The Bachelor S22 E5: Krystal clear drama

Let’s see if the drama on this week’s The Bachelor is Krystal clear. (#spoiler, it is).

They’re in Fort Lauderdale this week. Home of all the retirees in America. Chelsea gets the first one-on-one. If you remember she got the first rose ever, so that’s a pattern. She’s a mom, and wants to make sure that Arie knows her as more than a mom.

Since these are women, they all need to trash talk Chelsea while she’s gone. They don’t understand how they are not all somehow on the one-on-one (basic math is hard). BUT OMG MAQUEL IS BACK. And that’s sarcastic, because none of them are happy, because she’s competition and dead grandparents don’t mean you get to skate by. And because the producers are the best, they make sure that the yacht Arie and Chelsea are on floats by the suite. And they all get to see the really odd jet ski make out session. I just don’t even understand how they managed to both get on it, with Chelsea being backwards, and not fall into the sea.

So Arie thinks Chelsea is really mysterious. I do not understand this. She is not mysterious at all. She was young and an older man was interested in her and then they separated after she had her child. I’m not saying it’s the best sob story, but not bad Chelsea.

The group date is: Maquel, Krystal, Becca, Bekah, Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Lauren. So Tia gets the other one-on-one.

Chelsea unsurprisingly gets the rose and……a private concert. How sweet.

The group date starts with Arie licking a bowling ball. WHYYYYYYYYYY. NOOOOO. To make this incredibly lame bowling date more exciting, Arie makes it a bowling competition. Krystal prays to her dogs to grant her team a win. And I guess it works because her team is slaughtering the other girls. And Krystal with her godlike dogs rubs her win in everyone’s faces, and because everyone already hates Krystal, they aren’t very happy. But it doesn’t matter because Arie then invites everyone to the after party.

DAMNIT PRODUCERS. So on the bus back from bowling Krystal supposedly went insane and said Arie was a liar, because he wasn’t going to invite the losing team but then changed his mind and did. Krystal wants to be included in decisions with her future partner, decisions like if they should invite 9 other girls to their dates. Krystal is sitting this one out, and not going to the second part of the date…sureeee, she’s definitely not going to make an entrance later on.

Arie sits down and literally says “we’re all here” and then one of the five blondes who I do not know, immediately calls out and informs Arie that no, they are not all there. To Arie’s credit he is able to name Krystal as the missing one. And because he’s concerned he goes to check on her. So her evil plan just worked.

So Krystal feels her emotions for Arie and they are deep and raw. And Arie is not okay with Krystal running away from her problems by hiding in a robe. Arie wants Krystal to stay upstairs and he’s going to go downstairs and have a good time, goshdarnit!

Now Arie has to pretend to care about the girls that are not Bekah or Krystal. He nods along very well when they talk. Bekah gets to pretty much sit on top of Arie and then make out with Arie. Arie is having doubts about Bekah but Bekah then questions would it really be a relationship if there weren’t doubts, and then they make out.

OH WAITTTTTTTTTT. This is the Krystal clear drama we’re all here for. Because nobody puts Krystal in a hotel room, and she is coming to that party whether Arie tells her to or not. Krystal needs to tell the girls that her feelings were really hurt today and that she had an intense conversation with Arie. Krystal doesn’t want to be attacked so she’s not going to defend herself. Bekah just straight calls out Krystal, because Krystal said she wasn’t coming, and then came, so does that make her a liar, just like Arie?!

Time to go back to Arie’s one-on-one time with Lauren, who wastes it asking for Arie’s favorite color (blue) and sharing that hers is burgundy. We also learn his breakfast preferences. It’s awkward af. But Arie digs that and she gets the group date rose because Krystal crawls back to her room before Arie returns.

Tia gets to go to the swamp. Such fun. They see an alligator and a turtle and meet Darrell. Darrell lives in a house in the middle of the swamp and eats some fried catfish. To fit with the theme, Tia explains how she used to spear frogs in ditches on the side of the road. The second part of their date is at, and I direct quote, “an old nautical antique place.” Tia is glad that Arie is embracing her despite the fact she stabs frogs and once lived in a small town and went to college for 7 years just to get a doctorate in physical therapy. Tia wants to know if there is a higher power leading Arie, I think by higher power she doesn’t mean Krystal’s dogs. Faith is very important to Tia, and Arie tip toes around that question. Tia does get to admit she is falling in love with Arie. And she is the first to declare her “falling for you” in a too short amount of time. And of course she gets the rose. And to further the stupid “pillow lips,” “kissing bandit” Arie, she even says she’s been waiting for him to push her against something. BLECH

Rose ceremony timeeeeeeee!

So Krystal is here, and she makes it clear that she was not hiding in her room, she was investing in herself.

We have more fun question because we have girls who cannot have conversations. Kendall’s question involves if Arie would eat people, Kendall definitely would.

Krystal needs to talk to the girls, she needed to process, she would love to chat privately, because she will not be attacked after spending so much time investing in herself. Kendall takes her up on the offer, she does not try to eat Krystal, she just wants to protect Arie. Bekah just wants to know why Krystal is still here. Bekah, it’s reality tv, we all know why Krystal is still here. Bekah points out that Krystal is a weeeee bit self centered. A lot of the girls there don’t operate at Krystal’s level and she’s not lowering herself to their level, but she is throwing glitter. I don’t even know.

Krystal knows how to work it and tells Arie that she feels emotionally invested in Arie. Krystal grew up in a bowling alley (such a weird coincidence) and her mom dated a lot of guys so she has trust issues. Krystal does trust Arie and he’s kind of not having it, because her voice is annoying and she grew up in a bowling alley.

Rose ceremony time! Tia, Chelsea, and Lauren already have roses.

Bekah (you know who she is, she’s 12 (plus 10)), Seinne (she went to Yale), Kendall (eats people), Becca K (went on the first one-on-one), Jacqueline (I got nothing), Jenna (Arie likes blondes)

And the final rose goes tooooooooooooo Krystal, we knew this would happen people, she’s great drama and great tv.

So Marikh (idk), Maquel (RIP grandpa), and Ashley (idk) go home.

Krystal had so much courage to come to the cocktail ceremony, but she did it. And now she’s a threat.

Next week!

They go to Paris, which is an actual romantic place. Krystal is still here and she is wife material.

The Bachelor S22 E5: Krystal clear drama

The Bachelor S22 E4: Worms and really young people

This week on The Bachelor!

We have now established that there is a 14 year age difference between Arie and Bekah. She’s a child. So child Bekah and the rest of the 14 women get to go to Lake Tahoe for their first trip. That means lots of outdoors and nature. Definitely not my scene, so I am officially not Arie’s soulmate #insideforever.

Seinne gets the first one-on-one in the new location. They get to go parasailing, and it’s so weird but all the girls have binoculars and can see them doing it. Such a weird coincidenceeeee! After parasailing they get a cute picnic on the beach. I like Seinne, but she’s too good for this show/Arie.

Maquel is allowed to make a phone call, so you know something is up. Her grandfather died 😦  so she’s going home, but might be allowed back.

The group date is everyone but baby Bekah. Which of course everyone but baby Bekah is annoyed because she’s a baby.

Seinne and Arie have an actual sort of real conversation while talking about their pasts and past loves. It’s a good conversation because Seinne is a real person, Arie on the other hand doesn’t really carry his weight, unsurprisingly. Because she’s so great she gets the rose. And they get a concert by LANCO, who apparently warrant all caps.

The group date is in the forest. Ew. They start by peeing into canisters. And Arie pretends to drink his, but doesn’t. Then they eat worms for real. WHY?! Kendall really likes dead stuffed things, so this nature is her environment. She’s really feeling. Krystal on the other hand wants to just stuff all the other girls when they’re dead because she killed the competition.

They then divide up into three groups to traverse the forest. Only one group has Arie, the other ones are very very lost. Krystal would be fine if they all died in the forest, because they are all juvenile and beneath her and not worth her time.

Thankfully the night part of the date has no worms or pee. Lauren wants to know what Arie is looking for in a woman, besides a flexible schedule. Because that’s a great priority to have when looking for your future wife. Kendall had a really great time today because she likes bugs and making out with Arie and outside.

Krystal is having a hard time because she’s being ostracized, it’s true because no one likes her. And like she is having a hard time and wouldn’t be here if she didn’t like Arie. Guess what Krystal, I don’t like you either.

Krystal decides to talk to Tia (Arkansas) and Caroline (idk) about her problem. Krystal’s feelings are hurt. Tia isn’t having this and calls Krystal out. Because Krystal is being ridiculous.

Tia goes to talk to Arie but isn’t going to trash talk Krystal, she just wants to make sure they’re feeling the same thing because she’s there for him, not for stupid people named Krystal. She gets the group rose for being so honest. Krystal is not okay with it, but is she okay with anyone that is not her?

Time for Bekah’s date. Bekah is so much more deep than the women Arie has dated in the past, I’m so concerned for these women in the past. They get to ride horses through the forest and then of course there is a hot tub. Arie tells a fun story about a truck named Black Widow and it’s really boring but Bekah pretends to care really well.

Bekah is incapable of wearing her faux fur correctly, but it’s time for the second half of the date anyway. They have a lot of chemistry, we know this, because Arie says it. Arie wants to make sure Bekah is ready for marriage. Bekah is not, because Bekah finally tells us she’s 22. And that’s real young. Arie thank goodness also thinks that is real young. Arie is an old man now and doesn’t want to go through all this crap of finding love on tv and then have it not work out with baby Bekah. He is 36 and she’s 22 and he doesn’t want some young girlfriend, he’s ready to be old and boring and married, since he’s already old and boring. But let’s remember this is a reality tv show, so he can’t possibly send her home, we need this drama, and Bekah gets the rose.

Cocktail party time!

Krystal just really wants to dive past the drama…sure.

Just kidding! No cocktail party! Arie is not messing around, he knows whose butt he is sending home.

To recap- Maquel went home to her grandfather’s funeral, Seinne, Tia, and Bekah have roses.

The rest go to………………..

Oh jk, Krystal needs a quick moment of Arie’s time. She really just needs to solidify the other girls’ hatred of her, it’s working. Krystal decides to whisper to Arie about how strong their relationship is and that she’s not there for games. It was rather pointless.

Now back to the actual roses:

Kendall (she likes dead, stuffed animals), Lauren (she’s the only Lauren left), Ashley (I have no idea), Becca K (she’s not 22), Chelsea (she has a kid), Jenna (Arie likes blondes), Jacqueline (not a blonde), Marikh (she owns a restaurant), anddddddddd Krystal (duh, we like the drama)

So bye bye to Brittanie and Caroline, they handle it very well.

Next week we address how Krystal might be going insane! Yay!


The Bachelor S22 E4: Worms and really young people

The Bachelor S22 E3: Scarring childhood memories

Time for week three of Arie’s quest for love on The Bachelor! Chris Harrison starts out by letting us know there are two group dates and only one one-on-one this week, so more of a classic set-up than last week’s meet everyone’s parents on the first date version.

The first group date is GLOB! Glamorous Ladies of (the) Bachelor! And obviously none of these ladies have seen the Netflix show GLOW (that we are totally inspired by in a non copyright infringement kind of way) because when their actual GLOW alumni wrestlers show up to teach them a thing or two they all cry. Well like half of them. Because the real wrestlers are tough and wrestling is not a “sport” for crybabies! Bibiana gets very upset as her mom does know how to spell and the other brunette girl whose name I do not know but doesn’t like violence also cries. They get over it because #funcostumes!

In the least surprising news of the day, Bekah is the “Sex Kitten,” and Krystal is the “Cougar.” I would have loved to see a cat fight but we get some pretty great wrestling. Shout outs to Maquel for being a great sport as the lunch lady and Bibiana for not actually injuring anyone in her rage as the Bridezilla.

During the evening portion we learn something we all already knew. No one likes Krystal. But Krystal doesn’t need female friends because they’re all just jealous of her and don’t understand her connections with men. SUREEEEEEEEEEEE

But the group date goes to Bekah who really does love making out with Arie. If only we could address the missing age (spoiler, seems like we’ll address it next week! #youngenoughtobehisteenagepregnancydaughter).

The one-on-one is next with Lauren S. Not to be confused with Lauren B, who is also blonde. Lauren S is really excited and I’ve never seen her before, coupled with the fact she’s shown lugging her giant suitcase down the stairs and we know she’s a gonner. This is solidified by the lack of background music during their Napa Valley wine date (That looks super fun) and then even more solidified as Arie is seen eating on camera during dinner. That never happens. We learn that Lauren S talks a lot and likes her family and that Arie is horrible at break ups. Bye bye Lauren! (only one Lauren left, which props to Lauren B for sticking it out).

The other group date is up next, and it’s going to be “ruff!” Can their be anything more adorable than playing with dogs in the park? Oh wait, Anneliese, the same girl that was once traumatized by bumper cars, also had a scarring experience with a dog when she was younger. Her parents rudely dropped her off at her grandparents’ house and it was scary and the dog barked. Truly terrifying. She gets over it and is assigned the job of pooper scooper in the Bachelor production of random dog tricks that don’t work. It was so much of a fail that it’s really just edited over.

During the second part of the date Anneliese is like super stressing (even though all the adorable puppies are gone). The other girls worry less and make out more, with Chelsea getting the other group date rose. She compares being with the dogs with being with her child…okay.

Cocktail party time! We have some girls that are really worried that their connections are not on the same level as the girls that consistently make out with Arie all the time. Bibiana’s strategy is to set up a telescope because she loves stars and cabanas (?) unfortunately the producers have a sense of humor and literally let everyone else use it first.

Anneliese decides to be direct, as much as she can be, and squirrels Arie away to the tower to ask if she can kiss him. He says no. This man has literally made out with everyone else like ten times and is known as the “Kissing Bandit,” him saying no to making out with you should be the ten millionth red flag that it’s not working out honey. She of course goes and cries to the other girls who fan the flames and eagerly watch the train wreck as Anneliese goes back to confront Arie and see if she should stay. Short answer is no. So she heads on out right away. Hopefully no one else in this cast is deathly afraid of everyday occurrences like dogs and cars.

Time for the rose ceremony! Bekah and Chelsea have the group date roses. The rest go to:

Lauren (the only one left!! Superior Lauren!)
Becca K

Anddddddddddd Bibiana goes home. Probably because she got all her anger and aggression out in a healthy way during the GLOB match.

Next time!

We go to Tahoe where it snows and Arie makes out with people in the snow. And supposedly we address the fact that Bekah is five years old. Yay!

The Bachelor S22 E3: Scarring childhood memories

The Bachelor S22 E2: LADIES SMASH (cars)

Time for the Bachelor!

It’s been so long that I don’t even remember the girls’ names I bothered to learn!

Arie is like really excited about all the women (or at least Chris Harrison says he is).

Becca K gets the first one-on-one! She’s a brunette, and that’s all the info I know so far. She gets to ride a motorcycle with Arie to a TBD destination. She is a publicist. And supposedly the date is “all about her,” even though Arie knows nothing about her. And it involves Rachel Zoe picking out clothes for her. And then she gets shoes. And then a Neil Lane man in a suit gives them diamonds. And then Becca says the girls are right, Arie does have “pillow lips.” EW NOPE

Becca has to go back to the mansion to change/so all the girls can be insanely jealous about all the free sparkly things she just got.

They then get to go to dinner where we learn that Arie can fix people’s brakes. I don’t think that’s an innuendo.

Group date: Krystal. OH WAIT JK. It’s a one-on-one! Not expecting this!

Time for the first sob story of the season. Becca K’s dad had brain cancer. He died 😦 But now she’s close to her mom. She gets to keep the clothes and the shoes and the random earrings and there was a random confetti explosion after she got the rose. What a great date.

Krystal’s date is next. The mysterious date card mentioned “home is where the heart is.” And they get to go to Arie’s hometown in Scottsdale, AZ. Arie worked at Pizza Hut when he was 16. They go to his high school (thank goodness for 4 seconds) and then to Arie’s actual house. They watch some home movies that Arie is very embarrassed of and we learn that baby Arie was blonde.

And then they go meet Arie’s entire family. On their first date. Okayyyyyy, let’s slow this down. Arie’s parents are nice, his dad has less gray than Arie and his mom has a lot more botox.

The group date is: Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valeria, Annelise, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Carolina, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea (#sorrynotsorryforspellingmistakes #haveyourmammalearnhowtospell)

Back to Krystal’s date, now that she has met everyone that Arie is vaguely related to, it’s time for dinner. Too bad Krystal doesn’t really have a family. Her parents divorced and her dad left and her mom was unemotional and she had to raise her little brother. And then her little brother was homeless. Which is actually sad, but Krystal this is a little much. They also get the first private concert from some random dude. So much emotion in this date. Wow. Much feeling. She obvi got the rose. Yay for her and her incredibly annoying voice.

The girls try to grill Krystal about how her date went and she won’t reveal the deets because she met everyone ever related to Arie and the cutest dog ever.

The group date is a demolition derby where the girls get to decorate their cars and smash them. Annaliese’s worst nightmare is demolition derby…? She once had a scarring bumper car experience (how is this even a thing?) – Arie comforts her and I roll my eyes.

Time for the derby. Confused how this isn’t a giant liability nightmare. It is incredibly entertaining. Sienne comes out the winner. Brittany is the loser as she can’t even go to the cocktail portion because she isn’t feeling well. There’s your lawsuit.

At cocktails, Chelsea steals Arie first (again) and the girls are not okay. But she has to tell Arie about the other man in her life……her son. Sienne went to Yale, I did not, which is why I don’t know how to spell her name.

Bibiana wants to talk to Arie, but doesn’t want to go last. And is not having this. Ageless Bekah gets to kiss the pillow lips for like 5 minutes and we have to watch. The group date rose goes to Seinne, after Arie fakes us out with Chelsea. Yay Seinne!

Cocktail party time!

Brittany missed the second half of the group date due to her injury (that must be real because if she was faking she’d have gone to that date) and Arie gives her a “Most Hardcore” Award. Back to 5-year-old Bekah and making out. We get it. They like to make out.

Krystal wants to steal Arie again because she wants to solidify things even though she has a rose, and that is a bachelor No-no. And Bibiana knows this and she is about to pop off. Krystal is not threatened by any of the dumb, taxidermy collecting competition.

Bibiana finally gets her moment JK! Krystal is back! And taking more of Arie’s time. Bibiana is now ready to kill someone. She is done with Krystal and her stealing time because everyone is angry and Bibiana is just the voice. #literalmicdrop #shesaidthat

Rose ceremony time!

Becca K., Krystal, and Seinne already have roses. The other roses go to:

Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah (5 year old), Jenna, Chelsea (mysterious (not), has kid), Lauren S., Tia (Arkansas), Annelise (scared of bumper cars), Lauren B., Kendall (taxidermy), Ashley, Marikh, Caroline

And the final rose goes to: Bibiana. Because we love drama on this show.

So bye bye to Jenny (who I only know because she kept freaking out during the ceremony), Valerie (I hate her hair), and some other girl.

OH WAIT JENNY IS WALKING OUT WITHOUT A HUG. And Arie walks out to talk to her and she denies his hug again. Damnnnnnnnn girl.

Next week:

The girls do wrestling (I’m scared) (but I’ll tune in)!

The Bachelor S22 E2: LADIES SMASH (cars)

The Bachelor: S22 E1 Premiere: Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, and one more Lauren

It’s the best day of the year! (also the first so it’s a really low bar) The premiere of the Bachelor! Let’s get ready for a season full of Arie and the ladies vying for his heart!

Let’s revisit Arie’s first journey on the Bachelorette (five million years ago). He had a really solid relationship with Emily that involved lots of kissing and sexual tension. But Emily sent him home, not even at a rose ceremony but on a sad bench. And then after the season Arie tried to get Emily to read his journal (a little creepy) and she didn’t. But don’t worry, I’m sure one of the ladies on this season somehow got a copy of it so we should be ready for that.

Arie has moved on from #sportscarracedriving and now is in real estate. So exciting. Sean and Catherine (the pretty much only successful couple from this show) give him some advice and Arie says he’s ready to settle down and find love on tv. So let’s see how this works for him.

Let’s meet the ladies!

Chelsea is a single mom, she talks a lot about how being a mom is hard and it’s a love/hate thing and doesn’t seem very warm and fuzzy about it.

Caroline is also in real estate so like they’ll have that connection. Photographer lady is ready for love and I assume takes great selfies. Misha sky dove this one time and has a real career! She’s a nurse! She loves gun shot wounds! Tia is from Arkansas and obviously trying to be this season’s Raven. So much so that she talks to Raven. There’s also a taxidermy girl. Because why not. There’s Bekah who is a nanny with a pixie cut, bold choice.  A girl owns an Indian restaurant and I need to know all the recipes. Coach Crystal-Krystal-Kristql is a trainer and also volunteers for the homeless so now everyone looks really crappy in comparison to her.

It’s time for the ladies to meet Arie. I can only hope we get some ridiculous intros.

Caroline the other realtor is up first and they already have so much in common since they both know how houses work.

I don’t even know what happened with Chelsea, I think she’s maybe on drugs?

Sienne is the first with a gift and she gives Arie elephant cuff links because she likes elephants and that was a normal and cute way to be memorable. I am a fan.

Tia just gave Arie a little weiner because she’s from Weiner, AR. I can’t. NOPE.

There’s a sports reporter lady that attempts to bean Arie in the balls with a ball. Thank goodness he’s a racecar driver and has super great reflexes.

Krystal has a red dress on with a butt ruffle and makes Arie close his eyes so they can focus on a positive future…?

Bekah, the ageless nanny, drives up in a classic car. The internet revealed she’s 21, so Arie could totally be her teenage father, and that’s not even a stretch.

I think Jenna is already drunk and her eyebrows are arched a little bit toooooo much.

Jessica gave Arie a rock. Yup. It was a fail.

Rebecca Jill aka one of the Beccas had Arie fake propose to her.

Lauren S. is here. Oh wait, and so is Lauren J. and Lauren B. and Lauren G. Thank you producers for this moment.

A girl showed up in a fast car thing. I obviously am not Arie’s soulmate because I know nothing about cars. Everyone is really jealous.

Cocktail party time! Chelsea goes in for the kill first. I’m pretty sure she’s on drugs or something. She’s like real mysterious. And also took a class on real estate.

Maquel the girl that showed up in the race car steals Arie away and Chelsea is not okay with that.

Some other ladies talk to him, they’re a bit more coherent than Chelsea.

Brittany challenges Arie to a race with children’s electric cars and wagers a kiss if she wins and she pulls ahead in the end (because Arie gave up) and gets that first kiss. But then tells all the girls about it, which is not a good move.

A girl brings him pizza. Another one makes him close his eyes, then feeds him pineapple, has him guess that and then shares that pineapple is her safe word. Yupppppp

Jenna gives Arie a foot massage. And is possibly on speed.

Annalise aka Kissing Bandit finally reveals her face and she isn’t a deformed Phantom of the Opera and I’m a little mad about that.

So Chelsea talked to Arie first and has decided that was bad move so it’s time to make some waves and try to talk to him again. Which is NOT OKAY. And it’s even more not okay when she goes in for the kiss with tongue.

Okay damnit. Bekah asks Arie for three things that make him excited to be alive. And Arie is stupid and says excitement makes him excited, but damn it that a great conversation starter and it’s cute. But Bekah is like 12 so this isn’t going to work out. Let’s cut it off now.


Here are the roses: (excuse all misspelled names because I can’t deal with all the spelling variations)

Becca K. (proposal girl) gets the first one!


Krstyal (she helps homeless people)

Bekah (ugh)

Lauren S., Sienne, Caroline, Brittane T., Bibiana, Annalise (kissing bandit), Jenna (she likes feet), Valerie (I am not a fan of the yellow dress with fake red hair combo), Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia

AND IT’S THE LAST ROSE PEOPLE. And it goes to Maquel. So only 50% of the Laurens get to stay.

Well holy crap it’s super bright outside when the “night” ends.

The ladies go home include Jessica whose dad is dead and one time met Arie, Amber the spray tanning salon owner, and half the Laurens. So the remaining ladies must be a good bunch.

Time to be teased for what is going to happen in the most DRAMATIC SEASON EVER:

They go to Paris, lots of making out happens, Chelsea is annoying, Bekah is young, everyone cries.

AND YASSSSSS a disgruntled ex! It’s going to be good. So buckle up, put on your safety helmet, do other race car things, and get ready for the ride!

The Bachelor: S22 E1 Premiere: Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, and one more Lauren

The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

Off to London! Tea! Scones! British people!

So there are only 10 guys left. Let’s see if I can name them all:

Arie, Jef, Sean, Chris, Doug, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro…….and two others! Oh, guy that I thought was Charlie is one of them, and Wolf is the last one. Five of them haven’t had a one-on-one date, and there are two one-on-one dates this week.

Sean gets the first one! They get a double-decker bus tour. And Sean says it! I think it’s the first time of the season, he’s falling for her!! They also take a selfie with a digital camera before selfies even were a thing, can always count on this show to start the next biggest trend.

So we don’t like Kalon, that’s established. Kalon makes a super great comment on how if you win that every date will be a group date because of Ricki. Which of course isn’t a great way to look at it, and is wrong. But whatever.

Sean and Emily have a great and adorable time. They get to tour London and then have dinner in the Tower of London where Sean is a “prisoner of love.”

The group date is: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon. So Jef gets that other one-on-one

Emily and Sean end their date with a rose and a make out on top of the Tower of London because medieval torture turns everyone on.

The group date goes to the birthplace of Shakespeare where they will perform Romeo and Juliet. But first they have to audition. Arie hates acting. Which is good, because we don’t want him acting out his feelings, we want him to be genuine. Arie gets to be the nurse, he does not really get Shakespeare, or what he’s saying. But he tries…points for trying…?  He gets to wear tight as the nurse. Oh Arie.nurse.jpg

At the cocktail portion of the date Chris is speaking with Kaylon and says that Emily has a lot of baggage. Doug confronts him about it, and Kaylon will not “retract” the statement, he called Ricki baggage. So it’s not just hearsay. It’s legit. Wellll wow Kaylon you suck. Doug tells Emily about it because #singleparentssticktogether.

Emily wants to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Which is like an almost direct Chad quote. Huh, never noticed how similar Chad and Emily are.giphy (1)

Emily and Doug go back to confront Kaylon and Emily does not want to hear it. And she tells Kaylon to get the f*** out.  Emily is not here for this BS. And she is disappointed that none of the men told her about it, which like isn’t really their faults because we don’t like snitches on this show. But Emily is not down for that and no one gets a rose on the date. OH SNAP.

Jef and Emily go to afternoon tea for their date. But it’s not just any tea, it’s some proper English tea and an etiquette lesson. They run away and go to a pub. Jef brings up the Kaylon drama and how if Ricki is baggage then she’s a Chloe handbag (I don’t understand that reference, should be a sign to say no to Jef). They then drink some tea in the London eye and Jef promises to never lie to her, which is a big promise. They could dance all night long in Utah and be the bestest friends ever, blech. He obviously gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Emily is still disappointed in everyone, and lets Arie know that. Arie doesn’t want to spend his time with Emily talking about other people (that’s rational). Emily is still miffed. Honey, you need to get over this.

Sean and Jef already have roses, the next ones go to:


She is definitely punishing him for not telling her about Kaylon, and is obviously most upset about him because she likes Arie the best. Ugh.

Arie gets the last rose, duh. So bye bye to Alejandro who had 2 minutes of total screen time.

They’re going to Croatia next, and this was in 2012 so that was back before it was cool. So let’s get ready for that drama!

The Bachelorette S8 E5: Doth Arie the Actor in tights

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat

OMG there’s a two-on-one this episode. YASSSSSSSs.

Remember how we were staying in Charlotte for Ricki, well we should probably start a worldwide trip in Bermuda right now, because Ricki doesn’t need to go to school or anything. Education is secondary to reality tv fame.

Doug, the only remaining single father gets the first one-on-one.

Sidebar, Alejandro is “one of the only guys to not get a one-on-one,” honey you need some screentime to even be considered, also there’s like literally 10 people who haven’t had one either. Do better.

Doug is like nervous about his date man. So the other dudes decide to push his buttons. It’s just a bunch of dudes having some fun you know, bro.


As Arie points out, Doug is a little like the Hulk. #Dougangry #Dougsmash #greatscreenshotofthefuturebachelor

Doug and Emily get to go shopping. We learn that Doug is a single dad AND started a charity, what that charity is we do not know.

The group date is: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kaylon

So everyone except for generic blonde dude, long haired dude, Alejandro the only ethnic dude, and brown hair dude are going on the group. So two of those four go on that two-on-one.

Emily is worried that Doug is “too perfect” and when she presses him for his flaws, he says he spends too much time with his son. And maybe didn’t wash his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. He asks Emily and her flaws include being stubborn and wearing pajamas all day -gasp- even in public! He gets the rose. He doesn’t want to kiss Emily because this one time his grandpa said don’t kiss a girl unless she lets you know she wants one. Which is great for consent. Not great because Doug is a little dense and not going to make the first move. We’ll see how this works for him in the long run (spoiler, it doesn’t work well).

The group date gets to go on a classic privileged white man date- sailing! To make it even more testosterone filled it’s going to be a race and the winning team gets more time with Emily.

John “Wolf” and Nate are the two-on-one. I think they’re literally only having a two-on-one so they could use the Bermuda Triangle. I literally have no idea who Nate is. And if John didn’t have such a stupid nickname I’d know nothing about him.

So sailing involves lots of cranking…?

Arie’s team was behind first and then they were ahead and this is so intense…not. Arie’s team wins the alone time with Emily.  So that obviously means there is an entire boat of sore losers. Charlie cries in the car ride home? Why?

So the winning team was Ryan, Kaylon, Arie, and Jef. So half douchebags and half top two. Ryan starts by toasting to Emily the trophy wife. Point made.

Arie uses his alone time to let Emily know that he missed her. And to make out.

Jef uses his alone time to let Emily know that he “likes her.” Like likes her? Because he’s 14 and in high school. Emily wants him to open up, and we get no background music. And it’s awkward because he doesn’t kiss her. Probably because he thinks she has cooties.

Ryan is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. What? I can’t even. He then compliments her butt and likes that she goes to the gym. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” Okay Ryan. Go home. It gets better, Ryan doesn’t like how Emily was kissing Arie at the rose ceremony and decides to tell her that.

Jef gets the group date rose, ugh. And then there are fireworks.

The two-on-one is Nate and John. I can’t definitely say this is the lamest two-on-one of all time. But definitely in the top three. I literally know nothing about Nate. There’s not even any drama.

Facts about Nate:

  • He’s 25
  • He’s blonde
  • He had a breakup
  • He’s on Season 8 of the Bachelorette

This is by far the most congenial two-on-one ever. They toast to each other and no one is screaming or storming off or being left in the Badlands. After cliff diving they get to have dinner in a soggy cave.

OH GOD. OH GOD. Nate just asked if this is quinoa. But he pronounced it as Quinn- no- ah.  Instead of \ ˈkēn-ˌwä , kē-ˈnō-ə \ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Back to more facts about Nate. He has parents, and a brother, and friends. He cries about missing his family. Oh Nate.

John talks about how he doesn’t like to have all the attention and wants to get to know Emily more. John gets the rose because he appears to have an actual personality. Nate gets to go home to his family and quinoa.

So to address my doubts about Ricki’s education we get to see that she is studying. Fine, school is tied with reality tv in importance.

Cocktail party time. Ryan is a smooth talking annoying misogynist. No one likes him. And it’s up to Arie to save the day and interrupt their one-on-one time. Emily can see her and Arie sitting on a front porch just chilling. Awww

Ryan is totally here for Emily, but like it this were to not work out, he could totally see himself as the next Bachelor. UGH ICK NO

Sean gets to talk to Emily and even though they haven’t had a one-on-one they are feeling each other.

Chris is hurt that the other dudes think he’s real young (he’s 25) and not ready. Other dudes being Doug. So Chris is going to confront Doug about it. He’s being a “grown ass man” about it. That really proves he’s mature.

Time for the roses! Doug, Jef, and John already have roses this week. And there are 7 roses, so that will be 10 guys staying.

Sidebar: wayyyyyyyyyy too many necklaces Emily, I know you’re in Bermuda but that doesn’t mean you need every damn seashell hanging around your neck.

And the roses go toooooooooo:

  • Sean (future Bachelor)
  • Arie (duh)
  • Travis (I really thought that was Charlie)
  • Chris (he’s so mature)
  • Ryan (no one likes you)
  • Kaylon (was the bad guy before Ryan started talking about trophy wives)
  • Alejandro (wasn’t expecting that)

So the real Charlie and the dude with the ponytail (Michael) are going home. Boi bye.

Pip pip cheerio they’re off to London next week! There’s some drama brewing in England with Ricki so let’s hope it comes to a boil (#badteahumor).

The Bachelorette S8 E4: Arie on a boat