The Bachelor S22 E11: After the Final Rose: Proposals, Squads, and Bachelorettes! And a horse

Okay people, I don’t normally watch After the Final Rose for The Bachelor, but I also don’t normally watch 3 hours of finale, so here we are.

In case you live under a rock or you didn’t read my last blog post, this one time Arie picked Becca and then said jk and wanted to go get Lauren instead.

We start with a recap of just how horrible Arie is as he proposes to Becca and “will choose her everyday.” JKJKJK. Arie you suck. We do not like you.

First Arie gets some advice from Jason, the other dude who picked his runner up instead. And then Arie goes to get Lauren. Who lives with her parents…? Jk he was just creeping at her parents’ house. So I guess Arie called Lauren before meeting up with her, and she has some questions before getting back together with him. Oh she was sad and that’s why she went back to her parents, this makes more sense than her living at home.

So this one time Arie saw doubt in Lauren’s eyes and he was doubting their relationship, and he let the rational side take over because Becca had no doubts, but his emotional side is the one that loves Lauren. Arie says he’s a 1000% over Becca- WHAT WHAT WHAT I don’t know how long it has actually been but like it hasn’t been long enough. I HATE YOU ARIE.

But don’t worry, Lauren doesn’t hate him and takes him back. BLERCCHH.

Time to go hear from some of the other girls that Arie dumped this season. They all agree that Arie sucks and it’s not Lauren. We have a confirmed timeline. It was 6 months between proposal to Becca and getting back with Lauren. THAT IS FAST ARIE VERY FAST. The girls do want Lauren to break up with Arie.

Time to bring out Becca, who is amazing and wonderful. So ABC definitely got some flack about all the unedited crying footage and we are now doing PR cover our butts as Becca says she understands the footage was important and gave her closure. Oh honey, I’m sorry. Arie talked to Lauren while still with Becca but told Becca about that which would be nice until oh wait he broke up with Becca and ruined everything.

It’s the moment we’ve been waiting for, Becca and Arie reunite. She has some questions and does not punch him, which makes me sad. Arie says words in regards to her questions but they don’t really make sense. BOOO. Arie felt empty when he got back from Peru….Arie, this is a problem and maybe you should have addressed it before swapping to the other option of Lauren. Arie didn’t think it ever went wrong, he was just “one foot in,” and he should not have proposed.

So this one time Jason picked his runner up and now he is here with her to talk to Chris. I am not here for this, I am here for Becca (and other Bekah dragging Arie through the mud).

So Arie supposedly didn’t watch the finale, he was just straight chilling with Lauren. UGH. Here is Lauren, guess what, she did not magically develop a personality, she’s just as bland. Lauren confirms that Arie literally slid into her DMs to start talking to her again. Lauren thinks Arie is really brave and honest and I’m barfing. Arie says people don’t understand the gravity of this, Arie, I’ve watched lots of seasons of The Bachelor, I know how serious this is. And you messed up.

Arie and Lauren’s plans for their future involve leaving the country, never going on social media, and moving to Arizona together. Such fun.

Oh wait, Arie is here to prove that he is the biggest idiot of all time and proposes to Lauren during the show. Because that isn’t like spitting in Becca’s face or anything. Bye forever Arieeeeee!

Time for the next Bachelorette! It is Becca! Which we knew! But yay! And yes she is too good for this but I’m here to watch some reality tv and like it. And the other girls are super supportive which I believe is sincere despite the fact they’re on tv so they kind of have to say this.

And because we have 15 minutes to fill, Becca is going to get to meet some of her contestants! Because we love watching super awkward things happen live. First is Lincoln, he has a bow tie. I liked him but like he kept talking and it’s his birthday and we don’t need it to be so long winded. Chase is next and he has a baby mullet, sorry Chase, it’s not happening. Oh hey and here is a banjo, Brian plays it, it could be worse. Here is another dude who apologizes on the behalf of all men. Blake is next, he brings Bradley the horse, but doesn’t ride it….he just leads it into the room. Because if you fall of a horse you need to get back up again. At least she rides side saddle.

So that’s it folks! We have no quests for true love until May where we start Becca’s journey for love!

The Bachelor S22 E11: After the Final Rose: Proposals, Squads, and Bachelorettes! And a horse

The Bachelor S22 E10: Well it’s not boring anymore #ArieSorry

The culmination of Arie’s love, a dramatic proposal so he can spend the rest of his life with one woman….wait. I managed to stay spoiler free this season of The Bachelor, despite the internet’s attempt to ruin everything, but in the end it was Chris Harrison, Jason Mesnick, and the utter lack of background music that revealed what would happen before it did.

But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.

We start with Arie’s parents meeting the women. Lauren goes first, she’s blonde and emotionless and Arie’s blonde and not-fully-emotionless mother likes her, that’s a good sign, for Lauren. Next goes Becca. I swear they filmed these on the same day and just forced everyone to change outfits. Arie’s family is a bit preoccupied by how Becca is not Lauren, and keeps mentioning Lauren to Becca. Becca smiles on and describes her wonderful love journey with Arie for the last 2 months, oh honey.

They both get their one last one-on-one dates. Lauren gets to go to the ruins of Macchu Picchu which is super cool, it’s raining and they sneak around the ruins to make out. Good thing the cameramen did some cardio first to catch up with them. Arie and Lauren continue to say “I love you” to each other and I guess he means it.

Becca’s date is next. There are some adorbs alpacas and random children and it rains. I hate to say it, but it’s so boring I don’t even remember. They also profess some love, it’s whatever.

And we’re speeding towards the end with the proposal. Lauren does win the best dressed, but it’s her foot out of the limo first. Which is surprising. But Arie can’t picture them together, she handles it incredibly well and is sent on her way.

Becca is next and goes over their love story and is thrilled when Arie gets down on one knee and promises all the future days together. Music plays, they kiss.

And we cut to Chris Harrison with the live audience. This isn’t over folks. If you missed the infamous Jason Mesnick story, he was the bachelor once, he picked a lady and then a few months later said jk, I want the runner up lady. So we have a precedent, but Jason waited months to break up, and also didn’t do it on unedited tv.

What we learn is that Arie and Becca have been having a great time, they don’t live together yet so they travel. Becca is all glowy and happy. And here’s Arie……….he’s in the rain with the umbrella. He keeps thinking about his fateful choice on that day, and he’s regretting it.

So in the incredibly bold and incredibly exploitative move the producers bring them together for a “happy couples weekend” in LA so Arie can break up with Becca. And Becca does not expect it, and Arie is a complete ass. He explains how he thinks about Lauren when he goes to bed and wakes up and how he is only half here for Becca. Becca asks would he only be half there for Lauren, and Arie says no, he will be fully there. He says sorry about fifteen million times. We don’t care if you are sorry Arie, you are horrible. ARIE SUCKS I HATE HIM GO HOME. Becca handles the two cameramen inches from her face pretty well before escaping to the bathroom so she can rightly sob. And then Arie won’t leave and the cameramen won’t leave and it’s so sad. Arie is horrible at breaking Becca’s heart. And now that he has done it, we can only assume he’s off to confess his love to Lauren, but we get to watch that during the After the Final Rose special tonight.

So it was one of the most dramatic finales yet from one of the most boring Bachelors yet, who we will now hate forever. Can’t wait for Becca to put Arie through the wringer tonight!

The Bachelor S22 E10: Well it’s not boring anymore #ArieSorry

The Bachelor S22 E8: Protective Dads (and Uncles!)

It’s hometowns this week on The Bachelor so get ready for some great and unique families!

And I’m not saying this season is boring and lame, but I am saying it’s hard for me to even remember the four women left.

Quick recap to help everyone!

Boring Lauren who is blonde and monosyllabic

Kendall who likes taxidermy

Becca went on the first one-on-one

and Tia, the knockoff bitchier version of Raven

Kendall, queen of dead, stuffed animals is up first. She’s from LA. Since the only thing we know about Kendall is that she likes taxidermy, obviously this is the first stop on the date. It’s terrifying, as expected. It gets even scarier as they stuff some rat skins, I have no idea if that is the correct terminology and I don’t want to know. Kendall likes Arie and is less logical when she is around him, let’s bring some logic back please. And get rid of the dead animal bodies. Arie says he’s falling for Kendall because we’ve thrown out all the rules, Kendall does not say it back. Honey, you know you better be saying it by the end of this date or you are going home. Or staying home I guess.

Time for Arie to meet the family. Kendall gets some one-on-one time with her mom and discusses how she is falling for Arie and it’s scary. Kendall has a twin named Kylie, I am not making this up. And Kylie is asking Arie some tough questions. Arie worries that Kendall is too analytical aka smart and she might not be ready to trust a tv show with her future. Kendall’s dad lays down the truth and says he would say no if Arie asked for his permission to marry his daughter, because he believes that this show is a little too fast. At the same time her dad will support Kendall 100%. AWWWWWWWWWW YAY FOR DADS. Kendall goes in for the kill at the end of the date by saying she’s falling for Arie, because she knows that girls that don’t profess their “falling for you” are sent packing.

Time to go down south to Weiner, Arkansas with Tia. Oh goodie. Tia plays unfair and takes Arie racing. He goes real fast. He gets to meet Tia’s real southern family who serve him pigs in a blanket. Tia’s brother is not here to mince words, he has heard that Arie is a playboy and a kissing bandit, and I wouldn’t say those are wrong. Also Tia’s brother is a large man and Arie should be scared. But he makes it through the conversation with his face intact. Arie passes her dad’s test, even though her dad does have google and can find Arie. OH WAIT HERE WE GO. TIA IS IN LOVE WITH ARIE. Let’s declare it to get to final 3, Tia knows how to play this game.

Becca is next, she’s from Minnesota. They go apple picking and eat some apples. How healthy. Becca’s dad passed away when she was 19 so her Uncle, Pastor Gary will be there, so nice and intimidating for Arie. Uncle Gary is upfront about the cancer the family has faced and how they have faced it has a family. They are Becca’s guard dogs. And Becca’s mom is not ready to give her permission for Arie to marry her daughter just yet.  Becca quizzes Arie by asking him to think of committed relationships he knows of and if Becca and him are on the same level. Becca’s mom will not bless his proposal, but she does bless Becca’s choice. Yay for Becca’s mom.

Lauren’s hometown is last and based on the previews, it is going to be a doozy. They’re in Virginia Beach. They ride horses on the beach. Oh and here is Lauren’s family that describes themselves as conservative. Oh and it is conservatively awkward, and by that I mean not at all, it’s super awkward. So much so that Arie has to get up from silent dinner to wipe the sweat off of himself.

Lauren’s dad’s red flags about Arie: he is self-centered, and it’s all about him. He also threatens to kill Arie. Her dad was in the military and thankfully this one time Arie hung out with some troops which saves him. I disagree, Lauren’s dad can still kill him. Arie tells Lauren’s mom he is falling in love with Lauren. He asks for her permission and like all the other responsible parents, she says she trusts her daughter. I appreciate the trust of daughters, I just thought we would have more angry dads.

Time for the rose ceremony. And this one is a big one guys, because top three get fantasy suites. And we can only guess how the kissing bandit is in the bedroom (EW I DO NOT WANT TO GUESS THAT NVM). Arie gets out of the limo and doesn’t know what he is going to do, he better figure it out fast because the next step is giving out some roses.  Oh wait, it’s not the next step, the next step is Arie freaking out and going into the other room.

He then asks to talk to Kendall, what is this Arie, this is not the way rose ceremonies go. And this is not good news for Kendall. He wants to know if Kendall is okay with being engaged in three days after knowing Arie for 6 weeks total. And she isn’t ready, despite being on a show that literally ends with the grand prize of getting engaged. They go back inside, I wonder how these roses are going to go….

Becca gets the first one, then Lauren (boring and predictable), and then OH SNAP KENDALL. So bye bye to Tia. And imma say it, I’m not a fan and do not want her as the next Bachelorette, but this extended goodbye scene isn’t helping. #overit

Next week is 2 episodes back to back! Ah! Sunday is Women tell All (snooze) and Monday is fantasy suiteeeeeeeeessssssssssss. And a man! Who is here to get his girl back. Which is definitely not staged, but I’ll take it!

The Bachelor S22 E8: Protective Dads (and Uncles!)

The Bachelor Winter Games: S1 E1 International Fun

Who doesn’t love a spin off? That is literally the “United Nations of Love.” Because I do. The Bachelor Winter Games may be the best idea this franchise has ever had.

So let’s get going and see who is on this cast! There are 25 in total, but that includes all the international people we’ve never heard of.

We have Ben, ex-bachelor, picker of extremely boring Lauren. They even had a spin-off.

Bibiana was just on Arie’s season, she liked calling people out.

Dean. Bleh. We liked him on Rachel’s season and then he screwed everything up on Bachelor in Paradise by being stupid.

Clare once said no to Juan Pablo (like five million years ago) and then has been on Bachelor in Paradise and went a little crazy.

Josiah was on Rachel’s season….that’s all I got.

Lesley says she was on Sean’s season, I guess I believe that. I have no recollection of that.


Time for the international teams! We have a fun parade to introduce them.

There is one lady for Japan, Yuki, I like her already. She knows no English.

Canada brings some hot guys.

China has one lady and England has one as well. Did you know in China they don’t even kiss? Us Americans certainly go a little bit farther in the Fantasy Suites than that. We have some Australians and Swedes as well. This is already my favorite show. We have Finland and New Zealand represented as well. Some dude was on the German version for 3 weeks but then did the Swiss version and won.

We get an anthem that someone needs to get the lyrics for me. And then Trista and Ryan run in with the original Bachelor lantern. Then there’s a private country concert, this show truly is the best of what the franchise has to offer all shoved into one package with sports and snow.

So all of the contestants get to stay in the same cabin with some super fun bunkbeds.

Time for Chris Harrison to explain how this works. There will be gendered events, men vs men and women vs women. The winners of each get a date card. And there will be rose ceremonies with people going home. And there will be winners crowned at the end. #soexciting

They get to have an actual low key cocktail party where there is normal mingling. But of course we need some drama and fun so Josiah and Ally (New Zealand) already start making out. This is about finding love, so why wait? The other quick couples are Dean and Lesley and Bibi and Kevin.

The first challenge is the biathlon! That’s right people, we were kidding, this is actual Olympic sports! The contestants will have to ski around and shoot the targets to win the date. So that’s not that hard…except literally none of them know how to ski. Chris lets everyone practice so we can laugh hysterically. Ally falls and injures herself, athlete down! They have to do heats, because we can’t have too many people with skis and poles going at the same time because someone would get impaled.

Rebecca wins for the women! She’s from Sweden. Kevin from Canada wins for the men! Honorable mention to Christian from Germany who breaks his ski pole somehow in the middle of it and it was hilarious.

So Kevin and Bibi have been talking, so he’s probably going to pick her. However, Ashley I also has her eye on Kevin, I don’t think they’ve spoken at all. But he does ask to talk to her alone. Which definitely isn’t going to go well for her future crying, especially when he chooses Bibiana. She wouldn’t be Ashley I if she wasn’t overreacting and crying.

Becca chooses Luke, off screen, and they get to drink some wine alone. So does Bibi and Kevin and like we skip right over those dates, so they must have been very boring.

Back in the house Clare and Benoit connect while cooking. And they share a kiss. They steal off to the fireplace and kiss some more. Okay, fine, it’s kind of cute. But poor German Christian also liked Clare and is now 😦

Time for the fun and games to end. There are 5 people going home- 3 women and 2 men. The men and women will vote for the opposite sexes with who they want to go home.

It seems everyone is just going to arbitrarily choose someone to send home. For some reason people don’t like Josiah. Ally is feeling him, but not many other ladies. So they have to get rid of the people that aren’t there “for the right reasons.” But this is a spin off of the Bachelor, there aren’t really any wrong reasons at this point, aren’t we all here for reality tv show fame?

Christian confronts Clare about how she was kissing Benoit. He is sad and not kissing Clare. He is interested and she is flattered.

Time for the first rose ceremony! Chris Harrison gets to give out the first rose, since there are going to be 20 people accepting them and we don’t even know who most of them all, I’m just going to list the 5 that get sent packing:

So poor lady from China, British lady, another girl, Eric, and a guy go home. And it’s sad, being sent home by your peers stinks.

But don’t worry, this show is fantastic and you should stay tuned, even though it does have actual #sports.

The Bachelor Winter Games: S1 E1 International Fun

The Bachelor S22 E6: Some sequin thongs and a hedge maze

Chant it along with me: two-on-one, two-on-one, two-on-one! On The Bachelor this week is everyone’s favorite date, the two-on-one! But we aren’t starting with that drama, we’re just starting in Paris! Which for once, is an actual romantic place.

The girls are staying on boat…which is the hotel….which means someone ran out of budget.

Because Paris is super romantic it’s time to bring in the big guns- Chris Harrison. He is here to advise Arie. Arie just seems to like all the pretty girls and cannot decide. This week there are four dates, two one-on-ones, a group date, and the TWO-ON-ONE! The only remaining Lauren gets the first one-on-one. Besides the fact she is blonde and named Lauren, I know nothing about her.

They get to speedboat down a river. Arie is excited to get to know Lauren, nothing like getting to know someone with just 4 weeks left until you have to propose. And nothing like when there’s no background music AND there’s shots of the other girls talking about how shy and reserved you are during the shots of your date. Arie even literally says to camera that he feels like they’re missing easy conversation, so even though he thinks Lauren is super hot and pretty, he might actually require conversations with his future wife. What a high bar.

The group date is: Becca, Seinne, Bekah, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna. Which leaves Jacqueline, Kendall, and Krystal. And we all know that Krystal and Kendall are on the two-on-one. It’s really unfair for the other girl that is going to be on Krystal’s two-on-one because Krystal is so strong and none of the girls are on her level, okay honey.

Arie tells Lauren that he had a great day. LIESSSSSSSSSSs. Lauren has a really sordid past of friendzoning her previous boyfriends. She has trust issues, for no apparent reason. OH WAIT WE GET THE BIGGEST NEWS EVER DURING THIS BORING ASS DATE. The girl Arie was dating miscarried his baby and then left forever. WOW. Did not know that. Oh wait, Lauren explains her trust issues because her parents have been together for 30 years, but it hasn’t all been great. Oh and she was engaged. So this is week 6 and only their first date, and Lauren said 3 words, but she’s getting that rose. GOD ARIE, make worse decisions. I guess they can be incredibly boring together.

The group date is at the Moulin Rouge. I have this suspicion none of these girls are the next Nicole Kidman. They have to do a routine. So some girls are really good, and some girls are really bad. They get to wear some very skimpy, sequin thong costumes and do the routine. And the girl that gets the rose during the cocktail party gets to perform live. Which seems like a prize, but I don’t really know if it is.

Time for the cocktail party, Arie first declares that he is giving the rose to someone that he already decided before talking to everyone, which is confusing, but whatever. Tia solidifies the fact she’s “falling in love” with Arie by letting us all know. We get it hon. Bekah confirms the fact she’s here for Arie, and Seinne speaks some French. But Bekah gets that rose. And then Arie really awkwardly lip syncs while Bekah wears a blonde wig. It was horrible.

Krystal gets the two-on-one date card and reads it as creepily and dramatically as possible. I would say Krystal is going to stab Kendall in her sleep, but she’s so confident in how this date is going to go that it’s unnecessary. They get to go to a French chateau where Arie pretends he is a tour guide. Their next activity is a literal hedge maze. They have to find Arie and of course Krystal finds him first, probably because she just hacked a hole through the shrubbery.

Arie has a real talk with Krystal, she can’t go having fits on a bus, they have to have real adult conversations. She values the color, texture, and depth of their relationship. Ummm, okay. And because this is Krystal, she can’t stop after the making out session. So she has to bring up Kendall and say that Kendall isn’t really ready to fall in love. Oohhh girl, you trash talk Kendall.

Arie brings up the fact that Krystal just trash talked Kendall’s readiness for marriage, and since Kendall isn’t crazy, she has a real response that says she just wants to be able to see marriage potential. Kendall is not here for Krystal being mean and confronts her about it. But she does it super nicely and says she empathizes with Krystal and thinks she is so pretty. I really wanted a cat fight, not this very nice way of saying I understand where you are coming from, but fineeeeeeee, thanks for being a good person Kendall.

Rather than stranding one of the women in the maze, which is the trend of previous two-on-ones, Arie makes them come to the second part of the date for dinner. Krystal doesn’t want Kendall’s life advice, surprise surprise. Arie comes to dinner and it is so incredibly awkward. But he is ready to choose. And he is going with his instinct and Kendall gets the rose. She did just show how incredibly mature and empathetic she is, and oh wait, she’s also not Krystal. Arie immediately exits with Kendall so they can go to the Eiffel Tower, and also avoid being murdered by Krystal.

Time for Jacqueline’s one-on-one date. Arie shows up in a fancy car, and the car literally breaks 4 seconds later. Jacqueline compares this date to being given a pony for Christmas, and if she doesn’t learn to ride the pony by the end of the day then it is going to be shot. Well I hope she is a quick learner. She gets to buy a fancy dress from a fancy dress store. Jacqueline was worried about the fact she is the last girl to get a solo date, and that’s because Arie was intimidated by how smart she is. YUP, she’s too good for him. She also has an established life and Arie is concerned that if they ended up together if it would work. Arie doesn’t want to hold her back, because once again, she’s real smart and he is not. She gets the rose, because Arie feels “really deeply for her” you know, after the literal 5 seconds of time they’ve been together.

Time for the rose ceremony.

To recap: Lauren, Bekah, and Jacqueline have roses, and Krystal has already been sent packing. And there are only three roses, this is a top 6 moment everyone!!

Tia gets the first one. Seinne gets the next one (yassssssssss), and the final rose goes to Becca K.

Bye bye Jenna, we literally didn’t even know you. But Chelsea the mysterious single mom is going home too! And I didn’t see that coming.

We’re not done though, because Lauren is off to the side telling secrets to the producer and being closed off. So that will be some fun drama.

So here are your top six! Which includes two Becca/Bekahs, one of which is five years old, a Lauren he has talked to once, a Jacqueline he’s spoken to a half time, Seinne who is great, and Tia the not-Raven from Arkansas. So yeah, slightly random but we’ll see how that goes.

The Bachelor S22 E6: Some sequin thongs and a hedge maze

The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

Off to London! Tea! Scones! British people!

So there are only 10 guys left. Let’s see if I can name them all:

Arie, Jef, Sean, Chris, Doug, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro…….and two others! Oh, guy that I thought was Charlie is one of them, and Wolf is the last one. Five of them haven’t had a one-on-one date, and there are two one-on-one dates this week.

Sean gets the first one! They get a double-decker bus tour. And Sean says it! I think it’s the first time of the season, he’s falling for her!! They also take a selfie with a digital camera before selfies even were a thing, can always count on this show to start the next biggest trend.

So we don’t like Kalon, that’s established. Kalon makes a super great comment on how if you win that every date will be a group date because of Ricki. Which of course isn’t a great way to look at it, and is wrong. But whatever.

Sean and Emily have a great and adorable time. They get to tour London and then have dinner in the Tower of London where Sean is a “prisoner of love.”

The group date is: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon. So Jef gets that other one-on-one

Emily and Sean end their date with a rose and a make out on top of the Tower of London because medieval torture turns everyone on.

The group date goes to the birthplace of Shakespeare where they will perform Romeo and Juliet. But first they have to audition. Arie hates acting. Which is good, because we don’t want him acting out his feelings, we want him to be genuine. Arie gets to be the nurse, he does not really get Shakespeare, or what he’s saying. But he tries…points for trying…?  He gets to wear tight as the nurse. Oh Arie.nurse.jpg

At the cocktail portion of the date Chris is speaking with Kaylon and says that Emily has a lot of baggage. Doug confronts him about it, and Kaylon will not “retract” the statement, he called Ricki baggage. So it’s not just hearsay. It’s legit. Wellll wow Kaylon you suck. Doug tells Emily about it because #singleparentssticktogether.

Emily wants to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Which is like an almost direct Chad quote. Huh, never noticed how similar Chad and Emily are.giphy (1)

Emily and Doug go back to confront Kaylon and Emily does not want to hear it. And she tells Kaylon to get the f*** out.  Emily is not here for this BS. And she is disappointed that none of the men told her about it, which like isn’t really their faults because we don’t like snitches on this show. But Emily is not down for that and no one gets a rose on the date. OH SNAP.

Jef and Emily go to afternoon tea for their date. But it’s not just any tea, it’s some proper English tea and an etiquette lesson. They run away and go to a pub. Jef brings up the Kaylon drama and how if Ricki is baggage then she’s a Chloe handbag (I don’t understand that reference, should be a sign to say no to Jef). They then drink some tea in the London eye and Jef promises to never lie to her, which is a big promise. They could dance all night long in Utah and be the bestest friends ever, blech. He obviously gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Emily is still disappointed in everyone, and lets Arie know that. Arie doesn’t want to spend his time with Emily talking about other people (that’s rational). Emily is still miffed. Honey, you need to get over this.

Sean and Jef already have roses, the next ones go to:


She is definitely punishing him for not telling her about Kaylon, and is obviously most upset about him because she likes Arie the best. Ugh.

Arie gets the last rose, duh. So bye bye to Alejandro who had 2 minutes of total screen time.

They’re going to Croatia next, and this was in 2012 so that was back before it was cool. So let’s get ready for that drama!

The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

OMG there’s a two-on-one this episode. YASSSSSSSs.

Remember how we were staying in Charlotte for Ricki, well we should probably start a worldwide trip in Bermuda right now, because Ricki doesn’t need to go to school or anything. Education is secondary to reality tv fame.

Doug, the only remaining single father gets the first one-on-one.

Sidebar, Alejandro is “one of the only guys to not get a one-on-one,” honey you need some screentime to even be considered, also there’s like literally 10 people who haven’t had one either. Do better.

Doug is like nervous about his date man. So the other dudes decide to push his buttons. It’s just a bunch of dudes having some fun you know, bro.


As Arie points out, Doug is a little like the Hulk. #Dougangry #Dougsmash #greatscreenshotofthefuturebachelor

Doug and Emily get to go shopping. We learn that Doug is a single dad AND started a charity, what that charity is we do not know.

The group date is: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kaylon

So everyone except for generic blonde dude, long haired dude, Alejandro the only ethnic dude, and brown hair dude are going on the group. So two of those four go on that two-on-one.

Emily is worried that Doug is “too perfect” and when she presses him for his flaws, he says he spends too much time with his son. And maybe didn’t wash his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. He asks Emily and her flaws include being stubborn and wearing pajamas all day -gasp- even in public! He gets the rose. He doesn’t want to kiss Emily because this one time his grandpa said don’t kiss a girl unless she lets you know she wants one. Which is great for consent. Not great because Doug is a little dense and not going to make the first move. We’ll see how this works for him in the long run (spoiler, it doesn’t work well).

The group date gets to go on a classic privileged white man date- sailing! To make it even more testosterone filled it’s going to be a race and the winning team gets more time with Emily.

John “Wolf” and Nate are the two-on-one. I think they’re literally only having a two-on-one so they could use the Bermuda Triangle. I literally have no idea who Nate is. And if John didn’t have such a stupid nickname I’d know nothing about him.

So sailing involves lots of cranking…?

Arie’s team was behind first and then they were ahead and this is so intense…not. Arie’s team wins the alone time with Emily.  So that obviously means there is an entire boat of sore losers. Charlie cries in the car ride home? Why?

So the winning team was Ryan, Kaylon, Arie, and Jef. So half douchebags and half top two. Ryan starts by toasting to Emily the trophy wife. Point made.

Arie uses his alone time to let Emily know that he missed her. And to make out.

Jef uses his alone time to let Emily know that he “likes her.” Like likes her? Because he’s 14 and in high school. Emily wants him to open up, and we get no background music. And it’s awkward because he doesn’t kiss her. Probably because he thinks she has cooties.

Ryan is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. What? I can’t even. He then compliments her butt and likes that she goes to the gym. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” Okay Ryan. Go home. It gets better, Ryan doesn’t like how Emily was kissing Arie at the rose ceremony and decides to tell her that.

Jef gets the group date rose, ugh. And then there are fireworks.

The two-on-one is Nate and John. I can’t definitely say this is the lamest two-on-one of all time. But definitely in the top three. I literally know nothing about Nate. There’s not even any drama.

Facts about Nate:

  • He’s 25
  • He’s blonde
  • He had a breakup
  • He’s on Season 8 of the Bachelorette

This is by far the most congenial two-on-one ever. They toast to each other and no one is screaming or storming off or being left in the Badlands. After cliff diving they get to have dinner in a soggy cave.

OH GOD. OH GOD. Nate just asked if this is quinoa. But he pronounced it as Quinn- no- ah.  Instead of \ ˈkēn-ˌwä , kē-ˈnō-ə \ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Back to more facts about Nate. He has parents, and a brother, and friends. He cries about missing his family. Oh Nate.

John talks about how he doesn’t like to have all the attention and wants to get to know Emily more. John gets the rose because he appears to have an actual personality. Nate gets to go home to his family and quinoa.

So to address my doubts about Ricki’s education we get to see that she is studying. Fine, school is tied with reality tv in importance.

Cocktail party time. Ryan is a smooth talking annoying misogynist. No one likes him. And it’s up to Arie to save the day and interrupt their one-on-one time. Emily can see her and Arie sitting on a front porch just chilling. Awww

Ryan is totally here for Emily, but like it this were to not work out, he could totally see himself as the next Bachelor. UGH ICK NO

Sean gets to talk to Emily and even though they haven’t had a one-on-one they are feeling each other.

Chris is hurt that the other dudes think he’s real young (he’s 25) and not ready. Other dudes being Doug. So Chris is going to confront Doug about it. He’s being a “grown ass man” about it. That really proves he’s mature.

Time for the roses! Doug, Jef, and John already have roses this week. And there are 7 roses, so that will be 10 guys staying.

Sidebar: wayyyyyyyyyy too many necklaces Emily, I know you’re in Bermuda but that doesn’t mean you need every damn seashell hanging around your neck.

And the roses go toooooooooo:

  • Sean (future Bachelor)
  • Arie (duh)
  • Travis (I really thought that was Charlie)
  • Chris (he’s so mature)
  • Ryan (no one likes you)
  • Kaylon (was the bad guy before Ryan started talking about trophy wives)
  • Alejandro (wasn’t expecting that)

So the real Charlie and the dude with the ponytail (Michael) are going home. Boi bye.

Pip pip cheerio they’re off to London next week! There’s some drama brewing in England with Ricki so let’s hope it comes to a boil (#badteahumor).

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat