Battlestar Galactica: S1 E5 Escape!

So everybody is still really thirsty. They found the water, but it’s all frozen and someone needs to go and harvest it. The ship full of prisoners sounds like it should a good idea and lots of free labor….oh wait, nope.

Lee and various other peeps including annoying assistant Billy go to the prison ship to enlist the help of the criminals. But guess what, the criminals don’t want to help. And then guess what? They escape! Oh no, that’s not going to go well. Tom is on the prison ship, he’s a terrorist/rebel dude. He really likes democracy.

Back on Caprica, Sharon and Helo nonchalantly walk through the abandoned city wondering where everyone is…oh wait, they’re dead.

Back on Galactica, Commander Adama asks Gaius why he doesn’t have his cylon detector. It might be because he made that up. But he obviously can’t tell him that. Number 6 insists that Gaius should probably get a nuclear warhead, always good to listen to the voices in your head, especially when they want a big bomb. But supposedly Gaius only needs the plutonium so he can do #science! And the Commander gives in, so now Gaius gets a warhead all to himself.

Obviously we need a plan to go save all the nice people that are now hostages on the prison ship. And obviously we should send Starbuck, because she’s the best. Tom really just wants some democracy and for people to like vote on things. Which is a nice idea, except like all of humanity currently lives on some ships, so someone’s got to be in charge.

Of course one of Tom’s friends/fellow prisoners actually is a real prisoner so he’s actually pretty sketch and he keeps harassing Callie until he takes her away. #notgood It’s okay though, she bites his ear off and he shoots her, but she’ll be okay. And the troops are here to kill everyone!

But wait, Lee doesn’t want to kill Tom, he is also a fan of #democracy. So he’s going to make sure an election happens because electing people to lead you is good.

The problem is, can’t really re-elect the current President because you know, she has cancer, and will probably die. So that’s not very good. Maybe while Gaius makes his cylon detector he can also whip up the cure for cancer, you never know!

Battlestar Galactica: S1 E5 Escape!

Battlestar Galactica S1 E4: Water, water everywhere (by everywhere I mean now floating off in space)

Just to recap:

Cylons bad robots. Humans almost extinct. Now we’re ready!

Look, a cylon! This one is the one that doesn’t know she’s a cylon. She’s boomer/Sharon/Cylon 8. She’s also all wet. And there’s a bomb!! But it’s okay because you can just defuse bombs by pulling out one of the two wires #nobiggie She then goes to return it and OMG THERE ARE OTHER BOMBS MISSING FROM THE SUPER OFFICIAL BOMB SUITCASE.

Okay, fine, it’s time to learn everyone’s names. Thank goodness there’s a wiki for that (

Problem is I have to avoid the spoilers, so this will be fun.

Colonel Saul Tigh (the old dude who isn’t the most important old dude) is measuring his alcohol, I assume because all of the actual worlds were blown up and this is like the last bit ever. Which is the saddest thing ever.

Lee is talking to his Dad, Admiral William Adama (the most important old dude) about how when you blow up a ship potentially full of nukes and/or innocent people it weighs on your conscience just a little.

President Laura Roslin and her assistant Billy (of course his name is Billy) land on the Galactica to tell everyone good job for not falling asleep. A ship needs some water and has to get some from the Galactica which seems like super easy and straightforward….if you were wondering where those missing bombs went we found them. Blowing up the water supply. Now we know why Sharon was wet. Ohp.

In other news Sharon tells Galen (the guy in charge of the bays (who she’s sleeping with)) about the missing bombs and says what if she is a sleeper cylon?! OMG BUT SHE IS! But she doesn’t know that, and he insists she’s wrong. Boy he’ll feel silly about that when he learns the truth.

Back on Caprica, Karl/Helo is chilling with another version of cylon Sharon and they have to figure out have to get off the planet. If only one of them was secretly a cylon.

The Admiral figures out there must be a cylon on board (gasp) and asks Gaius how his testing of everyone is going. The testing if people are a cylon or not. The testing he made up. Oops. He gets a new fun assistant! Lt. Felix Gaeta (the magic of imdb).

STARBUCK. Still confused why this show isn’t just 52 minutes of Starbuck, but whatever, I’m not bitter. She plays cards with Gaius who is just trying to hide from his new assistant buddy Felix.

Boomer/Sharon/8 goes searching for water and her scan says there’s water but she is having a hard time saying that. MAYBE BECAUSE SHE’S PROGRAMMED TO KILL ALL OF HUMANITY.

President Laura asks Lee to be her professional military dude that tells her all the military lingo and stuff. They’re #buddies

And no one dies from dehydration! Great work crew! Until next episode!

Battlestar Galactica S1 E4: Water, water everywhere (by everywhere I mean now floating off in space)

Battlestar Galactica S1 E3: Hurry! Everyone take a nap!

Sorry for the delay. I was watching 13 Reasons Why with the rest of the world.

Speaking of which, if you take 13 and multiply it by 2 and add 7 then you get…33!

So the Cylons have been attacking every 33 minutes for the last…5 DAYS. That means no one can sleep because all the ships have to jump somewhere every 33 minutes. I can’t function with less than 8.5 hours of sleep. I’d be dead. Who needs to save the entire human race, I’d just want a nap.

So suffice to say, everyone is a little pissy and tired. But don’t worry, the crew is a little bit more invested in the human race than I am.

On Colonial One Gaius hallucinates- but I guess he always does that- pretty Cylon 6 wants to have babies because God says so…I guess why not? He learns another scientist wants to talk to the President about the attacks which can’t possibly go well since he inadvertently gave all the codes to the Cylons, so that’s not good.

Back on Caprica we learn that Helo isn’t dead! And that his real name is Karl! I don’t really understand the point of call signs but I do like fun nicknames.

Old man Adama is feeling real tired and gets to take a ten minute nap. Good for him.

We then get to see Starbuck for the first time in the episode <33333333 She tells Apollo to stop sucking at being a leader. I’d listen to anything she says ever.

Back to Helo/Karl who is injecting himself with fun radiation needles. Remember the last time he was seen with all those people trying to leave the planet? I wonder where they went. Maybe they all took real long naps.

The communications lady (one day I’ll learn everyone’s names) finds out that one of the ships didn’t make the last jump. There goes about a tenth of the remaining human population. Ohp. Buttt, conveniently that Doctor Gaius was worried about was on that ship. Which Cylon 6 lady says is because God is looking out for him. Gaius likes #science and disagrees.

33 minutes go by…………but the Cylons don’t come!

Hurry! Everyone take a nap!

Apollo, Starbuck, and Boomer have to do the first patrol. Boomer, in case you don’t know her name, is from #calculationscrew and is oh wait, A CYLON. But she’s a ‘sleeper cylon,’ hahaha so many sleep jokes, and doesn’t know she’s a cylon. And then Starbuck jokes about how she’s never tired so she must be a cylon. So much dramatic irony.

The Olympic Carrier is back! That’s the ship that everyone thought died. But it shows up a little late, which is just a little sketchy. And by sketchy I mean that the ship won’t talk to anyone and has nukes on board.

Cylon 6 makes Gaius repent for doubting God which seemingly makes the President approve the destruction of the Olympic Carrier. Why didn’t we just ask God for a nap like 100 attacks ago? We’re not sure there are any evil cylons on the carrier, but they blow it up anyway. But this is war.

Back to Karl/Helo! A not hallucinated Cylon 6 tries to save him and then is shot by Boomer! But oh wait, isn’t Boomer flying around in a dramatic irony ship? Well this is another version of her and this is definitely going to go real well.

Madame President is real sad about the fact that they maybe just exploded a ship full of 1300 civilians, but the cylons haven’t attacked for 24 hours so it seems like God/the plan worked. But don’t worry! A baby was born so we can increase the headcount by one. Don’t worry baby, it will just be your job to help repopulate the entire human race #nopressure

Now let’s all go take a nap!

Battlestar Galactica S1 E3: Hurry! Everyone take a nap!