The Bachelor S21 E9 Part 1: Whose fantasy is this?

This week’s episode is only 1 hour for some reason, which means next week is 3 HOURS LONG.

It’s ANDIIIIIIII! In case you don’t know Andi was how Nick first started on his journey to love. He was in her top two. But like omg what is she doing here??! This isn’t planned at all. They have a great heart to heart. Which involves Andi straight out asking if he is planning on having sex with them. Nick pretends he doesn’t know. HAHAHA YEAH RIGHT. Nick is so confident in the process after their great heart to heart.

And of course because this season is so freaking ridiculous we get in the ‘coming up’ section that Raven is going to Finland AND she has never had an orgasm. This is such a quality show.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Remember these, they’re supposed to happen at the end of the episode each week but Nick doesn’t follow any rules so we haven’t had one in forever.

Raven gets the first rose which oh wait we already knew. Then Rachel, who as we all know is the Bachelorette so like, when does she actually go home? And finally………VANESSA. BUH BYE CORINNE. NICE KNOWING YOU. And sincerely nice knowing your nanny, Raquel.

Corinne has learned her lesson and will never kiss up to a man again. Well good for you Corinne. Good luck on your journey in love that will definitely include Bachelor in Paradise.

Now it’s time to go to…………..Finland…? No offense Finland but there’s definitely been better finale locations. I’m sure you’re great but I kind of want more than a few hours of sunlight a day.

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite date.  They get to have a nice helicopter ride. They go to a bar. And Raven is scared of saying I love you. And the sex, because she’s never had an orgasm. Which I didn’t need to know. Their date continues as Nick wears a ridiculous turtleneck sweater and talks to Raven in the candlelight. Raven takes 10 of this hour long episode’s minutes to declare her love for Nick. But it’s cute because Raven is cute. She super eagerly accepts the Fantasy Suite invite. But gives Nick two things to think of- she’s only been with one man, her ex, and he never made her orgasm. Because it’s 2017 and we should be direct and to the point with what we want as women. And we know what Raven wants.

Next week:

3 HOURS BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A LIFE I GUESS

Do we find out if Raven is ‘satisified’??? Rachel will probably not win since she’s the bachelorette. And Vanessa wears a cute one piece bathing suit.

And then it’s women tell all where we dredge up drama that didn’t happen! And discuss Corinne. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO #cheesepasta #platinumvagine

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The Bachelor S21 E9 Part 1: Whose fantasy is this?

The Bachelor S21 E8: Let’s go home!

It’s time for hometowns y’all!

And first one up is Raven! Which normally means we’ll forget about her by the end of the episode, it’s not Raven’s fault that Arkansas just isn’t that fun. They start off by going mudding- ie driving this vehicle thing through a swamp so you get really dirty and then rolling around in that said swamp. SO. MANY. DISEASES. Pretty sure that swamp is where those little fish that swim up your dick and kill you live. Yup, fact check that if you want to, because that’s definitely what is living in that swamp.

After #swampdate we get to meet Raven’s family. They are a normal family and live in a normal sized house with normal backyard furniture that is definitely more function than decoration because those metal chairs don’t look comfortable. But Nick has to sit in them to reaffirm to Raven’s Poppa that he’s a good guy with good intentions…….sure.

Next up is Rachel in Dallas. Rachel in case you forget is still going to be the next Bachelorette. So when she takes Nick to church as the first part of the date she further solidifies just how far out of his league she is. Next up is family time! Unfortunately we don’t get to meet the judge because he probably takes his career seriously and doesn’t need to be on reality tv. But we meet the rest of Rachel’s family and gasp- they are all black! So we should talk about that on screen for an extended period of time. But don’t worry, not only is Nick ‘color blind’ and able to see beyond Rachel’s super gorgeous skin, her sister has already married a super awkward white dude so Nick should fit in quite well with their family.

The moment we have all been waiting for is here…..RAQUEL. Oh wait, first Corinne and Nick have to go on a shopping spree throughout Miami where Corinne purchases an outfit for Nick that is $3,000. I’m still trying to think of something that is $3,000 that doesn’t involve buying a car or part of a house and am still coming up with nothing. But don’t worry, Nick’s new super generic super expensive outfit looks fine as they go and meet the most important person ever….RAQUEL. So Raquel is an incredibly nice lady that just wants Corinne to be happy which is adorable but still, #freeraquel. Corinne’s dad is Greek and makes Greek olives and forces Nick to chomp on some. Nick doesn’t eat olives very often but sure does love Corinne’s Dad’s ‘olives.’ Yuppppp. He gets interrogated by her dad but comes out on top because Corinne’s dad just wants Corinne to be happy. Hence the unlimited spending budget.

Last but not least we hop over that border to Canada for Vanessa. We further solidify how she is a magical person as she takes us to her special needs class and introduces her students to Nick.  Ugh Vanessa, stop being so perfect. After this she explains that her parents are divorced so Nick has to meet two families. First up is her mom and 10 million other random French-Canadian people including Vanessa’s brother who is really just a  French Seth Green. It goes well despite the fact Nick freaking cries again because Vanessa’s sister just wants her to be happy.

Next we have Vanessa’s dad, who isn’t exactly thrilled with this love on tv thing. Or the Nick dating lots of other girls thing. Or the Nick not being able to say he’ll pick Vanessa thing. But Nick bites that bullet and sort of asks for his permission to marry Vanessa. And then it gets awkward and weird.

But no worries Vanessa has time to cry and over analyze things because it’s not like she’s on a show where one guy dates multiple women…oh wait.

Time to jet set to New York for the rose ceremony………..NOPE

JUST ONCE I WANT A DAMN ROSE CEREMONY.

We are interrupted by a mysterious knock on the door and GASP- It’s Andi! She’s here to talk to Nick about mysterious things/try to save his ratings but we won’t know what she is going to say until next week. #ugh #socloseyetsofar #$3000worthofcheesepasta

 

The Bachelor S21 E8: Let’s go home!

The Bachelor S21 E7: #platinumvagine (what else could I possibly call this post)

So first things first, they’ve announced that Rachel is the next Bachelorette. YAY! But like super random timing, I think the producers know Nick is a dud, somehow the first 3 failed attempts at love on tv didn’t clue them in to anything.

Back to the show. We ended last week with Nick crying. It’s the next morning and there’s only one thing to do…talk to Chris Harrison on the beach. It will be okay Chris says, even though Nick has been dumped multiple times on tv, he can make it through this experience #staystrong

He goes to talk to the remaining women and omg you guys it’s okay, Nick isn’t going to give up. Ignoring the fact he’s contractually obligated to do so, but whatever, let’s find true love!

And they go to Bimini….WHERE EVEN IS THAT?! Oh wait here’s a map, it’s near Florida.

The first one-on-one is with Vanessa. Corinne is a ‘little’ annoyed because she has never had a one-on-one. Which is an actual complaint. But then it’s Corinne, so nothing is really legitimate. Vanessa’s date is on a boat…which she’s never been on before. Okay…she then calls Nick out for crying, and he’s on a lower level than her because he keeps crying. But it’s okay because they talk it out and then go snorkeling and then Vanessa says it… SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE.

The group date is Corinne, Kristina, and Raven. Which leaves Danielle L (oh wait, we can kill the L because RIP other Danielle) and Rachel. Which I assume aren’t getting another two-on-one.

Vanessa goes ahead and declares her “falling in love” with Nick. And Nick responds by shoving his face in hers. So like obvi the feeling is mutual. Nick, because he follows his damn contract, unlike Ben, isn’t able to say he loves her back. Which pisses Vanessa off. Because I guess she doesn’t understand how this works.

The group date is on a boat. Corinne goes boating alllllllll the time. And has been on a boat like soooooooo much bigger than this one. We get one of the most awkward close ups ever as Nick applies suntan lotion to the easily sunburnt part of a woman’s body…Kristina’s inner thigh. They then swim with sharks which no one is happy about it. Kinda wished the sharks took a giant bite out of all of them, but we can’t get what we want.

Nick tears up while talking to Kristina and Kristina is a stone cold bitch and is like Nick you have to eliminate someone, pull your shit together. Or that’s what she said with her eyes while just staring at him while he cried. Raven then tells Nick he should be scared of everyone’s dads. And Nick should be terrified.

Danielle gets a one-on-one that promises that they will ride into the sunset together and hopefully never come back so this boring ass episode can end.

Corinne’s convo with Nick was pretty tame. Probably because her #platinumvagine is going to make an appearance later on. But that group date rose goes to Raven, which is an actual big deal because it’s the only rose given out on a date this week.

Danielle and Nick get to ride bikes around Bimini and have super awkward conversations, so this is going really well. Whenever there isn’t any background music you know you’re in trouble.

Last one-on-one goes to Rachel. Remember her, the one that is about to be the Bachelorette.

The last time Danielle loved someone they died. Which sucks, because she definitely isn’t sticking around too long. And by not too long I mean right now. And Danielle remains a classy, nice lady until the end. Nice job Danielle.

BUT NOW IT’S TIME. IT IS TIME FOR THE #PLATINUMVAGINE

Corinne “sneaks out” to see Nick. They go into his room and we get to hear some fun noises. And then Nick says that he doesn’t want to have sex with her #platinumvagine just yet. It would make the other girls jealous. And platinum might carry diseases, you never know.

Time for Rachel’s one-on-one. They go to a bar with a bartender who is trying to move in on #jorgethebartender’s terf. Slow down #biminibartender. Rachel’s date is like 2 seconds long and is over already.

But it’s okay, Chris Harrison is here to talk about how serious hometowns are.  But it’s not okay because we cancel another goddamn rose ceremony. But it’s kind of okay because it’s not very fun to be dumped in front of 4 other people (and all of America).

So it’s Kristina going home. I’m dead serious when I say that I think Nick thinks her hometown would be Russia, and he doesn’t want to go to Russia. So he’s sending her home. She takes it very well because she is a strong woman. Unlike Nick, who sucks so much that they have to let us know that Rachel is the next bachelorette before she is even eliminated.

NEXT WEEK:

Nick might send someone else home because he can’t be stopped. He cries some more. And someone mysterious shows up! WHO COULD IT BE?!?!

Anyway, yay for Rachel the bachelorette! Hopefully she’ll get this show back on track and no matter what she’ll cry less than Nick.

The Bachelor S21 E7: #platinumvagine (what else could I possibly call this post)

The Bachelor S21 E6: Sending errbody home

Remember that one time the previous episode didn’t end on a cliffhanger…oh wait.

So Taylor was supposed to stay in the damn bayou forever but decided to walk the streets of New Orleans instead to tell Nick one last thing. She doesn’t really like say anything. So then she leaves. LAMEEEEEEEE

What Corinne learned from this experience is that cats have 9 lives and bitches have 2.

Rose ceremony time! And Nick is forgoing the cocktail party.

The roses go to Kristina (the Russian dental hygienist), Raven (the southern girl who roller skates throughout Wisconsin), Vanessa (Canadian), Danielle L (the business owner with great dresses), Jasmine (the dancer), Danielle M (baby saving lady) and the final rose goes toooooo WHITNEY

So bye to Josephine who was there way too long, Jaimi who kissed a girl, and Alexis the not yet a dolphin trainer

Time for a trip to Saint Thomas! Kristina gets the first one-on-one. We learn that Kristina is adopted and from Russia.

Corinne is feeling homesick, don’t worry, the producers bring in Lorna, the nanny of St. Thomas!

They didn’t really have any food and she was in the orphanage. She had an actually really tough past. She was almost a Russian prostitute…now she’s just the American version (oooh burnnnn). She gets the rose because it’s not like Nick has any other choice at this point.

Group date is: Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M, Jasmine

………. which leaves Danielle L and Whitney. Okay…Whitney has had zero screen time and has no beef with Danielle, so this makes so much sense.

Group date time. Volleyball on the beach. Corinne is drunk and wants a nap. We learn that if Jasmine was a vegetable she’d be a turnip, because she’s all the way turned up. Thanks Raven. And all the ladies are done with the #sports And they all start crying?…okay. Nick needs to get the date back on track during the nighttime portion. He realizes that everyone is still stressed because they didn’t magically all become unstressed in the last 2 hours.

Jasmine can’t handle the pressure and just wants to punch Nick in the face…because that’s a normal reaction. She’s getting more frustrated as the night goes on. So she decides to tell Nick about it. Because talking about your problems is good…in real life…which isn’t this show. She’s just been so real and Nick just doesn’t even know. She then sort of cries and then tells Nick how much she wants to have sex with him and then discusses the ‘chokey,’ which is not Matilda related and was terrifying. So he sends her home. Yet I’m still scarred for life. Raven got the rose but like we didn’t even get to see that because everyone just wanted the damn date to end.

To continue the awkward, cringe worthy date we have our second two-on-one of the season. Whitney is one of the two people on this date. Whitney has gotten less than 5 minutes of screen time…this entire season.  Danielle L is the other girl on this date, she has a nickname…It’s D-Lo. Good to know. Nick then stops talking to Danielle to go break up with Whitney. And then we have the classic leave the dumped girl on an island alone while the helicopter flies away.

Danielle and Nick proceed to the second part of the date. And there is no background music…never a good sign. Nick wants to know what kind of relationship D Lo is looking for. She says Love. Great response. Nick wants something raw and adventurous. Just not Jasmine level raw. This is awkward. And not going to end well. D Lo tells Nick she is falling in love with Nick, honey, you missed some clues, this isn’t going well. Nick tells it like it is, his heart isn’t feeling D Lo. Bye bye.

Nick sent a lotta ladies home this week on dates- Jasmine and her choking, Whitney and her blah-ness, and D Lo and her horrible nickname.

Nick goes and talks to the other girls…and cries. There are only 6 ladies left: Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M, Raven, Kristina, and Rachel.

NEXT WEEK:

More cryingggggggggg. Corinne decides to use her ‘top notch sex abilities’ to turn around this situation. #platinumvagine

The Bachelor S21 E6: Sending errbody home