The Bachelor Episode 4: I’m a cake expert

Time for LAS VEGASSSSs.

The twins were born and raised there…not surprised.

Ben totally commissions a giant light up sign to welcome the ladies to Las Vegas, so romantic! I don’t think the ladies understand how this show works. Ben isn’t squirreled away in his room writing down ideas for super romantic things to do for the 14 women he’s dating.

JoJo gets the first one-on-one date in Vegas.

The twins do everything together, the live together, they treadmill together, they have the same job…but we already knew that, because their profession is “Twins.” They also definitely had a birthday in the last week because they are now 23.

New game- try to see how long the show can go without an Olivia confessional, shot of Olivia, or someone complaining about Olivia! I’m betting 2 minutes max.

A helicopter comes to whisk JoJo and Ben away on their date. I’m not sure if JoJo is wearing clothes. Her top seems to be a black piece of fabric that is almost blown away by the wind. After the first half of their date- which was making out, JoJo and Ben have a great “opening up” conversation and make out some more. And wait, there’s fireworks. And the other girls can see the fireworks, which just inspire EXTREME ANGER. How could those fireworks be for JoJo and not them?! How could they make out under fireworks in Las Vegas?! That is a bucket list item all of them decided they wanted to do like 5 minutes ago! Life is so unfair.

The group date might secretly be torture, because it’s a talent show in front of an actual audience! And there’s a creepy ass ventriloquist. And 12 women on one date.

I promise I’m trying to not just quote everything Olivia says- but BAM SHABAM.

Hailey (Hayley Hailee? sp) and Emily start off with an Irish dance…in German costumes. Jubilee actually knows how to play the cello. Then we get a montage of everyone else’s talent…until Olivia. Who pops out of a cake not wearing very many things. Props to Caila to being just the nicest person ever and having positive-ish things to say.

Olivia then has a panic attack- since I’m not a licensed medical professional I cannot comment on the veracity of the panic attack…so yeah. She was like really embarrassed by Ben being embarrassed the “talent” she decided of her own free will to perform. Also she’s not sure if she’s “marriage material.”

I do not like #RachelUnemployed’s dress. Quote of the day by Lauren H: “little ben is way bigger than I expected”… in regards to the terrifying ventriloquist puppet…not Ben’s dick. Although if it had been about his dick it might have been less awkward.  She also does not know how to kiss.

I think I know the route of the Olivia problem- she never learned how to share…wait nope, there’s definitely more to her than that.

The group date rose goes to Lauren B (quick recap- she’s the flight attendant afraid of heights, and is cute and blonde and seems nice).

Becca’s one-on-one involves her wearing a wedding dress. And Jubilee comes in with the actual best quote of the episode “If she hasn’t lost her virginity in 26 years I doubt it’s going to happen in 6 hours.” Ben gets down on one knee and Becca almost has a heart attack- no they aren’t getting married, they’re just marrying other people. Marrying as in officiating. A dream come true for most couples to have Ben and the woman he most likely isn’t going to choose to marry to officiate their wedding.

Ben’s big questions for Becca- can she love? Can she feel? Is she secretly a robot trying to take over the world?

Surprise two-on-one date! With twins! They go to their house, because nothing says awkward like meeting someone’s mom before breaking up with their sister. To make a snap judgement, since I can’t actually tell them apart, but I like Haley better, as Emily starts crying to her mom within 2 minutes of getting home and throws Haley under the bus. Well great, because Ben sends Haley home…in front of her mom. Possibly most awkward thing ever.

Cocktail party timeeee

Jen attempts to talk to Ben to get screen time. But guess what?! Olivia jumps in. Saying her talent isn’t jumping from cakes but eating cakes. As someone who actually eat cakes I can go ahead and say Olivia does not, and is certainly not an expert. JoJo is shocked that Olivia already told Ben she is “falling for him.” Has she never seen this show? Waiting until week 4 to say that is moving pretty slow.

Ben and Jubilee have an actual, heartfelt real moment. I’m impressed, Jubilee is a great person, Ben is just blah. But he stepped up his game.

I think I can do this now- there’s enough girls left where I sort of know things about each of them…the roses go to:

Amanda- single mother of two

Lauren H.- she’s a blonde and also bitchy, and was the chicken in the talent show

Jubilee- everyone should know her by now

Emily- 1/2 of twins

Caila- fellow software salesperson

Jennifer- okay all I know about her is her name and that she doesn’t get a lot of screen time

Leah- I also know nothing about her but her boobs look great in this dress

Olivia- duh

So #RachelUnemployed and Amber go home. I think with Amber leaving all of the remaining women are the same age or younger than Ben.

Next episode:

Mexico!!! And problems for Jubilee, which I’m not happy about, because I like her. And guess what?! OLIVIA.

The Bachelor Episode 4: I’m a cake expert

The Bachelor Episode 3: Cankles

Sooo I’m super late on this post, so we’ll do a super abbreviated summary

 

Ben goes on a one on one date with a flight attendant afraid of flying…she’s blonde and named Lauren. They go in another hot tub- this one in the middle of a field instead of a creepy store. He gives her the rose!

 

Group date is soccer, I don’t know why the women’s US team that won the freaking world cup needs to slum for a spot on the Bachelor, but they do. Chris Harrison has obviously decided that this is the season of fun outfits for unnecessary explanations – like they are going to play for the date. Cue women who have never played soccer before flailing on the field and throwing their bodies into it. Unlike a real soccer player, when #RachelUnemployed goes down she doesn’t stay down and limps along, probably leading to her team’s untimely demise.

The after soccer cocktail party is unsurprisingly dominated by Olivia, no one likes her and her big mouth. But Amber, after spending about 99% of her time on the show complaining, gets the rose instead. Like really honey, stop complaining about not talking to Ben, and you know, like go and talk to him.

 

Jubilee gets the next one on one date, which really floors her because she is noticing she isn’t quite like the other girls. Ie she isn’t blonde, vapid, and has an actual pretty sad back story and as a veteran has done some things with her life. Cue other girls being super jealous.

They take a helicopter to a cool spa and Jubilee and Ben have an incredibly awkward yet cute date. She gets the rose.

Rose ceremony time! Ben walks in to say two of his very close family members have just been killed in a plane crash, but he’s here for the very important rose ceremony that definitely couldn’t have been postponed.

Olivia does her patented HURRY GRAB HIM BEFORE SOME OTHER BITCH DOES move and immediately tells him life is hard, no one is perfect, and that people make fun of her cankles. I have two things to say about this- one, I do sincerely hope this is editing and that she didn’t literally start talking about cankles seconds afterwards Ben talks about people in his life dying. And two, the staff is really slacking, she says her toes are also weird but I have yet to see a solidly zoomed in shot of her offending feet.

Jubilee offers to give Ben a massage because he’s sad, she’s good at massages, and Ben likes them. Problem being she has a rose. This makes everyone REALLY MAD AND REALLY BITCHY. We’ll ignore that this is pretty much what Olivia does every other time she has had a rose. One of the blonde horrible ones makes a very mean comment that Jubilee would “never like be friends with the other soccer moms” so she wouldn’t be a good match for Ben. Well neither would horrible blonde #1 whose name I am now refusing to learn.

Amber, for some odd reason, decides to be the captain of the “Confront Jubilee Unnecessarily Brigade” and goes to attempt to bring her in to talk to her and about 15 other girls at once. Jubilee refuses, as she is currently lying on an outdoor bed with a blanket. I wouldn’t move either, beds and blankets are so much better than bitches. But they won’t stop attacking her so she gets upset and Ben has to console her. It’s like she has real feelings!

It’s finally time to give out roses, some girls who I have no idea who they are go home, and so does Shushanna, my bracket is happy, and for some reason the mysterious accent she has had disappears during her goodbye. Well whatever.

Up next! More drama! More fun! More kissing! And hopefully at least one solid shot of Olivia’s cankles.

The Bachelor Episode 3: Cankles

The Bachelor: E2 Ben’s Erupting Volcano

Time for episode 2!  The week of the very first one-on-one, some huge group dates, and lots of women already “falling for Ben,” despite literally only being in the same room as him for less than 3 hours, and that’s a generous estimation.

To recap last time, in case you forgot. Lots of women came in limos, the stand outs included Olivia with the first impression rose, Lace and her drunken bitchiness, and Mandi…with her terrifying dentist-ness.

Everyone loves a slow motion, gratuitous, zoomed in shot of Ben’s crotch.

Guess what? Lace is also a sober bitch

The first group date is having fun in high school. Including a challenge to make the volcanoes erupt the fastest. Don’t worry ABC, we didn’t miss the sexual innuendo

Ben finally gets to put his varsity jacket to use, I think Mandi has no idea what one is, does she really know what is going on anyway?

Now it’s time for the “super cute”mingling part. Becca does pretty well by showing she knows more about basketball than geography. Hey, you can’t have it all.

About two seconds into their alone time, Ben kisses Jennifer, whose name I only learned because he kissed her. So he obviously likes her.

You guys, Lace is a good girl

OMG Lace got to talk to Ben, 2 times! She still didn’t get the rose, JoJo did, and Jennifer, Jubilee, and JoJo all got kissed, so Ben has a thing for girls with J names. Too bad for the 5 million Laurens.

Caila gets to go on the one-on-one, and by one-on-one I mean, one on Ben with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. So it goes about as awkward as it can, we learn Caila’s favorite color is yellow, she’s really opening up to Ben! And Kevin doesn’t like wearing bathing suits when randomly going into a hot tub in a spa store.

Caila and Ben sit in a restaurant and do not eat their very nice looking dishes that seem to include an entire loaf of bread and declare they like really like each other. The only problem is Caila didn’t meet Ben on a plane, like she did with her last boyfriend. She can just close her eyes and pretend she’s on one for now. We get a private concert!  Cross it off on your Bachelor bingo board that I’m sure buzzfeed created.  Caila seems nice, but may be a little too sugar coated for Ben as she won’t even say hell, honey you’re on the bachelor, this is much more than G rated.

The next group date goes to the “Love Lab” where “Dr. Love” uses “science” to find Ben’s perfect match (all quotes, air and real are mine). The tests include smelling, and heat sensors, that way you can really know if you are meant to be.

The twins work really hard to uphold blonde stereotypes…and do a good job of it.  #scienceishard Olivia wins, she must smell very nice.

At the night cocktail hour, Ben decides to wear a hoodie while everyone else busts out their cocktail dresses. So he’s a little under-dressed. Amanda tells him about her secret love children- I mean normal children with totally normal names and thinks they connect. But science wins and Olivia gets the rose. SCIENCE

COCKTAIL CEREMONY TIMEEEEEE

Roses- JoJo, Caila, and Olivia already have roses, so the 1000 others are up for grabs. Or like 15, I don’t know

Olivia pulls a Lace and steals Ben for even more time even though she has a rose. And then Lace decides to pull a Lace on Olivia and talk to her about it. Lace knows she is a great woman, I don’t really know why this conversation is happening. Simple ways to talk to Ben….talk to Ben. Which she does, and goes over how awkward she used to look, which is why she’s crazy now…maybe not talking to him was a better strategy.

Wait, did you know that being in a house with tons of other women all dating the same man is going to be stressful? Because none of these women did

Ben “made” a picture for Lauren B of their first moment sitting on the steps. I’m super confused. I truly hope he has 20 identical pictures of all the women that he gives out one by one as “something special.” Oh wait, he has cute thoughtful gifts for multiple women. Some producer definitely is getting a raise

Time for the rose ceremony, I don’t know enough about them to name everyone but we have-

Amanda single mom

Jubilee adopted fighter

Lauren B hot girl with a picture

Becca- Chris Soules farmer reject

Lace- you should all know who she is by now

LB- girl who just got a lot of screen time about being unsure about being there so she then leaves.

Twin 1 and Twin 2

Shusanna- who still doesn’t speak any english

The final rose goes to previous season Amber, sending crazy dentist Mandi home as well as bad smelling Sam and some other girls I’ve never seen before

Ben is confused by the process and it doesn’t make sense how he has to make people leave.  I don’t think he understand that he can’t just date all of the women for forever

Next week!

Helicopters, bi-planes, hot tubs and more crying. And…OLIVIAAAAAA. Also Jubilee crying. What fun!

 

The Bachelor: E2 Ben’s Erupting Volcano

The Bachelor is Back: It’s raining Ben…and crazy women

IT’S THAT TIME AGAINNNNNNN

 

The Bachelor is back!  And Ben is the man. Or boy. Man-boy? Well all we know is he feels super unloveable and needs to find a loving woman to make him feel whole.

We have some crazy ladies this season, as always. There are about 10 Lauras/Laurens/and a Lace.

Let’s talk limo entrances!

Headgear: Giant rose, unicorn hat

Accessories: Hoverboard, football, tiny horse

Twins: …over it

Scary professions: Dentist and chicken enthusiast

Sparkly dresses: Too many to count, but some super cute ones

Lace starts out strong out of the gate, running straight to the bar and getting the first kiss…and the first 10 glasses of wine. Her commentary sure is funny and I hope she’s just as amusing when sober.

Everyone freaks out, it’s so hard to date so many women at the same time! Ben has never done this before…no duh.

Becca (the runner up to farmer Chris’ season who is a virgin with no personality) and Amber (a girl that was on someone’s season that I don’t remember at all but I think has a personality) show up to mix things up. And by mix things up I mean follow the actual rules instead of showing up half way through the season (cough cough Salty Douche Nick).

The first impression rose goes to Olivia, who is a super cute ex-anchorwoman who came off as confident and nice. WOW, it’s almost like gimmicks don’t work really well.

The rose ceremony goes as predictable as it can, lots of Laurens get roses and I don’t recognize or know anyone else. Lace doesn’t get a rose, and she still doesn’t get a rose, and then there’s one rose left! Lace gets that rose. Just goes to show you, if you’re hot enough, and drink enough red wine you can get what you want.

The losers that go home the first night include:

Red Velvet- I guess ginger isn’t Ben’s favorite flavor

Breanne- Ben said her name so I now know it

The chicken enthusiast- she’s never been away from her chickens for 7 days so it’s good she’s going home before separation anxiety sets in

The girl that broke bread because she doesn’t believe in gluten…no duh she was sent home, bread is wonderful

and some other girls

And now that the ceremony is over, Lace has some more beef with Ben. Always a great sign for your upcoming relationship.

Names you should know:

Lace- got drunk, had some hilarious comments, likes kissing Ben, and is needy

Olivia- front runner and first impression rose winner

Mandi-from Portland and is definitely keeping it weird with her creepy dentist skills

Laurens- there are a bunch of them with no distinguishable character traits just yet

Coming up on this season!

What isn’t going to happen?! Tears! Helicopters! Hot tubs! Lots of love declarations! More mini horses?! …and twins

Oh Bachelor, I’ve missed you so much.

The Bachelor is Back: It’s raining Ben…and crazy women

The Challenge: Bloodlines: Lotsa episodes, lotsa drama

Watched all the episodes, just a little behind in blogging, so here’s a short recap of Corneesa-

Cory revealed he wasn’t actually interested in Aneesa, she wasn’t very happy. Trivia time!  Contestants are as horribly ignorant as always. Abram and his brother come to replace Tony, and boys go into elimination. And it ended in a cliffhanger, so  we’re all caught up.

Everyone is deliberating who to throw in- Abram’s brother Mike volunteers, and is immediately shut down. The vets are fearing the large amount of rookies and want to break up the alliance, so they want Raphy and Mitch to go in. Which is what happens

The Pit involves pulling a chain across a line with each player on either end. Seeing as Raphy is about 3 Mitches worth of man it seems pretty obvious that he is going to win. And he thinks he does after Mitch falls and he pulls most of the chain over to his side. Then Dario chest butts him, causing him to go off the platform and but Mitch somehow gets up in time to redeem himself and wins. So yeah…Dario and Raphy prove what I always thought, there isn’t really a brain between the two of them

Next episode!

Abram is not happy about Johnny and wants to get rid of him. Fine, Johnny isn’t many people’s favorites. Just not fine because it’s a girl’s elimination week and maybe don’t start scheming against the biggest schemer then. There’s also the fact Abram has no idea about whatever the heck went down with Cara Maria and Thomas. Oh, and Abram is crazy.

The challenge involves transferring balls with boxes on your head. Blue team is a hot mess, Red team has a plan. They unpredictably kill it. So now Blue team girls have to go into the Pit.

Kelly Anne volunteers- most likely to avoid the embarrassment of being unanimously voted in. Red team votes in Nany, which starts with Johnny saying her name…which is not going to be good. This is exactly Abrams’ plan of taking down Johnny and all of his allies

The Pit is called “Ring my Bell” you run from one end to the other and hit a mattress to ring a bell- pretty easy. Except you have to do it 50 times. I don’t know anything I can do 50 times…maybe like sleep or sit down.

Kelly Anne pulls out the win and Nany and Nicole have to go home.

We are now officially half way…except for the promised people that are returning…CT BABY and Zach.

Johnny points out that the new alliance of Abram, Cara Maria, and Thomas has a very big elephant in the room and we all know that shit is eventually going to hit the fan, especially if Johnny gives it a little push

 

The Challenge: Bloodlines: Lotsa episodes, lotsa drama