The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S ALL OVER NOW.

Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.

To remind you- we have the top three.

Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.

Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.

And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.

Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.

More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.

And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.

But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.

They wake up happy. Ugh.

Now time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs

Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.

Back to the actual show.

Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?

Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up.  They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!

Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.

Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.

FREAKING BRYAN. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦

Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.

Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.

So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.

And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.

And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring

Does anyone even enjoy Men Tell All?

It’s tied with After the Final Rose for the most boring/annoying episode of the season of The Bachelorette.

But here we are. Let’s listen to that one guy that got eliminated in the second week that won’t shut up, rehash old drama, and ask Dean how he feels now that his heart has been crushed into millions of tiny pieces on live tv.

We start with a recap of the “most memorable moments” from Men Tell All. They really aren’t important except for Chad.

Here are the randos no one remembers that are milking their five minutes of fame:

Jamey, Diggy (he has bow ties), Blake (hates Whaboom), Iggy, Anthony, Lucas WHABOOM, Fred (from camp), DeMario (Bachelor in Paradise scandal), Alex (he’s hot), Jonathan (tickle monster), Lee (racist asshole), Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam (father of AJ), and Deannnnnn.

First drama to rehash. WHABOOM vs. Blake. And we quickly move on to DeMario. Who denies that his “girlfriend” was anything besides a side chick. Whaboom backs up DeMario and says he believes him. This is a mess.

So Iggy and Josiah don’t like each other because Iggy ratted out Josiah to Rachel. This might be the most dramatic season ever because it seems like we didn’t spend any time with Rachel or thinking about her. Just stirring the pot and causing drama.

Now it’s time for the real drama. Kenny vs the biggest racist asshole ever Lee. Everyone agrees that Kenny is like a really nice dude. And Lee super sucks. Oh wait, nope, DeMario disagrees, he thinks Lee is great. Of course DeMario, of course.

We finally get someone in the hot seat- and it’s Kenny. I always liked Kenny. Kenny wants to set a good example for his daughter and not punch racist assholes named Lee on tv. And that’s why he didn’t punch Lee. Lee sort of apologizes but he still sucks.

Oh and here is a child! Kenzie is proud of her dad for trying to find love on tv. Oh and they get to go to Disneyland. That’s real nice.

Well now it’s Lee’s turn. I will not give him my time.

Now we can finally move on to Dean. His relationship with Rachel included sandcastles, bimps, and his family. Oh Dean and his family. Dean is proud of himself and his family to go through that.

Now it’s time for Rachel!! We get right to important part. It was really hard for Rachel to say goodbye to Dean. And there’s the closure. This is the weirdest paced episode ever.

Rachel lets Lee know when she watched the show she saw how much he sucked. He apologizes to Rachel.

Now it’s time for all of the guys to try and get closure with one question each. Adam wants to know why- the answer is because she felt something and didn’t want to take him all the way.

Fred goes next and it’s superrrrrrrr awkward. Fred wants to say Rachel didn’t give him a chance because he already knew her before. Kenny just wanted to remind Rachel she has his number.

The bloopers are pretty sub par except for Josiah shoving food in his face and Dean putting gum behind his ear and then eating it.

That’s it for Men Tell All- thank goodness.

Time to look at next week’s SEASON FINALE. WHO WILL RACHEL CHOOSE?!

Swarmy Bryan?

Won me over Eric?

Or OMG ❤ ❤ not ready for a proposal Peter?!

 

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

Tonight, on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette……

It’s hometowns!

The first hometown is Eric and Baltimore. He’s never brought a girl home before, which would be a red flag, except that Eric said it’s because people get shot near him all the time. So valid excuse. They play basketball on Eric’s old court and meet Ralph…Eric’s A1…? Like the steak sauce? Whoever the heck Ralph is, he’s really nice and proud of Eric.

Eric’s family is really nice. The really remarkable thing is that they fit like 15 people on one couch.

 

The other thing they do is bring up Rachel being the first black Bachelorette. Eric’s Aunt Verna is pretty great. Eric is swaying me towards his side. His hometown went really well, he ends it by saying he is “really in love with this girl.” So almost saying Love but not quite. But don’t worry, because we all know there’s going to be some real drama coming up (*cough* Dean’s dad *cough* Bryan’s mom).

Up next is Miamiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Hometown of face-eating Bryan. Except I thought he was from South America? They start by playing dominoes with adorable old men. Then they get some arepas. Then Bryan has to prep Rachel for his family- meaning his mom.

Bryan’s mom is a little dubious of the process- seeing as it has been 7 weeks and all. Rachel just really wants to be liked. Bryan’s mom is a little intense and threatens to kill Rachel if Bryan isn’t happy. I don’t think this woman is joking. She also calls her son the love of her life. You know, her son, the person genetically related to her. Yupppp. But it’s okay, Bryan’s mom is a Rachel fan, because like in the end, aren’t we all hardcore Rachel fans?

Bryan knows how this show works and professes his love to Rachel. Rachel is obviously a fan of Bryan.

Time to get some cheese, and by cheese I mean Peter’s breathtaking smile in Wisconsin <3. Also it might be a sign- it was rainy and crappy in Miami and is sunny and beautiful in Wisconsin. Yupppp, it’s a sign. We’ll ignore the fact that Rachel ate arepas in Miami and had to eat pickles in Wisconsin.

Rachel first gets to meet Peter’s friends. They’re like nice, normal, Wisconsin people. They tell Peter to stop being ridiculous and commit already. Direct quote: “Don’t f*ck it up.”

Peter’s family has one intense couch. I’m pretty impressed. Rachel is more preoccupied with whether Peter is ready to propose after the cumulative 2 hours they’ve spent together this season. Rachel flat out asks Peter’s mom, she thinks Peter is ready for “commitment” which is not a proposal. Rachel is not here for a boyfriend. She is here for a husband. I’M HERE FOR THEM TO FIND LOVE TOGETHER FOREVER ALREADY.

Dean is up last in Aspen, CO. He hasn’t spoken to his father in 2 years. Nothing like The Bachelorette forcing interactions among families on national tv. First they go ATV riding so Dean can let Rachel know that if they need to literally ride away from this upcoming meeting that they can. Dean’s dad is Paramuru (Sp?) and his stepmom is Santartar (Sp?). Oh god.

Well everyone is on the floor. Which stops the nice couch streak we were on. Everyone then lays on the floor while Dean’s dad plays the gong. They get to eat some sprouted mung bean curry. I feel incredibly bad for Dean. Confronting your father on tv is never easy. I will say Rachel is incredibly understanding and probably the best person to ever bring home to your weird family.

One good thing is that Dean and Rachel’s relationship is stronger now. One bad thing is that definitely just screwed over my bracket.

Time to get back to business. Chris Harrison is here to help Rachel recap this episode so we know which men she’s going to choose. BUT I DON’T KNOW. I guess we’ll just have to wait 8 minutes to find out.

First rose goes to Bryan. Then Eric. THEN OMG OMG OMG Peter.

DEAN IS GOING HOME. I mean I knew it in my bracket but didn’t think it would happen after watching the episode wowwww.

I’m thinking she knew it wasn’t Dean in the end so she wanted to break his heart sooner rather than later. But dayummm. Poor Dean 😦

Next week:

FANTASY SUITEEEEEESSSS and Rachel’s family in Spain. Let’s do this!

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??

This week, on The Bachelorette….

There are six dudes left.

Bryan- the 37 year old chiropractor that eats Rachel’s face

Peter- <33333333

Eric- he’s the last black guy

Adam- he has a creepy ass doll #AJforever

Matt- he’s a crappier version of Alex #RIPAlex

and Dean, baby face, actual baby Dean.

So there’s no rose ceremony this week- just 3 one-on-ones and one three-on-one.  Rachel is just mixing things up!

Bryan gets the first one-on-one. He is a front runner with Peter. But since he’s not Peter I don’t like him that much. They drive a fancy car and go to a fancy watch store because #swiss. She pulls a Corinne and buys Bryan’s love with a watch. They have a very nice time and Bryan continues to fail at kissing.

Dean gets the next one-on-one. Adam is mad he hasn’t had one, because like he has never talked to Rachel and isn’t sure he wants to bring her home since they like don’t talk. That is a rational thought Adam. Good for you.

We finally get to learn some info about Bryan- he had an earring. He likes school girl uniforms. Bryan had a girlfriend on a beach. It didn’t work out. But don’t worry, he’s getting a rose and Rachel’s getting to meet his family.

Dean and Rachel are going to church! A Catholic church! In French! Yupppp. After church they get to wander around. Dean is concerned because he has an awkward family dynamic. Remember that one time we didn’t get to meet famous #sportsball player Aaron Rodgers? How could Dean’s family be worse than that. Rachel wants Dean to open up and Dean goes with asking about the tooth fairy and dinosaurs. I love me some dinosaurs, but not the time or place honey.

The last one-on-one goes to Peter. YAY.

Eric is not an idiot and realizes the three one-on-ones are the top three and that the three losers on the silly three-on-one are tied for last.

Dean manages to get past his pension for dinosaurs and owns up to Rachel that his family isn’t ideal. After his mom died, his dad got a little eccentric, and he’s honest and adorable. Which makes everything much less awkward so he gets the rose. Still not going to win, but good try Dean.

It’s time for Peter’s date. GET READY FOR THE LOVEEEE. They go in a helicopter and then a dog sled. Sorry I can’t hear you over how perfect they are together. Peter is having some doubts because he’s a rational person and doesn’t actually enjoy dating someone who is dating 15 other people. Peter remains adorable and insists that everyone will love Rachel.

Okay Peter, let’s stop for a moment. Your sob story isn’t really a sob story. This one time you drove away from someone you broke up with amicably.  Get over it.

But let’s get back on the Peter train because he’s getting a rose (obviously). <3333

Time for the three-on-one. Literally no one knows who these guys even are. They at least get to go to France. Which coincidentally is AJ’s hometown. Everyone is obviously gunning for the rose. Everyone should obviously go home. They all say hokey things- blah blah blah.

Rachel begins to cry and tells Matt he reminds her of herself…? She needed an excuse to send him home and just sends him packing mid way through the date. He at least takes his champagne on his long car ride home. Now that’s an exit.

Time for this horrible date to continue.

Adam literally doesn’t understand how this show works because he thinks he has a deep connection with Rachel. That would require them to speak to each other. He gets like really intense in discussing his family and his love for Rachel and it’s wayyyyyy too much.

Eric talks about how he grew up in Baltimore and it was tough. And how he used being positive to grow. It’s an actual backstory with actual reasons why he hasn’t ever brought anyone home.

It is time to give out the rose. I really think Rachel should just skip the rose. She gives it out to Eric. Not a shocker.

Bye Adam, bye AJ, the best creepy ass doll that ever existed. Adam doesn’t want Rachel to have any regrets. Don’t worry Adam, she never knew who you were, she has no regrets.

Coming up:

Rachel is in a vineyard/desert place…? She makes out with a lot of people. There is some family drama and by some I mean a lot. And Dean was being nice when he said his dad is eccentric. OH BOY. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??

The Bachelorette S13 E3: This is bananas and literal horse sh*t

Hey remember that ridiculously stupid cliffhanger last week with DeMario coming back and all the men deciding to beat him up on the driveway?!

Let’s pick it up from there!

DeMario is here and not taking no for an answer and likes cliches like how you can’t have happiness without like pain or sadness or whatever. Rachel is not here for it because she needs someone who can handle being confronted and sends his ass home. #YOUGOGIRL

All the dudes are totes down with Rachel not being a pushover, which they should be because she’s the best.

For some reason, Jonathan, self proclaimed  Tickle Monster, brings giant hands to the rose ceremony. Because, why not…? The three drama free minutes were filled with giant hands, mini basketballs, and a rubix cube…now back to #whaboom

Whaboom says that Blake stands over him while he sleeps and eats a banana. Except this can’t possibly be true because Blake doesn’t eat carbs. BANANAS ARE CARBS?!? WHAT SINCE WHEN? WHAT IS THIS?! Also send his ass home, he doesn’t eat carbs!!

Rose timeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Ryan the 37 year old chiropractor gets the first rose, then Bryce (no idea who he is), Eric (nope don’t know yet either), Anthony (he has a nice shiny head), Will (he played mini basketball 5 seconds ago), Jonathan (Tickle monster), Jack Stone (I only know because his last name is ridiculous), Matt (he was on screen once), Alex (rubix cube dude), Adam (owner of Adam Jr, the creepy as doll), Kenny (The best), Brady (yupppp still not happening), Lee (the racist tweet one!), Iggy (he’s the only Asian), Fred (#campbuddy)

And the final rose goes tooooooooooo: Diggy (omg I didn’t realize he and his glasses hadn’t gotten a rose yet and I’m so relieved!!)

This means both WHABOOM and his arch banana nemesis are going home! They are both bitter and it is the weirdest most scripted thing ever. I’m glad they are both gone.

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred get the first group date. And they get to go to Ellen!! Ellen says the tickle monster is creepy, Ellen knows best. Ellen makes them take off their shirts and dance in the audience. AND DAYUMMMMMMM there are some abs. Not so much with the dance ability. They then play Never Have I Ever and we learn a lot about Alex and his honesty. Poor Fred keeps getting pigeonholed in his camp past and is ready to move on from being 5.

In the night part of the date the guys are being real smooothhh. Now it’s Fred’s turn and he goes with asking Rachel if he can kiss her…which isn’t very smooth. Oh Fred. But he goes in and kisses her. He’s happy about it, but Rachel is not. She is looking for a man GODDAMNIT. And she’s getting little boy vibes from Fred…she’s not feeling the same way so she’s sending him home. Just not a love match for Fred 😦

Alex and his honesty (and abs) get the rose!

Anthony and his shiny head have the one-on-one this week. They are riding horses on Rodeo Drive. Ha. Ha. They then ride their horses into a store to get some boots. And horse cupcakes. And jackets. And the horse poops in the store. Not at all a sign.

The next group date is: Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric- I swear I haven’t seen half of these men before and don’t know who they are. Do they like hide under the floorboards and pop out for the dates and rose ceremonies?

Back to Anthony- he gets the rose, I don’t know why, he was kind of bland, like that sad horse cupcake.

There’s some weird, confusing drama between Eric and Iggy that is just nonsensical and involves Eric yelling things.

It’s time for the group date and Rachel brings her own group- we have Alexis, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis- I guess they weren’t allowed to go home between the premiere and this date and have just been waiting around. They all get in a party bus and the drama starts. Bryce and Lee both tell Raven that they don’t think Eric is here for the #rightreasons. They go mud wrestling. And it’s just a little bit unfair since oh wait, Kenny is a literal professional wrestler. He like back flips the other dudes multiple times in these fancy wrestling moves that I don’t understand because #sports

Bryce wins because otherwise this would be rigged? Still don’t understand #sports

The guys get to literally hose down while the ladies chat. The ladies express their approval of Dean, who is still adorable. And then they disapprove of Eric.

Kenny, who is still in my top three used to be a Chippendale and showcases his dancing skills and well, he rips off his wife-beater. And yup.

Eric wants to know how Rachel feels and she tells him she wants to get to know him. And also people have been talking about him and doubting his motives. She also calls out that Lee and Bryce said that. And we all know that won’t end well.

Eric goes to confront them and Lee asks if Eric has ever felt love. These men are not the best arguers or conversationalists. They don’t make sense a lot. It warps into Eric asking if they are afraid of him. And Lee pointing and clicking his tongue.

The group date rose goes to Eric. Poo poo. Bring back the horse sh*t.

Rose ceremony time, but I have this sinking suspicion that there might be a damn cliffhanger. In other news Rachel literally can do no wrong in her ballgowns because OMG I love each one more than the next.

Iggy decides to take his one-on-one time with Rachel to talk about Eric. Iggy, have you ever watched this show? Don’t spend your time talking about someone else. And Iggy then goes to tell Eric that he spent his time with Rachel talking about him.

Lee also spends his time talking about Eric. But we know that Lee is a racist asshole. So whatever Lee, waste your time. So then we gotta go back and talk to Eric about how everyone is talking about him saying he’s not genuine. And Rachel isn’t here for games and isn’t afraid to take the rose back.

Eric then decides to gather everyone around to call them all out together. He then curses them all out while telling them to focus on Rachel while yelling at them for talking about him.

AND GUESS WHAT

IT IS TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDDDDD #ugh

Next week:

Lee remains an asshole.

The Bachelorette S13 E3: This is bananas and literal horse sh*t

The Bachelorette S13 E2: Adorbs dudes and more adorbs puppies

Sorry for the delay, but I say it every year, three day weekends are for going out and doing things, not for tv!

So Rachel is the most adorable person ever with the most ADORABLE FLUFFY DOG EVER!

A minute 1:56 into the episode Chris Harrison pulls out the words of the show ‘right reasons’ I feel like it might be a sign (and all the marketing that there’s a secret girlfriend) that someone might not be here to find true love on tv.

Time for the first group date of the season! We get: Dean, Jack, Jonathan (Tickle Monster), Blake, Iggy, Kenny #TEAMKENNY, Fred (camp kid), and Lucas AKA Whaboom

The very first date of the season starts off with a BBQ and then quickly devolves from there because it’s not the Bachelorette without a weird activity BUT OMG MILA KUNIS AND ASHTON KUTCHER ARE THERE. OMG. They have to do a husband themed obstacle course and OMG I can’t get over how incredibly adorable and in love Mila and Ashton are #lifegoals.

In the least surprising news ever, Whaboom takes the game to like fifteen levels too much and spikes the baby into the ground while yelling and almost tackling Kenny to the ground. I’m scared. But don’t worry, Ashton is definitely not on team Whaboom, so there is still good in this world.

Rachel isn’t really thrilled with how incredibly boring the second half of the date is. But don’t worry, Blake is here to stir the pot and discuss how much he hates Whaboom! Because he lives with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend…?

Peter, Rachel’s male gap-toothed counterpart gets the first one-on-one!

Rachel is not bored any longer when she talks to Dean. He’s cute, they were cute. I like him. While this is going on, Whaboom and Blake continue to insult each other.

Next is Kenny’s turn and he is my favorite and the best and adorable. And he doesn’t go in for a kiss because he’s too nervous and awwwwwwwwww. Dean gets the group date rose and I’ll take it because he’s cute too.

Peter’s one-on-one date is next, they go to Palm Springs…but not alone…BECAUSE COPPER THE FLUFFIEST PUPPY IS COMING. And wait, there’s more! They go to Barkfest which is full of adorable dogs and a doggy photobooth and doggy smoothies!

The next group date is for Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. I have no idea who most of those people are.

Peter and Rachel discuss the elephant in the room- their matching gap teeth. They also discuss how they both went to therapists, yay mental health positivity! He gets the rose because they are both adorable and Peter is now on my list of boys I like. Rachel also refers to herself as a #smittenkitten and even though it’s not a dog themed reference, I’ll take it. AND we get the first fireworks show of the season!

The group date is basketball themed, and because this is 2017 there is one manbun in attendance (it’s more of a manponytail, but close enough). And Kareem Abdul Jabbar comes to help them play, even I know who that is.  They play the #sport and some of the guys suck (the white ones) and DeMario is real good and keeps dunking. And this is once again the Bachelorette, so the date doesn’t stop there, everyone will have to showcase their lack of #sportsskills at a game in front of a packed audience of people forced to watch them. Oh wait, Chris Harrison is the emcee, these people want to be here to watch that happen.

DeMario does real good at the sports with all the dunking and stuff but then it doesn’t go so well. His girlfriend shows up to dunk the truth (I don’t know how to make a proper sports reference). And damn is she mad. And crazy. And this is confusing. DeMario says they were on and off again for a while. While crazy lady swears on her father’s grave/alive kitten that she isn’t lying. She has texts! Of proof! Sort of. Rachel makes DeMario leave and like crazy lady seemed kind of actually ridiculous and I’m sure the truth is a mixture of both of their stories.

Rachel is so annoyed she doesn’t even want to talk to Chris Harrison about it! And that’s serious.

But she doesn’t cancel the second part of the date so the guys then all console her and reassure that they are indeed there for the ‘right reasons.’ This includes the one dude whose name I have no idea what it is singing in Russian… Josiah gets the group date rose because he was real good and understanding of Rachel’s problems.

Back to the house and HOLY CRAP those guys are messy. Also HOLY CRAP Rachel’s dress is amazing. The production crew needs to work on the mics, you can hear every ice cube clinking around in Rachel’s glass.

Bryan the chiropractor that got the first impression rose gives Rachel a massage. She then gets shown a Barbie dream house AND has a thumb war before DeMario shows up to crash what is possibly one of the most boring nights of Rachel’s life. Of course, DeMario has to speak to Chris Harrison first before being allowed back in. Rachel decides to go hear DeMario out – the guys find out, and decide to all follow her out to the driveway so they can group beat him up….? MEN TESTOSTERONE PUNCHING

Too bad we won’t know what happens until next week!

The Bachelorette S13 E2: Adorbs dudes and more adorbs puppies

The Bachelorette S13 E1: Not Whaboom, anything but Whaboom

IT’S BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Rachel is our lovely Bachelorette and as the adorable recap shows, she’s super adorable and nice and funny. So yeah, thank goodness she didn’t end up with Nick. She’s ready for love this time and brought her freaking adorable dog to quadruple the adorable factor. Let’s hope this ends well for her.

Now it’s time for the men!

We have Kenny, pro wrestler dad.

Jack Stone, who has a last name for some reason.

Alex from Michigan who is Russian and somehow ten feet tall when his parents are 5′

Mohit has a start up and belly dances

Then there’s Lucas, whose catch phrase is Whaboom, he makes me want to punch him

Blake is a trainer, he has a lot of libido #goodtoknow

Time for Rachel to get some advice…from a bunch of women that Nick dumped, including Corinne. So that makes no sense.

Now it’s what we’ve been waiting for…the limo entrances! First we have Rachel’s and omg her dress is so pretty and she’s so pretty and I’m such a big fan.

Peter is up first, he’s a business owner and goes with the Wisconsin connection (Nick was from there). Not bad

Josiah is next and he uses legal language which is now the language of love

Bryce is a firefighter and awkwardly picks up Rachel, we’ll go ahead and ignore the five guys that entered and didn’t get any screentime

STOP EVERYTHING. SOMEONE BROUGHT A BOX OF CHEESE. DONE DONE AND DONE. I FOUND MY SOULMATE, MOVE OVER RACHEL. Only problem is that we don’t even get to learn his name.

Blake E brings an entire marching band, because he is an ‘Aspiring Drummer’ keep dreaming, keep dreaming. I’m glad the Bachelor has officially made ‘Aspiring’ part of a job title, now anyone can be whatever they want! As long as they aspire hard enough.

Fred is here! Fred went to school with Rachel! He’s named Fred, is anyone even like named Fred anymore?

Next is Jonathan, he’s a Tickle Monster. Yup, as terrifying as that sounds as he makes Rachel close her eyes and then tickle gropes her. NOPE NOPE NOPE

Adam brought a little mannequin doll of himself………..?

Mike brought a brownie. I like brownies. Don’t know if I like Mike.

Whaboom not only refers to himself as Whaboom but he introduced himself by letting us know he has one testicle that’s bigger than the other. Please just send him home.

Josiah (?) steals her first and talks about how he’s a lawyer and was arrested when he was 12 and went into a program to have a good life, nice job Josiah (?) (how the heck am I supposed to know anyone’s name at this point)?!?!

So Adam Jr. is the creepy ass doll. He has champagne, and gets a French voiceover.

Oh wait, Rachel knows Fred because she was his camp counselor, and he was a bad boy in third grade. And not in a sexy way.

Spanish speaking, 37 year old, chiropractor goes in for the first kiss, and it’s a little PG13 rated, but he gets it done. FIRST KISS OF THE SEASON

The problem with the Bachelorette is all the men making all the #sportsball references all the time. Too much sportssssssssss

Whaboom, oh god I hate him. Is currently just yelling WHABOOM and shaking his face around and yelling into his megaphone. I’m annoyed I know his name already. He has his face on his shirt. Also it says WHAAABOOOOM with a lot of extra vowels so I can’t even hashtag it properly, I’m not mad about it.

Aspiring drummer challenges Whaboom if he is there for ‘the right reasons.’ How could he possibly not be there for the right reasons?! His shirt has his face on it and everything!

Kenny is a wrestler with a daugher and he got butterflies and AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Bryan, the 37 year old chiropractor that kissed her gets the first impression rose! YAY!

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony, it’s also light outside, so it’s like 18 million hours later. Now you know why Corrine took naps. Here is who gets the roses, I don’t know who any of them are: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan (uggghh tickle monster), Bryce, Alex, Kenny (adorbs wrestler with a daughter), Dean (he had a sandbox), Matt (he’s a penguin), Anthony, Brady, Josiah (he’s a lawyer too), Lee, Diggy (we have both Diggy AND Iggy, oh goodness), Fred (#campbuddies), Adam (with the creepy ass doll), Blake E (he aspires to drum), andddddddddddd it’s the final rose

And because we all know what show we’re watching, and we wouldn’t watch the show if there wasn’t drama – the final rose goes to WHABOOM #whyboom #whyyy

So that’s the group folks, Rachel’s future husband is in the bunch, hopefully it’s one of the more normal ones.

This season…..ON THE BACHELORETTE!

They go to Sweden and row a viking boat thing and there’s dogs and hot tubs (duh).  We question ‘the right reasons’ (duh). Lee is southern and likes to stir pots I guess. There’s a girlfriend! She has texts!  Crying obviously happens. At some point she walks through a deserted vineyard… but don’t worry, she’s going to be the bomb and find love. So stay tuned with me!

The Bachelorette S13 E1: Not Whaboom, anything but Whaboom