The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

Off to London! Tea! Scones! British people!

So there are only 10 guys left. Let’s see if I can name them all:

Arie, Jef, Sean, Chris, Doug, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro…….and two others! Oh, guy that I thought was Charlie is one of them, and Wolf is the last one. Five of them haven’t had a one-on-one date, and there are two one-on-one dates this week.

Sean gets the first one! They get a double-decker bus tour. And Sean says it! I think it’s the first time of the season, he’s falling for her!! They also take a selfie with a digital camera before selfies even were a thing, can always count on this show to start the next biggest trend.

So we don’t like Kalon, that’s established. Kalon makes a super great comment on how if you win that every date will be a group date because of Ricki. Which of course isn’t a great way to look at it, and is wrong. But whatever.

Sean and Emily have a great and adorable time. They get to tour London and then have dinner in the Tower of London where Sean is a “prisoner of love.”

The group date is: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon. So Jef gets that other one-on-one

Emily and Sean end their date with a rose and a make out on top of the Tower of London because medieval torture turns everyone on.

The group date goes to the birthplace of Shakespeare where they will perform Romeo and Juliet. But first they have to audition. Arie hates acting. Which is good, because we don’t want him acting out his feelings, we want him to be genuine. Arie gets to be the nurse, he does not really get Shakespeare, or what he’s saying. But he tries…points for trying…?  He gets to wear tight as the nurse. Oh Arie.nurse.jpg

At the cocktail portion of the date Chris is speaking with Kaylon and says that Emily has a lot of baggage. Doug confronts him about it, and Kaylon will not “retract” the statement, he called Ricki baggage. So it’s not just hearsay. It’s legit. Wellll wow Kaylon you suck. Doug tells Emily about it because #singleparentssticktogether.

Emily wants to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Which is like an almost direct Chad quote. Huh, never noticed how similar Chad and Emily are.giphy (1)

Emily and Doug go back to confront Kaylon and Emily does not want to hear it. And she tells Kaylon to get the f*** out.  Emily is not here for this BS. And she is disappointed that none of the men told her about it, which like isn’t really their faults because we don’t like snitches on this show. But Emily is not down for that and no one gets a rose on the date. OH SNAP.

Jef and Emily go to afternoon tea for their date. But it’s not just any tea, it’s some proper English tea and an etiquette lesson. They run away and go to a pub. Jef brings up the Kaylon drama and how if Ricki is baggage then she’s a Chloe handbag (I don’t understand that reference, should be a sign to say no to Jef). They then drink some tea in the London eye and Jef promises to never lie to her, which is a big promise. They could dance all night long in Utah and be the bestest friends ever, blech. He obviously gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Emily is still disappointed in everyone, and lets Arie know that. Arie doesn’t want to spend his time with Emily talking about other people (that’s rational). Emily is still miffed. Honey, you need to get over this.

Sean and Jef already have roses, the next ones go to:

Doug, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis AND OMG THERE IS ONLY 1 LEFT AND ARIE IS IN THE BOTTOM 2

She is definitely punishing him for not telling her about Kaylon, and is obviously most upset about him because she likes Arie the best. Ugh.

Arie gets the last rose, duh. So bye bye to Alejandro who had 2 minutes of total screen time.

They’re going to Croatia next, and this was in 2012 so that was back before it was cool. So let’s get ready for that drama!

Advertisements
The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

OMG there’s a two-on-one this episode. YASSSSSSSs.

Remember how we were staying in Charlotte for Ricki, well we should probably start a worldwide trip in Bermuda right now, because Ricki doesn’t need to go to school or anything. Education is secondary to reality tv fame.

Doug, the only remaining single father gets the first one-on-one.

Sidebar, Alejandro is “one of the only guys to not get a one-on-one,” honey you need some screentime to even be considered, also there’s like literally 10 people who haven’t had one either. Do better.

Doug is like nervous about his date man. So the other dudes decide to push his buttons. It’s just a bunch of dudes having some fun you know, bro.

aj.PNG

As Arie points out, Doug is a little like the Hulk. #Dougangry #Dougsmash #greatscreenshotofthefuturebachelor

Doug and Emily get to go shopping. We learn that Doug is a single dad AND started a charity, what that charity is we do not know.

The group date is: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kaylon

So everyone except for generic blonde dude, long haired dude, Alejandro the only ethnic dude, and brown hair dude are going on the group. So two of those four go on that two-on-one.

Emily is worried that Doug is “too perfect” and when she presses him for his flaws, he says he spends too much time with his son. And maybe didn’t wash his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. He asks Emily and her flaws include being stubborn and wearing pajamas all day -gasp- even in public! He gets the rose. He doesn’t want to kiss Emily because this one time his grandpa said don’t kiss a girl unless she lets you know she wants one. Which is great for consent. Not great because Doug is a little dense and not going to make the first move. We’ll see how this works for him in the long run (spoiler, it doesn’t work well).

The group date gets to go on a classic privileged white man date- sailing! To make it even more testosterone filled it’s going to be a race and the winning team gets more time with Emily.

John “Wolf” and Nate are the two-on-one. I think they’re literally only having a two-on-one so they could use the Bermuda Triangle. I literally have no idea who Nate is. And if John didn’t have such a stupid nickname I’d know nothing about him.

So sailing involves lots of cranking…?

Arie’s team was behind first and then they were ahead and this is so intense…not. Arie’s team wins the alone time with Emily.  So that obviously means there is an entire boat of sore losers. Charlie cries in the car ride home? Why?

So the winning team was Ryan, Kaylon, Arie, and Jef. So half douchebags and half top two. Ryan starts by toasting to Emily the trophy wife. Point made.

Arie uses his alone time to let Emily know that he missed her. And to make out.

Jef uses his alone time to let Emily know that he “likes her.” Like likes her? Because he’s 14 and in high school. Emily wants him to open up, and we get no background music. And it’s awkward because he doesn’t kiss her. Probably because he thinks she has cooties.

Ryan is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. What? I can’t even. He then compliments her butt and likes that she goes to the gym. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” Okay Ryan. Go home. It gets better, Ryan doesn’t like how Emily was kissing Arie at the rose ceremony and decides to tell her that.

Jef gets the group date rose, ugh. And then there are fireworks.

The two-on-one is Nate and John. I can’t definitely say this is the lamest two-on-one of all time. But definitely in the top three. I literally know nothing about Nate. There’s not even any drama.

Facts about Nate:

  • He’s 25
  • He’s blonde
  • He had a breakup
  • He’s on Season 8 of the Bachelorette

This is by far the most congenial two-on-one ever. They toast to each other and no one is screaming or storming off or being left in the Badlands. After cliff diving they get to have dinner in a soggy cave.

OH GOD. OH GOD. Nate just asked if this is quinoa. But he pronounced it as Quinn- no- ah.  Instead of \ ˈkēn-ˌwä , kē-ˈnō-ə \ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Back to more facts about Nate. He has parents, and a brother, and friends. He cries about missing his family. Oh Nate.

John talks about how he doesn’t like to have all the attention and wants to get to know Emily more. John gets the rose because he appears to have an actual personality. Nate gets to go home to his family and quinoa.

So to address my doubts about Ricki’s education we get to see that she is studying. Fine, school is tied with reality tv in importance.

Cocktail party time. Ryan is a smooth talking annoying misogynist. No one likes him. And it’s up to Arie to save the day and interrupt their one-on-one time. Emily can see her and Arie sitting on a front porch just chilling. Awww

Ryan is totally here for Emily, but like it this were to not work out, he could totally see himself as the next Bachelor. UGH ICK NO

Sean gets to talk to Emily and even though they haven’t had a one-on-one they are feeling each other.

Chris is hurt that the other dudes think he’s real young (he’s 25) and not ready. Other dudes being Doug. So Chris is going to confront Doug about it. He’s being a “grown ass man” about it. That really proves he’s mature.

Time for the roses! Doug, Jef, and John already have roses this week. And there are 7 roses, so that will be 10 guys staying.

Sidebar: wayyyyyyyyyy too many necklaces Emily, I know you’re in Bermuda but that doesn’t mean you need every damn seashell hanging around your neck.

And the roses go toooooooooo:

  • Sean (future Bachelor)
  • Arie (duh)
  • Travis (I really thought that was Charlie)
  • Chris (he’s so mature)
  • Ryan (no one likes you)
  • Kaylon (was the bad guy before Ryan started talking about trophy wives)
  • Alejandro (wasn’t expecting that)

So the real Charlie and the dude with the ponytail (Michael) are going home. Boi bye.

Pip pip cheerio they’re off to London next week! There’s some drama brewing in England with Ricki so let’s hope it comes to a boil (#badteahumor).

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

The Bachelorette Recap S8 E3: Arie on a one-on-one

Time for another installment of Arie’s backstory.

There are two one-on-ones this week and one group date.

Chris B gets the first one-on-one. They get to walk around downtown Charlotte. I never realized how chill the dates are on this season because they were in Charlotte for the first half. And by chill, I mean by Bachelor standards, because their date involves climbing up a building. Half way up the building it starts to storm, boy those producers really know how to make some drama. Both Chris and Emily find each other attractive.  ALSO OMG CHRIS IS 25. I FEEL SO OLD.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Tony, the lumber dealer from Oregon, calls his child. He really misses him. The group date list is up: Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John. Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis and the kitchen sink.

Chris gets the date rose and a concert. Sheesh. Lots of concerts and it’s only the third episode. Emily is concerned he’s too young. I’m concerned because he ends up being one of the franchise’s many douchebags.

The group date is in the park with a football. There’s nothing guys like more than #sportsball. But guess what, this date is a trick! Emily’s friends are waiting to attack and ask some serious questions to know if the men are there for the #rightreasons. This includes figuring out why guy with the egg still has the egg. Emily’s friends force the men to dance and do pushups. You go girls. They also are big fans of Sean and make him take off his shirt. I now remember why Sean was the next bachelor. Next they bring in some kids to see what guys are real about saying they like kids. Jef did well, because he’s a child.

Arie gets the one-on-one date (yay).

On the group date Tony is struggling because he misses his child. But #dadDoug reminds him why he’s here/five year olds don’t really remember what’s happening. Tony decides to cope by crying alone on the stairs. Emily decides to send him home so he can be with his child rather than having him stick around. Bye bye Tony. Sean gets the group date rose, I’m sure his large biceps helped his case.

Okay everyone, time to focus! It’s Arie time! And they go to Dollywood!dw.PNG

That’s right! A Dolly Parton themed theme park! And I’ve been there! And it wouldn’t be Dollywood without Dolly Parton herself! In the most ridiculous boots ever.boots.PNG

This is possibly the only appropriate private concert to ever happen on this show.

Time for dinner. Emily wants to know that they are truly compatible. Arie dated a girl with two kids (good news for any single moms in the upcoming season). He also asks Emily some actual questions. They have an actual conversation! They talk about how Arie has a busy schedule with racing and how Emily would be good with that. Emily pretends she isn’t going to give Arie the rose and you can see his world fall apart. He obviously gets the rose.

Side note pet peeve: Emily keeps moving her hair out of her eyes, but not actually, she moves it about two centimeters and it automatically falls back.

Ooh fun fact! The men that got date roses this week are 3 out of the top 4.

Time to give bad boy Kalon some screentime. He has some smooth lines like: “I love it when you talk but I wish you would let me finish.”

Egg dude decides the egg gimmick is weird (Emily’s friends told him to get rid of it) so he smashes the egg. That’s fun. Shelly was an actual egg, I hope it didn’t smell horrible when smashed. Emily sits down with Alessandro and learns that when he talks he isn’t that great. He thinks Ricky and Emily as a compromise. And it’s not a language barrier thing. Soooo he’s going home. Right away.

Emily was rightfully mad, and Arie rightfully comforts her. And makes out. Oh Arie #swoon. She also gets comforted by Sean. And his mouth. So all the making out.

There are ten roses tonight, they go to:

  • Jef (ugh)
  • Charlie (fell off a balcony)
  • Doug (only single dad left)
  • Michael (has really long hair and no screentime)
  • Travis (I think is ex-egg guy)
  • Alejandro (not Alessandro)
  • Ryan (went on a one-on-one last time)
  • John (“Wolf”) (why?)
  • Kalon (asshole)
  • Nate (I have no idea)

So Stevie and his ridiculous name go home. Next week they go to Bermuda, so staying in Charlotte for Ricki lasted super long. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

The Bachelorette Recap S8 E3: Arie on a one-on-one

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S ALL OVER NOW.

Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.

To remind you- we have the top three.

Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.

Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.

And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.

Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.

More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.

And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.

But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.

They wake up happy. Ugh.

Now time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs

Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.

Back to the actual show.

Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?

Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up.  They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!

Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.

Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.

FREAKING BRYAN. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦

Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.

Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.

So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.

And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.

And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring

Does anyone even enjoy Men Tell All?

It’s tied with After the Final Rose for the most boring/annoying episode of the season of The Bachelorette.

But here we are. Let’s listen to that one guy that got eliminated in the second week that won’t shut up, rehash old drama, and ask Dean how he feels now that his heart has been crushed into millions of tiny pieces on live tv.

We start with a recap of the “most memorable moments” from Men Tell All. They really aren’t important except for Chad.

Here are the randos no one remembers that are milking their five minutes of fame:

Jamey, Diggy (he has bow ties), Blake (hates Whaboom), Iggy, Anthony, Lucas WHABOOM, Fred (from camp), DeMario (Bachelor in Paradise scandal), Alex (he’s hot), Jonathan (tickle monster), Lee (racist asshole), Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam (father of AJ), and Deannnnnn.

First drama to rehash. WHABOOM vs. Blake. And we quickly move on to DeMario. Who denies that his “girlfriend” was anything besides a side chick. Whaboom backs up DeMario and says he believes him. This is a mess.

So Iggy and Josiah don’t like each other because Iggy ratted out Josiah to Rachel. This might be the most dramatic season ever because it seems like we didn’t spend any time with Rachel or thinking about her. Just stirring the pot and causing drama.

Now it’s time for the real drama. Kenny vs the biggest racist asshole ever Lee. Everyone agrees that Kenny is like a really nice dude. And Lee super sucks. Oh wait, nope, DeMario disagrees, he thinks Lee is great. Of course DeMario, of course.

We finally get someone in the hot seat- and it’s Kenny. I always liked Kenny. Kenny wants to set a good example for his daughter and not punch racist assholes named Lee on tv. And that’s why he didn’t punch Lee. Lee sort of apologizes but he still sucks.

Oh and here is a child! Kenzie is proud of her dad for trying to find love on tv. Oh and they get to go to Disneyland. That’s real nice.

Well now it’s Lee’s turn. I will not give him my time.

Now we can finally move on to Dean. His relationship with Rachel included sandcastles, bimps, and his family. Oh Dean and his family. Dean is proud of himself and his family to go through that.

Now it’s time for Rachel!! We get right to important part. It was really hard for Rachel to say goodbye to Dean. And there’s the closure. This is the weirdest paced episode ever.

Rachel lets Lee know when she watched the show she saw how much he sucked. He apologizes to Rachel.

Now it’s time for all of the guys to try and get closure with one question each. Adam wants to know why- the answer is because she felt something and didn’t want to take him all the way.

Fred goes next and it’s superrrrrrrr awkward. Fred wants to say Rachel didn’t give him a chance because he already knew her before. Kenny just wanted to remind Rachel she has his number.

The bloopers are pretty sub par except for Josiah shoving food in his face and Dean putting gum behind his ear and then eating it.

That’s it for Men Tell All- thank goodness.

Time to look at next week’s SEASON FINALE. WHO WILL RACHEL CHOOSE?!

Swarmy Bryan?

Won me over Eric?

Or OMG ❤ ❤ not ready for a proposal Peter?!

 

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

Tonight, on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette……

It’s hometowns!

The first hometown is Eric and Baltimore. He’s never brought a girl home before, which would be a red flag, except that Eric said it’s because people get shot near him all the time. So valid excuse. They play basketball on Eric’s old court and meet Ralph…Eric’s A1…? Like the steak sauce? Whoever the heck Ralph is, he’s really nice and proud of Eric.

Eric’s family is really nice. The really remarkable thing is that they fit like 15 people on one couch.

 

The other thing they do is bring up Rachel being the first black Bachelorette. Eric’s Aunt Verna is pretty great. Eric is swaying me towards his side. His hometown went really well, he ends it by saying he is “really in love with this girl.” So almost saying Love but not quite. But don’t worry, because we all know there’s going to be some real drama coming up (*cough* Dean’s dad *cough* Bryan’s mom).

Up next is Miamiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Hometown of face-eating Bryan. Except I thought he was from South America? They start by playing dominoes with adorable old men. Then they get some arepas. Then Bryan has to prep Rachel for his family- meaning his mom.

Bryan’s mom is a little dubious of the process- seeing as it has been 7 weeks and all. Rachel just really wants to be liked. Bryan’s mom is a little intense and threatens to kill Rachel if Bryan isn’t happy. I don’t think this woman is joking. She also calls her son the love of her life. You know, her son, the person genetically related to her. Yupppp. But it’s okay, Bryan’s mom is a Rachel fan, because like in the end, aren’t we all hardcore Rachel fans?

Bryan knows how this show works and professes his love to Rachel. Rachel is obviously a fan of Bryan.

Time to get some cheese, and by cheese I mean Peter’s breathtaking smile in Wisconsin <3. Also it might be a sign- it was rainy and crappy in Miami and is sunny and beautiful in Wisconsin. Yupppp, it’s a sign. We’ll ignore the fact that Rachel ate arepas in Miami and had to eat pickles in Wisconsin.

Rachel first gets to meet Peter’s friends. They’re like nice, normal, Wisconsin people. They tell Peter to stop being ridiculous and commit already. Direct quote: “Don’t f*ck it up.”

Peter’s family has one intense couch. I’m pretty impressed. Rachel is more preoccupied with whether Peter is ready to propose after the cumulative 2 hours they’ve spent together this season. Rachel flat out asks Peter’s mom, she thinks Peter is ready for “commitment” which is not a proposal. Rachel is not here for a boyfriend. She is here for a husband. I’M HERE FOR THEM TO FIND LOVE TOGETHER FOREVER ALREADY.

Dean is up last in Aspen, CO. He hasn’t spoken to his father in 2 years. Nothing like The Bachelorette forcing interactions among families on national tv. First they go ATV riding so Dean can let Rachel know that if they need to literally ride away from this upcoming meeting that they can. Dean’s dad is Paramuru (Sp?) and his stepmom is Santartar (Sp?). Oh god.

Well everyone is on the floor. Which stops the nice couch streak we were on. Everyone then lays on the floor while Dean’s dad plays the gong. They get to eat some sprouted mung bean curry. I feel incredibly bad for Dean. Confronting your father on tv is never easy. I will say Rachel is incredibly understanding and probably the best person to ever bring home to your weird family.

One good thing is that Dean and Rachel’s relationship is stronger now. One bad thing is that definitely just screwed over my bracket.

Time to get back to business. Chris Harrison is here to help Rachel recap this episode so we know which men she’s going to choose. BUT I DON’T KNOW. I guess we’ll just have to wait 8 minutes to find out.

First rose goes to Bryan. Then Eric. THEN OMG OMG OMG Peter.

DEAN IS GOING HOME. I mean I knew it in my bracket but didn’t think it would happen after watching the episode wowwww.

I’m thinking she knew it wasn’t Dean in the end so she wanted to break his heart sooner rather than later. But dayummm. Poor Dean 😦

Next week:

FANTASY SUITEEEEEESSSS and Rachel’s family in Spain. Let’s do this!

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??

This week, on The Bachelorette….

There are six dudes left.

Bryan- the 37 year old chiropractor that eats Rachel’s face

Peter- <33333333

Eric- he’s the last black guy

Adam- he has a creepy ass doll #AJforever

Matt- he’s a crappier version of Alex #RIPAlex

and Dean, baby face, actual baby Dean.

So there’s no rose ceremony this week- just 3 one-on-ones and one three-on-one.  Rachel is just mixing things up!

Bryan gets the first one-on-one. He is a front runner with Peter. But since he’s not Peter I don’t like him that much. They drive a fancy car and go to a fancy watch store because #swiss. She pulls a Corinne and buys Bryan’s love with a watch. They have a very nice time and Bryan continues to fail at kissing.

Dean gets the next one-on-one. Adam is mad he hasn’t had one, because like he has never talked to Rachel and isn’t sure he wants to bring her home since they like don’t talk. That is a rational thought Adam. Good for you.

We finally get to learn some info about Bryan- he had an earring. He likes school girl uniforms. Bryan had a girlfriend on a beach. It didn’t work out. But don’t worry, he’s getting a rose and Rachel’s getting to meet his family.

Dean and Rachel are going to church! A Catholic church! In French! Yupppp. After church they get to wander around. Dean is concerned because he has an awkward family dynamic. Remember that one time we didn’t get to meet famous #sportsball player Aaron Rodgers? How could Dean’s family be worse than that. Rachel wants Dean to open up and Dean goes with asking about the tooth fairy and dinosaurs. I love me some dinosaurs, but not the time or place honey.

The last one-on-one goes to Peter. YAY.

Eric is not an idiot and realizes the three one-on-ones are the top three and that the three losers on the silly three-on-one are tied for last.

Dean manages to get past his pension for dinosaurs and owns up to Rachel that his family isn’t ideal. After his mom died, his dad got a little eccentric, and he’s honest and adorable. Which makes everything much less awkward so he gets the rose. Still not going to win, but good try Dean.

It’s time for Peter’s date. GET READY FOR THE LOVEEEE. They go in a helicopter and then a dog sled. Sorry I can’t hear you over how perfect they are together. Peter is having some doubts because he’s a rational person and doesn’t actually enjoy dating someone who is dating 15 other people. Peter remains adorable and insists that everyone will love Rachel.

Okay Peter, let’s stop for a moment. Your sob story isn’t really a sob story. This one time you drove away from someone you broke up with amicably.  Get over it.

But let’s get back on the Peter train because he’s getting a rose (obviously). <3333

Time for the three-on-one. Literally no one knows who these guys even are. They at least get to go to France. Which coincidentally is AJ’s hometown. Everyone is obviously gunning for the rose. Everyone should obviously go home. They all say hokey things- blah blah blah.

Rachel begins to cry and tells Matt he reminds her of herself…? She needed an excuse to send him home and just sends him packing mid way through the date. He at least takes his champagne on his long car ride home. Now that’s an exit.

Time for this horrible date to continue.

Adam literally doesn’t understand how this show works because he thinks he has a deep connection with Rachel. That would require them to speak to each other. He gets like really intense in discussing his family and his love for Rachel and it’s wayyyyyy too much.

Eric talks about how he grew up in Baltimore and it was tough. And how he used being positive to grow. It’s an actual backstory with actual reasons why he hasn’t ever brought anyone home.

It is time to give out the rose. I really think Rachel should just skip the rose. She gives it out to Eric. Not a shocker.

Bye Adam, bye AJ, the best creepy ass doll that ever existed. Adam doesn’t want Rachel to have any regrets. Don’t worry Adam, she never knew who you were, she has no regrets.

Coming up:

Rachel is in a vineyard/desert place…? She makes out with a lot of people. There is some family drama and by some I mean a lot. And Dean was being nice when he said his dad is eccentric. OH BOY. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??