Let’s get a couple recap from Dominique/me for Bachelor in Paradise!
Derek and Taylor (just need to go home and be married already)
Raven and Adam (ew Raven do better)
Robby and Amanda (I gave up hope on Amanda a long time ago)
Daniel and Lacey (weird together)
Dean, D-Lo, and Kristina (KRISTINA IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU DEAN – GO HOME DEAN)
Dean sucks. He was getting friendly with D-Lo last night and because there really aren’t that many places to go in paradise Kristina saw. Dean is just so stupid. He sort of apologizes but only because she saw. He didn’t “plan” to make out with D-Lo in front of Kristina. Kristina isn’t going to wait around because Dean is not worth her time.
Jasmine doesn’t know who she is going to give her rose to. She is contemplating going after the Tickle Monster, because he’s good with his hands. So she attacks him with her face in the pool and makes out with him.
So this dude is here. He really hates Whaboom. I really have no idea what his name is. His name is Blake! Thank goodness that the producers let us know. He is like really sweaty. He asks the “bros from his season” to have a “manchat.” He’s going to put Whaboom behind him, by talking about it every five seconds. D-Lo flat out says that if he asked her that she would say no. But really, Blake stop talking about Whaboom. He also just called Kristina his not first choice. Five million strikes and you are out Blake.
Blake asks Kristina out. Poor Kristina. She says no because she has to figure things out. Which is true. Also it’s Blake. So like she doesn’t want that.
Oh wait and we have Fred! Camp Fred! He went to camp with Rachel and was a bad camper. Fred also has a date card and is going on a double date with Blake! Fred is taking Dominique on his part of the double date. Blake is still trying to find anyone. He goes for scallop fingers Christen next. Blake is just horribly awkward. Someone needs to take one for the team and go on the date. And thankfully #scallopfingers has a very low bar and says yes. Jack Stone really likes Christen and is scared that she’ll like Blake better. Blake sucks, don’t worry Jack.
The word on the street is that Jack isn’t a very good kisser. So it’s up to the ladies to help him. Jasmine kisses Jack (after some shots), and concludes Jack is a great kisser. D-Lo needs confirmation and verifies. So does pretty much everyone else. So now we know, Jack Stone is a good kisser.
Time to check in on the most awkward double date of all time. They’re on a super speed boat, which is good because no one can really talk. It’s bad for Scallops because she’s getting a little seasick. She then almost loses her contact after ziplining. It’s a pretty horrible date for her, but mostly because it’s with Blake.
Omg it’s Chris Harrison. What is he doing here not during a rose ceremony?! He lets the guys know that there aren’t any more men showing up this week, and there’s another date card for someone. Andddd the rose ceremony is tonight. The date card goes to Robby. Who takes Amanda.
Their date is at a carnival that includes Robby bashing a pinata open. Robby like really likes kids and Amanda has kids. Just look at him watch those children fight over the candy! So fatherly!
Time for the cocktail party. Ben Z is sad. His dog is at home. He is not at home. He needs to go home to his dog. Except like Ben was the best guy on paradise. But he gets to see his dog Zeus which will make him happy. But I’m sad.
Diggy tries to get a rose from Dom by playing a fun get-to-know you game. It’s cute. He’s cute.
So Christen is in a love square with herself, Jack Stone, Tickle Monster, and Blake. In the meantime Wells explains #scallopfingers. Christen doesn’t really get it. I’m not surprised. Daniel reveals he’s the next Dr. Suess and says Christen would eat them on a mat, with a cat, #truedat.
Blake decides the way to #scallopfingers’ heart is with actual scallops. He asks if she likes assertive men and then starts to kiss her. Tickle Monster then interrupts. His vote for who gets the rose is for himself. Now it’s Jack’s turn. She should probably pick Jack. We’ve confirmed he’s a good kisser. And he’s at least slightly normal. What a low bar we have here in paradise.
Time to get back to stupid Dean drama. D-Lo wants to know if he would accept Kristina’s rose, because if he does, then she’ll back off. Dean makes a decision and is going to pick D-Lo over Kristina. So now he has to tell Kristina. She is not happy because Dean is an idiot.
Kristina goes to talk to Raven. And is having none of Raven defending D-Lo. D-Lo was a part of this too Raven. So sorry honey, Kristina is right, and you’re wrong.
Wells remains the best person ever on this show and asks Kristina why she is fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for her. YAY FOR WELLS.
This is happening. We are getting a rose ceremony at the end of an episode just like it should be scheduled. YASSsssss
Lacey and Daniel
Taylor and Derek- fun fact, only a week and a half left of paradise! Everybody better fall in love quickly
Amanda and Robby
Raven and Adam
Dominique and Diggy
Jasmine and Tickle Monster- she wants to “tickle his pickle” – I want to never have heard that
Christen and Jack Stone
Kristina wants to be valued and respected and put first. So she’s not giving out her rose. Because no one on this island can give her those things. So she’s going home. Kristina is too good for paradise. Dean walks her out and Dean still sucks.
D-Lo gives her rose to Dean. Even though he just whispered that she was going to quit. D-Lo you can do better than crappy ass Dean.
So Fred and Blake get to go home after being in paradise for like 10 hours.
All the couples are love-y dove-y (ick).
Tomorrow on Bachelor in Paradise!
Jaime shows up but more importantly the twins are here. Double the trouble and drama!