We interrupt this regularly scheduled programming to do one of the most entertaining things ever.
JUDGE PEOPLE!
Rachel’s men have been revealed, and there’s some real winners. Here a few of my highlights.
Adam:
Adam’s most romantic present ever was a threesome for his birthday. He also used LOL in his bio
Alex:
This one time Alex ate a salamander AND he’s incapable of naming three bands he likes
Blake E:
First off, thank goodness we have multiple people with the same name so we’ll have to differentiate them with their last initials. Second, he has a ‘D’ tattoo for his dog….sure…I’m sure it doesn’t mean ‘the big D.’ Unfortunately the other Blake isn’t even exciting enough to mention.
Brady:
Anddddddddddd we have our first male model. Thank goodness, I was worried we wouldn’t have any this season.
Dean:
Know what’s totally righteoussssss bro? The ‘righteous’ tattoo on Dean’s inner lip. Oh wait, no.
DeMario:
DeMario mentions Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Charlie Sheen, Denzel Washington, Beyonce, AND Jay Z in his profile. I’m sureeeeeeeeeeee he’s on the show for the right reasons and definitely doesn’t want to be famous.
Diggy:
I mean it’s not Diggy’s fault his name is Diggy.
Fred:
Has there ever been a contestant named Fred before? I feel like it’s so normal. And then he name drops Jean-Michael Basquiat as his favorite artist, whose google searches just shot through the roof.
Grant:
Grant would like to be president for a day AND owned up to pooping in a soda bottle. Good for you Grant.
Iggy:
Really? Really? We really needed to have Diggy AND Iggy on this show.
Jack Stone:
I’m sorry, but if you go by Jack Stone there’s no way you aren’t an asshole.
Jedidah:
Loves his trip to South Africa and casually throwing in their violence and HIV situation along with his love for their coffee.
Jonathan:
His occupation is Tickle Monster. #NOPE
Lucas:
His career is “Whaboom.” I’m too scarred by Tickle Monster to even google what that means.
Michael:
Played basketball in Bulgaria which is pretty cool but is like the tenth dude to mention Denzel Washington. Denzel is pretty great, but like can we have some variety here?
Milton:
He fesses up to wanting to be an actor, I’m sure all of the ‘right reasons’ guys will have no problem with that.
Peter:
This one time he thought he was abducted, turns out he just got really drunk.
So that’s it folks! Just a few highlights of the super high quality men that will be fighting over Rachel’s heart! Can’t wait until next week when it all starts!
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