The Bachelorette S13 E1: Not Whaboom, anything but Whaboom

IT’S BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Rachel is our lovely Bachelorette and as the adorable recap shows, she’s super adorable and nice and funny. So yeah, thank goodness she didn’t end up with Nick. She’s ready for love this time and brought her freaking adorable dog to quadruple the adorable factor. Let’s hope this ends well for her.

Now it’s time for the men!

We have Kenny, pro wrestler dad.

Jack Stone, who has a last name for some reason.

Alex from Michigan who is Russian and somehow ten feet tall when his parents are 5′

Mohit has a start up and belly dances

Then there’s Lucas, whose catch phrase is Whaboom, he makes me want to punch him

Blake is a trainer, he has a lot of libido #goodtoknow

Time for Rachel to get some advice…from a bunch of women that Nick dumped, including Corinne. So that makes no sense.

Now it’s what we’ve been waiting for…the limo entrances! First we have Rachel’s and omg her dress is so pretty and she’s so pretty and I’m such a big fan.

Peter is up first, he’s a business owner and goes with the Wisconsin connection (Nick was from there). Not bad

Josiah is next and he uses legal language which is now the language of love

Bryce is a firefighter and awkwardly picks up Rachel, we’ll go ahead and ignore the five guys that entered and didn’t get any screentime

STOP EVERYTHING. SOMEONE BROUGHT A BOX OF CHEESE. DONE DONE AND DONE. I FOUND MY SOULMATE, MOVE OVER RACHEL. Only problem is that we don’t even get to learn his name.

Blake E brings an entire marching band, because he is an ‘Aspiring Drummer’ keep dreaming, keep dreaming. I’m glad the Bachelor has officially made ‘Aspiring’ part of a job title, now anyone can be whatever they want! As long as they aspire hard enough.

Fred is here! Fred went to school with Rachel! He’s named Fred, is anyone even like named Fred anymore?

Next is Jonathan, he’s a Tickle Monster. Yup, as terrifying as that sounds as he makes Rachel close her eyes and then tickle gropes her. NOPE NOPE NOPE

Adam brought a little mannequin doll of himself………..?

Mike brought a brownie. I like brownies. Don’t know if I like Mike.

Whaboom not only refers to himself as Whaboom but he introduced himself by letting us know he has one testicle that’s bigger than the other. Please just send him home.

Josiah (?) steals her first and talks about how he’s a lawyer and was arrested when he was 12 and went into a program to have a good life, nice job Josiah (?) (how the heck am I supposed to know anyone’s name at this point)?!?!

So Adam Jr. is the creepy ass doll. He has champagne, and gets a French voiceover.

Oh wait, Rachel knows Fred because she was his camp counselor, and he was a bad boy in third grade. And not in a sexy way.

Spanish speaking, 37 year old, chiropractor goes in for the first kiss, and it’s a little PG13 rated, but he gets it done. FIRST KISS OF THE SEASON

The problem with the Bachelorette is all the men making all the #sportsball references all the time. Too much sportssssssssss

Whaboom, oh god I hate him. Is currently just yelling WHABOOM and shaking his face around and yelling into his megaphone. I’m annoyed I know his name already. He has his face on his shirt. Also it says WHAAABOOOOM with a lot of extra vowels so I can’t even hashtag it properly, I’m not mad about it.

Aspiring drummer challenges Whaboom if he is there for ‘the right reasons.’ How could he possibly not be there for the right reasons?! His shirt has his face on it and everything!

Kenny is a wrestler with a daugher and he got butterflies and AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Bryan, the 37 year old chiropractor that kissed her gets the first impression rose! YAY!

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony, it’s also light outside, so it’s like 18 million hours later. Now you know why Corrine took naps. Here is who gets the roses, I don’t know who any of them are: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan (uggghh tickle monster), Bryce, Alex, Kenny (adorbs wrestler with a daughter), Dean (he had a sandbox), Matt (he’s a penguin), Anthony, Brady, Josiah (he’s a lawyer too), Lee, Diggy (we have both Diggy AND Iggy, oh goodness), Fred (#campbuddies), Adam (with the creepy ass doll), Blake E (he aspires to drum), andddddddddddd it’s the final rose

And because we all know what show we’re watching, and we wouldn’t watch the show if there wasn’t drama – the final rose goes to WHABOOM #whyboom #whyyy

So that’s the group folks, Rachel’s future husband is in the bunch, hopefully it’s one of the more normal ones.

This season…..ON THE BACHELORETTE!

They go to Sweden and row a viking boat thing and there’s dogs and hot tubs (duh).  We question ‘the right reasons’ (duh). Lee is southern and likes to stir pots I guess. There’s a girlfriend! She has texts!  Crying obviously happens. At some point she walks through a deserted vineyard… but don’t worry, she’s going to be the bomb and find love. So stay tuned with me!

The Bachelorette S13 E1: Not Whaboom, anything but Whaboom

The Bachelorette Contestant Reveal!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled programming to do one of the most entertaining things ever.

JUDGE PEOPLE!

Rachel’s men have been revealed, and there’s some real winners. Here a few of my highlights.

 

Adam:

Photo published for Adam | The Bachelorette

Adam’s most romantic present ever was a threesome for his birthday. He also used LOL in his bio

Alex:

This one time Alex ate a salamander AND he’s incapable of naming three bands he likes

Blake E:

First off, thank goodness we have multiple people with the same name so we’ll have to differentiate them with their last initials. Second, he has a ‘D’ tattoo for his dog….sure…I’m sure it doesn’t mean ‘the big D.’ Unfortunately the other Blake isn’t even exciting enough to mention.

Brady:

Anddddddddddd we have our first male model. Thank goodness, I was worried we wouldn’t have any this season.

Dean:

Know what’s totally righteoussssss bro? The ‘righteous’ tattoo on Dean’s inner lip. Oh wait, no.

DeMario:

DeMario mentions Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Charlie Sheen, Denzel Washington, Beyonce, AND Jay Z in his profile. I’m sureeeeeeeeeeee he’s on the show for the right reasons and definitely doesn’t want to be famous.

Diggy:

I mean it’s not Diggy’s fault his name is Diggy.

Fred:

Has there ever been a contestant named Fred before? I feel like it’s so normal. And then he name drops Jean-Michael Basquiat as his favorite artist, whose google searches just shot through the roof.

Grant:

Grant would like to be president for a day AND owned up to pooping in a soda bottle. Good for you Grant.

Iggy:

Really? Really? We really needed to have Diggy AND Iggy on this show.

Jack Stone:

I’m sorry, but if you go by Jack Stone there’s no way you aren’t an asshole.

Jedidah:

Loves his trip to South Africa and casually throwing in their violence and HIV situation along with his love for their coffee.

Jonathan:

His occupation is Tickle Monster. #NOPE

Lucas:

His career is “Whaboom.” I’m too scarred by Tickle Monster to even google what that means.

Michael:

Played basketball in Bulgaria which is pretty cool but is like the tenth dude to mention Denzel Washington. Denzel is pretty great, but like can we have some variety here?

Milton:

He fesses up to wanting to be an actor, I’m sure all of the ‘right reasons’ guys will have no problem with that.

Peter:

This one time he thought he was abducted, turns out he just got really drunk.

 

So that’s it folks! Just a few highlights of the super high quality men that will be fighting over Rachel’s heart! Can’t wait until next week when it all starts!

The Bachelorette Contestant Reveal!

Battlestar Galactica: S1 E5 Escape!

So everybody is still really thirsty. They found the water, but it’s all frozen and someone needs to go and harvest it. The ship full of prisoners sounds like it should a good idea and lots of free labor….oh wait, nope.

Lee and various other peeps including annoying assistant Billy go to the prison ship to enlist the help of the criminals. But guess what, the criminals don’t want to help. And then guess what? They escape! Oh no, that’s not going to go well. Tom is on the prison ship, he’s a terrorist/rebel dude. He really likes democracy.

Back on Caprica, Sharon and Helo nonchalantly walk through the abandoned city wondering where everyone is…oh wait, they’re dead.

Back on Galactica, Commander Adama asks Gaius why he doesn’t have his cylon detector. It might be because he made that up. But he obviously can’t tell him that. Number 6 insists that Gaius should probably get a nuclear warhead, always good to listen to the voices in your head, especially when they want a big bomb. But supposedly Gaius only needs the plutonium so he can do #science! And the Commander gives in, so now Gaius gets a warhead all to himself.

Obviously we need a plan to go save all the nice people that are now hostages on the prison ship. And obviously we should send Starbuck, because she’s the best. Tom really just wants some democracy and for people to like vote on things. Which is a nice idea, except like all of humanity currently lives on some ships, so someone’s got to be in charge.

Of course one of Tom’s friends/fellow prisoners actually is a real prisoner so he’s actually pretty sketch and he keeps harassing Callie until he takes her away. #notgood It’s okay though, she bites his ear off and he shoots her, but she’ll be okay. And the troops are here to kill everyone!

But wait, Lee doesn’t want to kill Tom, he is also a fan of #democracy. So he’s going to make sure an election happens because electing people to lead you is good.

The problem is, can’t really re-elect the current President because you know, she has cancer, and will probably die. So that’s not very good. Maybe while Gaius makes his cylon detector he can also whip up the cure for cancer, you never know!

Battlestar Galactica: S1 E5 Escape!

Battlestar Galactica S1 E4: Water, water everywhere (by everywhere I mean now floating off in space)

Just to recap:

Cylons bad robots. Humans almost extinct. Now we’re ready!

Look, a cylon! This one is the one that doesn’t know she’s a cylon. She’s boomer/Sharon/Cylon 8. She’s also all wet. And there’s a bomb!! But it’s okay because you can just defuse bombs by pulling out one of the two wires #nobiggie She then goes to return it and OMG THERE ARE OTHER BOMBS MISSING FROM THE SUPER OFFICIAL BOMB SUITCASE.

Okay, fine, it’s time to learn everyone’s names. Thank goodness there’s a wiki for that (http://galactica.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page)

Problem is I have to avoid the spoilers, so this will be fun.

Colonel Saul Tigh (the old dude who isn’t the most important old dude) is measuring his alcohol, I assume because all of the actual worlds were blown up and this is like the last bit ever. Which is the saddest thing ever.

Lee is talking to his Dad, Admiral William Adama (the most important old dude) about how when you blow up a ship potentially full of nukes and/or innocent people it weighs on your conscience just a little.

President Laura Roslin and her assistant Billy (of course his name is Billy) land on the Galactica to tell everyone good job for not falling asleep. A ship needs some water and has to get some from the Galactica which seems like super easy and straightforward….if you were wondering where those missing bombs went we found them. Blowing up the water supply. Now we know why Sharon was wet. Ohp.

In other news Sharon tells Galen (the guy in charge of the bays (who she’s sleeping with)) about the missing bombs and says what if she is a sleeper cylon?! OMG BUT SHE IS! But she doesn’t know that, and he insists she’s wrong. Boy he’ll feel silly about that when he learns the truth.

Back on Caprica, Karl/Helo is chilling with another version of cylon Sharon and they have to figure out have to get off the planet. If only one of them was secretly a cylon.

The Admiral figures out there must be a cylon on board (gasp) and asks Gaius how his testing of everyone is going. The testing if people are a cylon or not. The testing he made up. Oops. He gets a new fun assistant! Lt. Felix Gaeta (the magic of imdb).

STARBUCK. Still confused why this show isn’t just 52 minutes of Starbuck, but whatever, I’m not bitter. She plays cards with Gaius who is just trying to hide from his new assistant buddy Felix.

Boomer/Sharon/8 goes searching for water and her scan says there’s water but she is having a hard time saying that. MAYBE BECAUSE SHE’S PROGRAMMED TO KILL ALL OF HUMANITY.

President Laura asks Lee to be her professional military dude that tells her all the military lingo and stuff. They’re #buddies

And no one dies from dehydration! Great work crew! Until next episode!

Battlestar Galactica S1 E4: Water, water everywhere (by everywhere I mean now floating off in space)