on his date.

Lauren doesn’t want to stick around in hell, so she leaves.  No one cares

Smooshed Face Joe!  So there are now 7 girls and 9 guys.

Joe sort of says something like you’ve been on this show twice to Claire.  And she breaks down.  She talks to a raccoon.  Does the staff have a bunch of animals just waiting in the wings to console Claire?

Awkward silences abound, Joe asks if anyone wants to go horseback riding, Juelia says she does.  And then it’s unclear if he actually asked her.

Joshua was a theater major…it took him 5 years to graduate.   Tenley literally used to be a Disney princess.

Quote of the episode, JJ talking about Joshua: “Every so often a blind squirrel finds a nut.”

The moment Tenley gets back, JJ steals her away and they make out.  And then she steals away with Joshua and makes out with him

Joshua starts talking about a place in LA where you can buy coconuts with Molly in them.  To give the other contestants props, they are not down with illegal drugs.  And then Joshua also went to Vegas on Molly.

Mikey proves there is more to him than muscles and testosterone and tells Tenley about how weird and sketchy Joshua is.

Joe and Juelia have a cute date that is cute.  In other news, why are there so many people with J names on this show?

I DO NOT NEED A COMING UP SECTION HALF WAY THROUGH THE EPISODE, I’M WATCHING THE ENTIRE THING- also it’s the same clips every time

Tenley confronts Joshua, and he deny deny denies, but admits to doing Molly.  Tenley wants to believe him

Dan tries to tell Mikey Claire isn’t feeling it, and Mikey doesn’t get it, probably why he also didn’t get that Claire wasn’t feeling him.  It’s hard to get through all those muscles.  Mikey asks Tenley what she thinks, she tries to tell him Claire doesn’t like him, still not getting through.

Juelia is trying to tell Jonathan she’s not picking him.  He put an entire full week into getting to know her, that’s like, a lot of effort

Then Joe is talking to the producer about how he doesn’t actually like Juelia and just wants her rose.  And then he farts, showing how much he really doesn’t care.

Jared gets the next date card and he asks Claire.  Which obviously doesn’t make Ashley I or Mikey happy- bringing us back to our moral- make sure the person you like, actually likes you back.

Kirk with a great quote- “Mikey’s wedding vision board is just ruined.”

Mikey picks a totally unfounded fight with Claire, how could she not actually betray their love that they didn’t have?!  Claire cries.  Mikey cries.  Safe to assume Ashley I is crying.

Coming up next episode

Claire is ready to get it on.  Ashley I is upset.  A guy I have no idea who he is shows up and likes Tenley.  Joe goes crazy.

Bachelor in Paradise: S2 E3- It’s called unrequited guys, get used to it