The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??

This week, on The Bachelorette….

There are six dudes left.

Bryan- the 37 year old chiropractor that eats Rachel’s face

Peter- <33333333

Eric- he’s the last black guy

Adam- he has a creepy ass doll #AJforever

Matt- he’s a crappier version of Alex #RIPAlex

and Dean, baby face, actual baby Dean.

So there’s no rose ceremony this week- just 3 one-on-ones and one three-on-one.  Rachel is just mixing things up!

Bryan gets the first one-on-one. He is a front runner with Peter. But since he’s not Peter I don’t like him that much. They drive a fancy car and go to a fancy watch store because #swiss. She pulls a Corinne and buys Bryan’s love with a watch. They have a very nice time and Bryan continues to fail at kissing.

Dean gets the next one-on-one. Adam is mad he hasn’t had one, because like he has never talked to Rachel and isn’t sure he wants to bring her home since they like don’t talk. That is a rational thought Adam. Good for you.

We finally get to learn some info about Bryan- he had an earring. He likes school girl uniforms. Bryan had a girlfriend on a beach. It didn’t work out. But don’t worry, he’s getting a rose and Rachel’s getting to meet his family.

Dean and Rachel are going to church! A Catholic church! In French! Yupppp. After church they get to wander around. Dean is concerned because he has an awkward family dynamic. Remember that one time we didn’t get to meet famous #sportsball player Aaron Rodgers? How could Dean’s family be worse than that. Rachel wants Dean to open up and Dean goes with asking about the tooth fairy and dinosaurs. I love me some dinosaurs, but not the time or place honey.

The last one-on-one goes to Peter. YAY.

Eric is not an idiot and realizes the three one-on-ones are the top three and that the three losers on the silly three-on-one are tied for last.

Dean manages to get past his pension for dinosaurs and owns up to Rachel that his family isn’t ideal. After his mom died, his dad got a little eccentric, and he’s honest and adorable. Which makes everything much less awkward so he gets the rose. Still not going to win, but good try Dean.

It’s time for Peter’s date. GET READY FOR THE LOVEEEE. They go in a helicopter and then a dog sled. Sorry I can’t hear you over how perfect they are together. Peter is having some doubts because he’s a rational person and doesn’t actually enjoy dating someone who is dating 15 other people. Peter remains adorable and insists that everyone will love Rachel.

Okay Peter, let’s stop for a moment. Your sob story isn’t really a sob story. This one time you drove away from someone you broke up with amicably.  Get over it.

But let’s get back on the Peter train because he’s getting a rose (obviously). <3333

Time for the three-on-one. Literally no one knows who these guys even are. They at least get to go to France. Which coincidentally is AJ’s hometown. Everyone is obviously gunning for the rose. Everyone should obviously go home. They all say hokey things- blah blah blah.

Rachel begins to cry and tells Matt he reminds her of herself…? She needed an excuse to send him home and just sends him packing mid way through the date. He at least takes his champagne on his long car ride home. Now that’s an exit.

Time for this horrible date to continue.

Adam literally doesn’t understand how this show works because he thinks he has a deep connection with Rachel. That would require them to speak to each other. He gets like really intense in discussing his family and his love for Rachel and it’s wayyyyyy too much.

Eric talks about how he grew up in Baltimore and it was tough. And how he used being positive to grow. It’s an actual backstory with actual reasons why he hasn’t ever brought anyone home.

It is time to give out the rose. I really think Rachel should just skip the rose. She gives it out to Eric. Not a shocker.

Bye Adam, bye AJ, the best creepy ass doll that ever existed. Adam doesn’t want Rachel to have any regrets. Don’t worry Adam, she never knew who you were, she has no regrets.

Coming up:

Rachel is in a vineyard/desert place…? She makes out with a lot of people. There is some family drama and by some I mean a lot. And Dean was being nice when he said his dad is eccentric. OH BOY. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

The Bachelorette Recap S13 E7: Top 3 and those other dudes. Really, who are Matt, Adam, and Eric??

The Bachelorette S13 E6: Vikings play a lot of games

OMG WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN ON THIS CLIFFHANGER TWO-ON-ONE?!? Will the racist, lying asshole Lee be sent home?! Oh wait. Yup, that’s what happens. But Kenny really really wants the last word. So much so he leaves Rachel in the helicopter so he can go rub it in Lee’s face. Not a great move dude. She doesn’t do a double elimination and keeps Kenny long enough so we can watch him call his daughter and all know what a great dad he is.

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony.

The roses go to:

Dean
Eric
Peter
Alex
Adam
Matt

Mouthy, annoying, good speller Josiah and Anthony go home.

Eric gets the first one-on-one and there’s a canal ride and a cute Danish market. For being in Denmark I really thought there would be a lot more danishes and pastries. But maybe that’s just stereotyping. I guess part of Danish things is old, naked men in hot tubs? Is that a good sign for your relationship when you get flashed by one? It seems to work for Eric and Rachel as they continue their cute date at a cool carnival with kissing and hand holding. Eric is like ready for looooooooooove and they connect on like an emotional level and he gets the rose.

Next up is the group date. Which is always the order of the dates. But for some reason Adam thinks it will be his one-on-one. Nope honey, watch the show and get with the literal program. Then go on a group date with Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, and Peter.

Time for some Viking fun! First they paddle a Viking ship with the help of some nice Danish men. Then they learn how to be actual Vikings from the new stars of the show- Tom and Morton. They know a lot of cool Viking games like “grab onto the phallic shaped wooden stick and don’t let go” and the classic “bash shields into each other like battering rams.” #muchfun! #muchmanly

There’s a Viking-off and Kenny wins and we finally get the bloody eyebrow shot that they’ve been taunting in our faces forever. How will we know that this is the most dramatic season ever without bloody eyebrow teasers?!?
For the second half of the date Rachel tries to have actual future planning with Bryan about where they’ll live etc. and they get 3 sentences in before the make out session. #Typical

Kenny wants know if Rachel will keep him because he has a daughter which is fine but he’s all whiny about it and it’s time for him to go. Thank goodness he has a bloody eyebrow and screamed at Lee on tv. But good for him.
Peter gets the group date rose #YASSSSSSSS #PETERFOREVER #PETERISTHEBEST #GIVEPETERMORESCREENTIME

The next one-on-one is with Will and they go off to Sweden. (We all get to learn some fun Nordic geography this episode). There’s more Viking games in Sweden…? Did Vikings ever not play games? I’m beginning to think Vikings raiding and pillaging villages is just an unfair stereotype. They were just some fun, game loving people.
While in Sweden they share a table with old Swedish people. It’s like the tiniest table ever and super awkward. It’s a cute date but Will isn’t kissing Rachel and it’s not happening. When they stop the background music your ass is going home.
Will tells her about how he was really physical with his ex, good thing he hasn’t been physical at all with Rachel #notgood
Yuppp and he’s going home.

But hey, there’s more!
A rose ceremony at the end of an episode?!? What a novel idea. Peter and Eric already have roses so there are only four to give out and they go to:
Bryan
Matt
Dean
Adam

Making Alex the one to go home- I literally yelled WHHHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTT. How did Adam get the last rose??! The only thing I know about Adam is that he has Adam Junior. Matt has had zero screen time and I know nothing about him. Like what is this?! Alex was hot and sexy and Russian. Rachel, you need to make better decisions.

I guess it doesn’t really matter because we’re all #teamPeter in the end.

Thank goodness there’s only one episode next week!

The Bachelorette S13 E6: Vikings play a lot of games

The Bachelorette Season 13 E5: #HittheroadJack

Well there’s two episodes this week. Which is a whole lot of the Bachelorette.

In case you didn’t remember, we didn’t even get through the entire group date or the freaking one-on-one last time. We had a cliffhanger with Kenny and Lee.

Lee like super sucks and is an asshole. And Kenny isn’t happy about that.

Bryan doesn’t like drama or anything. He just likes eating Rachel’s face.

Kenny and Lee like argue on the dock in a horrible lit location and don’t really say anything much except Kenny says he wasn’t aggressive and calls Lee a snake. Thank goodness we had a cliffhanger for that.

Bryan gets the rose. Am I spelling his name correctly? I’m just assuming it’s with a ‘Y’ because we all know what show this is.

Wait we’re back to Kenny and Lee not really fighting with each other. Kenny gives us a great quote: “whisper whisper whisper, this is not aggressive, bitch.”

It’s time for Jack Stone’s one-on-one! I have this weird feeling that this date is going to be hella boring. They go dancing. And Rachel says she feels like she’s missing something. Maybe like Jack’s personality…”

Back to Lee being an asshole. He doesn’t understand the Race Card. I understand how much I hate Lee.

Back to the most boring date ever. Jack just stares at Rachel. Rachel is not feeling it. And Jack is weird and wants to take Rachel back to Dallas so they could push all his things in a corner and just talk. Rachel has to explain to Jack why this isn’t working. Don’t worry Rachel, we know why. Rachel sends him home. #hittheroadJack And we’re not surprised.

Rachel is confident in her decisions and doesn’t need a cocktail party to hob nob with the men. Except because we’ve seen stupid previews we know that stupid ass Lee gets through tonight because he has to go on the two-on-one with Kenny. sighhhhh

The roses go to: Eric (I recognize which one he is but like don’t remember anything about him), Peter (SWOOOOOOON #fav), Adam (he has the creepy doll), Will (idk), Matt (idk, he looks like face-eating Bryan), Alex (he’s Russian!), Josiah (he won the spelling bee), Anthony (yup, got nothing), Kenny (wrestler, Lee hating, etc), and the last rose goes tooooooooooooooo Lee. Duh

So Iggy and Jonathan the Tickle Monster get the boot. #sorryboys  Jonathan tickles Rachel one last time to truly sear the image in our mind and to solidify how much we hate grown men tickling people.

It’s time to leave the country and go to Oslo, Norway!

The first one-on-one in a foreign country is with Bryan! He’s 37 and a chiropractor and when he kisses Rachel he attempts to eat her face! So suffice to say he’s at least memorable. Rachel has to make sure they have a connection beyond Bryan’s tendency to eat her face. They are going to rappel down the Olympic ski jump. HOLY CRAP people ski off of things that high?! THAT’S INSANE. They don’t die and make it down and Bryan continues to be sexy and supportive. Rachel and Bryan discuss how they used to be like real awkward before they blossomed into the sexy reality tv stars they are now. #lifeishard

Bryan is the first to say he’s falling in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. He gets the rose and they make out some more.

Time for the next date. It’s Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah AND OMG DEAN READ A LITTLE FASTER WHY DON’T YOU. I would have just had to do math because that was everybody except for Kenny and Lee because they get the damn two-on-one.

The group date is playing hand ball. #sportsball #europeansportsball Pretty sure the only reason for this date is the ridiculous wrestler-like-onesies. Which is pretty funny since the professionals all got to wear actual clothing. Because the producers love us, there is a shot of AJ creepily watching the game from the upper level. #AJFOREVERRR #creepiestdollever

Time for the second part of the date. Will is cute. I now know he played handball at summer camp. They kiss. Alex goes next, they kiss. Then Matt, who I only know who he is because he looks like Alex goes. Idk if they kiss. Rachel is feeling tonight…and then the music stops.

Yup. It’s Josiah’s turn and he knows for sure she is the woman of his dreams. A little too soon. Not feeling it.

KNOW WHO WE ARE FEELING?!? PETER. GODDAMN PETER. He is so perfect and just stopped kissing Rachel so they could have a conversation. This is a first in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. And now they’re making out in a hot tub.

Will gets the group date rose because otherwise it would be too horribly obvious that Rachel and everyone on the internet should all run away with Peter.

Time for the two-on-one. Let’s do this. They take a helicopter ride in to the middle of nowhere. Wouldn’t be a two-on-one if they didn’t go to some weird abandoned place so the loser can be left there to live in the wilderness forever. So I like Kenny, besides the fact he isn’t the racist asshole on this date, he’s nice and has a daughter and is real. He just wants to stop the drama and get back to Rachel.

It’s Lee’s turn now. Besides the fact he is a confirmed racist, he’s an ass. Lee immediately starts to talk about Kenny. He said that Kenny pulled him out of a van. Rachel is confused because she is getting two different stories. Let’s totally trust the racist asshole.

Rachel goes back to talk to Kenny after Lee said Kenny was violent. And there’s three minutes left. If only we had something like video of this moment….like if there were cameras on set…oh wait.

The episode ends with Kenny creepily laughing and walking towards Lee.

But don’t worry! There’s another episode tomorrow!!!

The Bachelorette Season 13 E5: #HittheroadJack

The Bachelorette S13 E4: Spelling is hard

Ughhh, #sportsball kept us away from Rachel’s journey for love. But now we’re back!

In case you forgot, Lee was stirring up drama about Eric. Dean sums it up pretty well- Lee is a bitch. Lee brings Rachel a literal wood block that he used his knife to like scratch up. Worst present in the entire world. She should throw it into the fire.

So Lee interrupted Kenny’s time. Kenny is mad. He confronts Lee. Loud enough that Rachel can hear them arguing. Oh no.

It’s okay. Peter and his gap tooth is here to let Rachel know he is not here for the drama <3333333333333333

Rachel is sad and overwhelmed because everyone is being stupid. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison offers to do the dirty work of sending everyone straight to the rose ceremony.

And the roses go to: Will, Dean (he’s adorbs, in a cute little puppy way), Jonathan (tickle monster), Peter (gap tooth favvvvv), Adam (where’s AJ?! I need my french creepy doll back), Bryan (he’s the 37 year old chiropractor), Matt (idk?), Josiah (he’s a dude), Jack Stone (all I know about him is that his name is Jack Stone #jackstone), Iggy (he likes to complain), Kenny (yells at Lee, wrestles).

And of course the last darn rose goes to Lee.

So we send home Diggy and his super-fly glasses AND bowtie (damnit!!), Bryce, and this other dude.

Now it’s time to go to Hilton Head! (if only we could have a damn rose ceremony at the end of a rose ceremony where it belongs).

First up is Dean and his one-on-one date! Everyone is super surprised that they didn’t somehow all also get one-on-ones. No one understands how this show works.

The one-on-one is on a blimp! Good thing Dean is terrified of heights/blimps. Don’t worry Dean, it’s not like it’s going to go up in flames like that US Open blimp last week….oh wait.

Of course the blimp flies by the guys and advertises that Rachel and Dean are inside. And somehow they all extrapolate that Dean and Rachel are having a good time. Do they all have crazy good vision and can see inside blimps? How do they know?

The group date is: Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, JOanthan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah

Which gives Jack Stone the one-on-one. Still don’t know anything about Jack Stone besides the fact that we get to know his full name. Stone, Jack Stone.

Time for the sob stories. Dean’s mom died of breast cancer 😦 It was an actual sad and touching story so of course adorbs Dean gets the rose. If only there was a weird concert with someone no one has ever heard of to make this night super perfect. OH WAIT.

The group date is ON A BOAT ANDDD THEY’RE GOING FAST ANDDDD THEY GOT THEIR NAUTICAL THEMED PASHMINA AFGHANSSS. Okay, no pashminas, but there is a really awkward dance battle.

We learn that Josiah’s middle name is Daniel. Fun. And Kenny freestyles. And then Peter freestyles. And we all die of second hand embarrassment.

Next is a…SPELLING BEE! In the least surprising news ever, the guys aren’t very good at spelling.

ADAM JUNIOR IS AT THE SPELLING BEE. ADAM JUNIORRRRRR.

They get to spell coitus- Peter spells it with a Q. Oh goodness.

Josiah wins the spelling bee with his masterful spelling of ‘polyamorous.’ Congrats dude. He calls the trophy a ‘goblet’ and drinks out of it. Super classy Josiah.

Then it’s time for the second half of the date where of course we gotta have drama. Iggy stirs the pot by tattling on how much he hates everyone and Lee remains super horrible. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny yelled at him. So Rachel goes to talk to Kenny and Kenny is sorry.

Kenny is mad. Lee sucks. Kenny knows Lee sucks. Lee is a reptilian piece of garbage. Kenny is done with Lee. And wants to punch Lee.

AND OF COURSE WE CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS SO WE GET ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER AND NO ROSE CEREMONY.

Ugh. Next week we have two episodes where we will see if Jack Stone is anything besides his name and if the bloody Kenny is all just a set up (I have this weird feeling it is). There is a two-on-one! It looks like Kenny might pull a Chad in the woods. We’ll just have to wait and see.

The Bachelorette S13 E4: Spelling is hard

The Bachelorette S13 E3: This is bananas and literal horse sh*t

Hey remember that ridiculously stupid cliffhanger last week with DeMario coming back and all the men deciding to beat him up on the driveway?!

Let’s pick it up from there!

DeMario is here and not taking no for an answer and likes cliches like how you can’t have happiness without like pain or sadness or whatever. Rachel is not here for it because she needs someone who can handle being confronted and sends his ass home. #YOUGOGIRL

All the dudes are totes down with Rachel not being a pushover, which they should be because she’s the best.

For some reason, Jonathan, self proclaimed  Tickle Monster, brings giant hands to the rose ceremony. Because, why not…? The three drama free minutes were filled with giant hands, mini basketballs, and a rubix cube…now back to #whaboom

Whaboom says that Blake stands over him while he sleeps and eats a banana. Except this can’t possibly be true because Blake doesn’t eat carbs. BANANAS ARE CARBS?!? WHAT SINCE WHEN? WHAT IS THIS?! Also send his ass home, he doesn’t eat carbs!!

Rose timeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Ryan the 37 year old chiropractor gets the first rose, then Bryce (no idea who he is), Eric (nope don’t know yet either), Anthony (he has a nice shiny head), Will (he played mini basketball 5 seconds ago), Jonathan (Tickle monster), Jack Stone (I only know because his last name is ridiculous), Matt (he was on screen once), Alex (rubix cube dude), Adam (owner of Adam Jr, the creepy as doll), Kenny (The best), Brady (yupppp still not happening), Lee (the racist tweet one!), Iggy (he’s the only Asian), Fred (#campbuddy)

And the final rose goes tooooooooooo: Diggy (omg I didn’t realize he and his glasses hadn’t gotten a rose yet and I’m so relieved!!)

This means both WHABOOM and his arch banana nemesis are going home! They are both bitter and it is the weirdest most scripted thing ever. I’m glad they are both gone.

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred get the first group date. And they get to go to Ellen!! Ellen says the tickle monster is creepy, Ellen knows best. Ellen makes them take off their shirts and dance in the audience. AND DAYUMMMMMMM there are some abs. Not so much with the dance ability. They then play Never Have I Ever and we learn a lot about Alex and his honesty. Poor Fred keeps getting pigeonholed in his camp past and is ready to move on from being 5.

In the night part of the date the guys are being real smooothhh. Now it’s Fred’s turn and he goes with asking Rachel if he can kiss her…which isn’t very smooth. Oh Fred. But he goes in and kisses her. He’s happy about it, but Rachel is not. She is looking for a man GODDAMNIT. And she’s getting little boy vibes from Fred…she’s not feeling the same way so she’s sending him home. Just not a love match for Fred 😦

Alex and his honesty (and abs) get the rose!

Anthony and his shiny head have the one-on-one this week. They are riding horses on Rodeo Drive. Ha. Ha. They then ride their horses into a store to get some boots. And horse cupcakes. And jackets. And the horse poops in the store. Not at all a sign.

The next group date is: Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric- I swear I haven’t seen half of these men before and don’t know who they are. Do they like hide under the floorboards and pop out for the dates and rose ceremonies?

Back to Anthony- he gets the rose, I don’t know why, he was kind of bland, like that sad horse cupcake.

There’s some weird, confusing drama between Eric and Iggy that is just nonsensical and involves Eric yelling things.

It’s time for the group date and Rachel brings her own group- we have Alexis, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis- I guess they weren’t allowed to go home between the premiere and this date and have just been waiting around. They all get in a party bus and the drama starts. Bryce and Lee both tell Raven that they don’t think Eric is here for the #rightreasons. They go mud wrestling. And it’s just a little bit unfair since oh wait, Kenny is a literal professional wrestler. He like back flips the other dudes multiple times in these fancy wrestling moves that I don’t understand because #sports

Bryce wins because otherwise this would be rigged? Still don’t understand #sports

The guys get to literally hose down while the ladies chat. The ladies express their approval of Dean, who is still adorable. And then they disapprove of Eric.

Kenny, who is still in my top three used to be a Chippendale and showcases his dancing skills and well, he rips off his wife-beater. And yup.

Eric wants to know how Rachel feels and she tells him she wants to get to know him. And also people have been talking about him and doubting his motives. She also calls out that Lee and Bryce said that. And we all know that won’t end well.

Eric goes to confront them and Lee asks if Eric has ever felt love. These men are not the best arguers or conversationalists. They don’t make sense a lot. It warps into Eric asking if they are afraid of him. And Lee pointing and clicking his tongue.

The group date rose goes to Eric. Poo poo. Bring back the horse sh*t.

Rose ceremony time, but I have this sinking suspicion that there might be a damn cliffhanger. In other news Rachel literally can do no wrong in her ballgowns because OMG I love each one more than the next.

Iggy decides to take his one-on-one time with Rachel to talk about Eric. Iggy, have you ever watched this show? Don’t spend your time talking about someone else. And Iggy then goes to tell Eric that he spent his time with Rachel talking about him.

Lee also spends his time talking about Eric. But we know that Lee is a racist asshole. So whatever Lee, waste your time. So then we gotta go back and talk to Eric about how everyone is talking about him saying he’s not genuine. And Rachel isn’t here for games and isn’t afraid to take the rose back.

Eric then decides to gather everyone around to call them all out together. He then curses them all out while telling them to focus on Rachel while yelling at them for talking about him.

AND GUESS WHAT

IT IS TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDDDDD #ugh

Next week:

Lee remains an asshole.

The Bachelorette S13 E3: This is bananas and literal horse sh*t

The Bachelorette S13 E2: Adorbs dudes and more adorbs puppies

Sorry for the delay, but I say it every year, three day weekends are for going out and doing things, not for tv!

So Rachel is the most adorable person ever with the most ADORABLE FLUFFY DOG EVER!

A minute 1:56 into the episode Chris Harrison pulls out the words of the show ‘right reasons’ I feel like it might be a sign (and all the marketing that there’s a secret girlfriend) that someone might not be here to find true love on tv.

Time for the first group date of the season! We get: Dean, Jack, Jonathan (Tickle Monster), Blake, Iggy, Kenny #TEAMKENNY, Fred (camp kid), and Lucas AKA Whaboom

The very first date of the season starts off with a BBQ and then quickly devolves from there because it’s not the Bachelorette without a weird activity BUT OMG MILA KUNIS AND ASHTON KUTCHER ARE THERE. OMG. They have to do a husband themed obstacle course and OMG I can’t get over how incredibly adorable and in love Mila and Ashton are #lifegoals.

In the least surprising news ever, Whaboom takes the game to like fifteen levels too much and spikes the baby into the ground while yelling and almost tackling Kenny to the ground. I’m scared. But don’t worry, Ashton is definitely not on team Whaboom, so there is still good in this world.

Rachel isn’t really thrilled with how incredibly boring the second half of the date is. But don’t worry, Blake is here to stir the pot and discuss how much he hates Whaboom! Because he lives with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend…?

Peter, Rachel’s male gap-toothed counterpart gets the first one-on-one!

Rachel is not bored any longer when she talks to Dean. He’s cute, they were cute. I like him. While this is going on, Whaboom and Blake continue to insult each other.

Next is Kenny’s turn and he is my favorite and the best and adorable. And he doesn’t go in for a kiss because he’s too nervous and awwwwwwwwww. Dean gets the group date rose and I’ll take it because he’s cute too.

Peter’s one-on-one date is next, they go to Palm Springs…but not alone…BECAUSE COPPER THE FLUFFIEST PUPPY IS COMING. And wait, there’s more! They go to Barkfest which is full of adorable dogs and a doggy photobooth and doggy smoothies!

The next group date is for Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. I have no idea who most of those people are.

Peter and Rachel discuss the elephant in the room- their matching gap teeth. They also discuss how they both went to therapists, yay mental health positivity! He gets the rose because they are both adorable and Peter is now on my list of boys I like. Rachel also refers to herself as a #smittenkitten and even though it’s not a dog themed reference, I’ll take it. AND we get the first fireworks show of the season!

The group date is basketball themed, and because this is 2017 there is one manbun in attendance (it’s more of a manponytail, but close enough). And Kareem Abdul Jabbar comes to help them play, even I know who that is.  They play the #sport and some of the guys suck (the white ones) and DeMario is real good and keeps dunking. And this is once again the Bachelorette, so the date doesn’t stop there, everyone will have to showcase their lack of #sportsskills at a game in front of a packed audience of people forced to watch them. Oh wait, Chris Harrison is the emcee, these people want to be here to watch that happen.

DeMario does real good at the sports with all the dunking and stuff but then it doesn’t go so well. His girlfriend shows up to dunk the truth (I don’t know how to make a proper sports reference). And damn is she mad. And crazy. And this is confusing. DeMario says they were on and off again for a while. While crazy lady swears on her father’s grave/alive kitten that she isn’t lying. She has texts! Of proof! Sort of. Rachel makes DeMario leave and like crazy lady seemed kind of actually ridiculous and I’m sure the truth is a mixture of both of their stories.

Rachel is so annoyed she doesn’t even want to talk to Chris Harrison about it! And that’s serious.

But she doesn’t cancel the second part of the date so the guys then all console her and reassure that they are indeed there for the ‘right reasons.’ This includes the one dude whose name I have no idea what it is singing in Russian… Josiah gets the group date rose because he was real good and understanding of Rachel’s problems.

Back to the house and HOLY CRAP those guys are messy. Also HOLY CRAP Rachel’s dress is amazing. The production crew needs to work on the mics, you can hear every ice cube clinking around in Rachel’s glass.

Bryan the chiropractor that got the first impression rose gives Rachel a massage. She then gets shown a Barbie dream house AND has a thumb war before DeMario shows up to crash what is possibly one of the most boring nights of Rachel’s life. Of course, DeMario has to speak to Chris Harrison first before being allowed back in. Rachel decides to go hear DeMario out – the guys find out, and decide to all follow her out to the driveway so they can group beat him up….? MEN TESTOSTERONE PUNCHING

Too bad we won’t know what happens until next week!

The Bachelorette S13 E2: Adorbs dudes and more adorbs puppies

The Bachelorette S13 E1: Not Whaboom, anything but Whaboom

IT’S BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Rachel is our lovely Bachelorette and as the adorable recap shows, she’s super adorable and nice and funny. So yeah, thank goodness she didn’t end up with Nick. She’s ready for love this time and brought her freaking adorable dog to quadruple the adorable factor. Let’s hope this ends well for her.

Now it’s time for the men!

We have Kenny, pro wrestler dad.

Jack Stone, who has a last name for some reason.

Alex from Michigan who is Russian and somehow ten feet tall when his parents are 5′

Mohit has a start up and belly dances

Then there’s Lucas, whose catch phrase is Whaboom, he makes me want to punch him

Blake is a trainer, he has a lot of libido #goodtoknow

Time for Rachel to get some advice…from a bunch of women that Nick dumped, including Corinne. So that makes no sense.

Now it’s what we’ve been waiting for…the limo entrances! First we have Rachel’s and omg her dress is so pretty and she’s so pretty and I’m such a big fan.

Peter is up first, he’s a business owner and goes with the Wisconsin connection (Nick was from there). Not bad

Josiah is next and he uses legal language which is now the language of love

Bryce is a firefighter and awkwardly picks up Rachel, we’ll go ahead and ignore the five guys that entered and didn’t get any screentime

STOP EVERYTHING. SOMEONE BROUGHT A BOX OF CHEESE. DONE DONE AND DONE. I FOUND MY SOULMATE, MOVE OVER RACHEL. Only problem is that we don’t even get to learn his name.

Blake E brings an entire marching band, because he is an ‘Aspiring Drummer’ keep dreaming, keep dreaming. I’m glad the Bachelor has officially made ‘Aspiring’ part of a job title, now anyone can be whatever they want! As long as they aspire hard enough.

Fred is here! Fred went to school with Rachel! He’s named Fred, is anyone even like named Fred anymore?

Next is Jonathan, he’s a Tickle Monster. Yup, as terrifying as that sounds as he makes Rachel close her eyes and then tickle gropes her. NOPE NOPE NOPE

Adam brought a little mannequin doll of himself………..?

Mike brought a brownie. I like brownies. Don’t know if I like Mike.

Whaboom not only refers to himself as Whaboom but he introduced himself by letting us know he has one testicle that’s bigger than the other. Please just send him home.

Josiah (?) steals her first and talks about how he’s a lawyer and was arrested when he was 12 and went into a program to have a good life, nice job Josiah (?) (how the heck am I supposed to know anyone’s name at this point)?!?!

So Adam Jr. is the creepy ass doll. He has champagne, and gets a French voiceover.

Oh wait, Rachel knows Fred because she was his camp counselor, and he was a bad boy in third grade. And not in a sexy way.

Spanish speaking, 37 year old, chiropractor goes in for the first kiss, and it’s a little PG13 rated, but he gets it done. FIRST KISS OF THE SEASON

The problem with the Bachelorette is all the men making all the #sportsball references all the time. Too much sportssssssssss

Whaboom, oh god I hate him. Is currently just yelling WHABOOM and shaking his face around and yelling into his megaphone. I’m annoyed I know his name already. He has his face on his shirt. Also it says WHAAABOOOOM with a lot of extra vowels so I can’t even hashtag it properly, I’m not mad about it.

Aspiring drummer challenges Whaboom if he is there for ‘the right reasons.’ How could he possibly not be there for the right reasons?! His shirt has his face on it and everything!

Kenny is a wrestler with a daugher and he got butterflies and AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Bryan, the 37 year old chiropractor that kissed her gets the first impression rose! YAY!

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony, it’s also light outside, so it’s like 18 million hours later. Now you know why Corrine took naps. Here is who gets the roses, I don’t know who any of them are: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan (uggghh tickle monster), Bryce, Alex, Kenny (adorbs wrestler with a daughter), Dean (he had a sandbox), Matt (he’s a penguin), Anthony, Brady, Josiah (he’s a lawyer too), Lee, Diggy (we have both Diggy AND Iggy, oh goodness), Fred (#campbuddies), Adam (with the creepy ass doll), Blake E (he aspires to drum), andddddddddddd it’s the final rose

And because we all know what show we’re watching, and we wouldn’t watch the show if there wasn’t drama – the final rose goes to WHABOOM #whyboom #whyyy

So that’s the group folks, Rachel’s future husband is in the bunch, hopefully it’s one of the more normal ones.

This season…..ON THE BACHELORETTE!

They go to Sweden and row a viking boat thing and there’s dogs and hot tubs (duh).  We question ‘the right reasons’ (duh). Lee is southern and likes to stir pots I guess. There’s a girlfriend! She has texts!  Crying obviously happens. At some point she walks through a deserted vineyard… but don’t worry, she’s going to be the bomb and find love. So stay tuned with me!

The Bachelorette S13 E1: Not Whaboom, anything but Whaboom