That’s right people, it’s Fantasy Suite week on The Bachelor!
Only three women are left and the only way to determine which one you want to spend the rest of your life with is to have sex with them back to back to back in a fantasy suite approved by Chris Harrison. So let’s start this fun!
First up is dead animal lover Kendall. They get to go dune buggy-ing and sand surfing or whatever. Have I mentioned we are now in Peru that is somehow half desert and half ocean but we are somehow spending all of the time in the desert? So Kendall is a little behind the other girls because she is not yet ready to throw herself on Arie and his impending Neil Lane ring, she voices this concern but it’s okay, they can still fantasy suite. They wake up and Kendall is reaffirmed in her decision to have sex with Arie, so I guess he can’t be all that boring, and is happy with their status.
Next up is Lauren. Excuse me while I fall asleep from being so bored. They get to look at some actually super cool ruins which of course Lauren ruins by being so incredibly emotionless. They get dinner and Lauren professes her love (uhh still don’t think she’s capable of emotions) and because Arie is Arie he professes it back. It’s still incredibly boring but they get it on and wake up fulfilled.
One last fantasy suite, and if you noticed that this episode is moving a little quickly it’s because we got some hot drama coming up.
Becca and Arie get to go on a boat even though it looks really cold and cloudy. Becca is very down for immediate marriage and engagement and let’s move to boring old Arizona because this needs to happen now. Arie is down for the fact she is capable of more than the 2 words Lauren utters but doesn’t say quite so many words as Kendall. They make out lots. The second part of their date is in a tent in the middle of the desert, literally. This is the fantasy suite. FANTASY SUITE. There is no fantasy here people. You are in the middle of the desert, where is your indoor plumbing? What happens when you have to pee in the middle of the night because you’ve “spent the whole night talking” there are no bathrooms here! And then they wake up and Arie doesn’t even get to cook her breakfast like he did for the other girls because once again- MIDDLE OF DESERT.
We think everything is going peachy keen but there’s a lot of shots of Becca walking back to her hotel room slowly. And we started mentioning her ex a lot this episode. GASP.
HE’S HERE! It’s Ross! They date for 7 years and broke up last year and Ross has spent the entirety of this last year thinking about Becca but waited until she was on tv to go down to Peru to confess his love. Sorry Ross, you’re cute but Becca is saying no to you because she believes she has this in the bag. Also because you maybe could profess your love not on tv, that might add some credibility. Becca runs to Arie afterwards to confirm she is not going to dump him for the younger man with the nicer, not grey hair, and just wants to really emphasize her love for Arie, we get it honey. The random man the producers brought for the drama is not the one you want.
Time for the rose ceremony. Who will go home?!? Arie stands and sighs and then….pulls Kendall aside! This worked for her last time but unfortunately for her and her dead animals it is time for her to go packing. Adios Kendall! So that leaves boring boring Lauren and Becca who just lovesss Arie as our final two. Can’t wait to see who gets that final rose and sparkly ass Neil Lane ring next week!