THERE ARE SO MANY EPISODES
What happened last time because I didn’t actually get to finish watching
It ended in a cliffhanger, not surprising. Rose ceremony didn’t finish, so I didn’t really miss anything! All the couple-y couples gave each other roses, as expected.
Three sentence summary
Samantha shows up so Joe’s true colors fly as he screws over Juelia. Carly and Kirk get it on. And Dan doesn’t like Ashley Pomengranate S anymore. And Jorge is the best and deserves his own sentence.
Thank god Jorge the bartender is finally getting his due in the opening credits.
Claire is crying… As Tenley points out, they have the roses, why is it so hard? She points out this is the 3rd time she’s tried to find love on tv….maybe she should try something else.
Claire–JJ, I think she just named the first guy she could think of
Juelia–Joe, which we already knew, because he’s about to vill, because villians got to vill (I swear I had no idea he was going to bring it up later in the episode, I think I know this show a little too well)
So Jonathan, Mikey, and Michael all leave, Michael having been there for like five seconds
Joe points out the slogan of the show “Rose before Bros”
Commercial break sidebar- Chris Harrison is in Alias, season 2 episode 1, for one scene, where you don’t see his face. But I know his voice. I’m not sure how I feel about that knowledge.
Joe just wants Samantha to come, and here she is! I’m pretty sure they just give cast members a list of future cast members and say pick one. Like Samantha had no screen time, so how did he even know her name? She picks Joe!
Juelia is sad because Samantha is a perfect specimen of a woman, Carly counters with, well it’s not important, the connection is. Way to build up some self esteem for her.
So here we go, Joe was talking to Samantha before the show, which is why he knows who she is. And then he lies to Jared about it. Juelia is upset that Joe is now going on a date after he kissed her goodnight, I think she’s missing the point of the show.
Joe and Samantha’s date is having their picture taken…for People magazine. Joe points out he has a Dad Bod, I agree. They make out in the shower…for the sake of the photoshoot. I don’t want to see this. Now let’s cut between Juelia crying and Sam and Joe making out.
Jared tries to stop Joe from being an ass, but you can’t stop the ass. Joe goes to “talk” to Juelia, but really just sits there and stares at the ocean.
No comment on Claire and raccoon bit.
Carly is horny. Hard to get it on in bunk beds.
Jorge the bartender. Official best. I bet he already has found the love of his life and is living happily ever after.
Carly gets the date card and picks Kirk. Duh. Kirk is a little reluctant.
Ashley S asks Jorge for his advice on Dan. Jorge approves. Dan tells Jade he doesn’t like drama, has he looked around at the other crazy options recently? Ashley S has been pretty normal this far.
Megan is lost in Mexico, idk why.
Carly and Kirk go on a date. Carly wants to get married and have babies. Kirk wants to put on the brakes.
Ashley S tells Dan she really likes him…Dan not so much. Ashley S says she doesn’t want to bother if Dan doesn’t…and he’s not feeling it
And guess what, neither is Kirk. Can’t believe how everyone isn’t already in love after like 4 days?! JK Kirk is embracing the forced love. Kirk gets a fantasy suite for them, how adorable. And Sex Island finally lives up to its name.
Megan is here with her sa-brero, oh no. Don’t worry, she knows she doesn’t speak Spanish. Megan asks JJ on the date.
Joe and Sam have naughty times in a hot tub. Let’s just say, it was HANDY to have a hot tub there and don’t go in anytime soon. Sex Island really living up to its name today. My friend and I decided they obviously planned it because there are like ten camera angles. Joe, I’m not surprised, I just want to know why Sam had to go down that slippery path of doom.
Dan is mad Joe is an ass, he wants to beat in Joe’s smoosh face to be even more smooshed.
Side note- Jared and Tanner bff’s forevaaaa
Joe’s American flag shorts definitely aren’t a literal red flag for anything. Nope, not at all.
Dan brings in Joe so Juelia can call him out. Joe doesn’t listen very well and continues his asshole streak. Sam comes in bringing yet another elephant into the room and Juelia takes her away to explain everything that has happened so far.
Joe and Sam prove they are the worst people ever. JJ wants to punch Joe’s face. A girl (Amber?) shows up and goes out with Dan and Ashley S is not happy. And there will be a rose ceremony!