Rachel is our lovely Bachelorette and as the adorable recap shows, she’s super adorable and nice and funny. So yeah, thank goodness she didn’t end up with Nick. She’s ready for love this time and brought her freaking adorable dog to quadruple the adorable factor. Let’s hope this ends well for her.
Now it’s time for the men!
We have Kenny, pro wrestler dad.
Jack Stone, who has a last name for some reason.
Alex from Michigan who is Russian and somehow ten feet tall when his parents are 5′
Mohit has a start up and belly dances
Then there’s Lucas, whose catch phrase is Whaboom, he makes me want to punch him
Blake is a trainer, he has a lot of libido #goodtoknow
Time for Rachel to get some advice…from a bunch of women that Nick dumped, including Corinne. So that makes no sense.
Now it’s what we’ve been waiting for…the limo entrances! First we have Rachel’s and omg her dress is so pretty and she’s so pretty and I’m such a big fan.
Peter is up first, he’s a business owner and goes with the Wisconsin connection (Nick was from there). Not bad
Josiah is next and he uses legal language which is now the language of love
Bryce is a firefighter and awkwardly picks up Rachel, we’ll go ahead and ignore the five guys that entered and didn’t get any screentime
STOP EVERYTHING. SOMEONE BROUGHT A BOX OF CHEESE. DONE DONE AND DONE. I FOUND MY SOULMATE, MOVE OVER RACHEL. Only problem is that we don’t even get to learn his name.
Blake E brings an entire marching band, because he is an ‘Aspiring Drummer’ keep dreaming, keep dreaming. I’m glad the Bachelor has officially made ‘Aspiring’ part of a job title, now anyone can be whatever they want! As long as they aspire hard enough.
Fred is here! Fred went to school with Rachel! He’s named Fred, is anyone even like named Fred anymore?
Next is Jonathan, he’s a Tickle Monster. Yup, as terrifying as that sounds as he makes Rachel close her eyes and then tickle gropes her. NOPE NOPE NOPE
Adam brought a little mannequin doll of himself………..?
Mike brought a brownie. I like brownies. Don’t know if I like Mike.
Whaboom not only refers to himself as Whaboom but he introduced himself by letting us know he has one testicle that’s bigger than the other. Please just send him home.
Josiah (?) steals her first and talks about how he’s a lawyer and was arrested when he was 12 and went into a program to have a good life, nice job Josiah (?) (how the heck am I supposed to know anyone’s name at this point)?!?!
So Adam Jr. is the creepy ass doll. He has champagne, and gets a French voiceover.
Oh wait, Rachel knows Fred because she was his camp counselor, and he was a bad boy in third grade. And not in a sexy way.
Spanish speaking, 37 year old, chiropractor goes in for the first kiss, and it’s a little PG13 rated, but he gets it done. FIRST KISS OF THE SEASON
The problem with the Bachelorette is all the men making all the #sportsball references all the time. Too much sportssssssssss
Whaboom, oh god I hate him. Is currently just yelling WHABOOM and shaking his face around and yelling into his megaphone. I’m annoyed I know his name already. He has his face on his shirt. Also it says WHAAABOOOOM with a lot of extra vowels so I can’t even hashtag it properly, I’m not mad about it.
Aspiring drummer challenges Whaboom if he is there for ‘the right reasons.’ How could he possibly not be there for the right reasons?! His shirt has his face on it and everything!
Kenny is a wrestler with a daugher and he got butterflies and AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Bryan, the 37 year old chiropractor that kissed her gets the first impression rose! YAY!
Now it’s time for the rose ceremony, it’s also light outside, so it’s like 18 million hours later. Now you know why Corrine took naps. Here is who gets the roses, I don’t know who any of them are: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan (uggghh tickle monster), Bryce, Alex, Kenny (adorbs wrestler with a daughter), Dean (he had a sandbox), Matt (he’s a penguin), Anthony, Brady, Josiah (he’s a lawyer too), Lee, Diggy (we have both Diggy AND Iggy, oh goodness), Fred (#campbuddies), Adam (with the creepy ass doll), Blake E (he aspires to drum), andddddddddddd it’s the final rose
And because we all know what show we’re watching, and we wouldn’t watch the show if there wasn’t drama – the final rose goes to WHABOOM #whyboom #whyyy
So that’s the group folks, Rachel’s future husband is in the bunch, hopefully it’s one of the more normal ones.
This season…..ON THE BACHELORETTE!
They go to Sweden and row a viking boat thing and there’s dogs and hot tubs (duh). We question ‘the right reasons’ (duh). Lee is southern and likes to stir pots I guess. There’s a girlfriend! She has texts! Crying obviously happens. At some point she walks through a deserted vineyard… but don’t worry, she’s going to be the bomb and find love. So stay tuned with me!