Emily starts the episode off by talking with some of her besties at the park. It’s really just a coverup so she can dump Ricki on one of the ladies. Sneaky Emily.
Back to the boys. Chris Harrison explains how the dates work. Ryan gets the first date card.
So we all hate Kalon, but he describes the house the best way I’ve ever heard “It’s like being in a frat house from hell, on steroids.” Arie also gets a soundbite to say that when Emily wears normal clothes she also looks great. Get you a woman who can do both.
Ryan’s date starts with them going to Emily’s house…to unload groceries. And make cookies. They use a whisk to make chocolate chip cookies, Emily should know better than that. The most exciting date ever continues as Emily delivers the cookies to Ricki’s soccer team and makes Ryan stay in the car.
Ryan luckily gets another part of the date and gets to go out to dinner with Emily. Two things to establish. Emily pretty much yells everything. “YOU LOOK NICE.” And Ryan is color blind because the dress Emily is wearing is definitely magenta, not red.
There’s a group date with a bunch of dudes, including Jef (ew) but not Arie 😦 Kalon also gets to go and has no worries that the date card mentions a stage, probably because he’s using reality tv as a platform to promote himself.
Back to Ryan’s date, and we get the first awkward concert of the season! He gets the rose because they have such a strong connection.
The group date is a variety show with the muppets! There are three groups: singers, dancers, and a stand up group. The producers do really love to see the men squirm. So Charlie one time fell off a roof and smashed his head in and has trouble with words and reading and is just terrified to do comedy. So he asks to change to another group. AWWWW. It’s adorbs. We can skip recapping the show, because we all know it was going to be painful, not the muppets, all the awkward men.
We get the typical after activity cocktails where the men get to talk to Emily. Emily tells Chris B. that he is so incredibly attractive. Chris doubts that anyone else will have such a strong connection. I don’t think that’s a “connection.”
She’s worried that Jef doesn’t like her because he’s too cool. Maybe she should listen to these signs and boot off his stupid one F too cool attitude!
Joe gets the second one-on-one. Which means no date for Arie 😦
Kalon likes to stir things up. And stirs that pot so well. We gotta have a villain. Jef gets the stupid group date rose. Stupid Jef.
Joe gets to go to West Virginia, where Emily is from, for their date. They go to Greenbrier a giant mansion resort thing that most definitely used to be a slave plantation. Emily got her first makeover there…? I guess that’s a West Virginia tradition. She used to hang out in this giant fancy hotel all the time during her childhood. That’s one nice childhood. They then get to have a fancy dinner at the fancy hotel. Emily tries to ask him some real questions and Joe avoids answering them by just asking them back at her. Oh Joe.
There’s also a #loveclock at this hotel. Because why wouldn’t there be. And you get to write a wish and shove it in the clock and it comes true.
Joe wishes to come back to this ridiculous hotel one day with Emily. Well we all know that the #loveclock is a load of crap. Because Joe’s wish isn’t coming true anytime soon because he’s going home. Emily isn’t messing around and doesn’t have time for Joes that are incapable of answering questions. At least he got dumped in a fancy hotel instead of a field in the middle of nowhere.
Cocktail party time! Arie finally gets some screen time. They talk about how nice Arizona is. And he dated a girl with children before, and he loves kids. OMG he’s so great. Emily is nervous around him, because he’s adorbs.
So Ryan got the first one-on-one date rose. And he’s talking to Emily at the rose ceremony. AND THAT IS NOT OKAY. Let’s all ambush him! So Ryan wrote Emily a letter about how he feels. And Emily reads it. And Tony has now gone to ambush this and is awkwardly standing in the corner while she reads it. I feel so awkward for all of them. It’s 5 years later and I still feel awkward.
After five million years of the longest letter ever, Tony finally has his chance to pull out his trump card and reveal he’s a single dad. Because nothing works quite as well as gunning for a pity rose.
Kalon gets some one-on-one time, he’s an old soul stuck in a young man’s body. His priorities are just different. You know, his helicopter riding priorities, and extravagant money priorities. Sean is intimidated by Kalon’s “vocabulary” and how he uses it to show his dominance…? Kalon and his damn fancy words. Another great quote about Kalon from Wolf “I have a rule, if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, then you’re a ****.” I don’t disagree.
Emily has to send two men home tonight. I really cannot name more than 5 of them. So I would suggest the strategy of eeny meeny miny mo. Or just calling them man #1-#14. Remember, Jef (ugh) and Ryan (whatever) already have roses. Here are the actual names of the men she picks (with my added notes):
- Kalon (the rich asshole)
- Arie (the next Bachelor)
- Michael (he has a ponytail and that’s all I’ve got on him)
- Nate (generic white dude)
- Sean (the next Bachelor chronologically)
- Chris (the reality tv asshole)
- Doug ( he has the 12ish year old kid)
- Travis (no idea)
- Tony (awkwardly stands in rooms and has a kid)
- John (idk)
- Alessandro (has a fun name)
- Charlie (feel off a balcony that one time)
- Alejandro (almost as fun as of a name as Alessandro)
- Stevie (he really likes the muppets, I think)
So Aaron (he was wearing glasses) and Kyle (yet another generic white dude) are going home.
It looks like we get an Arie one-on-one next episode so get ready!