The Bachelorette S14 E8: Let’s eat some wings!

So I missed last week but it’s not really important because it’s final four hometowns!!!!

The last four are:

Garrett who got the first impression rose and likes racist things on Instagram

Jason who has greasy hair and is from Buffalo

Unremarkable other dude

And Colton who hooked up with TiaT.

So a great group of guys.

Garrett goes first and he has a farm themed date! They plant plants! Such fun! Garrett used to be married to a not very nice lady so his family is real protective. But it’s okay because this is a show and Becca will win everyone over.

Time to go to greasy-haired-Jason’s hometown of Buffalo. First they eat some buffalo wings. Becca ate like half of one, that’s a deal breaker for me. I would have eaten at least 20. Then they take their bloated selves ice skating. And then they make out…on a zamboni…while the poor driver just drives it along. I feel so bad for him. She meets his family, they are nice. It is boring. But Jason has to throw out the love word because this is final four here people and we gotta commit.

Time for Blake! I didn’t remember his name! He supposedly had the first one on one but I’m not sure I believe that. So Blake told Becca he loves her and she loves him back but the rules of whether she can tell him are iffy so we’ll just have to wait. And their date starts in Blake’s high school. Whyyyyyyyy. The amount of high schools on this show is insane. Although we learn there was a school shooting there which is sad and gun control is a real thing we need to do. Then there is a surprise concert by Betty Who, she’s a real musician. Where did this budget come from?

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So Blake’s mom has very large hair. And she is a little dubious of this process. This one time Blake had a girlfriend for like 6 months and they broke up and Blake was never going to love again so like this is tough for all of them.

Colton is next. We learned last episode that he is a virgin. Which is odd since he hooked up with Tia. So if they never even got to home base why do we even care? #drama

Their date is going to the hospital to visit some sick kids. Fine Colton, this is nice. Way to use your football fame for good. Colton hasn’t ever brought anyone home, just like he has never had sex. Except twitter is here to remind us all when he dated the olympic gymnast and posted a pic of matching Christmas jammies at his house. The internet knows all Colton, about Garrett’s racist insta likes and your past relationships. Becca gets to discuss Colton’s virginity with his mother, how fun.

Time to bring in the ladies! Becca needs some advice from her friends and oh wait Tia is here and one time Tia hooked up with Colton. So Becca recaps her hometowns and of course says she met Colton’s family. And Tia interrupts her to tell her that she still has feelings for Colton. After that one time they hooked up and didn’t have sex. Tia feels sick to her stomach about it. I never liked Tia and I will continue to not like Tia. Becca is predictably a little upset about her good friend saying that she really likes one of her final four. BOOOOOOOO Tia. BOOOOOOOOOO

Time for the rose ceremony.

To recap we have Garrett that likes inappropriate things on instagram. greasy hair Jason, super cute and my new favorite Blake, and stupid-love-triangle-with-Tia-Colton. Colton decides to talk to Chris Harrison about the expectations of the fantasy suite…instead of talking to Becca. He’s horrible. BOO.

Time for the roses:

New favorite Blake gets the first one

Greasy haired Jason gets the second

And the final rose goes toooooooooo Garrett!

That’s right. Becca is not here for love triangles and sends Colton home!

Colton says he knew Becca was special after she met his family, he maybe should have known that a little earlier.

Time to travel to Thailand for fantasy suites!  Let’s go!!

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The Bachelorette S14 E8: Let’s eat some wings!

The Bachelorette S14 E5: No more Danke Schoen or golden underwear

We’re in Vegas this week so it’s time to take a gamble on love! We can stop the gambling references here, and by that I mean every other sentence seems like it will be a pun or reference.

Colton gets the first one-on-one of the week. Hopefully he’s not actually the two-on-one with Tia showing up. Their date is riding camels…because that’s what you do in Vegas? We get the first oddly placed hot tub of the season – in the middle of a camel field in the middle of Vegas. We get to Colton’s backstory and he has only been in love once and was broken up with.

The group date is Wills, Garret, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. Which meanssssssssssss Chicken David and Model Jordan are on the 2-on-1. Say what you will but the producers give us what we want.

Back to Colton and how he and Becca have already overcome sooooooo many obstacles. Like that one time Colton hooked up with Tia 5 months and then told Becca about it. He obviously gets the rose. And he does it, he says it, he’s falling in love with Becca.

On the group date they get to hang out with Wayne Newton (?). I guess he sings, he does have the entirety of all the Botox in the world in his face. And the guys have to write songs for her. Chris already had to do this exact thing on his one-on-one date so he’s an old pro for this. And of course the guys have to all perform for a live audience. Which means we have to watch too. #whyyyyy Nothing like 5,000 horrible renditions of Danke Schoen.

Chris decides to just go for it and once again already had to do this once and did a passably good job and made up for the utter lack of pitch with some enthusiasm.

David and Jordan officially get their 2-on-1 date card. Lots of posturing happening here.

Back to the group date, Chris is realllllllly confident in himself. And dude whose name I don’t know confesses that he is falling in love with Becca. Idk he’s generically white. Oh wait his name is Blake and he gets the group date rose. Becca isn’t messing around with dudes not confessing how they are falling. Chris internalizes the fact he didn’t get the rose and also didn’t get much alone time and says he must be going home. Calm down Chris, calm downnn.

Time for our two-on-one and it’s in the middle of the desert. YASSS. I’d personally send them both home. David starts out strong by spending his alone time by talking about Jordan. David feels great about this conversation, oh David. He says that Jordan was walking around talking about how he could marry models but is going to settle with Becca. Jordan dismisses this and then launches into his sob story. His mom has multiple mental illnesses but his dad still loves her. Are we going to get a Dean hometown part 2? #pleaseno. Jordan’s greatest power is being Jordan, that is not David’s greatest power. Becca feels like she is back in 6th grade. I agree Becca. Send them homeeeeeeeeeee. She sends David home but isn’t necessarily giving Jordan that rose just yet.

Now Jordan gets a one-on-one pretty much for the rest of the date with dinner with Becca. They get really deep and we find out that Becca goes to brunch on Sundays. And Jordan puts a lot of effort into his appearance with the gym and skincare. He shows off how he can move like any muscle in his face and wishes if he only had his portfolio to show Becca. And because Becca is great, she isn’t giving the rose to Jordan either. Even his facial muscles cannot save the date.

Jordan takes it well by listing all of his accomplishments: he can speak, he can walk. He’ll be doing those things at home from now on.

I’m just going to say it- I have not liked any of Becca’s rose ceremony dresses so far.

Becca grabs Chris first because Chris has been on the complain train of not getting any alone time. Chris starts with the fact that Becca owes him 50,000 kisses. NOPE. Becca needs someone who is a partner and will be there to split it 50/50. Not 50,000/0.

Chris doesn’t want it to end badly and goes to steal Becca away from Wills and Wills gives him 2 minutes, but 2 minutes exactly. He is not messing around. And he doesn’t back down even while Chris awkwardly refuses to leave. And then Chris and Wills return to the other guys and we establish that Chris sucks some more as he argues with everyone.

Chris gets that alone time though to say he is falling for Becca but is a little scared. He is just putting himself out there and stuff.

Time for some rosesssssss. Remember Blake and Colton already have theirs.

Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, some other dudes I missed, anddddddd the last rose goes to Chris. Boo.

That means John of internet Venmo fame goes home.

Time for a change of scenery, time for somewhere super fun….Richmond, Virginia!

The Bachelorette S14 E5: No more Danke Schoen or golden underwear

The Bachelorette S14 E4: I love you…r cologne

We pick up with the rose ceremony cliffhanger.

The one dude tries to lighten things up by talking about kids…on his bunkbed. Oh wait he’s Blake, but Blake be more smooth than your bunkbed! And be more considerate to the fact David broke his face when he fell off the bunkbed.

Becca decide to give Jordan the underwear wearing model some gold booty shorts. But oh wait broken face chicken David is back to interrupt. And Jordan isn’t threatened because he’s the prettiest but he sure does talk about David a lot. Becca gives David a pity rose- oh wait, just normal rose- sureeeeeee, so he doesn’t have to stand up during the rose ceremony.

So it’s time for the actual rose ceremony and Jason gets the first rose, but oh wait, there is a dude in a track suit…I don’t know why.  Wills, Nick (forever now known as tracksuit guy), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc is the last to get the rose.

Sending silly long haired dude and generic other dude home. And it’s time to move on from the mansion and go to Utah.

Garrett gets the first one-on-one of the date. He also got the first impression rose which statistically leads to lots of success. They get to walk around the town and spend some time in a souvenir shop…a great way to start a date.

Let’s check in with the boys! And they are discussing the very controversial topic of the world being…flat. That’s right, Lincoln thinks the world is flat. And I’m not saying the people on this show are smart, but at least the other guys are looking at him like he’s insane.

Becca and Garrett get to go bobsledding and meet some former Olympians, that happen to be lesbians, and this happens to be important because Garret likes to like homophobic racist things on instagram. So don’t be dazzled by his smile, we’re critical. Becca is definitely dazzled.

And I missed some of the middle which I will fill in later!

But first Jean Blanc is going to give Becca some perfume because he’s a cologne connoisseur. Becca isn’t feeling it. Jean Blanc goes ahead and tells Becca he’s falling in love with her. And she doesn’t say anything, because this is realllllllllll early. But like jk he doesn’t mean it. And he’s going home, because it’s too much too early. But oh wait he questions the gift he just gave her. It gets more awkward just when you think it’s done.

And Becca is done with this crap and this date and not giving out a rose because all she wants is honesty and you go girl.

Wills has the one-on-one after that horrendous date, so let’s see how this works for him. All the dudes wanted one-on-ones but now that Becca is being serious they are all running scared. But Wills is stepping up to the plate and going to try. They get to snow mobile through some snow and get a picnic, which I feel would be really cold on your butt.

So Wills has to solidify the fact that he is not the asshole of Jean Blanc by telling his sob story of his girlfriend that cheated on him. And Becca can relate because this one time the supreme asshole of Arie was an ass. Wills gets the rose, he seems like a nice boy. Which is nice.

But oh hey we only have 13 more minutes left which means no rose ceremony. But we get the beginning of the cocktail party. OH JK. There is not cocktail party, we’re going straight to roseeeeeeeeeeee. YES.

Leo gets the first rose, then Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John (I think), Chris, David, and the final rose goes to Jordan, surprise surprise.

So going home are Nick and Christon (??). Bye boys.

And they are going to Vegas next. But oh wait, Jordan has never been last place in his entire life, so watch out he’s a sponge and if you squeeze him you can get everything out of him but you never know until you try….?

The Bachelorette S14 E4: I love you…r cologne

The Bachelorette S14 E3: Let’s not get injured

Okay let’s not waste any time!

There’s a literal storm a brewing and it’s raining and we need some drama.

The first group date is a spa with some relaxing, so obviously we need to bring Tia in so we can address the Colton/Tia hookup drama. Tia talks about how like how could she ever know that Colton would get on the show and Colton is like really concerned about his relationship progressing. And the guys paint a lot of nails. And of course a few got theirs painted as well #soprogessive

The second half is pretty lame but we learn that Jordan has 1,000 Tinder matches, which is like a lot. But this somehow turns into 4,000 matches which is just physically impossible. And Jordan isn’t messing around, he is professionality. And don’t try to red underline squiggly me, that’s now a word.

Chris gets the one-on-one for this episode.

We leave the Tinder drama to go back to Colton one time had sex with Tia drama. He is totally here for her and allllllllllllll of the right reasons. So we just accept that and move on to making out with him. He also scores the group rose so it’s definitely his day.

It’s still raining and time for Chris’ date and there is much music. And it is realllllllll awkward as the famous dude (who I learned is Richard Marx) plays the piano and then stops singing making Becca and Chris pick up the words horribly. And then they have to write their love song. Chris’ face definitely fell when he heard that and it’s like really hard to be vulnerable and write a random song that means nothing.

And then this one time Trump met Kim Jung-Un and interrupted my show for like a long time.

BUT BACK TO THE REAL BUSINESS. Chris’ parents like got divorced and it’s hard to be vulnerable but don’t worry he gets the rose. And don’t worry, the super awkward composer dude is here to sing his one song as they awkwardly dance.

BUT NEVERMIND ABOUT THAT THE AMBULANCE IS HERE.  So last night David went to the hospital and went to intensive care. He literally fell out of bed and onto his face. THIS IS GOLD. Becca calls to confirm he isn’t dead, just stupid.

Time for the group date, it’s #sportsball themed! Let’s play football. Good thing Clay was a football dude. They literally do drills. Like literally running and exercise stuff. Just another reason to not understand #sports.  Omg but Clay got injured while showing that he is a real football dude and has to go to the hospital (notice how he is going to the hospital not because he fell out of bed onto his face *cough cough David*)

During the second part of the date Garrett is adorbs and his internet history still sucks (WHYYY) and Becca makes out with a lotttttta guys. Clay comes back and he has a sling and a sense of humor because he got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette. Becca is definitely into slings and Clay gets the rose (yay!).

Time for the cocktail party, we learn that Clay’s doctor says that he needs to go get surgery to fix his wrist. And he has to go do that now. Noooooooooooooooooo. NOoooooooooooo not Clay. 😦

And we have the first cliffhanger of the season BECAUSE OF COURSE WE DO. But David and his broken face are back so that should be fun.

 

 

The Bachelorette S14 E3: Let’s not get injured

The Bachelorette S14 E1: Let’s do the thing

Remember that one time Arie was a giant ass mess of disaster and douche bag of a season of The Bachelor??! Well we’re here to make it right by making Becca the next bachelorette and she is ready to find some non-asshole themed love.

So let’s do the darn thing!

We get a recap of that one time Arie broke up with Becca on live tv, because that was great to relive. Poor Becca, but she’s over it now and ready for some men to fall over her and fight for her attention.

Becca gets some advice from arguably the most kickass bachelorettes of the past- Rachel, Jojo, and Kaitlyn. The rose was obviously flowing as they give her some actually good advice so now she is ready to go get some men. Rachel also burns the most giant, phallic piece of sage ever to cleanse the mansion of the stupid-ass Arie juju, which I definitely appreciate.

We get some fun profiles, including the former pro football player who now has a charity and a super cute dog, so I’m down for that. And a guy from Chicago named Joe that owns a grocery store.

Chris Harrison welcomes Becca and it’s time to meet the men.

Our super fun welcome gags include:

a chicken, a hearse, an oxen, a gospel choir, oh and a cut out Arie.

Becca met some of this men live, on the super awkward After the Final Rose special, so it would seem they might have a leg up, but this is The Bachelorette and really only based on superficial assumptions.

For some superficial assumptions of the first cocktail party:

some dude is wearing gym shoes who literally dunks over Becca, a chicken that clucks, and some kind of actual conversations.

But omg you guys Chase has a marketing firm and he may not be here…FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. So Chase’s ex-girlfriend texts Chris R. that Chase isn’t there for the right reasons. Not only is this convoluted, it’s so drama filled. Chase only hung out with that girl for like a month. So Chase has to head this thing off and tell Becca it directly. Chase, she doesn’t even know your name yet, you’re getting ahead of yourself. He’s #notthatguy. But I feel like he is, because he goes to get Chris R. so they can all explain it together. Yup. Just even more confusing.

So Becca is now on the theme of here for the wrong reasons and decides to talk to this “Jake” who is also from “Minnesota” and has met Becca before but never expressed an interest. Jake affirms that he is totally here for “the right reasons,” but Becca isn’t here for that and is sending his ass home right now. Dayummmm girl, she is not messing around. Jake counters with the fact he has had a “very transformative year” and is a different person from that one time they met a Christmas party.  Buh bye Jake.

Becca is not messing around. We learn that she is def not a Harry Potter fan, it’s “Expecto PatroNUM” not PatroNUS.

Becca grabs Garrett and the first impression at the same time. They laughed they had a great time, he gets the rose. AWW. He did pull up in a minivan. But no aww because the internet always knows and he supposedly has some sketchy instagram activity in his past, this is why we can’t have nice things.

Time for the first rose ceremony of the season. LET’S GOOOO.

Because we obviously don’t know anyone’s names right now, let’s just stereotype them all by their outfits and looks for who gets the roses.

Some dude, some other dude in a red jacket, some other dude, other dude, a dude named Clay, Will(s), Conner, Jason, other dudes, Alex, Nick, Trent (omg such a white dude name), Colton (omg it gets even whiter), David (he’s in a chicken suit), Jordan (he’s a male model), Leo the lion (he’s a stuntman), Mike (he has a man bun), andddddddddddddddddd Chris R. Thank goodness those texts he got from that one dude’s ex-fling didn’t mess up his chances for true love.

Dudes going home include dude with the text messages, some other dude, greasy hair dude, the social media participant Kamil, Joe the dude from Chicago.

On this season of The Bachelorette……

There are a lot of bow ties, Becca wears super cute outfits, there are sports themed dates, people are in love, and of course there is lots of crying. Lincoln is not an honest Abe. Jordan is a male model #professionality. Colton is a “virgin” and a bitch. I AM HERE FOR THIS. Someone goes out in an ambulance. YASSSSSSSSSss.

 

The Bachelorette S14 E1: Let’s do the thing

The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

Emily starts the episode off by talking with some of her besties at the park. It’s really just a coverup so she can dump Ricki on one of the ladies. Sneaky Emily.

Back to the boys. Chris Harrison explains how the dates work. Ryan gets the first date card.

So we all hate Kalon, but he describes the house the best way I’ve ever heard “It’s like being in a frat house from hell, on steroids.”  Arie also gets a soundbite to say that when Emily wears normal clothes she also looks great. Get you a woman who can do both.

Ryan’s date starts with them going to Emily’s house…to unload groceries. And make cookies. They use a whisk to make chocolate chip cookies, Emily should know better than that. The most exciting date ever continues as Emily delivers the cookies to Ricki’s soccer team and makes Ryan stay in the car.car.PNG

Ryan luckily gets another part of the date and gets to go out to dinner with Emily. Two things to establish. Emily pretty much yells everything. “YOU LOOK NICE.” And Ryan is color blind because the dress Emily is wearing is definitely magenta, not red.

There’s a group date with a bunch of dudes, including Jef (ew) but not Arie 😦  Kalon also gets to go and has no worries that the date card mentions a stage, probably because he’s using reality tv as a platform to promote himself.

Back to Ryan’s date, and we get the first awkward concert of the season! He gets the rose because they have such a strong connection.

The group date is a variety show with the muppets! There are three groups: singers, dancers, and a stand up group. The producers do really love to see the men squirm. So Charlie one time fell off a roof and smashed his head in and has trouble with words and reading and is just terrified to do comedy. So he asks to change to another group. AWWWW. It’s adorbs. We can skip recapping the show, because we all know it was going to be painful, not the muppets, all the awkward men.

We get the typical after activity cocktails where the men get to talk to Emily. Emily tells Chris B. that he is so incredibly attractive. Chris doubts that anyone else will have such a strong connection. I don’t think that’s a “connection.”

She’s worried that Jef doesn’t like her because he’s too cool. Maybe she should listen to these signs and boot off his stupid one F too cool attitude!

Joe gets the second one-on-one. Which means no date for Arie 😦

Kalon likes to stir things up. And stirs that pot so well. We gotta have a villain. Jef gets the stupid group date rose. Stupid Jef.

Joe gets to go to West Virginia, where Emily is from, for their date. They go to Greenbrier a giant mansion resort thing that most definitely used to be a slave plantation. Emily got her first makeover there…? I guess that’s a West Virginia tradition. She used to hang out in this giant fancy hotel all the time during her childhood. That’s one nice childhood. They then get to have a fancy dinner at the fancy hotel. Emily tries to ask him some real questions and Joe avoids answering them by just asking them back at her. Oh Joe.

There’s also a #loveclock at this hotel. Because why wouldn’t there be. And you get to write a wish and shove it in the clock and it comes true.

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Joe wishes to come back to this ridiculous hotel one day with Emily. Well we all know that the #loveclock is a load of crap. Because Joe’s wish isn’t coming true anytime soon because he’s going home. Emily isn’t messing around and doesn’t have time for Joes that are incapable of answering questions. At least he got dumped in a fancy hotel instead of a field in the middle of nowhere.

Cocktail party time! Arie finally gets some screen time. They talk about how nice Arizona is. And he dated a girl with children before, and he loves kids. OMG he’s so great. Emily is nervous around him, because he’s adorbs.

So Ryan got the first one-on-one date rose. And he’s talking to Emily at the rose ceremony. AND THAT IS NOT OKAY. Let’s all ambush him! So Ryan wrote Emily a letter about how he feels. And Emily reads it. And Tony has now gone to ambush this and is awkwardly standing in the corner while she reads it. I feel so awkward for all of them. It’s 5 years later and I still feel awkward.

After five million years of the longest letter ever, Tony finally has his chance to pull out his trump card and reveal he’s a single dad. Because nothing works quite as well as gunning for a pity rose.

Kalon gets some one-on-one time, he’s an old soul stuck in a young man’s body. His priorities are just different. You know, his helicopter riding priorities, and extravagant money priorities. Sean is intimidated by Kalon’s “vocabulary” and how he uses it to show his dominance…? Kalon and his damn fancy words. Another great quote about Kalon from Wolf “I have a rule, if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, then you’re a ****.” I don’t disagree.

Emily has to send two men home tonight. I really cannot name more than 5 of them. So I would suggest the strategy of eeny meeny miny mo. Or just calling them man #1-#14. Remember, Jef (ugh) and Ryan (whatever) already have roses. Here are the actual names of the men she picks (with my added notes):

  • Kalon (the rich asshole)
  • Arie (the next Bachelor)
  • Michael (he has a ponytail and that’s all I’ve got on him)
  • Nate (generic white dude)
  • Sean (the next Bachelor chronologically)
  • Chris (the reality tv asshole)
  • Doug ( he has the 12ish year old kid)
  • Travis (no idea)
  • Tony (awkwardly stands in rooms and has a kid)
  • John (idk)
  • Alessandro (has a fun name)
  • Charlie (feel off a balcony that one time)
  • Alejandro (almost as fun as of a name as Alessandro)
  • Stevie (he really likes the muppets, I think)

So Aaron (he was wearing glasses) and Kyle (yet another generic white dude) are going home.

It looks like we get an Arie one-on-one next episode so get ready!

 

 

The Bachelorette S8 E2 Recap: No dates for Arie :(

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S ALL OVER NOW.

Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.

To remind you- we have the top three.

Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.

Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.

And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.

Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.

More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.

And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.

But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.

They wake up happy. Ugh.

Now time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs

Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.

Back to the actual show.

Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?

Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up.  They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!

Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.

Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.

FREAKING BRYAN. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦

Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.

Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.

So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.

And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.

And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH