Bachelor in Paradise S 2 E11: Everybody going home

Three sentence summary

Tons and tons of people go home: Jared, Ashely I, Dan, Mikey, Juelia, Jaclyn, Amber, Ashley S, and Chelsea. Cassandra and Justin make a single parent connection. Carly and Kirk implode.

Actual summary

Before we start, I have no idea why they would put the finale on Labor Day weekend.  Maybe they know that most of their viewers don’t have lives.

SHOCKING SEASON FINALE- they say that every finale.  But based on all this crying in the previews, it seems like it might actually be shocking.

Ashley I, afraid that Jared would be swept up by literally any other girl, asked Chris Harrison for a date card.  Which she got, which includes a fantasy suite.  As we all know, she is a virgin, so there is now a possibility that she might lose her virginity…on tv.  There really isn’t much of a date before Ashley I whips out the fantasy suite card.  Jared wants “to see what happens,” I guess why not at this point.

Jorge likes and endorses Mikey, too adorable.  Good thing Mikey isn’t feeling it. He does tell her the truth and we have our first cry of the night. Juelia decides to leave immediately- and literally runs away.

Jaclyn still has a date card, just not a bathing suit bottom. She asks Justin

Here comes Cassandra, she’s from Juan Pablo’s season, she is the 21 year old ex-NBA dancer, except she’s now 23. She wants to ask Justin, except literally five seconds ago Jaclyn asked him. Justin would rather go with Cassandra, so he tells Jaclyn. Jaclyn is not very happy.

Jared and Ashley I came back.  WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Jaclyn sums it up well: Jared is impossible to read and Ashley I is giggly.

Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card, but points out he got her eliminated from Bachelor Pad 3 and then took the money from her best friend in the finale. So this will go well. She makes him roll around in the sand and pose.

Cassandra and Justin go horseback riding on the beach. They bond about being parents. Reminder, neither of their children are named Kale. They make out with some pretty intense background music

The Sam mystery continues as Nick asks her on a date.

Ashley I says “last night was soooooooooooo good.” She also loves to watch him sleep. Jared decides to tell Ashley I he’s not feeling it. He doesn’t know if their connection is strong enough, and decides to leave right now. Ashley I, starts to cry. Also do they have planes on standby?  Or does Jared have to go wait in the airport for hours on end? I do feel like Jared got screwed, no pun intended, because he could have fallen in love with a normal girl but Ashley I had claimed him from day one.

The Sam Vortex of Doom continues. They get a private dinner. Everyone gossips about Sam when she’s not there. Sam makes out with Nick, because why not?

Carly and Kirk are still in love.  Chris Harrison just wanted to have everyone fall in love!

There’s no cocktail party, just straight to the Rose Ceremony because the only people that are staying anyway are people who want to continue their relationships. It’s about commitment and tough decisions.

Ashley I gives a nice speech, Tenley has a theory about whimsical attachments where you like someone who doesn’t like you back, but you learn from them about what you’re looking for in your soulmate. Ashley I says “she’s grown up” so let’s assume that means she’s no longer a virgin.

So it’s been 5 weeks. Chris Harrison lets everyone know that whoever gets/gives a rose, you are deciding if you get a great love story. There are 7 roses, but not all guys have to give the out.

Kirk gives his to Carly, duhhh

Tanner gives his to Jade, also duhhh but pretty soon we’ll see that darn drama they keep teasing us with

Nick gives his rose to Samantha, ugh

Joshua gives his rose to Tenley, duhh

Justin gives his rose to Cassandra, single parents together

Dan gives a speech. He didn’t find love so he’s going home

Mikey has the final rose and gives it to Mackenzie, I think it’s just because he remembered her name before anyone else.  Mackenzie appreciates the gesture, but says no. He doesn’t have any other options- ignoring the like 20 girls he could have also randomly picked, and leaves. Which means Jaclyn, Amber, Ashley S, and Chelsea get to leave.

Chris Harrison shows up and lets everyone know that this week is just about the current couples. Every couple gets a one on one and a fantasy suite. For Justin/Cassandra and Nick/Sam this will be their second date.

Kirk is having second thoughts, the baby convo with Carly freaked him out.  THE TEASERS TRICKED US.  IT’S NOT JADE AND TANNER IT’S CARLY AND KIRK THAT ARE GOING TO EXPLODE.

Carly is 100% confident in her relationship…that’s about to go down in fire-y flames of doom. Tenley must be psychic because she’s nervous. Kirk starts out thanking Carly, well that definitely means this will go well. He’s “a little behind”…jk “a lot behind.”  Carly wants to go home and not have this conversation. He’s been feeling like this for the last week, which is an entire fifth of their relationship.

On a positive note, Carly and Jade’s relationship is adorable and healthy and very nice.  Kirk is none of those things, although he could have been a bigger ass.  He’s just a normal sized ass at this point.

If Tenley calls you out, you know you’re bad.

Carly doesn’t want to talk to Kirk, and tells him, while talking to him.  I will say I’m happy it’s not Jade’s relationship that exploded because I really like Jade and Tanner together.

TOMORROW ON THE SEASON FINALE

Fantasy suites for everyone! Someone gets engaged, and by someone it better be Jade and Tanner because otherwise the couple will have known each other for 2 weeks versus 5.

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Bachelor in Paradise S 2 E11: Everybody going home

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