Let’s see if the drama on this week’s The Bachelor is Krystal clear. (#spoiler, it is).
They’re in Fort Lauderdale this week. Home of all the retirees in America. Chelsea gets the first one-on-one. If you remember she got the first rose ever, so that’s a pattern. She’s a mom, and wants to make sure that Arie knows her as more than a mom.
Since these are women, they all need to trash talk Chelsea while she’s gone. They don’t understand how they are not all somehow on the one-on-one (basic math is hard). BUT OMG MAQUEL IS BACK. And that’s sarcastic, because none of them are happy, because she’s competition and dead grandparents don’t mean you get to skate by. And because the producers are the best, they make sure that the yacht Arie and Chelsea are on floats by the suite. And they all get to see the really odd jet ski make out session. I just don’t even understand how they managed to both get on it, with Chelsea being backwards, and not fall into the sea.
So Arie thinks Chelsea is really mysterious. I do not understand this. She is not mysterious at all. She was young and an older man was interested in her and then they separated after she had her child. I’m not saying it’s the best sob story, but not bad Chelsea.
The group date is: Maquel, Krystal, Becca, Bekah, Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Lauren. So Tia gets the other one-on-one.
Chelsea unsurprisingly gets the rose and……a private concert. How sweet.
The group date starts with Arie licking a bowling ball. WHYYYYYYYYYY. NOOOOO. To make this incredibly lame bowling date more exciting, Arie makes it a bowling competition. Krystal prays to her dogs to grant her team a win. And I guess it works because her team is slaughtering the other girls. And Krystal with her godlike dogs rubs her win in everyone’s faces, and because everyone already hates Krystal, they aren’t very happy. But it doesn’t matter because Arie then invites everyone to the after party.
DAMNIT PRODUCERS. So on the bus back from bowling Krystal supposedly went insane and said Arie was a liar, because he wasn’t going to invite the losing team but then changed his mind and did. Krystal wants to be included in decisions with her future partner, decisions like if they should invite 9 other girls to their dates. Krystal is sitting this one out, and not going to the second part of the date…sureeee, she’s definitely not going to make an entrance later on.
Arie sits down and literally says “we’re all here” and then one of the five blondes who I do not know, immediately calls out and informs Arie that no, they are not all there. To Arie’s credit he is able to name Krystal as the missing one. And because he’s concerned he goes to check on her. So her evil plan just worked.
So Krystal feels her emotions for Arie and they are deep and raw. And Arie is not okay with Krystal running away from her problems by hiding in a robe. Arie wants Krystal to stay upstairs and he’s going to go downstairs and have a good time, goshdarnit!
Now Arie has to pretend to care about the girls that are not Bekah or Krystal. He nods along very well when they talk. Bekah gets to pretty much sit on top of Arie and then make out with Arie. Arie is having doubts about Bekah but Bekah then questions would it really be a relationship if there weren’t doubts, and then they make out.
OH WAITTTTTTTTTT. This is the Krystal clear drama we’re all here for. Because nobody puts Krystal in a hotel room, and she is coming to that party whether Arie tells her to or not. Krystal needs to tell the girls that her feelings were really hurt today and that she had an intense conversation with Arie. Krystal doesn’t want to be attacked so she’s not going to defend herself. Bekah just straight calls out Krystal, because Krystal said she wasn’t coming, and then came, so does that make her a liar, just like Arie?!
Time to go back to Arie’s one-on-one time with Lauren, who wastes it asking for Arie’s favorite color (blue) and sharing that hers is burgundy. We also learn his breakfast preferences. It’s awkward af. But Arie digs that and she gets the group date rose because Krystal crawls back to her room before Arie returns.
Tia gets to go to the swamp. Such fun. They see an alligator and a turtle and meet Darrell. Darrell lives in a house in the middle of the swamp and eats some fried catfish. To fit with the theme, Tia explains how she used to spear frogs in ditches on the side of the road. The second part of their date is at, and I direct quote, “an old nautical antique place.” Tia is glad that Arie is embracing her despite the fact she stabs frogs and once lived in a small town and went to college for 7 years just to get a doctorate in physical therapy. Tia wants to know if there is a higher power leading Arie, I think by higher power she doesn’t mean Krystal’s dogs. Faith is very important to Tia, and Arie tip toes around that question. Tia does get to admit she is falling in love with Arie. And she is the first to declare her “falling for you” in a too short amount of time. And of course she gets the rose. And to further the stupid “pillow lips,” “kissing bandit” Arie, she even says she’s been waiting for him to push her against something. BLECH
Rose ceremony timeeeeeeee!
So Krystal is here, and she makes it clear that she was not hiding in her room, she was investing in herself.
We have more fun question because we have girls who cannot have conversations. Kendall’s question involves if Arie would eat people, Kendall definitely would.
Krystal needs to talk to the girls, she needed to process, she would love to chat privately, because she will not be attacked after spending so much time investing in herself. Kendall takes her up on the offer, she does not try to eat Krystal, she just wants to protect Arie. Bekah just wants to know why Krystal is still here. Bekah, it’s reality tv, we all know why Krystal is still here. Bekah points out that Krystal is a weeeee bit self centered. A lot of the girls there don’t operate at Krystal’s level and she’s not lowering herself to their level, but she is throwing glitter. I don’t even know.
Krystal knows how to work it and tells Arie that she feels emotionally invested in Arie. Krystal grew up in a bowling alley (such a weird coincidence) and her mom dated a lot of guys so she has trust issues. Krystal does trust Arie and he’s kind of not having it, because her voice is annoying and she grew up in a bowling alley.
Rose ceremony time! Tia, Chelsea, and Lauren already have roses.
Bekah (you know who she is, she’s 12 (plus 10)), Seinne (she went to Yale), Kendall (eats people), Becca K (went on the first one-on-one), Jacqueline (I got nothing), Jenna (Arie likes blondes)
And the final rose goes tooooooooooooo Krystal, we knew this would happen people, she’s great drama and great tv.
So Marikh (idk), Maquel (RIP grandpa), and Ashley (idk) go home.
Krystal had so much courage to come to the cocktail ceremony, but she did it. And now she’s a threat.
They go to Paris, which is an actual romantic place. Krystal is still here and she is wife material.