The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S ALL OVER NOW.

Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.

To remind you- we have the top three.

Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.

Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.

And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.

Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.

More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.

And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.

But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.

They wake up happy. Ugh.

Now time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs

Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.

Back to the actual show.

Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?

Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up.  They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!

Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.

Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.

FREAKING BRYAN. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦

Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.

Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.

So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.

And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.

And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!

The Bachelorette S12 E11: THE FINALE: UGH

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring

Does anyone even enjoy Men Tell All?

It’s tied with After the Final Rose for the most boring/annoying episode of the season of The Bachelorette.

But here we are. Let’s listen to that one guy that got eliminated in the second week that won’t shut up, rehash old drama, and ask Dean how he feels now that his heart has been crushed into millions of tiny pieces on live tv.

We start with a recap of the “most memorable moments” from Men Tell All. They really aren’t important except for Chad.

Here are the randos no one remembers that are milking their five minutes of fame:

Jamey, Diggy (he has bow ties), Blake (hates Whaboom), Iggy, Anthony, Lucas WHABOOM, Fred (from camp), DeMario (Bachelor in Paradise scandal), Alex (he’s hot), Jonathan (tickle monster), Lee (racist asshole), Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam (father of AJ), and Deannnnnn.

First drama to rehash. WHABOOM vs. Blake. And we quickly move on to DeMario. Who denies that his “girlfriend” was anything besides a side chick. Whaboom backs up DeMario and says he believes him. This is a mess.

So Iggy and Josiah don’t like each other because Iggy ratted out Josiah to Rachel. This might be the most dramatic season ever because it seems like we didn’t spend any time with Rachel or thinking about her. Just stirring the pot and causing drama.

Now it’s time for the real drama. Kenny vs the biggest racist asshole ever Lee. Everyone agrees that Kenny is like a really nice dude. And Lee super sucks. Oh wait, nope, DeMario disagrees, he thinks Lee is great. Of course DeMario, of course.

We finally get someone in the hot seat- and it’s Kenny. I always liked Kenny. Kenny wants to set a good example for his daughter and not punch racist assholes named Lee on tv. And that’s why he didn’t punch Lee. Lee sort of apologizes but he still sucks.

Oh and here is a child! Kenzie is proud of her dad for trying to find love on tv. Oh and they get to go to Disneyland. That’s real nice.

Well now it’s Lee’s turn. I will not give him my time.

Now we can finally move on to Dean. His relationship with Rachel included sandcastles, bimps, and his family. Oh Dean and his family. Dean is proud of himself and his family to go through that.

Now it’s time for Rachel!! We get right to important part. It was really hard for Rachel to say goodbye to Dean. And there’s the closure. This is the weirdest paced episode ever.

Rachel lets Lee know when she watched the show she saw how much he sucked. He apologizes to Rachel.

Now it’s time for all of the guys to try and get closure with one question each. Adam wants to know why- the answer is because she felt something and didn’t want to take him all the way.

Fred goes next and it’s superrrrrrrr awkward. Fred wants to say Rachel didn’t give him a chance because he already knew her before. Kenny just wanted to remind Rachel she has his number.

The bloopers are pretty sub par except for Josiah shoving food in his face and Dean putting gum behind his ear and then eating it.

That’s it for Men Tell All- thank goodness.

Time to look at next week’s SEASON FINALE. WHO WILL RACHEL CHOOSE?!

Swarmy Bryan?

Won me over Eric?

Or OMG ❤ ❤ not ready for a proposal Peter?!

 

The Bachelorette S12 E10: Men Tell All: Men Always Boring

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

There’s only three men left on The Bachelorette…that only means one thing! Chris Harrison inviting Rachel to get it on in the Fantasy Suites!

We start with everyone still in Dallas – because Rachel wants everyone to meet her family and her super preggers sister can’t travel so it’s happening right now!

Peter goes first. They go baby clothes shopping, Peter is pretty good at it.

So since they aren’t going abroad just yet, this means the men are not separated. Which means that Bryan can be a gossip whore. He’s bad mouthing Peter because Peter said he might not put a ring on it.

Peter wants Rachel to know how he feels, he means the world to her. And he finally says it. HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. SHE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM. YASSSSS.

Peter gets to meet Rachel’s family which includes her sister, Mom, Uncle, Aunt, and her Dad isn’t there because he’s off being intimidating.  Peter’s parents got married after a month and have been married for 36 years. It’s almost like fate!

Rachel talks to her hella pregger sister who is skeptical. Because remember last time Nick met her family and we all know how that ended up. Rachel talks to her mom about her doubts as well.

So Rachel’s mom goes straight for the jugular and asks Peter if he’s going to propose. And Peter still isn’t sure (goddamn Peter). And he’s not going to ask for permission to marry Rachel because he’s not sure. And her mom appreciates this. BUT I DO NOT. It was a nice family meeting but come on Peter, make a commitment. This is a show about getting married on national tv! Get with the program! (literally).

Eric is next. They look at the skyline and stuff.

Ugh Bryan and Peter talk and Bryan continues to be annoying and stirring the pot.

Back to Eric, in case he hasn’t already mentioned it 15 million times, he’s never done this before. Does this mean dating someone on reality tv? Or just meeting someone’s family? We’ll never know!! (It’s meeting someone’s family).

Eric lets everyone know he didn’t come from a typical family. And that family means a lot to him. Constance, Rachel’s sister, is a little dubious of Eric. Because remember that one time that Eric never loved anyone or met anyone’s family ever etc., etc. Eric wants a family and a wife and blah blah blah.

But Eric goes in for the kill, and asks for Rachel’s hand in marriage. She says yes but like not outright- more like if Rachel decides that she would want to pick you then you could propose.

Bryan’s turn. Ugh. He gets to have brunch with some girlfriends. Bryan doesn’t deserve bottomless mimosas. Rachel tells her friends she thought Bryan was a douchebag. RACHEL YOU ARE A SMART LADY. YOU KNOW BEST. UGH.

Time for Bryan to meet the family. Rachel’s mom isn’t stupid. She asks Bryan about his weird super clingy mom. And Bryan reluctantly ranks his future wife over his mom. Bryan then says Rachel was his girlfriend after a week. Constance isn’t hearing this BS.

The family keeps asking questions to the point that Bryan asks to be excused. If you can’t handle the heat GO HOME RIGHT NOW. Rachel’s family remind her of the fact she’s been living in a literal bubble and that maybe she needs to look at Bryan from a different perspective AKA he’s a douchebag. She’s really defensive of him.

Rachel’s mom has some red flags. It’s because Bryan is just throwing around the word love and like how it happened in 5 seconds. Remember Peter and the fact he wants more time. Like a rational person.

Bryan of course has to ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s mom says not everything can be perfect, so Bryan and Rachel can’t just skip off into the sunset. But she gives Bryan permission because she is a great mom and trusts her daughter. Rachel’s mom is the best. Bryan is not the best.

TIME TO TAKE THIS LOVE SHOW ON THE ROAD. Did you know that Spain is the perfect place to fall in love?! (By Spain I mean literally every country the finale happens in).

Here are my recaps of Rachel’s recaps of the men:

Bryan said I love you first.

Peter makes Rachel believe in the journey and doesn’t want to propose just yet

And Eric is just there.

So Eric gets to go first. Because we won’t remember his date by the end of this episode. They go on a helicopter ride. I really feel like we haven’t had that many this season. I’m feeling jipped.  The climb a mountain and ring a wish granting bell.

Now it’s nighttime….and that only means one thing…FANTASY SUITES. Rachel needs to dive deeper before she just willy-nilly gives out room keys from Chris Harrison. She makes him talk about his feelings for her. And here we go, official “I love you” from Eric! And nothing gets you a fantasy suite invite quite like some lovin’. Eric says yes because he isn’t stupid.

Time for the next morning-obvious-we-had-sex-rumpled-bed. They did it. And now we’re moving on.

BECAUSE IT’S PETER’S TURN.

They get to talk to an adorable old Spanish man about his wine cave. He sings to Rachel. It’s incredibly awkward but I love a little old man so it’s adorable. Peter lets Rachel know that he takes engagements SUPER seriously. Like he means it if they get engaged. Unlike everyone else that has ever been on this show. A random little girl interrupts this conversation so Rachel and Peter get to make out in the tub of grapes that get stomped into wine. Thank you little girl.

Peter’s family has an adorbs family tradition of saving a cork from special occasions with a memory on it and it’s so cute and imma steal this tradition. Rachel has to bring the conversation back around to the engagement. Rachel is a little more loose in her ideas of engagement while Peter, if he is going to commit, is going to commit.  COMMIT PETER.

And Peter doesn’t know how to compromise on this issue. AHHHGHHHH. NOOO NOOO. And Rachel doesn’t know what to do. Hand him the damn fantasy suite card and get on with being in love with each other forever.

Next week is Men Tell All. Urgh.

But in two weeks we get the finale where Peter better not mess things up!! If he even gets to the finale!? This might actually be the most dramatic season ever.

 

The Bachelorette S12 E9: I want to join Rachel’s family

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

Tonight, on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette……

It’s hometowns!

The first hometown is Eric and Baltimore. He’s never brought a girl home before, which would be a red flag, except that Eric said it’s because people get shot near him all the time. So valid excuse. They play basketball on Eric’s old court and meet Ralph…Eric’s A1…? Like the steak sauce? Whoever the heck Ralph is, he’s really nice and proud of Eric.

Eric’s family is really nice. The really remarkable thing is that they fit like 15 people on one couch.

 

The other thing they do is bring up Rachel being the first black Bachelorette. Eric’s Aunt Verna is pretty great. Eric is swaying me towards his side. His hometown went really well, he ends it by saying he is “really in love with this girl.” So almost saying Love but not quite. But don’t worry, because we all know there’s going to be some real drama coming up (*cough* Dean’s dad *cough* Bryan’s mom).

Up next is Miamiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Hometown of face-eating Bryan. Except I thought he was from South America? They start by playing dominoes with adorable old men. Then they get some arepas. Then Bryan has to prep Rachel for his family- meaning his mom.

Bryan’s mom is a little dubious of the process- seeing as it has been 7 weeks and all. Rachel just really wants to be liked. Bryan’s mom is a little intense and threatens to kill Rachel if Bryan isn’t happy. I don’t think this woman is joking. She also calls her son the love of her life. You know, her son, the person genetically related to her. Yupppp. But it’s okay, Bryan’s mom is a Rachel fan, because like in the end, aren’t we all hardcore Rachel fans?

Bryan knows how this show works and professes his love to Rachel. Rachel is obviously a fan of Bryan.

Time to get some cheese, and by cheese I mean Peter’s breathtaking smile in Wisconsin <3. Also it might be a sign- it was rainy and crappy in Miami and is sunny and beautiful in Wisconsin. Yupppp, it’s a sign. We’ll ignore the fact that Rachel ate arepas in Miami and had to eat pickles in Wisconsin.

Rachel first gets to meet Peter’s friends. They’re like nice, normal, Wisconsin people. They tell Peter to stop being ridiculous and commit already. Direct quote: “Don’t f*ck it up.”

Peter’s family has one intense couch. I’m pretty impressed. Rachel is more preoccupied with whether Peter is ready to propose after the cumulative 2 hours they’ve spent together this season. Rachel flat out asks Peter’s mom, she thinks Peter is ready for “commitment” which is not a proposal. Rachel is not here for a boyfriend. She is here for a husband. I’M HERE FOR THEM TO FIND LOVE TOGETHER FOREVER ALREADY.

Dean is up last in Aspen, CO. He hasn’t spoken to his father in 2 years. Nothing like The Bachelorette forcing interactions among families on national tv. First they go ATV riding so Dean can let Rachel know that if they need to literally ride away from this upcoming meeting that they can. Dean’s dad is Paramuru (Sp?) and his stepmom is Santartar (Sp?). Oh god.

Well everyone is on the floor. Which stops the nice couch streak we were on. Everyone then lays on the floor while Dean’s dad plays the gong. They get to eat some sprouted mung bean curry. I feel incredibly bad for Dean. Confronting your father on tv is never easy. I will say Rachel is incredibly understanding and probably the best person to ever bring home to your weird family.

One good thing is that Dean and Rachel’s relationship is stronger now. One bad thing is that definitely just screwed over my bracket.

Time to get back to business. Chris Harrison is here to help Rachel recap this episode so we know which men she’s going to choose. BUT I DON’T KNOW. I guess we’ll just have to wait 8 minutes to find out.

First rose goes to Bryan. Then Eric. THEN OMG OMG OMG Peter.

DEAN IS GOING HOME. I mean I knew it in my bracket but didn’t think it would happen after watching the episode wowwww.

I’m thinking she knew it wasn’t Dean in the end so she wanted to break his heart sooner rather than later. But dayummm. Poor Dean 😦

Next week:

FANTASY SUITEEEEEESSSS and Rachel’s family in Spain. Let’s do this!

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E8: Families and couches (and one floor)

The Bachelorette S13 E6: Vikings play a lot of games

OMG WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN ON THIS CLIFFHANGER TWO-ON-ONE?!? Will the racist, lying asshole Lee be sent home?! Oh wait. Yup, that’s what happens. But Kenny really really wants the last word. So much so he leaves Rachel in the helicopter so he can go rub it in Lee’s face. Not a great move dude. She doesn’t do a double elimination and keeps Kenny long enough so we can watch him call his daughter and all know what a great dad he is.

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony.

The roses go to:

Dean
Eric
Peter
Alex
Adam
Matt

Mouthy, annoying, good speller Josiah and Anthony go home.

Eric gets the first one-on-one and there’s a canal ride and a cute Danish market. For being in Denmark I really thought there would be a lot more danishes and pastries. But maybe that’s just stereotyping. I guess part of Danish things is old, naked men in hot tubs? Is that a good sign for your relationship when you get flashed by one? It seems to work for Eric and Rachel as they continue their cute date at a cool carnival with kissing and hand holding. Eric is like ready for looooooooooove and they connect on like an emotional level and he gets the rose.

Next up is the group date. Which is always the order of the dates. But for some reason Adam thinks it will be his one-on-one. Nope honey, watch the show and get with the literal program. Then go on a group date with Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, and Peter.

Time for some Viking fun! First they paddle a Viking ship with the help of some nice Danish men. Then they learn how to be actual Vikings from the new stars of the show- Tom and Morton. They know a lot of cool Viking games like “grab onto the phallic shaped wooden stick and don’t let go” and the classic “bash shields into each other like battering rams.” #muchfun! #muchmanly

There’s a Viking-off and Kenny wins and we finally get the bloody eyebrow shot that they’ve been taunting in our faces forever. How will we know that this is the most dramatic season ever without bloody eyebrow teasers?!?
For the second half of the date Rachel tries to have actual future planning with Bryan about where they’ll live etc. and they get 3 sentences in before the make out session. #Typical

Kenny wants know if Rachel will keep him because he has a daughter which is fine but he’s all whiny about it and it’s time for him to go. Thank goodness he has a bloody eyebrow and screamed at Lee on tv. But good for him.
Peter gets the group date rose #YASSSSSSSS #PETERFOREVER #PETERISTHEBEST #GIVEPETERMORESCREENTIME

The next one-on-one is with Will and they go off to Sweden. (We all get to learn some fun Nordic geography this episode). There’s more Viking games in Sweden…? Did Vikings ever not play games? I’m beginning to think Vikings raiding and pillaging villages is just an unfair stereotype. They were just some fun, game loving people.
While in Sweden they share a table with old Swedish people. It’s like the tiniest table ever and super awkward. It’s a cute date but Will isn’t kissing Rachel and it’s not happening. When they stop the background music your ass is going home.
Will tells her about how he was really physical with his ex, good thing he hasn’t been physical at all with Rachel #notgood
Yuppp and he’s going home.

But hey, there’s more!
A rose ceremony at the end of an episode?!? What a novel idea. Peter and Eric already have roses so there are only four to give out and they go to:
Bryan
Matt
Dean
Adam

Making Alex the one to go home- I literally yelled WHHHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTT. How did Adam get the last rose??! The only thing I know about Adam is that he has Adam Junior. Matt has had zero screen time and I know nothing about him. Like what is this?! Alex was hot and sexy and Russian. Rachel, you need to make better decisions.

I guess it doesn’t really matter because we’re all #teamPeter in the end.

Thank goodness there’s only one episode next week!

The Bachelorette S13 E6: Vikings play a lot of games

The Bachelorette Season 13 E5: #HittheroadJack

Well there’s two episodes this week. Which is a whole lot of the Bachelorette.

In case you didn’t remember, we didn’t even get through the entire group date or the freaking one-on-one last time. We had a cliffhanger with Kenny and Lee.

Lee like super sucks and is an asshole. And Kenny isn’t happy about that.

Bryan doesn’t like drama or anything. He just likes eating Rachel’s face.

Kenny and Lee like argue on the dock in a horrible lit location and don’t really say anything much except Kenny says he wasn’t aggressive and calls Lee a snake. Thank goodness we had a cliffhanger for that.

Bryan gets the rose. Am I spelling his name correctly? I’m just assuming it’s with a ‘Y’ because we all know what show this is.

Wait we’re back to Kenny and Lee not really fighting with each other. Kenny gives us a great quote: “whisper whisper whisper, this is not aggressive, bitch.”

It’s time for Jack Stone’s one-on-one! I have this weird feeling that this date is going to be hella boring. They go dancing. And Rachel says she feels like she’s missing something. Maybe like Jack’s personality…”

Back to Lee being an asshole. He doesn’t understand the Race Card. I understand how much I hate Lee.

Back to the most boring date ever. Jack just stares at Rachel. Rachel is not feeling it. And Jack is weird and wants to take Rachel back to Dallas so they could push all his things in a corner and just talk. Rachel has to explain to Jack why this isn’t working. Don’t worry Rachel, we know why. Rachel sends him home. #hittheroadJack And we’re not surprised.

Rachel is confident in her decisions and doesn’t need a cocktail party to hob nob with the men. Except because we’ve seen stupid previews we know that stupid ass Lee gets through tonight because he has to go on the two-on-one with Kenny. sighhhhh

The roses go to: Eric (I recognize which one he is but like don’t remember anything about him), Peter (SWOOOOOOON #fav), Adam (he has the creepy doll), Will (idk), Matt (idk, he looks like face-eating Bryan), Alex (he’s Russian!), Josiah (he won the spelling bee), Anthony (yup, got nothing), Kenny (wrestler, Lee hating, etc), and the last rose goes tooooooooooooooo Lee. Duh

So Iggy and Jonathan the Tickle Monster get the boot. #sorryboys  Jonathan tickles Rachel one last time to truly sear the image in our mind and to solidify how much we hate grown men tickling people.

It’s time to leave the country and go to Oslo, Norway!

The first one-on-one in a foreign country is with Bryan! He’s 37 and a chiropractor and when he kisses Rachel he attempts to eat her face! So suffice to say he’s at least memorable. Rachel has to make sure they have a connection beyond Bryan’s tendency to eat her face. They are going to rappel down the Olympic ski jump. HOLY CRAP people ski off of things that high?! THAT’S INSANE. They don’t die and make it down and Bryan continues to be sexy and supportive. Rachel and Bryan discuss how they used to be like real awkward before they blossomed into the sexy reality tv stars they are now. #lifeishard

Bryan is the first to say he’s falling in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. He gets the rose and they make out some more.

Time for the next date. It’s Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah AND OMG DEAN READ A LITTLE FASTER WHY DON’T YOU. I would have just had to do math because that was everybody except for Kenny and Lee because they get the damn two-on-one.

The group date is playing hand ball. #sportsball #europeansportsball Pretty sure the only reason for this date is the ridiculous wrestler-like-onesies. Which is pretty funny since the professionals all got to wear actual clothing. Because the producers love us, there is a shot of AJ creepily watching the game from the upper level. #AJFOREVERRR #creepiestdollever

Time for the second part of the date. Will is cute. I now know he played handball at summer camp. They kiss. Alex goes next, they kiss. Then Matt, who I only know who he is because he looks like Alex goes. Idk if they kiss. Rachel is feeling tonight…and then the music stops.

Yup. It’s Josiah’s turn and he knows for sure she is the woman of his dreams. A little too soon. Not feeling it.

KNOW WHO WE ARE FEELING?!? PETER. GODDAMN PETER. He is so perfect and just stopped kissing Rachel so they could have a conversation. This is a first in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. And now they’re making out in a hot tub.

Will gets the group date rose because otherwise it would be too horribly obvious that Rachel and everyone on the internet should all run away with Peter.

Time for the two-on-one. Let’s do this. They take a helicopter ride in to the middle of nowhere. Wouldn’t be a two-on-one if they didn’t go to some weird abandoned place so the loser can be left there to live in the wilderness forever. So I like Kenny, besides the fact he isn’t the racist asshole on this date, he’s nice and has a daughter and is real. He just wants to stop the drama and get back to Rachel.

It’s Lee’s turn now. Besides the fact he is a confirmed racist, he’s an ass. Lee immediately starts to talk about Kenny. He said that Kenny pulled him out of a van. Rachel is confused because she is getting two different stories. Let’s totally trust the racist asshole.

Rachel goes back to talk to Kenny after Lee said Kenny was violent. And there’s three minutes left. If only we had something like video of this moment….like if there were cameras on set…oh wait.

The episode ends with Kenny creepily laughing and walking towards Lee.

But don’t worry! There’s another episode tomorrow!!!

The Bachelorette Season 13 E5: #HittheroadJack

The Bachelorette S13 E4: Spelling is hard

Ughhh, #sportsball kept us away from Rachel’s journey for love. But now we’re back!

In case you forgot, Lee was stirring up drama about Eric. Dean sums it up pretty well- Lee is a bitch. Lee brings Rachel a literal wood block that he used his knife to like scratch up. Worst present in the entire world. She should throw it into the fire.

So Lee interrupted Kenny’s time. Kenny is mad. He confronts Lee. Loud enough that Rachel can hear them arguing. Oh no.

It’s okay. Peter and his gap tooth is here to let Rachel know he is not here for the drama <3333333333333333

Rachel is sad and overwhelmed because everyone is being stupid. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison offers to do the dirty work of sending everyone straight to the rose ceremony.

And the roses go to: Will, Dean (he’s adorbs, in a cute little puppy way), Jonathan (tickle monster), Peter (gap tooth favvvvv), Adam (where’s AJ?! I need my french creepy doll back), Bryan (he’s the 37 year old chiropractor), Matt (idk?), Josiah (he’s a dude), Jack Stone (all I know about him is that his name is Jack Stone #jackstone), Iggy (he likes to complain), Kenny (yells at Lee, wrestles).

And of course the last darn rose goes to Lee.

So we send home Diggy and his super-fly glasses AND bowtie (damnit!!), Bryce, and this other dude.

Now it’s time to go to Hilton Head! (if only we could have a damn rose ceremony at the end of a rose ceremony where it belongs).

First up is Dean and his one-on-one date! Everyone is super surprised that they didn’t somehow all also get one-on-ones. No one understands how this show works.

The one-on-one is on a blimp! Good thing Dean is terrified of heights/blimps. Don’t worry Dean, it’s not like it’s going to go up in flames like that US Open blimp last week….oh wait.

Of course the blimp flies by the guys and advertises that Rachel and Dean are inside. And somehow they all extrapolate that Dean and Rachel are having a good time. Do they all have crazy good vision and can see inside blimps? How do they know?

The group date is: Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, JOanthan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah

Which gives Jack Stone the one-on-one. Still don’t know anything about Jack Stone besides the fact that we get to know his full name. Stone, Jack Stone.

Time for the sob stories. Dean’s mom died of breast cancer 😦 It was an actual sad and touching story so of course adorbs Dean gets the rose. If only there was a weird concert with someone no one has ever heard of to make this night super perfect. OH WAIT.

The group date is ON A BOAT ANDDD THEY’RE GOING FAST ANDDDD THEY GOT THEIR NAUTICAL THEMED PASHMINA AFGHANSSS. Okay, no pashminas, but there is a really awkward dance battle.

We learn that Josiah’s middle name is Daniel. Fun. And Kenny freestyles. And then Peter freestyles. And we all die of second hand embarrassment.

Next is a…SPELLING BEE! In the least surprising news ever, the guys aren’t very good at spelling.

ADAM JUNIOR IS AT THE SPELLING BEE. ADAM JUNIORRRRRR.

They get to spell coitus- Peter spells it with a Q. Oh goodness.

Josiah wins the spelling bee with his masterful spelling of ‘polyamorous.’ Congrats dude. He calls the trophy a ‘goblet’ and drinks out of it. Super classy Josiah.

Then it’s time for the second half of the date where of course we gotta have drama. Iggy stirs the pot by tattling on how much he hates everyone and Lee remains super horrible. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny yelled at him. So Rachel goes to talk to Kenny and Kenny is sorry.

Kenny is mad. Lee sucks. Kenny knows Lee sucks. Lee is a reptilian piece of garbage. Kenny is done with Lee. And wants to punch Lee.

AND OF COURSE WE CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS SO WE GET ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER AND NO ROSE CEREMONY.

Ugh. Next week we have two episodes where we will see if Jack Stone is anything besides his name and if the bloody Kenny is all just a set up (I have this weird feeling it is). There is a two-on-one! It looks like Kenny might pull a Chad in the woods. We’ll just have to wait and see.

The Bachelorette S13 E4: Spelling is hard