THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S ALL OVER NOW.
Time to recap what happened on the season finale of The Bachelorette.
To remind you- we have the top three.
Eric- who is pretty cool and from Baltimore and never really brought a girl home.
Bryan- who is swarmy and kisses Rachel by eating her entire face and his mom is very possessive.
And Peter <3333- he’s perfect and gap toothed but not sure if he’s ready to get engaged yet because that is a big deal to him (and to most people who aren’t on reality tv). And that’s where we left off, because Rachel is ready to have a ring on her finger and Peter is hesitating.
Here’s a fun twist! For the next three hours of Bachelorette fun, Rachel will be watching live with Chris Harrison (and #BachelorNation). It just seems awkward since she hasn’t seen this episode and oh wait, is going to have some sexy times on tv. But do it for the ratings I guess.
More importantly- back to Peter! He is just so realistic and rational and maybe doesn’t want to commit to forever after knowing someone on tv for 8 weeks. Peter is glad that Rachel is having emotions with him. Meaning crying. I’ll take it. And she gives him the fantasy suite card and Peter accepts.
And boy do they wake up happy. Peter makes her some eggs and lays in bed shirtless. It’s great.
But now it’s time for stupid Bryan’s date. They ride horses through the vineyard and Bryan is getting some awkward vibes from Rachel. Because you know, she’s preoccupied by how great Peter’s date was. But don’t worry, Bryan gets his fantasy suite so he can finally eat Rachel’s face in private.
They wake up happy. Ugh.
Now time for the rose ceremony.
The first rose goes to Bryan. And the second rose goes to………PETER. YASSSSSSSSSSSSs
Eric takes the rejection really well and is a gentleman that will always love Rachel. And now because this is the stupidest formatting ever, we get to see Eric and Rachel together for the first time since the break up on live tv! In the least surprising news ever, it’s incredibly awkward! Eric lets Rachel know he used to be a boy and is now a man. He also grew a beard. Good for you Eric.
Back to the actual show.
Bryan and Rachel get to ride a hot air balloon. And then Bryan makes Rachel a Spanish cheat sheet for the future…? So romantic…?
Now it’s finally Peter’s turn and he better not mess this up. They get to explore a monastery- which is like real pretty, but monks don’t really make you feel sexy. Monks do let you know marriage is for realzzz. Peter can see a future with Rachel- a future with football and wine night painting. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that? Sign me up!
Rachel is still feeling doubts because she wants a ring and a fiance at the end of this. Peter is not ready to ask Rachel to marry him. He only wants to do this once. Which I get Peter, but like goddamn just lie and get engaged and just have a long engagement. Now everyone is crying. And Peter doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to propose. And he will sacrifice his beliefs to do it. And Rachel doesn’t want him to. BUT AGHHG.
Peter tells Rachel that she can go off and have a “mediocre life” which DAYUMMM Peter. I mean you’re great but not that great. And I guess with Bryan it will be mediocre. And he’s leaving. This is the end. Except we get one more makeout session? This is now just confusing and freaking Bryan is all who is left.
FREAKING BRYAN. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
They make Rachel and Peter confront each other on live tv and I’m sad. 😦
Peter apologizes for saying that Rachel would have a mediocre life without him. And she says she’s “living her best life.” Rachel, honey, I am a fan. You are not living your best life, you are engaged to Bryan. It’s just sad for Peter and I’m sad.
Well now there’s only one person left. And poor Neil Lane only gets 15 seconds of screen time.
So here we go. Bryan’s proposal is fine. He’s in love. Rachel starts by saying she’s hella confused. And Bryan is too perfect (blech). And she sees her forever in him.
And he proposes. So here we go. I am unhappy. Rachel is lying to herself by saying she’s happy with Bryan. You got the ring that you wanted Rachel, so let’s see how long this lasts.
And so ends this season of the Bachelorette! Bachelor in Paradise starts in 2 weeks. We’ll see how dramatic it truly is!