The Bachelorette Season 13 E5: #HittheroadJack

Well there’s two episodes this week. Which is a whole lot of the Bachelorette.

In case you didn’t remember, we didn’t even get through the entire group date or the freaking one-on-one last time. We had a cliffhanger with Kenny and Lee.

Lee like super sucks and is an asshole. And Kenny isn’t happy about that.

Bryan doesn’t like drama or anything. He just likes eating Rachel’s face.

Kenny and Lee like argue on the dock in a horrible lit location and don’t really say anything much except Kenny says he wasn’t aggressive and calls Lee a snake. Thank goodness we had a cliffhanger for that.

Bryan gets the rose. Am I spelling his name correctly? I’m just assuming it’s with a ‘Y’ because we all know what show this is.

Wait we’re back to Kenny and Lee not really fighting with each other. Kenny gives us a great quote: “whisper whisper whisper, this is not aggressive, bitch.”

It’s time for Jack Stone’s one-on-one! I have this weird feeling that this date is going to be hella boring. They go dancing. And Rachel says she feels like she’s missing something. Maybe like Jack’s personality…”

Back to Lee being an asshole. He doesn’t understand the Race Card. I understand how much I hate Lee.

Back to the most boring date ever. Jack just stares at Rachel. Rachel is not feeling it. And Jack is weird and wants to take Rachel back to Dallas so they could push all his things in a corner and just talk. Rachel has to explain to Jack why this isn’t working. Don’t worry Rachel, we know why. Rachel sends him home. #hittheroadJack And we’re not surprised.

Rachel is confident in her decisions and doesn’t need a cocktail party to hob nob with the men. Except because we’ve seen stupid previews we know that stupid ass Lee gets through tonight because he has to go on the two-on-one with Kenny. sighhhhh

The roses go to: Eric (I recognize which one he is but like don’t remember anything about him), Peter (SWOOOOOOON #fav), Adam (he has the creepy doll), Will (idk), Matt (idk, he looks like face-eating Bryan), Alex (he’s Russian!), Josiah (he won the spelling bee), Anthony (yup, got nothing), Kenny (wrestler, Lee hating, etc), and the last rose goes tooooooooooooooo Lee. Duh

So Iggy and Jonathan the Tickle Monster get the boot. #sorryboys  Jonathan tickles Rachel one last time to truly sear the image in our mind and to solidify how much we hate grown men tickling people.

It’s time to leave the country and go to Oslo, Norway!

The first one-on-one in a foreign country is with Bryan! He’s 37 and a chiropractor and when he kisses Rachel he attempts to eat her face! So suffice to say he’s at least memorable. Rachel has to make sure they have a connection beyond Bryan’s tendency to eat her face. They are going to rappel down the Olympic ski jump. HOLY CRAP people ski off of things that high?! THAT’S INSANE. They don’t die and make it down and Bryan continues to be sexy and supportive. Rachel and Bryan discuss how they used to be like real awkward before they blossomed into the sexy reality tv stars they are now. #lifeishard

Bryan is the first to say he’s falling in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. He gets the rose and they make out some more.

Time for the next date. It’s Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah AND OMG DEAN READ A LITTLE FASTER WHY DON’T YOU. I would have just had to do math because that was everybody except for Kenny and Lee because they get the damn two-on-one.

The group date is playing hand ball. #sportsball #europeansportsball Pretty sure the only reason for this date is the ridiculous wrestler-like-onesies. Which is pretty funny since the professionals all got to wear actual clothing. Because the producers love us, there is a shot of AJ creepily watching the game from the upper level. #AJFOREVERRR #creepiestdollever

Time for the second part of the date. Will is cute. I now know he played handball at summer camp. They kiss. Alex goes next, they kiss. Then Matt, who I only know who he is because he looks like Alex goes. Idk if they kiss. Rachel is feeling tonight…and then the music stops.

Yup. It’s Josiah’s turn and he knows for sure she is the woman of his dreams. A little too soon. Not feeling it.

KNOW WHO WE ARE FEELING?!? PETER. GODDAMN PETER. He is so perfect and just stopped kissing Rachel so they could have a conversation. This is a first in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. And now they’re making out in a hot tub.

Will gets the group date rose because otherwise it would be too horribly obvious that Rachel and everyone on the internet should all run away with Peter.

Time for the two-on-one. Let’s do this. They take a helicopter ride in to the middle of nowhere. Wouldn’t be a two-on-one if they didn’t go to some weird abandoned place so the loser can be left there to live in the wilderness forever. So I like Kenny, besides the fact he isn’t the racist asshole on this date, he’s nice and has a daughter and is real. He just wants to stop the drama and get back to Rachel.

It’s Lee’s turn now. Besides the fact he is a confirmed racist, he’s an ass. Lee immediately starts to talk about Kenny. He said that Kenny pulled him out of a van. Rachel is confused because she is getting two different stories. Let’s totally trust the racist asshole.

Rachel goes back to talk to Kenny after Lee said Kenny was violent. And there’s three minutes left. If only we had something like video of this moment….like if there were cameras on set…oh wait.

The episode ends with Kenny creepily laughing and walking towards Lee.

But don’t worry! There’s another episode tomorrow!!!

The Bachelorette Season 13 E5: #HittheroadJack

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