Are you the One: S3 E1 : No, I don’t think they are the one

Here we go!

So we’re on Hawaii, already a great place to start.

And the question to answer: If your perfect match was standing right in front of you, would you even know it?

I really feel bad for the psychologists that had to spend time learning more about these people.

Time for the explanation of the game.  There’s 20 people to make 10 couples.  Each week they’ll have a matching ceremony to see if they found their true love.  Also as a bonus, you get 1 million dollars if you win.  Which is impressive because MTV’s other reality based competitions don’t pay as well. However, if the contestants are all totally clueless and none of them can even guess and find their match, then the prize money amount goes down. Based on the contestants’ reaction to that news, I would say they are more there for the money than the love.

Let’s meet some contestants.

Cheyenne likes bad boys, the criminal type.

Kiki…is named Kiki

Mike is a male stripper

Connor is 6’8″, I’m not sure if he’s allowed to have any other descriptors besides tall

Rashida dates hot guys

Alec used to be fat

Alec and Rashida just made out, like 5 minutes into meeting each other.

Stacey is from Staten Island

Chuck and his hair are from Hawaii

Hannah is blonde

10 minutes after meeting each other Alec and Stacey make out

Devin does yoga- he’s like really deep

Amanda’s freckles are very nice

Kayla said something to the camera, so I know her name now

They play spin the bottle and Alec then kisses Hannah, Stacey isn’t happy, they just had  their 30 minute anniversary, how could he doe this to her?!?

I’m not sure, but maybe they are single because their “getting to know you tactics” include getting trashed.

Melanie is competitive, which is good, because there’s now a competition.  They will be competing to win a romantic date

Zak has a man bun

Tyler is the token black guy

I cannot understand the words Hunter is saying

Oh wait, Nelson is another token black guy

So people win dates.

Melanie chooses Devin. But Kiki likes Devin from the 10 hours total they’ve known each other.

Cheyenne picks the long haired wonder Chuck

Mike picks Hannah

Hunter picks Kiki, who still loves Devin. Hunter is there for love.

There’s a truth booth, I don’t understand, but truth will happen there.

Kiwi is Devin’s favorite food, so Kiki must be his match. #infallablelogic

So I guess if you go into the Truth Booth it will tell you that you are a true match but then you have to go home and can’t win money.

A great drinking game for this show would be to drink every time they say match, and then die.

The date is to swim with dolphins, but all 4 couples go together.

If the Truth Booth people are matches they get go to the Honeymoon suite.  Hunter and Kiki get to go into the Truth Booth, seconds after Kiki just said she liked Hunter just as a friend. The Truth Booth has a bamboo outside and is a weird space theme inside. They are not a match!

The first Match Up happens.  The guys get to sit down in chairs, and the girls are wearing dresses that don’t have much fabric.

Hannah says her perfect match could be Chuck, they lock in, which I guess means Chuck says Hannah is her perfect match.

Rashida says her match is Tyler

Amanda says Kiki is fake and then there’s a fun screaming match. She then picks Mike

Melanie picks Devin, even though there’s the love triangle. Devin prefers love octagons. Nelson calls him out for saying he wanted to sleep with Kiki and Melanie…at the same time.

Chelsea has had no screen time and picks Connor as her match

Kiki picks Austin

Stacey picks Alec

Brittany picks Hunter, I do not know if that is how she spells her name because I didn’t know she was on this show until now

Cheyenne picks Nelson

Kayla and Zak are left so I guess that makes them the last couple

We get to figure out how many perfect matches there are based on beams of light, because why not.  So if by some weird chance all 10 beams light up, then everyone has found their perfect match and gets a million dollars. Do they split the million dollars? I guess so.

There were 2 perfect matches, which probably makes statistical sense based on random guessing.

Next time

People cry, Mike strips and drama continues!

Are you the One: S3 E1 : No, I don’t think they are the one

Up Next: Are you the One

While pondering what show I should watch while waiting for the Bachelor’s return in January, I had a few criteria.

  • Nothing too serious, it’s kind of hard to make fun of Emmy Award winning series
  • Probably reality tv
  • Something that I would enjoy watching, or at least wouldn’t be too hard to make it through
  • True love is always a bonus

I thought of some shows, including some of the things I’m watching on Netflix, but most of those I’m in the middle of and didn’t want to start summarizing half way through.

And then it came to me.  In the form of an ad that I had seen about five times before it clicked.

Are you the One.

On it’s third season on MTV, the general premise is that there are 20 strangers that match makers and SCIENCE have decided are soulmates.  However, no one knows which one is their true love.  The name of the game is to find out your soulmate, but not be distracted by all of the other reality star gorgeous contestants.   And they’re in Hawaii. Pretty much perfect.

So buckle yourselves in, it’s time to go on our next true love on reality tv ride!

Up Next: Are you the One

There was a finale for Bachelor in Paradise…I didn’t watch it

Can we talk about how the finale for Bachelor in Paradise happened on Labor Day.  A day where no one goes to work and has one last summer hurrah barbecue?  That just really translates into I wasn’t sitting on my butt watching the 2 hour second part of the finale.  I did watch the first part.

And I know what happened.  Tanner proposed to Jade.  Other couples didn’t find love.  The end.

I just wanted everyone to know that it doesn’t really count as slacking if you’re out having a social life instead of watching tv.

Good news, the Bachelor is only 3 months away and starting again in January!  I guess that means I have to suck it up and pick another show to blog about.  Stay tuned because I’ll let you know what that one is!

There was a finale for Bachelor in Paradise…I didn’t watch it

Bachelor in Paradise S 2 E11: Everybody going home

Three sentence summary

Tons and tons of people go home: Jared, Ashely I, Dan, Mikey, Juelia, Jaclyn, Amber, Ashley S, and Chelsea. Cassandra and Justin make a single parent connection. Carly and Kirk implode.

Actual summary

Before we start, I have no idea why they would put the finale on Labor Day weekend.  Maybe they know that most of their viewers don’t have lives.

SHOCKING SEASON FINALE- they say that every finale.  But based on all this crying in the previews, it seems like it might actually be shocking.

Ashley I, afraid that Jared would be swept up by literally any other girl, asked Chris Harrison for a date card.  Which she got, which includes a fantasy suite.  As we all know, she is a virgin, so there is now a possibility that she might lose her virginity…on tv.  There really isn’t much of a date before Ashley I whips out the fantasy suite card.  Jared wants “to see what happens,” I guess why not at this point.

Jorge likes and endorses Mikey, too adorable.  Good thing Mikey isn’t feeling it. He does tell her the truth and we have our first cry of the night. Juelia decides to leave immediately- and literally runs away.

Jaclyn still has a date card, just not a bathing suit bottom. She asks Justin

Here comes Cassandra, she’s from Juan Pablo’s season, she is the 21 year old ex-NBA dancer, except she’s now 23. She wants to ask Justin, except literally five seconds ago Jaclyn asked him. Justin would rather go with Cassandra, so he tells Jaclyn. Jaclyn is not very happy.

Jared and Ashley I came back.  WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Jaclyn sums it up well: Jared is impossible to read and Ashley I is giggly.

Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card, but points out he got her eliminated from Bachelor Pad 3 and then took the money from her best friend in the finale. So this will go well. She makes him roll around in the sand and pose.

Cassandra and Justin go horseback riding on the beach. They bond about being parents. Reminder, neither of their children are named Kale. They make out with some pretty intense background music

The Sam mystery continues as Nick asks her on a date.

Ashley I says “last night was soooooooooooo good.” She also loves to watch him sleep. Jared decides to tell Ashley I he’s not feeling it. He doesn’t know if their connection is strong enough, and decides to leave right now. Ashley I, starts to cry. Also do they have planes on standby?  Or does Jared have to go wait in the airport for hours on end? I do feel like Jared got screwed, no pun intended, because he could have fallen in love with a normal girl but Ashley I had claimed him from day one.

The Sam Vortex of Doom continues. They get a private dinner. Everyone gossips about Sam when she’s not there. Sam makes out with Nick, because why not?

Carly and Kirk are still in love.  Chris Harrison just wanted to have everyone fall in love!

There’s no cocktail party, just straight to the Rose Ceremony because the only people that are staying anyway are people who want to continue their relationships. It’s about commitment and tough decisions.

Ashley I gives a nice speech, Tenley has a theory about whimsical attachments where you like someone who doesn’t like you back, but you learn from them about what you’re looking for in your soulmate. Ashley I says “she’s grown up” so let’s assume that means she’s no longer a virgin.

So it’s been 5 weeks. Chris Harrison lets everyone know that whoever gets/gives a rose, you are deciding if you get a great love story. There are 7 roses, but not all guys have to give the out.

Kirk gives his to Carly, duhhh

Tanner gives his to Jade, also duhhh but pretty soon we’ll see that darn drama they keep teasing us with

Nick gives his rose to Samantha, ugh

Joshua gives his rose to Tenley, duhh

Justin gives his rose to Cassandra, single parents together

Dan gives a speech. He didn’t find love so he’s going home

Mikey has the final rose and gives it to Mackenzie, I think it’s just because he remembered her name before anyone else.  Mackenzie appreciates the gesture, but says no. He doesn’t have any other options- ignoring the like 20 girls he could have also randomly picked, and leaves. Which means Jaclyn, Amber, Ashley S, and Chelsea get to leave.

Chris Harrison shows up and lets everyone know that this week is just about the current couples. Every couple gets a one on one and a fantasy suite. For Justin/Cassandra and Nick/Sam this will be their second date.

Kirk is having second thoughts, the baby convo with Carly freaked him out.  THE TEASERS TRICKED US.  IT’S NOT JADE AND TANNER IT’S CARLY AND KIRK THAT ARE GOING TO EXPLODE.

Carly is 100% confident in her relationship…that’s about to go down in fire-y flames of doom. Tenley must be psychic because she’s nervous. Kirk starts out thanking Carly, well that definitely means this will go well. He’s “a little behind”…jk “a lot behind.”  Carly wants to go home and not have this conversation. He’s been feeling like this for the last week, which is an entire fifth of their relationship.

On a positive note, Carly and Jade’s relationship is adorable and healthy and very nice.  Kirk is none of those things, although he could have been a bigger ass.  He’s just a normal sized ass at this point.

If Tenley calls you out, you know you’re bad.

Carly doesn’t want to talk to Kirk, and tells him, while talking to him.  I will say I’m happy it’s not Jade’s relationship that exploded because I really like Jade and Tanner together.

TOMORROW ON THE SEASON FINALE

Fantasy suites for everyone! Someone gets engaged, and by someone it better be Jade and Tanner because otherwise the couple will have known each other for 2 weeks versus 5.

Bachelor in Paradise S 2 E11: Everybody going home

Bachelor in Paradise s2 e10: Let’s not get married

Three sentence summary

Mackenzie and Justin go on a super weird date.  Jaclyn shows up to cause trouble.  Ashley I gets an fantasy suite card and wants to “do stuff” with Jared.

Actual summary

So you know they’ve got you when you’re excited for Monday night’s episode because it’s only 45 minutes versus the hour and a half Sunday saga.

Juelia gets stung by a jelly fish, Tenley has to pee on her foot…

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fact-or-fiction-urinating/

Carly still wants Chelsea to pick Dan so Sam can go home. Chelsea chooses Nick.  Nick tells Ashley S, she’s not too happy

We get a montage of happy couples- Tenley and Joshua have obviously forgotten about the molly and drugs scandal.  Carly and Kirk have been together since day one.

Mackenzie is here, she’s from Chris’ season, is a mom, and believes in aliens.

Chelsea thinks her yacht is on Beyonce’s level…it’s not.

Dan like likes Sam.  He’s definitely drawing hearts around their names on his notebook.

Nick also likes Sam, I have NO IDEA WHY

Mackenzie is looking for someone to go on a date with.  Her son’s name is Kale.  Justin has a kid too, probably with a normal name.  They go on a date

Here is Jaclyn, she’s from Ben’s season…yeah, don’t really remember much about her, but you can tell from looking at her she’s on a different reality tv star path.  Tanner keeps saying she’s a black widow. As Ashley I says, her reputation is “for being a tough bitch.”  But we do all know:

Mackenzie starts out her date with an important question, what is your last name?  And there’s ropes and drugs, two important ingredients for any great date.  A random Mexican man is not necessarily a part of a great date.  Mackenzie barely understands English so the Spanish is definitely hard for her.  This was literally one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen, and of course they are married in the end.  Nothing says fun quite like exploiting the native’s culture for a reality tv show!

I can’t even, Mackenzie: “If we had kids I don’t think they would be Mexican because neither of us are Mexican.”

Jaclyn might steal Jared away.  Ashley I decides to take action and goes to find Chris Harrison who must just stand around in the forest until someone needs him.  Ashley I wants an overnight date with Jared without cameras, her wish is granted, thanks fairy godmother  Chris Harrison! Jaclyn points out to never trust someone with a belly button ring over 25. Ashley I runs to ask Jared literally seconds before Jaclyn. He says yes…idk why.  Caught between a black widow and a belly button ring. Jared learns it will be an overnight, he looks less than thrilled.  Ashley I makes it very clear she’d like to “do stuff” with Jared

Next time

IT’S THE FINALE.  People cry, new people show up.  But most importantly, let’s talk about Ashley I’s virginity some more!  But let’s not.  Tanner obviously does something not very nice.  And someone gets engaged, I would say most definitely Carly and Kirk.  But we’ll have to stay tuned to see!

Bachelor in Paradise s2 e10: Let’s not get married

Bachelor in Paradise: s2 e9: Samantha sucks

Three sentence summary

Chris B shows up gets drunk and leaves, so Joshua steals his rose to go on a date with Tenley.  Sam decides Joe is a villain and picks Dan instead.  Joe has a phone with text messages.

Actual Summary

Here we go…again

Joe starts out with some solid third person “It’s not fair to Joe.”  Bachelor in Paradise in the running for the most cutthroat reality tv show.

Sam juggles balls instead of men, Tanner says, or just juggling man balls.

Sam decides to not go on the date with Justin because she’s thinking about Joe.  So Justin has to ask Amber, who says yes, because Dan was being too slow.  I don’t know what “slow” means in this context, probably not confessing his undying love for her quite yet.

Joe very awkwardly attempts to explain “awkward turtle”

AND HERE COME CHRIS B.  Joe helpfully lists everything he’s been in, which is a lot,  including originally the Bachelor for Emily’s season, Bachelor Pad, showing up unannounced during limo night for Andi’s season, Bachelor Paradise season one, and now this.

The only thing I remember about Justin is his bad hair, good thing that hasn’t changed.  He and Amber go salsa dancing and makeout.  Even though Amber was just supposedly going on the date to make Dan jealous.  She then cries, that’s how you know it went well.

Chris drinks a lot.  Ashley I calls him a douche, which says a lot about him.

Amber tells Dan she thought about him while on her date.  Dan tells Amber he didn’t think about her at all.  But he does want to be friends.  He doesn’t want to “pull a Joe.”

Chris wants to ask Tenley on a date, obviously she and no one else want to go on a date with him.  Time for another awkward turtle.  Tenley lets him know it would 100% be as friends with no kissing.  Joshua decides there no use to wasting a date card when you’re wasted.  So he asks Chris for it, Chris says yes, probably not being cognizant of what is actually happen.  Chris decides to go home.

There is a terrifying montage as Chris takes off his mic and walks into the jungle never to be seen again (until the next spin off).

Joshua and Tenley go on a date.  I spend the first five minutes trying to figure out what Tenley is wearing, I think it’s a romper.  They get to do something I’m actually jealous of and shop with a professional chef before he makes them a meal.

Dan, coming out of nowhere, says he would only stay for one person, Sam.  I don’t understand.  She really isn’t that pretty and keeps screwing people over.

Rose Ceremony: 8 ladies 9 guys

Ashley I writes Jared a letter, because she knows she isn’t articulate, which is an impressive and true self reflection.

Amber liked Dan, Dan likes Sam.  Justin likes Amber.  Amber likes Justin as friend.  Amber decides Jared is a guy she might like.  She tells Jared this.  She then tells Ashley I about this as well.  Ashley I unsurprisingly cries.

Dan with quote of the night: “Watching Joe and Samantha is like pouring generic ketchup on filet mignon.”  But is he implying Heinz brand ketchup would be okay?

Dan asks Sam why she likes Joe.  She says sort of like love at first sight…maybe her vision isn’t that great.  He then bashes Joe.  Joe has a valid point that you shouldn’t have to bring other people down to build yourself up.  Joe kisses Sam in the bushes.

Unrelated sidebar, I got the GEICO ad where it says “You can’t skip this ad because it’s already over” and it froze five times and took about two minutes to load

Roses

Carly–Kirk

Jade–Tanner

Tenley–Joshua

Juelia–Mikey

Ashley S–Nick

Ashley I–Jared- I thought for a minute he maybe wouldn’t accept her rose

Amber–Justin- she really didn’t have any other choices

Let’s have some super intense music

Sam– Dan

OOH SHITTTTTTTT

Joe is going home.  Joe not happy.  Joe has phone with text messages.  Sam denies denies.  We see the text messages, ABC cannot handle getting a good resolution on the phone, can we try harder people?

Sam tries to apologize, no one believes it.  Ashley S tells Sam she’s pretty. And says she’s like a dead bird…?

While fake crying, Sam says she can’t fake this

Chelsea is here!  She was pretty and cute on Juan Pablo’s season.  Carly doesn’t want Sam to stick around, so she wants Chelsea to pick Dan.

Next time

People are in love.  Mackenzie and crazy girl show.  Poor Jared, no one normal ever likes him.  Ashley I wants a fantasy suite, on no!

Bachelor in Paradise: s2 e9: Samantha sucks