It’s that time of year again….
Bachelor in Paradise is back!!
Chris Harrison starts off the episode by addressing the drama that was heard around the reality television world.
The opening credits of this show will always be the best thing on tv.
Let’s meet the cast!!!
Raven is first, she’s the down home Alabama store owner who had never had an orgasm before.
Dean is next. You all know Dean. He has an odd dad and is adorable
Kristina is from Russia and was adopted.
Danielle M is a widow.
I really really liked Ben Z!
Iggy argued with people on Rachel’s season.
Jasmine asked Nick if he likes to be strangled.
Jack Stone has a last name.
Alexis still doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and shark.
DeMario has lots and lots of scandals. Including the fact he went on the Bachelorette with a girlfriend. DeMario wants to make a good second first impression. Well, we all know how this ended up. He tries to get Raven on his side.
Derek is here! Thank goodness he clarifies that he is from JoJo’s season. He looks like John Krasinski.
Alex is short. Like real short.
Corinne. She likes cheese and bouncy castles and naps and has a nanny.
We get a sidebar of Dean and Kristina being adorable together with their daddy issue.
Lacey came in a camel to Nick’s season. Thank god she clarified.
Diggy had some bomb ass bowties before he got eliminated too soon.
Penguin dude shows up in a penguin suit because he knows his branding. He was 6th place for Rachel.
Nick is next, as in Saint Nick. Once again, good job with the branding. He is into Jasmine and they get the first kiss of the season!
Amanda is a single mom and picked baseball douche Josh last year. It didn’t work out. Maybe because he’s a douche.
Taylor really likes emotional intelligence and really dislikes Corinne.
And that’s the cast!!!
We learn that Amanda tried to get on the celebrity version of Tinder and got denied because she wasn’t famous enough. The fact that she is currently on this show should have been her first hint.
According to Alex, Corinne and DeMario start their escapades into the pool 30 minutes into Bachelor in Paradise. It’s 4:30pm.
Time for Chris Harrison to talk to everyone to explain the not complicated process of the dates and roses. You don’t get a rose, you go home.
OMG JORGE IS FOLLOWING HIS DREAM AND OPENING HIS OWN TOUR COMPANY. Wells is his replacement. Like previous contestant Wells is about to just pour lots and lots of shots. I’m so proud of Jorge.
The women have the power this week and will be giving out roses.
Taylor and Derek hit it off. I guess Derek has at least a little emotional intelligence.
Kristina gets the first date card and she chooses Dean because he’s obviously the best choice.
Lacey and Iggy competing for the pair with the least amount of notoriety. Blah
Kristina and Dean get to go out to a nice dinner and there’s random confetti and a band and people screaming.
Jasmine isn’t feeling Saint Nick as much since he is kind of suuuuper drunk and it’s kind of hard to have conversations with suuuuuper drunk people. So Penguin Matt swoops in and makes out with her in the hot tub.
Awwww, Lacey’s Grandpa passed away and she has to leave. Sad 😦 Iggy lets everyone know…except he says it’s her grandma, maybe their connection wasn’t that strong.
And here is Robby. He’s…..well, full of himself. He has a date card and offers it to Raven. I hope it goes horribly. Robby is sad because he couldn’t pack his pocket squares or bow ties or whatever the hell lapel pins are. But don’t worry, he has a bathing suit for everything occasion! He gets to go jet skiing with Raven.
Ben Z breaks it down for us. He drinks beers at barbecues. Robby drinks wine spritzers on the beach.
Unfortunately Raven and Robby make out. Fortunately Raven has a cold an will probably give all her germs to Robby so maybe he’ll just go home. Don’t worry, Raven isn’t distracted by the hair and shiny teeth, she knows that if you have 12 abs something sketchy must be happening.
Somehow Jasmine is the hottest ticket on this island and both St. Nick and Penguin Matt want her rose. But he is not saved by the date card as it goes to Matt and he picks Jasmine. They get to go to a drag show! And Matt gets in drag and looks really good in a blonde wig.
It’s already rose ceremony time! There are 12 men and only 8 women.
Both Diggy and Iggy are afraid of going home and are trying really hard to get roses.
Ben Z is concerned because he left his dog at home and doesn’t want to be wasting his precious dog-less time unless it’s worth it and wants to get Raven’s rose. Robby has a shirt with sombreros on it an he’s in Mexico so he’s pretty sure he’s getting Raven’s rose. I vote the man with the dog.
It’s time. The producers take both Corinne and DeMario away and the production stops. But we won’t know what happened until tomorrow.