Bachelor in Paradise S4 E3 Part 1: Alex wants a rose, like any rose

This week on Bachelor in Paradise…!

So there were some couples before filming shut down. But then everyone went home and were not intoxicated 24/7 and trapped on an island and got some perspective. So the ladies are unhappy.

Dean and Kristina went on an off camera road trip but now its kind of wonky.

Adam shows up. He is the father of Adam Junior, aka AJ, aka the best creepiest mannequin ever to exist. The bros are like super chill and say like all the women are like super open except for Taylor and Derek. Adam comes in hot with lots of questions for the ladies. He wants to know Raven’s ultimate goal for this show—- isn’t it everyone’s? Free booze on an island with slightly above average attractive people?

It’s time for Adam to decide who he is taking on his date. He asks Raven. And she says yes. Kristina has to turn her attention back to Dean who is being flaky. She wakes him from a nap to discuss. Let sleeping Deans lie. Dean decides to go shower, this is going well.

This season really seems to be more like Bachelor in Bro-adise. Because there are a lot of bromances happening and not so many romances.

Raven and Adam get to go get margaritas. Adam asks about all the other men in Raven’s life- Ben Z, Ben Z’s dog, and Robby. Raven wants a man she can be honest with, like brutally honest. Adam wants a rose and thinks Raven is pretty so he’s agreeing with everything.

Time for the first freaking rose ceremony! There are 8 women and only 12 men. So four fellas are going home. Which means the fellas are scrambling for some roses.

Ben Z really wants Raven’s rose. Not as much as he loves his dog, but a lot. Raven doesn’t know what she is going to do with her rose. Well, she does know she’s not giving it to Robby and his 12 abs. But Adam isn’t going home without a fight and twirls Raven into a private make out session.

Robby is trying to get Amanda’s rose. He is kind of concerned because she used to be engaged to his buddy- Josh, the biggest, sweatiest asshole. Robby tries to go in for a kiss and is denied. And then refers to himself as #romanticrobby

Taylor and Derek are an actual couple and the only really obvious rose for tonight.

Both Iggy AND Diggy are gunning for Lacey’s rose. Poor Lacey.

Amanda lets short Alex know that he is not getting her rose. So he’s out on the prowl. And literally talks to everyone.

So Dean decides to actually talk to Kristina. He lets her know he isn’t really feeling it and the vibe is weird. And at least he says it before the rose ceremony.

And there’s a rose ceremony coming up! But we’ll never get to have it because there’s a special report. So we literally never get this rose ceremony.

Andddd we’re back!

To finish this episode we finally get a rose ceremony!

Taylor goes first and gives her rose to Derek (DUH)

Jasmine and Matt

Raven and Adam (damnit)

Alexis and Jack Stone

Lacey and Diggy (good choice girl!)

Danielle and Ben Z (come through Danielle! Ben will have to go a week longer without his dog, but is a week closer to love)

Kristina and Dean (it’s as if we saw Dean in all the previews)

Amanda gives her rose to Robby (UGHHHH)

So Diggy, Nick, Alex, and Vinny go home. Vinny at least gets a blooper filled exit with his seat belt.

It’s a new day in paradise so that means there’s going to be some new people to shake things up. And it’s Danielle L! In case you need a man’s opinion- she’s like really hot. And she has a cool nickname- DLo. So like she has everything going for her. And she wants to go with Dean, and he says yes.

We get a great scene of Jasmine and Alexis as besties. I’m so here for this. Yay for girl friendship!!

Dean is worried about Kristina’s “headspace” and wants to make sure she’s good with the date he is going on with another woman. But then he goes on the date with the other woman anyway. So obviously very concerned. Dean and DLo go riding on an ATV or whatever through the jungle. Both Dean and DLo think each other are like really pretty.

We get a nice cut of Kristina walking in the ocean all sad juxtaposed with Dean and DLo making out with each other. This is going to be a fun love triangle.

Kristina wants to be with Dean and Dean is kind of like flopping around. He manages to flop his way into a conversation with Kristina. I feel like important conversations should be had while at least sitting up and not while lounging on giant colored pillows. They don’t actually discuss anything though. But are now all good?

Everyone goes to the beach for a bonfire. And Dean and Kristina are good. Except Dean is an idiot because he brings DLo a half birthday cake. Ugh Dean. And awww Kristina because she’s sad because Dean is stupid.

Tomorrow night we deal with more of the Dean/Kristina drama. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY THERE IS JORGE TOURGES AND WELLS AND DANIELLE.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E3 Part 1: Alex wants a rose, like any rose

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E2: Secret off air roadtrips

Time for the drama!

On this episode of Bachelor in Paradise 

We get to watch Evan and Carly’s wedding. UGHHH. First we get a recap of Carly’s journey though The Bachelor and then her first stint on Bachelor in Paradise, both ending in tears. Then Evan’s journey with Chad.

There’s an incredibly boring montage of the couples that have actually been successful and got married on tv. BORING.

I guess Carly and Evan’s relationship is cute and genuine. But we don’t need to spend this much time on it.

Tanner gives us the best line of probably the entire season: “This is the baby that paradise made.” And by best, I mean worst, bleaching my ears out.

Carly’s vows include promising to learn CPR in case Evan ever fakes his death again, which would be a cool way to make out. Then a shaman comes.

FINALLY THE WEDDING IS OVER AND IT IS TIME TO GET BACK TO THE SHOW.

Chris Harrison lets us know that the investigation found no evidence of misconduct. He actually asks everyone if they agree. And they do. Taylor chimes in a whole lot and is very annoying. We do learn she doesn’t drink and has never had a drink on the show or had anyone ask her to.

Diggy is worried about DeMario’s reputation in the long run, because you know, in 30 years when someone googles ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ they’ll see this. Soooo concerned for the people in the future and their google searches.

Chris Harrison then discusses both race and consent. I cannot even. NO MEANS NO. CONSENT IS REQUIRED.

So let’s get back to the show. The women still have the power and roses and aren’t sure who they are picking. As in they had time to think about it and there are some crappy men (cough cough Robby) and they’re not sure about giving the crappy ones the roses.

Kristina and Dean went on a roadtrip during the break in filming! This isn’t allowed! We need to have all of their relationship on camera!!

There are some established couples: Dean and Kristina, Taylor and Derek, Jasmine and Matt. Except Matt is a little unsure of committing to choking-Jasmine so soon.

Alex thinks that he is a couple with Amanda. Amanda is not feeling it. Maybe because Alex is annoying (and short) and horrible at picking up hints. Danielle steps in to tell Alex to calm down. Raven just goes to the jugular and tells him to move on. Alex still doesn’t get it. Amanda is going to give him a friendship rose. And he’s still not going to understand.

Lacey is back and now thankfully able to see through Iggy’s BS. She just really wants Daniel to come. Yup, Daniel the speedo wearing Canadian. Oh Lacey, you can dream bigger.

Derek gets a date card and picks Taylor (obviously). They spend it making out. Neither of them believe in soulmates. And go back to making out. They then go back and get it on.

Jasmine wants to get it on with Matt. But Matt wants to go to bed.

Trouble in paradise not just for them but for Dean and Kristina too! They’re not really on the same page.

Well it looks like this will be a dramatic season. LET’S DO THIS.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E2: Secret off air roadtrips

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

It’s that time of year again….

Bachelor in Paradise is back!!

Chris Harrison starts off the episode by addressing the drama that was heard around the reality television world.

The opening credits of this show will always be the best thing on tv.

Let’s meet the cast!!!

Raven is first, she’s the down home Alabama store owner who had never had an orgasm before.

Dean is next. You all know Dean. He has an odd dad and is adorable

Kristina is from Russia and was adopted.

Danielle M is a widow.

I really really liked Ben Z!

Iggy argued with people on Rachel’s season.

Jasmine asked Nick if he likes to be strangled.

Jack Stone has a last name.

Alexis still doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and shark.

DeMario has lots and lots of scandals. Including the fact he went on the Bachelorette with a girlfriend. DeMario wants to make a good second first impression. Well, we all know how this ended up. He tries to get Raven on his side.

Derek is here! Thank goodness he clarifies that he is from JoJo’s season. He looks like John Krasinski.

Alex is short. Like real short.

Corinne. She likes cheese and bouncy castles and naps and has a nanny.

We get a sidebar of Dean and Kristina being adorable together with their daddy issue.

Lacey came in a camel to Nick’s season. Thank god she clarified.

Diggy had some bomb ass bowties before he got eliminated too soon.

Penguin dude shows up in a penguin suit because he knows his branding. He was 6th place for Rachel.

Nick is next, as in Saint Nick. Once again, good job with the branding. He is into Jasmine and they get the first kiss of the season!

Amanda is a single mom and picked baseball douche Josh last year. It didn’t work out. Maybe because he’s a douche.

Taylor really likes emotional intelligence and really dislikes Corinne.

And that’s the cast!!!

We learn that Amanda tried to get on the celebrity version of Tinder and got denied because she wasn’t famous enough. The fact that she is currently on this show should have been her first hint.

According to Alex, Corinne and DeMario start their escapades into the pool 30 minutes into Bachelor in Paradise. It’s 4:30pm.

Time for Chris Harrison to talk to everyone to explain the not complicated process of the dates and roses. You don’t get a rose, you go home.

OMG JORGE IS FOLLOWING HIS DREAM AND OPENING HIS OWN TOUR COMPANY. Wells is his replacement. Like previous contestant Wells is about to just pour lots and lots of shots. I’m so proud of Jorge.

The women have the power this week and will be giving out roses.

Taylor and Derek hit it off. I guess Derek has at least a little emotional intelligence.

Kristina gets the first date card and she chooses Dean because he’s obviously the best choice.

Lacey and Iggy competing for the pair with the least amount of notoriety. Blah

Kristina and Dean get to go out to a nice dinner and there’s random confetti and a band and people screaming.

Jasmine isn’t feeling Saint Nick as much since he is kind of suuuuper drunk and it’s kind of hard to have conversations with suuuuuper drunk people. So Penguin Matt swoops in and makes out with her in the hot tub.

Awwww, Lacey’s Grandpa passed away and she has to leave. Sad 😦 Iggy lets everyone know…except he says it’s her grandma, maybe their connection wasn’t that strong.

And here is Robby. He’s…..well, full of himself. He has a date card and offers it to Raven. I hope it goes horribly. Robby is sad because he couldn’t pack his pocket squares or bow ties or whatever the hell lapel pins are. But don’t worry, he has a bathing suit for everything occasion! He gets to go jet skiing with Raven.

Ben Z breaks it down for us. He drinks beers at barbecues. Robby drinks wine spritzers on the beach.

Unfortunately Raven and Robby make out. Fortunately Raven has a cold an will probably give all her germs to Robby so maybe he’ll just go home. Don’t worry, Raven isn’t distracted by the hair and shiny teeth, she knows that if you have 12 abs something sketchy must be happening.

Somehow Jasmine is the hottest ticket on this island and both St. Nick and Penguin Matt want her rose. But he is not saved by the date card as it goes to Matt and he picks Jasmine. They get to go to a drag show! And Matt gets in drag and looks really good in a blonde wig.

It’s already rose ceremony time! There are 12 men and only 8 women.

Both Diggy and Iggy are afraid of going home and are trying really hard to get roses.

Ben Z is concerned because he left his dog at home and doesn’t want to be wasting his precious dog-less time unless it’s worth it and wants to get Raven’s rose. Robby has a shirt with sombreros on it an he’s in Mexico so he’s pretty sure he’s getting Raven’s rose. I vote the man with the dog.

It’s time. The producers take both Corinne and DeMario away and the production stops. But we won’t know what happened until tomorrow.

Bachelor in Paradise S4 E1: Sombrero shirts and lapel pins

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S ALL OVER NOW.

Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.

To remind you- we have the top three.

Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.

Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.

And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.

Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.

More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.

And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.

But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.

They wake up happy. Ugh.

Now time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs

Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.

Back to the actual show.

Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?

Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up.  They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!

Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.

Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.

FREAKING BRYAN. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦

Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.

Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.

So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.

And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.

And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring

Does anyone even enjoy Men Tell All?

It’s tied with After the Final Rose for the most boring/annoying episode of the season of The Bachelorette.

But here we are. Let’s listen to that one guy that got eliminated in the second week that won’t shut up, rehash old drama, and ask Dean how he feels now that his heart has been crushed into millions of tiny pieces on live tv.

We start with a recap of the “most memorable moments” from Men Tell All. They really aren’t important except for Chad.

Here are the randos no one remembers that are milking their five minutes of fame:

Jamey, Diggy (he has bow ties), Blake (hates Whaboom), Iggy, Anthony, Lucas WHABOOM, Fred (from camp), DeMario (Bachelor in Paradise scandal), Alex (he’s hot), Jonathan (tickle monster), Lee (racist asshole), Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam (father of AJ), and Deannnnnn.

First drama to rehash. WHABOOM vs. Blake. And we quickly move on to DeMario. Who denies that his “girlfriend” was anything besides a side chick. Whaboom backs up DeMario and says he believes him. This is a mess.

So Iggy and Josiah don’t like each other because Iggy ratted out Josiah to Rachel. This might be the most dramatic season ever because it seems like we didn’t spend any time with Rachel or thinking about her. Just stirring the pot and causing drama.

Now it’s time for the real drama. Kenny vs the biggest racist asshole ever Lee. Everyone agrees that Kenny is like a really nice dude. And Lee super sucks. Oh wait, nope, DeMario disagrees, he thinks Lee is great. Of course DeMario, of course.

We finally get someone in the hot seat- and it’s Kenny. I always liked Kenny. Kenny wants to set a good example for his daughter and not punch racist assholes named Lee on tv. And that’s why he didn’t punch Lee. Lee sort of apologizes but he still sucks.

Oh and here is a child! Kenzie is proud of her dad for trying to find love on tv. Oh and they get to go to Disneyland. That’s real nice.

Well now it’s Lee’s turn. I will not give him my time.

Now we can finally move on to Dean. His relationship with Rachel included sandcastles, bimps, and his family. Oh Dean and his family. Dean is proud of himself and his family to go through that.

Now it’s time for Rachel!! We get right to important part. It was really hard for Rachel to say goodbye to Dean. And there’s the closure. This is the weirdest paced episode ever.

Rachel lets Lee know when she watched the show she saw how much he sucked. He apologizes to Rachel.

Now it’s time for all of the guys to try and get closure with one question each. Adam wants to know why- the answer is because she felt something and didn’t want to take him all the way.

Fred goes next and it’s superrrrrrrr awkward. Fred wants to say Rachel didn’t give him a chance because he already knew her before. Kenny just wanted to remind Rachel she has his number.

The bloopers are pretty sub par except for Josiah shoving food in his face and Dean putting gum behind his ear and then eating it.

That’s it for Men Tell All- thank goodness.

Time to look at next week’s SEASON FINALE. WHO WILL RACHEL CHOOSE?!

Swarmy Bryan?

Won me over Eric?

Or OMG ❤ ❤ not ready for a proposal Peter?!

 

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring